Sam woke up with tears streaming down her face. She'd had that dream again… or rather, nightmare. They were stuck behind that damn force shield, unable to move, to touch, to do anything but stare helplessly, knowing they were about to die.
She rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands as she sat up and glanced at the clock. Too early to be awake, too late to go back to sleep, she thought wryly. She got up anyway.
She dragged herself into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee brewing. She figured she may as well get in to work early; there was always plenty to do there to keep her mind occupied.
Sam knew exactly what had prompted the dream this time. It had been weeks since the incident had actually happened, but the za'tarc testing machine had gotten her mind whirling in that direction.
They were stuck there, frozen there indefinitely, an invisible wall the only thing standing between them. She thought it was an appropriate metaphor for where they were in real life: stuck behind the invisible wall of regulations and duty. She was getting awfully tired of waiting for a "someday" to come when they could be together, the way she really wanted, deep down.
Sam sighed as she fixed her coffee. She padded back down the hallway to her room and began pulling out clothes to get dressed. She sipped her hot brew, savoring the warmth that almost erased the chill that had seeped into her bones the moment she'd awoke.
A hot shower, that's what she needed, she decided. She grabbed the jeans and t-shirt she'd pulled out and walked into her bathroom. She turned the faucet on as hot as she could stand it, then shed her clothes and stepped into the steamy downpour.
The water felt great, and she savored the heat as it began to slowly wipe out that annoying chill. She scrubbed herself clean, every last inch, twice, then shampooed her hair. After rinsing out the suds, she scrubbed her face hard, wanting to make sure to erase any trace of the tears she'd awoken with.
After she was all done scrubbing and rinsing and savoring heat, she turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing a towel and rubbing herself dry. She quickly donned the clothes she brought in and went back to her room. She busied herself with making her bed, putting away her pajamas, and tidying up the only slightly messy room. After a few minutes, there was nothing left for her to do but to go into work.
Sam sighed once more, knowing that going into work meant going in and facing Jack. She wasn't sure how to do that, not while she was still feeling so vulnerable and raw with emotions. She hoped she'd be able to lock herself away in her lab for a while to get good and distracted from feeling… feelings.
A short while later, Sam was neck deep in parts of the za'tarc machine. Anise/Freya had left one for their own studies, and Sam was actively taking her frustrations out on the device. The first thing Sam had done was to dismantle as much of the device as she could, which was a considerable amount. She figured the guys at Area 51 would be having a bit of a conniption fit when they saw the progress she had made, as they always wanted to be the first ones to break down a new piece of technology. But Sam had some issues with this particular piece that she needed to resolve before she could continue on with any other work. Sam was just starting to get into a good rhythm when Jack stopped in her lab. She groaned inwardly at the interruption, but her face was schooled into a careful smile.
"Whatcha doin', Carter?" Jack's voice was tinted with a bit of apprehension, though whether that was over her current activities or yesterday's near meltdown, she couldn't say.
"Just giving the boys at Area 51 something to complain about." Sam held back a sigh. "I wanted to get a head start understanding how this device works. It's quite fascinating the way the controls interface with the—"
"Aack! No need to go into details with me," Jack told her firmly. He paused a moment, assessing her, making her want to squirm beneath his gaze. Sam was no first-year cadet, though, and she held herself absolutely still waiting for Jack to continue. "Hey, are you all right? After yesterday…"
Jack trailed off, and Sam gave him a moment to continue. When he obviously wasn't going to, Sam finally spoke. "I'm fine, Sir. Yesterday has come and gone. As has Martouf, and so many others before him. I'll mourn his loss, but it can't stop me from continuing the fight."
Jack nodded quietly, seeming satisfied with her answer. Sam silently prayed to whatever god may be listening that he'd leave it at that. He did. "All right. Well… we have a debriefing in…" Jack paused as he checked his watch. "About an hour. Make sure you're there on time."
"I will be, Sir. Especially if you let me get back to work." Sam finished that statement with a smile, and although it didn't quite reach her eyes, it appeared to be enough to finish convincing him that she was okay. If only she could convince herself as easily, she mused to herself.
Jack left her lab without another word, and Sam went back to work on the machine. She almost had it completely dismantled before it was time to go to the meeting.
The debriefing was long and excruciating, and quite possibly one of the biggest wastes of two and a half hours of her life that she'd ever undertaken. Most of it had concerned details of the President's meeting with the Tok'ra high council, some had dealt with Martouf's death and its aftermath, and the rest had delved into Sam's progress with the za'tarc testing device. Fortunately, none of it had concerned the confessions elicited from Sam and Jack regarding the inappropriate feelings that had developed between them. Thanking God for small miracles, Sam left the debriefing to pack up the machine to send to Area 51, as per her most recent orders from General Hammond.
Much to her dismay, Jack followed her to her lab, auspiciously to help her pack. She'd tried to blow off his offer to help, but he was most insistent. She imagined he was as glad as she to see the last of that particular piece of advanced technology.
"So… I don't know about you, but I for one won't be sorry to see that thing gone," Jack said, making Sam wonder if he'd been reading her mind.
"Me either, Sir." Sam was keeping her replies as brief as possible, hoping he'd feel the lack of welcome and leave. She really didn't need his company right now. As raw as she still felt, it was the last thing she wanted, actually. Realizing that, she sighed. This whole situation just plain sucked.
"Penny for your thoughts," Jack said.
"Hmm?" Sam asked.
"Your thoughts. Penny for them. In fact, make it a dime. Inflation, you know." The slightly lame joke earned him a small smile, one that almost reached her eyes.
Sam wondered how honest she dared be with him. "Just thinking about how to pack this stuff up, Sir." She finally settled for subtle evasion, hoping he'd not push it.
He didn't. He just grabbed the nearest packing crate and started gathering up various bits of za'tarc detritus.
"Careful with that, Sir. They'd be awfully upset if we broke something." Sam took a rather delicate piece from him, their hands accidentally brushing together. A wave of electricity shot through her, starting at her hand, ripping all the way through every inch o of her body, and ending in her feet. She had to fight her instinct to jump back.
Jack seemed completely unfazed by the contact. He simply moved to grab another piece of the equipment strewn across the table. He carefully picked up another piece, setting it in the crate with far more caution than before.
"Sir, really, I can take care of this. I'm sure you have more important things to do."
"If I didn't know better, Carter, I'd think my company was unwelcome." Jack stopped packing and looked carefully at her. "You don't want my company." It wasn't a question, and Sam couldn't bring herself to deny it. "All right. I'll leave you to your packing. If you change your mind, I'll probably be getting my ass kicked by Teal'c in the gym." He left before Sam had a chance to form an answer.
So much for this not affecting their working relationship, Sam thought. So not good. If she didn't get a grip on this pretty quick, she may as well put in for that transfer to another team. Since that was exactly what she was trying to avoid, she figured she'd better start processing those conflicting feelings a lot faster.
That evening, SG1 was gathered at Jack's house enjoying a team night in. They'd watched a movie together and played a couple of rounds of poker, and Jack was currently working in the kitchen, busy putting away the dirty dishes with Teal'c's help. Sam and Daniel were in the living room watching a fire crackle in the fireplace when Daniel decided to broach the subject of Sam's obvious distraction.
"So, Sam… you've hardly said a word all evening…" Daniel's face was the picture of a concerned friend.
"Sorry, Daniel. A lot has happened the past few days. I guess I'm still processing." Sam hoped Daniel wouldn't press her, but she held no such luck tonight. Much like their poker games, she mused. She'd lost quite a bit to the Colonel that night, in more ways than one.
"Come on, Sam. It's obvious you need to get something off your chest." Daniel was in one of his more persistent moods, apparently.
"It's obvious?" Sam asked, taken aback.
"Well, to those of us paying attention, it is. I know Martouf's death has got to be weighing on you," he said astutely.
"Yeah, that's definitely a big part of it. I'm the one who took the kill shot, after all."
"It's not like you had much choice." Daniel's voice was very sympathetic.
"I know. Small consolation, though."
"There's something more, isn't there?" Yes, Daniel was definitely in a persistent mood tonight. When Sam didn't answer, he pressed on. "It wouldn't have anything to do with that retesting on the za'tarc machine, would it?" Sam glanced away, leaving Daniel to surmise that he was on the right track. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
"Of course… It's just…not something I care to discuss."
"Something personal?"
"You could say that." Sam really didn't want to divulge the details of either her or Jack's confession.
Daniel, however, was far too persistent for his own good tonight. "Something personal… between you and Jack." Sam blinked, glancing away once more.
"Anyone ever tell you you're too smart for your own damn good?" Sam's voice was tinted with irritation.
"My parents used to tell me that all the time when I was a kid. So it is something between you and Jack." Sam refused to say a word. "I see. You know, it's perfectly understandable. Natural even, after working as closely together as we all have the last few years." Daniel sighed at Sam's continued silence, but he continued on undeterred. "I know you and Jack have grown pretty close. We're all close, much closer than any normal military team. Probably because we're not exactly a traditional military group. I'm sure that must make things… challenging for you two." Sam still maintained her silence. "It's okay, Sam. You don't have to tell me the details… I just want you to know, I'm here for you if you ever want to talk."
"Thank you, Daniel. I appreciate it. I really do." Sam sighed and rubbed her eyes with one hand. "It's just been a really tough couple of days. I'll be fine once I have a chance to sort everything out up here," she said, tapping her head with one finger.
Daniel stood up and stretched out his limbs. "I think I'll go see if Jack and Teal'c need any help finishing up. Can I get you anything?"
"I'm fine." Sam turned her attention back to the fire. Daniel made a quiet exit to the kitchen.
"Hey, Jack… How's it going in here?"
"Just finishing up." Jack closed up the dishwasher before turning to face Daniel. 'Can I get you something, maybe some coffee for the road?"
"That sounds great," Daniel replied. "Hey, Teal'c, why don't you keep Sam company for a few… There's something I need to discuss with Jack."
"Very well, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c bowed slightly before leaving the room.
"What's up?" Jack's expression was quite curious.
"Well, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Sam's been awfully quiet tonight."
"Yeah, I kinda noticed when she didn't balk at losing her proverbial shirt in the game tonight." Jack turned his attention to fixing a pot of coffee.
"Yeah… I tried to talk to her, but I couldn't get much out of her. Maybe you should try."
"I talked to her this morning. She's just got a lot to process. Marty's death is really eating at her, I think."
"It's more than that, and I think you know it." Daniel was in a very insistent mood tonight, Jack realized.
"What makes you say that?" Jack pulled out a couple of mugs as he waited for the coffee to finish brewing.
"It was something Sam said… or rather, wouldn't say… about your za'tarc retesting." Daniel wondered how hard he was going to have to push Jack.
"Hey, if she doesn't want to talk, I doubt I can make her, even if I ordered her to." Jack turned around to face Daniel. "Just what is it you want me to do?"
Daniel sighed. "Just be there for her, Jack. She's hurting."
It was Jack's turn to sigh. "I know. You have no idea how much I wish I could fix it." The coffee maker stopped burbling, the signal that the brew was ready to pour. Jack filled the mugs and passed one to Daniel.
Even though it was quite hot, Daniel made quick work of finishing the drink. "I think I'll get Teal'c and take him back to the base."
"All right." Jack set his mug back down on the counter before following Daniel back to the living room.
Teal'c was sitting in silence beside Sam on the couch. "Hey, Teal'c, you ready to head back to base?" Daniel asked.
Teal'c inclined his head towards the archaeologist. "Indeed."
"Let's head out, then." Daniel fetched his jacket from the coat rack near the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Sam," he called out to her. She hadn't moved from her seat on the couch, and only nodded in acknowledgement.
"Bye, Jack. Remember what I said," Daniel said as he left.
Jack walked back into the living room and stoked the fire in the fireplace, adding a couple of logs. "And then there were two," he said quietly. He turned around to see Sam staring absently at the fire. "Hey, you okay?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that when it's so obvious I'm not?" Sam's voice betrayed a hint of annoyance.
"All right… Is there anything I can do?"
"I don't see what. We've already talked this thing to death. Nothing's changed. It can't and it won't." Sam's voice was now filled with weary resignation.
Jack crossed over to the couch, and he sat down beside her. "I'm sorry, Sam," he said softly.
"So am I." Sam could barely keep her voice from cracking; it came out low and husky.
Jack looked at her, watched her watching the fire for a long quiet moment. Then he lifted an arm and moved it around her shoulders. "C'mere," he said gently.
Sam allowed herself to be pulled into his embrace. A slight sob escaped her lips and she buried her head in the crook of his neck. Jack's other arm came around to fully embrace her, and before she knew what was happening, she found herself literally, silently crying on his shoulder.
"It's all so damned unfair," she sobbed after a while.
"I know," Jack said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.
Sam continued to cry silently for a while longer. Not a sound escaped save her ragged breathing. Jack made shushing noises, unable to say anything more himself for fear he'd say the wrong thing and upset her further. After a long while, her sobs died down. Her breathing slowed to normal, and she finally lifted her head off his shoulder. He let one arm drop back down to his lap.
"I'm sorry, Sir," she said quietly. "That's not something I normally do."
"I know," he replied.
Sam took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. "Thank you."
"Anytime." Jack took a good long look at her in the waning firelight. Even with her eyes puffy from crying, she was still the most beautiful woman he'd had the honor of knowing. "Feel better?"
Sam smiled, and for the first time since the whole za'tarc nightmare began, it reached her eyes. "Actually, yes, I do."
"I'm glad. It's worth the wet shirt, then." Jack offered her a smile of his own.
Sam stretched her legs out, and Jack finally lifted his arm from her shoulders. She felt a little cold suddenly, and a shiver ran down back. "I think I'm going to head home, Sir." She stood up and headed towards the door; Jack followed suit.
"Thanks again."
"And again, anytime. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, just call. I'll be there in a heart beat."
Sam smiled brightly for him then. She grabbed her jacket off the rack and put it on.
"Have a good night, Major."
"You too, Colonel. See you bright and early." She turned away from him and opened the door. Just as she walked out, Jack stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
"I mean it, Sam. Anytime you need me, I'll be there."
"I know," she said, and then she turned and left as Jack closed the door behind her.