Author's Notes: Well, it took some time, but I think I'm finally reasonably pleased with this last chapter. Giving this an M rating to be safe. Things get a little steamy in this chapter…if that's not your thing don't read. Thanks for all the lovely feedback guys! If you read and have never reviewed…well, give it a shot. It would be a lovely belated Christmas present to me! Thanks, as always, to LilacMermaid for beta services. And thanks, as well, to teanc09 for a lovely little writing exercise that finally knocked the writer's block out of my head. Still don't own The Newsroom.
All alone at the end of the evening
And the bright lights have faded to blue
I was thinking 'bout a woman who might have loved me
And I never knew
~The Eagles, Take It To The Limit
Will watched the lights of Manhattan flicker past the car windows in a daze. She was fine. Mackenzie was going to be fine. So why couldn't he let go of her hand? He also couldn't get warm. He was wearing a fine gage wool suit and a camelhair overcoat and he couldn't get warm.
Shock. That's what his logical mind was telling him. He was in shock. He had held it together for four days for her. Had been the supportive friend, boyfriend, significant other? Whatever the hell he was to Mackenzie these days…he had been there to support her through the biopsy and that god-awful wait for test results. And he had rejoiced right along with her in the good news.
But somehow, once they got through the show and the damn red light stopped flashing above the camera it was like a switch had been flicked for him. Holy fuck! Mackenzie could have had cancer. Mackenzie could have died. And here he was, still sitting on the sidelines waiting for some sort of divine intervention to tell him he could forgive her.
He didn't even remember getting out of the car, but suddenly she was trying to pull his briefcase out of his hands and get him to change his clothes. Right! Custom made Armani suits look good, but really aren't that comfortable to lounge around in. Get it together Will! She's looking at you like you're a small child who needs help undressing.
He numbly made his way to the bedroom and changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt and returned to the living room to find it empty. Where the hell had she gone? His heart thumped in his chest as he padded around the apartment in search of her.
He found her in the kitchen, setting the previous night's Chinese take-out cartons on the counter and pulling plates and bowls from the cupboards. She needed to stop that. Mackenzie in the kitchen made him nervous…it had always been a recipe for disaster. And her quick movements back and forth, from cupboards to refrigerator to kitchen table, were beginning to grate on his already frayed nerves.
Stop! He wanted to tell her to stop moving and just let him look at her for a while. He thought maybe he could spend the rest of his life just staring at her. Making sure she was real and alive and still here with him.
He reached out and grabbed her hands to still her movements and just watched her for a moment.
"Please stop" he said quietly.
"Stop what? Stop getting dinner?" she asked uncertainly.
"Please stop moving Mackenzie."
She looked down at his hands grasping hers and looked back up into his face. Suddenly the phone began to ring and they both jumped apart, shocked at the unexpected intrusion.
She reached for the phone on the counter, but he placed his hand over the phone before she could grab it. "No, not right now Mackenzie. I don't want to talk to anyone else right now."
But still, they just stared at each other. He could tell he was beginning to scare her. Truth be told, he was beginning to scare himself a little. He had kept his feelings for Mackenzie so damn compartmentalized for months that he didn't quite know what to do with all of them now.
When she had first come back to ACN he had spent weeks adjusting to her mere presence in his life once more. He had spent even longer trying to come to terms with the fact that he still wanted her. She had hurt him and left him and then threw herself right back into his life and damn it, he still wanted her but he couldn't forgive her betrayal. And for so long that had been the crux of it…of them. How do you spend the rest of your life with the woman you love and adore when she was also the woman you couldn't forgive? The woman you couldn't really talk to unless you were high?
And then she had found that lump and the world had shifted. Mackenzie had never even thought about telling anyone other than him and he had never wavered in his support of her. And that probably said a whole lot more about their relationship than some damn voicemail message ever could.
Just then his cell phone began to ring from the other side of the room. Obviously, someone was trying to reach him and was not going to stop until he answered. He dropped her hands and reached for his coat and fished the item from his pocket. He looked at the display. Of course.
"Not now Charlie. We'll talk later" he said tersely and hung up the phone.
"Will?" she asked gently.
He got up and made his way around the kitchen island and over to where she stood. He grabbed her hand and led her back into the living room and sat down on the sofa and pulled her into his lap.
He swore he could hear every sound in the room just then…it was oppressively silent. He could hear the ticking of the clock and the distant sounds of New York City traffic. He pulled her against him and she wrapped her arms around him and just held him. For the first time in four days he wasn't terrified for their future and he wasn't trying to be supportive. And so, for the first time in more than four years he let himself go.
He couldn't have stopped the tears if someone had held a gun to his head. He had his ear pressed to her heart and he could hear every glorious beat and he thought he could listen to that every night for the rest of his life. And she wasn't going to die and that meant they still had time to figure all this out.
He sobbed so hard and for so long that he was exhausted when he was through. She held him silently for several minutes, waiting for him to calm. It was only then that he realized how tightly he had been holding her to him. The poor woman had undergone a biopsy a few days ago and he was crushing her.
"Are you alright?" he asked, suddenly realizing he might have hurt her.
"I'm a little more worried about you right now Will. It was good news, but you don't seem to be handling it very well." She reached up and wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks.
"I don't think I really let myself think about it not being good news until the minute I saw the look on your face when the doctor's office called. I think my heart stopped beating for a few minutes Mac" he whispered into her hair.
"I'm sorry I scared you" she said quietly.
"You did Mac. This whole damn thing shook me out of whatever stupor I've been walking around in for the past few weeks…thinking that we could both just wait forever for some sign that we were supposed to forgive each other our faults and move on with our lives. I don't know why I thought it was anyone else's job but mine to let you know what I'm feeling and what I want for the two of us."
"Your own trip to the hospital didn't clear that up for you?" she asked impishly.
He thought about that for a second. The only thing that hospital visit had cleared up for him was that he really hated hospital food and Mackenzie hadn't rejected him. That glorious revelation buoyed his hopes for weeks. Right up until she had said the word biopsy.
"I think I realized something the last few days" he told her.
"Want to clue me in?" she asked.
"Time does not heal all wounds Mackenzie" he whispered into her hair.
She sat perfectly still on his lap, as if shocked at his admission.
"It doesn't?" she squeaked out.
"No, it doesn't. Being scared shitless that you won't have enough time changes everything."
She seemed to relax into him at that. What did she think he was going to say?
"Is that all it is though Will? We get over this little health scare and you realize you never really forgave me?" she asked uncertainly.
"Wow, you really are becoming the pessimistic one in this relationship aren't you?" he asked. He could hardly blame her though. He hadn't been terribly open and reassuring to her over the last year and a half. He could understand her hesitation.
"Maybe I've used up all my good karma for the day…or maybe even a lifetime" she whispered.
"I hope not Kenz" he replied as he hugged her tightly to him.
He hadn't called her that in so long. It felt good to finally say it again. He often wanted to tell Sloan to stop using his pet name for Mackenzie. It wasn't right that she could say it when he couldn't yet.
Suddenly she stood up and made her way toward the kitchen and began sorting through take-out cartons again and looking for silverware and glasses. What the hell had he said?
"Mackenzie?" he asked as he entered the room.
"You must be starving, we barely ate all day. What did you want…the Chinese or the Italian we had the other night?" she asked, never stopping her movement around the kitchen.
"Mackenzie, stop it!" he shouted. "What's wrong?" he asked coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her head.
"You're just upset right now Will. You don't know what you want yet" she whispered.
"I do know what I want Mac" he replied, kissing her softly on her neck.
"What do you want Will?"
"You" he replied succinctly.
"Aren't you the one who stopped me the other night?"
Part of him bristled at that memory. They were both so scared and so raw that night before her biopsy that falling into bed together would have been the easiest thing in the world. But morning would have dawned on an awkward situation and she likely would have slipped out of his apartment on her own. And he was so glad that hadn't happened and that he had been able to be there for her these last few days.
"I did. Because I didn't want you making a decision out of fear and desperation that you might later regret Mackenzie. That is not what I'm doing" he told her, pulling her even tighter to him.
"What are you doing?" she asked, unsure.
"Celebrating, making up for lost time, enjoying life…take your pick Mac."
She turned in his arms and looked him straight in the eyes. "I like the sound of all of them" she replied.
He kissed her softly and then led her down the hallway toward the bedroom.
"You scared the hell out of me Mackenzie. Don't do that again please" he pleaded and placed his hands on either side of her face and pulled her toward him, kissing her deeply. She simply moaned her agreement.
He began to unbutton her blouse and kiss his way down her neck toward the slope of each breast. He reached behind her to unclasp her bra and suddenly stopped. There, on her right breast, was a fading bruise. A visual reminder of what they had just been through and what they had almost lost.
"It doesn't hurt Will. I promise. That stopped a couple of days ago" she reassured him.
He gently pushed her down to sit on the end of the bed and fell down to his knees in front of her, kneeling between her legs. He kissed her briefly on the mouth before he dipped his head down and began kissing the bruise and then the scar from her stabbing and making whispered promises to her and to God and to whoever would listen that he would never take this woman and her presence in his life for granted again.
He began to undo the clasp on her trousers and pull them down her legs and watched as she inched her way up the bed. He followed eagerly and settled his weight between her legs as she lay back against the pillows.
"Hi" she whispered, almost shyly, as he began to grind his hips into hers.
"Hi" he said back.
"I've missed you" she told him as she pushed his sweatpants down his legs.
"The feeling's mutual" he whispered, kissing her deeply. Oh God Mac, you have no idea how much I've missed you…missed this, he thought to himself.
He pulled back from her momentarily to pull off his t-shirt, but was right back between her legs only seconds later. Somehow she had managed to push their pants the rest of the way off them as well. He had always loved her ability to multi-task.
It had been too long since they'd been this close. He relished the feeling of her cool, bare skin against his. She'd once told him that they were quite obviously made for each other. He kept her warm and her ice cold feet made it possible for him to sleep at night under all the blankets she piled on the bed.
He began to kiss his way down her body and was nearly to his destination when he heard a cell phone ringing near his head. He looked up at Mackenzie questioningly and then realized the noise was coming from her discarded trousers. He reached over and grabbed them and plucked the phone from the pocket, switched it off and tossed it across the room where it made a resounding crunching noise.
"Sorry about the phone" he mumbled, resuming his exploration of her body with his tongue.
"Don't care…ACN bought it" she whispered, laughing slightly as he found a ticklish spot in the crease where her leg met her torso.
"I'll replace it" he reassured her.
"Told you…don't care…now come here" she whispered, pulling his face up to meet hers and kissing him deeply.
"Where were we?" he asked.
"Right about here" she told him, and pulled him against her. She kissed him soundly and pushed his boxers down. She pulled his hips to hers and looked up at him. "Are you going to keep me waiting much longer?" she asked.
"You never were patient" he replied as he pushed into her.
"Oh my God" she whimpered.
"You ok?" he asked, holding himself perfectly still.
"Much better than ok, Will. Don't you dare stop."
"Yes ma'am" he told her pulling back out and sliding into her again, over and over.
Like he could stop if he wanted to. He'd gone four years without this. Not sex…no he'd had sex while he and Mac had been apart. But this, feeling like you had finally found your home, he hadn't had this since she'd left.
He looked down at her beautiful face, eyes closed and mouth open in a silent gasp, and realized how close they had come to never having this again. Before he realized it, he was chanting her name over and over as he watched quiet tears stream down her face.
"Oh God Mac, tell me you're close" he pleaded moments later. She just nodded her head, whimpering. He reached down between them and began rubbing in unison with his thrusts and she was gone, murmuring his name over and over. Just the look on her face was enough to trigger his orgasm. He collapsed on top of her before he thought better of it and suddenly tried to pull away from her.
"Stop it Will. I told you it doesn't hurt anymore" she told him, pulling his head down to rest on her chest.
He wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed the bruise on her right breast before settling down against her. He listened to her racing heartbeat and thought he could stay right here forever.
"Well, I don't want to say a cancer scare was worth it, but maybe…" she trailed off.
"It wasn't worth it Mackenzie. Don't joke about it ok? The whole experience is still a little too fresh in my mind for it to be funny" he said gravely against her breast.
"I tend to think that anything that gets us back to this is worth it Will."
Was she kidding? They would have gotten here. It might have taken a little longer, but they would have gotten here. And he never wanted to hear her say that breast cancer might have been worth that.
"We were already nearly here anyway Mac. And I think the minute you said biopsy it shaved a few years off my life, so I still think I could have done without the last few days" he told her certainly.
"Even this part" she whispered, running her fingers through his hair and kissing his forehead.
"I don't ever want to live without this part again" he told her seriously.
"Me neither."
They lay silently for a few minutes, absorbing the reality of this…of the two of them like this again.
"Were we?" she asked quietly.
"Were we what Mac?" he wondered, lifting his head to look at her.
"Were we nearly here, before all this happened?"
"Yeah Mac, we were" he told her firmly. He didn't want to admit how much longer it might have taken, but he knew now, more than ever, that this had been inevitable. There was no one else.
"Ok" she agreed quickly.
"Ok?" he asked, a little stunned at how easily she accepted that. "You're actually going to let that go with ok?"
"Maybe. For right now, maybe I am" she told him, tightening the arm that was wrapped loosely over his shoulder.
"I'm sure that won't last for long" he chuckled against her breast.
"Hey, I can be patient!" she grumbled.
"No you can't Mackenzie. It's not in your nature." He sat up against the headboard and pulled her against his side, where she fit so easily and naturally it really was as if they were made for each other.
"Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf" she huffed into his chest.
"Turning over a new leaf, my ass. You're tired and overwhelmed and have been through hell the past few days. Give it time and you'll be pestering me for answers again."
"Then give them to me now" she muttered.
"That is my Mackenzie" he laughed.
"Am I?" she asked.
"What? Mine? As much as you have ever been anybody's Mac, yes, I like to think so." And it was true. Even when he was strutting through the newsroom with women half his age trying to goad her into a response, and when she was dating that asshole Wade Campbell, she was his and he was hers and that was just the way it was. Always had been…always would be.
"So how did we get here from where we were a year ago?" she asked, running her hand up and down his chest, head pressed to his shoulder.
She never could just let something be what it was. She always had to know why and how and what will happen next. It made her an amazing journalist and an exhausting bedmate. Did they have to have all the answers right now? Couldn't they just enjoy the moment? But he saw her inquisitive little smirk and knew they weren't going to be sleeping until she was satisfied.
"Time and therapy and dating other people that were totally wrong for us Mac. I don't know. I'm not saying I have all the answers, I just know that you and I aren't terribly good at being apart. Maybe we're both too fucked up to be with anybody but each other."
"That's a ringing endorsement for our future together Will" she choked out and began to pull away from him. He stopped her movements.
Damn, they were never going to get any sleep at this rate.
"That didn't come out the way I meant it Mackenzie. I meant that we're fucked up in just the right ways for each other."
Shit, he really was awful at this.
"That didn't really sound any better Will" she mumbled.
"I know it didn't, but you have to know what I mean. Isn't everyone out there screwed up in some way? I think the couples that stay together are the ones that admit that and don't try to pretend everything is perfect. We aren't perfect Mackenzie. But we're perfectly screwed up for each other."
"Am I just sleep-deprived or did that actually make sense in some sort of twisted way?" she asked him.
Finally, he had said something right.
"I'm full of unbelievably deep philosophical thoughts, particularly after good sex" he responded.
"Good sex?" she asked.
"Ok, I'm full of unbelievably deep philosophical thoughts after great sex. Imagine the shit I can come up with after a few more days of this?" he teased, pulling her closer and kissing the top of her head.
"I can't wait" she whispered.
"Me neither Mac."
"Do you think you should call Charlie before he sends Lonny over here looking for us?" she wondered aloud.
"No, I think Charlie can handle waiting until the morning. We'll take him out to dinner tomorrow night. He'll be thrilled."
He moved them both down in bed and spooned up behind her. He wrapped his arms around her and then thought better of it, moving his arm away from the large bruise on the side of her breast.
"For God's sake Will! I told you I'm fine…stop treating me like a porcelain doll!"
"Sorry" he whispered as he pulled her to him a bit more firmly.
"That's better" she told him.
He held in a small chuckle at that one. She would always be the one telling him what to do…driving him insane. And he would love every minute of it.
"Are you ok Mac? I mean after everything that's happened the last few days I don't want you to feel overwhelmed by all this."
"I don't feel overwhelmed Will" she reassured him. But he needed to know that she was ok with all this. That she was as much a part of the decision to be here as he was.
"Ok. How do you feel?" he asked quietly, waiting for the words that would tell him he could relax, she wasn't going anywhere.
"I feel like I'm home" she said simply. That was it…that was what he needed. He took a deep breath and sighed.
"You are Mackenzie. You are."
The End.