The healing

They've leaved me in my cell. I'm sitting on the floor and I'm crying inside. I can't look up to myself anymore. If somebody would see me he would think how pitiful I am. Since they've leaved me I couldn't do anything besides looking down and sitting in my black underpants. The only thing I've done was to pull my black undershirt on. I even can't bring my hair in order. I'm lost! My future is ruined and I was the one who ruined it in every meanings. I shouldn't have ever picked up that damn note. And how could I even consider to kill? If they find my fingerprint inside the watch or on that piece, I will be executed or imprisoned. Dad! What will he do with me? Will he kill me? It's very likely. He was never proud of me, and now he is shaming on me. I'm really a shame. I shame myself. How could I do that? Mom and Sayu they were so proud of me and now I make them shame. If I will be imprisoned no one will ever visit me. I'm alone. I always was alone! Everything I did was just to lie myself how popular I am. The truth is I was just popular because I was smart and I helped them. I was the pride of my class. No, not just of my class, of the whole school. I never got in trouble. And now this? I thought I was always kind hearted, and now? I'm a cruel reckless serial killer with that heart. They gonna punish me. I deserve to be punished.
Suddenly Ryūzaki has entered.
"Sorry! We've left the keys in the lock. Why didn't you escape, Light?"
"Because I haven't even thought on it."
"You can have your clothes on."
I didn't answer just continued to look down.
"You seem not be well."
"What do you think how I feel myself? If you would have known me, you should have known that the thought of being Kira did hurt me very much. Now imagine how it hurts if you know you are really him."
"I've never known that I hurt you with that. I thought those were Kira's actions, just an act. Sorry I hurt you."
"How is Dad?"
"He's not well either. He's very disappointed and angry."
"No wonder… Ryūzaki, what will happen with me?"
"Don't know exactly. We haven't decided about yet. We will need more information about Kira and about the Death Note."
"I understand." I look even more deeper down to the floor after I heard that.
"Light, if you can please sit on your bed! Otherwise you may catch cold."
"It doesn't matter. Ryūzaki, don't you want to handcuff me again behind of my back?"
"I see no need for it. If you didn't escape yet it won't be necessary. I'll be back soon with your Father. I would dress up."
"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore!" I cried up.
"Light! After we finished this we have to talk about this."
He's left me again. I'm alone as I always was. In my past few years I closed up myself in my room for studying. But most of the time I was just bored, although I didn't want to do anything. Mom came sometimes to ask if I need something or to bring me something. Sayu came to visit me mostly to help her in different subjects, mostly in math. The same with my classmates. Have they ever loved me, or I was just something to be proud of? Dad loved me even if he never told, but he wasn't ever proud of me. Did I care about them or I cared about them because they paid attention to me, what Mom and Dad couldn't? Mom was doing that but I excluded her and Dad couldn't cause he never was at home. I always wanted to be famous and I wanted that the criminals fear my name. But I never wanted to be famous as the biggest serial killer in history. What was wrong with me?
He said they need more information on Kira and on the Death Note. Do they think I can give it? I don't remember anything.
No! Ryūzaki will come back soon with Dad. With my angry Dad. Last time he was enough angry to wanting to kill me if I was Kira. Now I'm Kira.
They're going to torture me for informations! Now Ryūzaki and Dad are entering.
"I'll turn off the camera and the microphone. After that we have to handcuff him behind his back." Said Ryūzaki.
Dad has something in his hands. No! It's a book, a damn thick black book with hard cover.
"Dad, what are you going to do with me?" I did ask that in a very desperate tone.
"We're going to refresh your memory." As I heard these words from Dad I've begun to panic.
Will Ryūzaki hold me still while Dad is beating me with that book or will Dad hold me still while Ryūzaki beats me? Or will they do that in shifts?
"No, please, don't beat me with that! I know I would deserve it, but I can't remember anything! Please Dad, don't beat me with that!"
"OK! I've turned off the camera and the microphone. Now Mr. Yagami please lay that on the table after that stay in the door of the cell after I entered. Don't let Light escape while I handcuff him."
"No! Please, I don't remember anything. Don't beat me with this book!"
"What are you talking about, Light? This is the Death Note."
What are you gonna do with this? I said if I was the first Kira I have to avoid being with him or anything related to him. They want me to become in touch with the Death Note. They want give me my memories back of being Kira. They want me to be Kira again to be able to proof and to send me to execution.
"No!"
Ryūzaki entered in my cell. I jumped up pushed him and tried to escape. Dad is closing the door.
"No! Dad! Let me go! I don't want to be Kira again!"
In that moment I said that Ryūzaki has just grabbed my right hand and closed the handcuffs. I must escape this! Dad's just grabbed my other hand.
"Dad! Please!" I began to cry. "No! Dad!"
Ryūzaki has closed my left hand in the handcuffs too. Now what? I can't move freely they defeated me. No! I still can run and push my father if necessary.
"Now Mr. Yagami please take over Light and hold him still."
Ryūzaki grabbed me and hold me still, until Dad took over.
"Do you hold him fast?"
"Yes, I do."
"Now I will make Light to hold this in his hands for a while." He said and now he's coming closer with the Death Note.
Try to jump! I can't Dad holds me too fast bending over.
"No! Please! Don't! Ryūzaki! No!"
You can't make me holding it. I will drop it immediately. He's closing my hand on it.
"!" What an idiot I am? Everything is clear now.
The world is rotten. Just I can do it with the Death Note. This goal is worth every sacrifice including my own mind, soul and life. L, Raye Penber and the other FBI agents, Naomi Misora just wanted to stop me and save the criminals from justice. I'm justice and the god of the new world! If you're opposing that god who wants peace and a world where no one has to fear to be a victim then you're truly evil. Rem hates me but she likes Misa, I have to make her to do the favor and kill L and this time the others too. But what to do with Dad? If he doesn't directly oppose me I don't need to kill him.
"Rem! Do you hear me? Rem!" Now I seemed to surprise Dad and he doesn't hold me so tight. Now jump!
Success! I'm free! That damn Ryūzaki! He holds me back.
"Quick! Out of the cell and close the door!" Ryūzaki ordered.
"Damn you Ryūzaki! But I won't let the Death Note out of my hands."
"Rem! Come and write names for me! Rem!" I yelled this.
"It won't come!"
"What?"
"What do you think who told us about this? And we made a deal with it. We will let Miss Amane free."
"Rem, you traitor! But no wonder she couldn't ever stand me! You made this, Ryūzaki!"
"Yes! By the way you give me this back! Mr. Yagami, catch!"
Ryūzaki got out the Death Note from my hands. Rem must have told them if I don't kill someone with it I won't regain my ownership over the Death Note and I'll lose my memory again. And she must have told them about I can regain it back just six times. They don't want to execute me. Instead they want to save that nobody looser Light who I once was before the Death Note.
"Damn it! What do you think who you are Ryūzaki to fuck with me?"
"Nice clean mouth as always, Light! We leave you now there." He said that while he was leaving the cell.
"I am justice! I'm the god of my new world! Dad, you must understand this!"
"Why would I understand this?" Dad yelled.
"I just brought in practice what you taught me." I've never done this before but it's a try worth. Dad was very angry as he entered now as he saw me this way he must be close to explode. If I make him more angry he will loose his self-control and will try to hit me. To hit me he must enter the cell. He has the keys. If I'm enough fast I can escape grab the Death Note. Hide somewhere. Write down Matsuda's name making him to open these and permanently regaining my memory. Then kill the others, so that I have just to deal with Dad, L and Watari. Rem won't help me, but may be I can manipulate her to kill Watari and L. There might be no other way then… I might have to kill Dad. If I fail I have four more to go. "That ideal world of mine is every sacrifice worth. That's why I killed Lind L. Taylor and the FBI agents. They tried to stop me achieving this world. That's right your perfect son is Kira. And I'm also the god of the new world. Ask yourself is it right to stop me. The crime rates dropped dramatically, but that's not enough the world is still rotten. After a year the world begun to become a better place. This is every sacrifice worth, like I said, including myself. But who else can do it? Higuchi? He's rotten. He killed also for his own goals, and any criminals. Some of them the reformed ones or those who truly regret what they did or those who aren't violent perpetrators don't deserve to die. Just I can do it! This renders me to be just the ultimate sacrifice! My life is one of the most worthiest in the world! That's why I was planning to burn down my own room or our house to protect myself from someone would find the Death Note. I prepared even myself to kill down my own family if it would be necessary to protect me, the god, the creator of the new world!"
"Shut up Light!" He yelled looking at me. He's face looks like very nervous.
It's working he's coming closer. Just the final move and he will enter to hit me.
"Dad! You can be now at least proud of me! No one would be willing to do such a big sacrifice."
He enters the cell. Now or never! That damn Ryūzaki locked the door.
"Aaah!" Dad slapped me in the left cheek with his right hands. I must have made him more angry than I planed. I have fallen on the floor from that hard hit, but I didn't loose my consciousness.
"Light! You're a hypocrite and what you're talking about is nothing to be proud of it!" He yelled.
OK! Next time. Damn Ryūzaki, he had to interfere. If he opens the door I can still do it!
"Mr. Yagami, please come out while I'm holding Light fast." And he grabbed my handcuffs and pulled me to the bars.
"Damn you! Hrraaah!" I'm snarling at you now. "Do you know, Dad? After I found that notebook I didn't believed in it. I killed that terrorist to save people! I was in shock and surprised it worked. To avoid coincidences I decided to try once more. I didn't have to wait longer in this rotten world. Two days later I was a witness of a rape. I killed him in a traffic accident before he could do anything with her. After that I had bad conscience for five days. I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost 4kgs. At the fifth day I looked like I won't make much longer. I was constantly asking myself who am I to judge people. But then I realized what I've got in my hands. I was wrong; I've always seen things like that. The world is rotten and someone has to do it. I've begun to use the Death Note to clean the world."

In the past minutes I didn't say anything. I must wait. If I wouldn't have to give up the ownership of my Death Note by giving back Ryūk and said to exchange their Death Notes to get Misa's Death Note. I buried that in the forest and told Ryūk to relinquish ownership of that Death Note if I say "get rid of it!" I would have one more chance. Next time I should base more on kee…
Au! My left cheek! Dad hit me so hard, I lost my balance. What did I do to deserve this? I know I was Kira, but I was sitting here down. I can't look into nobodies face. I'm a shame.
"Dad! Why did you hit me?"
"Light!"
"OK! It took 5 minutes since I've got the Death Note out of his hands."
"What? I remember you made me hold that book. But I don't remember anything else besides Dad slapped me in face. What are you going to do with me?"
"Healing you, Light! Saving you from being ever Kira again. You can regain your memory just temporally if you can't kill with it to take over the ownership. But the most important you can just gain your memory only six times back. So, to save you we give you seven times this note in your hands." Ryūzaki replied. "You know as I said you don't really fit into that profile, you're a better person, I lied. And now as I saw you how broken you are about that fact you were Kira. I thought till then, you might always been Kira, just you hide that very well. Now I know you are really a better person, and I'm willing to save Yagami Light. But considering how energetic and cunning you're as Kira. We need more handcuffs and something to make you quiet."
"I understand. Do with me what you have to do."
Better person, my ass! I'm rotten. I deserve to be severely punished. But it seems you don't want to send me to execution nor to prison. Even Dad seems to not willing to kill me, although he's very angry and not just with Kira, he's angry with me. I see that in how he looks at me.
"Mr. Yagami! Please come with me to get the required tools."
He's removing Dad just to not do anything with me while we would be alone. I slowly begin to fear Dad.

About five minutes must have passed since they've gone and now they're back now with long handcuffs. That must be what we had on for months. Dad has a clean tissue in his hands.
Ryūzaki enters.
"Sorry, we have to do this with you."
He is opening the handcuff on my right hand and closes it to a bar. Then he closes the long handcuffs' one end to my right hand and the other end on a bar on the other side.
"Never mind."
Dad gives Ryūzaki the tissue and he is putting it in my mouth till it reaches my throat. I can't spit it out.
"Now, the Death Note."
He's putting it again in my hands, but this time I want to hold it.
"Mmmmpffffffff!"
This time I should base more on keeping the Death Note in my hands. Damn it! Ryūzaki has over seen my plan. They're going to force me back to that looser who I once was. And this time that looser doesn't seem wanting this power to clean up the world. Damn it! I have lost! I have lost against L. No, it's worse I've lost against myself. At least they're not going to kill me. Dad, Ryūzaki be proud of your work! You stopped the world to become a better place for everyone. Oh, and be happy with Light! And Light, I hope you will suffer for this! Three more times and this me is gone for ever. I've have to wait out that 5 minutes.

It must be almost passed…
Did I do anything? I can't remember. That's good! Ryūzaki, it's time.
"30 more seconds and I'll give this back in Light's hands."
30 seconds? I have to wait a half minute? Ryūzaki, it's useless you can give it me now.
Yeah! He's on the move. Now grab that!
Two more times back to remember.

What is now? I lost my memories again. Now I have to wait about a minute.
Yes, here comes the note.
One more time and Kira is history.

Huh? What was that? Yes! Just another minute… and grab it!
This is the last time. Ryūzaki and Light, my good hearted self, fuck yourselves! I'm history soon.

It must be it I can't remember being Kira. Then two more times back.
Ryūzaki holds the book so I can touch it. My left cheek still hurts. I must have done something as Kira to get Dad so mad of me. Now what? I touched the note and I can't still remember to killed anybody. That was! I'm healed. Then this is the final proof I really was him. How could I do that?
"It's strange this times Light doesn't seem to react, but 7 minutes has passed. He can't be Kira. The Kira version of Light stared angry in our eyes and was in rage while the ordinary Light was looking down sadly from the shame. And he's still looking down. May be he did that one more times. This means he must have relinquished the ownership of this note before he came in custody. That must have been a trick. This note was on the way to Higuchi. Misa must have had a note like this. Misa has given up ownership at the third day… Rem must have notified Light about and given him it. Light must have given it back… There must be another Shinigami… That Shinigami must have been Light's initial Shinigami. 'Introducing each other our Shinigamis…' I noticed Rem was searching for Misa's monitor, and it starred at her. It must felt something for her. I've seen that immediately so I made the deal with her saying…"
"Mpmplypsiwsdfuvs?" 'Hey! Ryūzaki, do you want to leave me like this?' This was what I tried to say.
"Oh, yes! We can let Light out now."
"Phfuuy! This tastes awful. Thanks!"
Ryūzaki opened the handcuffs.
"Dad! I know you have had a good reason for slapping me that hard in the face. I don't know what I did. Sorry!" After I said that I began to cry.
"Sorry? You will be sorry if I tell you what you said as Kira. At the beginning you was just like now. Tell me how could you ever thought things like that? And boys like you don't cry. Stop it!" Dad was yelling with me then Ryūzaki interrupted.
"I understand your feelings Mr. Yagami, but I can't think in that noise you are making. I might need Light's reasoning and deductive skills now, please don't stress him more. If you can't keep it to yourself feel free to leave. You can shout with Light after we deducted if there is another Death Note or not and where can it be possible hidden."
"Don't worry, Light! You'll get what you deserved." Dad treated me and left the room.
He's shut the door with his whole force. Damn! Is he so angry?
"So, where was I? Yes first question. Do you agree with the theory you gave up once more the Death Note?"
"So. Let's see. How sure is that six times?"
"It's pretty sure."
"After the sixth time I touched the note nothing happened. So, if the sixth time is sure then. Yeah! I must have done that. Do Shinigamis exist?"
"Yes! But I do understand if you don't believe it. I couldn't believe it either. Next question to you: does a second Death Note exist?"
"If there was a second Kira, which we know it was, and this Kira had a Death Note, which is the source of his power, then the second Kira must have had one too. And the second Kira was Misa."
"Now last question: where would you hide the other Death Note?"
"I would hide somewhere nobody could find it. Some place what just I know. I wouldn't hide at home since I know that would be the first place others would search. May be my locker at the university? No! That would be searched too. May be at a friend who doesn't knows what is he hiding. But you were the only one person who I interacted with at that time. The so called "cover up girlfriends" I wouldn't want them to do anything with it. I wouldn't thrust them enough to hide something for me. Especially, when I was with two out at the same time. So, as usually I would trust in myself… Behind the former house of my grandparents is a small forest. I could have dug somewhere there."
"Thanks Light! You were a great help as usual. Now dress up! You're free."
I'm free? How could have I done killing people? Misa said I'm the most honest man, she's ever met, but in the reality I'm the most dishonest man in the world. Dad said I'll be sorry after he told me what I said as Kira. And he even told me that at the beginning I was just like now. I don't want to hear Dad. I don't want! I'm slowly dressing up. I've got on my jeans. Now my white shirt is left. Time to face Dad!

We've left the room, Dad has been waiting for us.
"Son! How could you ever considerate to kill? You were back than just like now!"
I don't know, Dad. I'm asking myself this since I began to suspect myself. I just can't talk to him. I'm a nobody. Worse, I am a killer. I can't look at anybody anymore. Everything I once was is now destroyed. I destroyed it. If someone is willing talking to me I should be glad.
"Can't you answer?" Dad raised his right hand to slap me. Then he garbed my hands with his left hand. "No, this will suit you better."
"Au!" Dad hit me on my butt instead. I virtually jumped from the pain.
"You planed to kill your own family. Your mother, your sister and me, your father if necessary! As if we could be scarified to your purpose. You're heartless, my son!"
"Au!" He hit me there again.
We've approached the elevator.
"Did you ever love us?" Asked Dad demanding and waited a few seconds for an answer before he hit me.
"Au!"
"Answer it!"
"Aau! Yes of course."
"Then how could you ever thought on that?" As he asked he began to shake me.
We've entered the elevator.
"Learn something son! There are things for which are not worthy to sacrifice anybody. Those are the dreams of an idealist like you."
"Aoua!"
"Have you understood?!"
"Au! Yes, I have. Au!" As I replied I've got another hit from him. "Au!"
Dad was raising his hand to hit me again then Ryūzaki stopped him.
"Mr. Yagami besides this make you less angry to give out your rage on Light… it won't help him not to fall into the same mistakes again. If you're angry with him because he destroyed your pride you must know he feels the same way and he shames himself enough not having the bravery to speak to you. And actually besides us no one will ever know anything about this."
"You're right, Ryūzaki! I won't hit him more."
Thanks! It feels like already as if you would try to roast it on a slow fire. I'm wheezing from that pain.
The elevator has stopped till then Dad didn't say anything, we're on the way to the monitor room.
"What do you think how do I feel like myself after I know I raised a serial killer as my son?!"
I don't know that, but it must hurt like how I feel myself actually being one.
"And what a hypocrite are you? You wanted to be the god of your new world. Where did you get that? How could you ever thought that you're the only one how can judge others in the right way. Who do you think you are to punish others?"
I really don't know, Dad. It's started somewhere at age of 13. I can't do anything against that. I've just begun back then to see clearly how rotten others are. And now, I began to see myself even more rotten as they are. I'm a nobody who thought he's the among those few who're above the common intellectual and moral sink.
How could I ever do such things? Killing innocent people or even consider killing my own family if it's unavoidable. I always thought I'm better than anyone else, a better person. The most people I always saw as rotten. The world is rotten and I'm among those kind people who are suffering in this world without justice. How could I be so unjust? Dad's right with each of his words.
"Don't be afraid, Light! If we enter this room you will see a Shinigami named Rem. Don't worry, it won't harm you. It told us how to save you from yourself." Ryūzaki said that before he was about to open the door.
No matter; I shame myself too much to be afraid of anything.
"Aaaah!" It looks like a living death crossed with a snake and a revenant. It is boney, has snake eyes, a face of a mummy and hair like a jellyfish.
"How could you do these awful things, son?" Dad continued the yelling with me.
"I really don't know, Dad." I replied while I was looking at the floor and silently crying inside. As we were underway here I saw myself in a mirror. My hair is a chaos, my left cheek is still red from that slap from Dad and I even don't know why I have got it. I look pathetic. I just don't have the motivation to bring myself in order.
"I know that you've forgotten, but as you began the killings you haven't been twisted by that power. You were just like now. How could you ever even consider killing people? I know they were criminals, but we have our justice system not for nothing, my son! Most of the criminals you killed were already under punishment in prison, others have not been proofed to be guilty. Killing is a crime and a sin."
"I know, Dad."
"You knew that? Then why did you even think of it?!" Dad yelled and raised his right hand to slap me again, but he hold himself back and grabbed me instead.
"Don't hide yourself behind your hair, my son! Look in my eyes while I am talking to you!" Dad began to shake me. "You were planning to kill Ryūzaki and everyone here including even me, your father with that piece of paper hidden in your watch. I know you don't remember and aren't Kira anymore, but still how could you ever thought on these?!"
"Can't you answer?!"
"No? Now put yourself together and go into your room! Pack some of your clothes and underwear in your suitcase! We're going home."
"Auah!" That was so very hard that I almost fallen from that! As I started going in my room Dad hit my butt again. It did already hurt bad but really began to hurt after this one.
I left the room but I can still hear them talking about me.
"Poor Light!" Matsuda said. "I've told you they're gonna beat him with that book for confession after they turned off the camera and the microphone in Light's cell."
"Matsuda!" Mogi and Aizawa cried at Matsuda.
"That was the Death Note, the evidence. No one would use an evidence for that." Aizawa said.
"It was required for Light to loose his memory of being Kira permanently." Ryūzaki said.
"But then why have you turned off the sound and the camera? And why was Light so desperately crying not to beat him?"
"There was nothing like that!" Ryūzaki replied. "We didn't want to have any evidences on tapes of Light being Kira. And he thought the same things as you, Matsuda."
"If I wouldn't know he could loose his memories for good I could have killed him and then myself. But what he told us as Kira was so… I couldn't hold myself back slapping him in face while he still was Kira and I'm still furious. How could my son even considering to kill his own family if necessary. I shame myself so much because of him…"
Dad is probably still talking but I'm now too far to hear.

I'm slowly moving to my room. I'm now entering. It's dark but I don't want to turn on the lights. I feel bad myself for things which I could think otherwise I haven't done. But I'm aware I did. I killed people. I understand Dad why is he so pissed of me. If I could I would harm myself, but I still want to survive I want to have a success in my life. I deep down still like myself, although I'm very disappointed. I was better than others, and now I proved myself I'm as rotten as those who I killed for being rotten. I just pack some clothes and underwear. I don't even care which. I should be thankful to everyone after they had an evidence against me they were willing to help me and now let me free. Ryūzaki did it, he convinced the others. He really holds me for his friend. I must thank him for what he did. I'm ready. It's time to go down and face Dad and the others again. I have never thought I could make Dad so angry to be physically violent with me. It will be a cold war at home, Mom and Sayu won't even understand why he is furious with me. We can't tell just simply Mom I was Kira. I'm about to enter the monitor room. I heard them talking before I went upstairs but they are quiet now. What does this silence mean?

"It was time! What take you so long? And haven't I told you to put yourself together?!" Dad began yelling with me again, grabbed me and started shaking me.
I can't look at his eyes nor can I answer it. Even if I could I have no courage to say anything to him now.
"Now let's go home. I told Mom we're going home to night." Dad said in his normal voice.
The others are following us. We go to our car in the underground parking.
"Ryūzaki! Thank you!" I said.
"Not at all! I told you I hold you my first friend. Friends are there for each other in trouble."
I will sit on the backseat. I don't want to see Dad's face. Ouch! Sitting hurts. I feel the exact structure of the tissue of my underpants and jeans.
"Ryūzaki! I didn't know that Light had a difficult childhood like what I've seen today." Matsuda asked.
"His childhood was different from the average but it wasn't like that what you've seen now. I will explain you once."
Dad starts the car and we're on the way home. It's quiet. We're almost at home, when Dad begins.
"I'm very angry with you, son. You made me shame for what you did or what you could do. I won't talk to you more than necessary. You're a shame for the name Yagami. I'm thinking to disinherit you."
No! Please, don't do that with me, Dad! I'm already in pain because I was Kira. Don't hurt me more! I shame myself enough I can't look at your face. Or say something to you.
"I have raised someone who can be ruthless serial killer."
"We're arriving. Remember what I said. And if Mom or Sayu asks why I refuse to talk to you, you say that you committed something very bad and if there would be evidences you would be severely punished, but you're not allowed to tell exactly what. Understood, son?"
"Yes, Dad."
Mom seemed always to be interested more in the results of my test than in me. I wonder how would she react if she will be disappointed from her good hearted perfect son? I've already disappointed her from that image once as I was six I know how she reacted back then.

I know this might sound a bit too strange, since Light's almost 19 years old, but don't forget his father would have killed him really if he was Kira. That's also in the manga. Later I will explain why did he do that with Light.