A CERTAIN SHITTY ALPHABET : COLLIDE – September 10, 2013
C - Collide
I'm open, you're closed.
Where I follow, you'll go.
"Corporal, we should stop this."
It was the first time Eren had pushed him back. It was the first time he heard the words of disapproval and rejection from the brunette's mouth. Aside from the half-hearted pleads of trying to stop such acts of intense desire and pleasure, Eren had never really voiced such discontent. And as Rivaille looked into the boy's eyes, he couldn't help but subtly flinch with all the seriousness and some other emotion he couldn't seem to place flash through those turquoise-green eyes of his.
He lowered his head, placing his soft lips near the brunette's left ear. "What needs to stop?" He inquired, a hint of tease lingering in his voice as his lips faintly brushed the outline of Eren's ear. He heard a gasp, a sharp intake of air. And Rivaille couldn't help but smirk at that sweet reaction he got just by whispering such words of inquiry into his ear.
Eren tried his best not to shiver as he felt Rivaille's hot breath rush through his quite sensitive ear. He felt his cheeks redden as he noticed the close proximity of Rivaille's face into his. This wasn't the first time Rivaille invaded his personal space. This wasn't the first time Rivaille managed to get him all giddy and tingly. It wasn't the first time yet with every encounter, every touch, and every experience he had with the said man, he couldn't help but anticipate and feel agitated as the thrill and excitement eat away what little self-restraint he had. And so it seems that with Rivaille, everything will always be a first. Everything will always be something new.
Though everything had all been a bliss and a treasure worth keeping, Eren couldn't help but feel that there is something wrong. He knew for a fact that they were doing this just for the sake of keeping their sanity intact. Everything was all an act of self-reassurance. But with every second he spent with this man in the confines of his four-cornered cellar, he felt his heart slowly but surely being robbed off of himself.
Though he never had any experience with love and though it was such a foreign concept to him, he knew that this was it. He knew that he was slowly falling in the arms of humanity's strongest soldier, Lance Corporal Rivaille. And though this situation is quite beneficial for him, he simply couldn't take the fact that such sentimental acts were being done with no strings attached. And even though he never really wanted to break away from their daily affair, he, at least, wanted to save himself from colliding with the cold hard ground. He finally came to the conclusion that everything needs to stop.
"I'm sorry but I couldn't do this anymore." He pleaded as he wrapped his arms around Rivaille's neck.
"I'm done using you, Corporal." Those words were such bittersweet things coming out of his mouth. He bit his lower lip as he tightened his embrace.
"So please, let me go." He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to leave such words of farewell from his mouth. And so, he silently mouthed an apology once again. He grudgingly parted with the small frame of Rivaille's back.
Rivaille merely looked blankly into Eren's eyes. Then there was a moment of heavy silence lingering in the air, a moment of hesitation as Rivaille couldn't seem to figure out the right words to say.
"Fine." It was an empty word.
Rivaille broke away from pinning Eren down on his bed. He straightened his white dress shirt, annoyed at all the creases it made from what little movement he did. He picked up his Scouting Legion jacket as it was carelessly thrown aside during their supposed quick session. He quietly paced to the door of that all-knowing room.
"Get your ass ready, Eren Yeager. It's still early in the morning." He didn't look back as the door gently slid shut, leaving Eren sprawled on the bed, thoughtfully looking into the ceiling as if it was the most important thing right at that moment.
And there Rivaille stood outside, not even daring to move a single inch from the spot he glued himself onto. He felt his walls slowly crumbling down as he leaned his back on that same wooden door. He sighed, a breath he unconsciously held in as he hurriedly made an exit out of that stifling situation.
He said that it was fine. He thought it was okay. Truthfully, it is but something unknown had begged to differ. Maybe he simply does not care. Or maybe, he never really meant it at all. Looking into those eyes, he felt suffocated. Looking into those eyes, he felt so overwhelmed. Looking into those eyes, his mind went blank. Looking into those eyes, he never wanted to let go.
He rubbed his temples, annoyed at how everything seemed so out of hand. He simply couldn't grasp everything that transpired. He couldn't have possibly fallen now, could he?
"Well aren't I one lovesick fool." He begrudgingly sighed as he walked down the hallway. Falling in love, endearing someone, it just doesn't suit him at all. He almost sarcastically laughed at that bizarre thought.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
And so it seems, love is a peculiar thing. It would always be a harmless feeling at first. It would always present itself as a mere curiosity, an interest to know something more. Curiosity would lead to understanding. Understanding would lead to fascination. Fascination would lead to attraction. Attraction would lead to affection. And affection would lead to infatuation.
When Rivaille saw Eren, he was struck by his determination and his strong desire to exterminate all the Titans. They had the same hatred. They had a common goal. They wanted the tables turned and they hunger for the extinction of the Titans that made humanity extinct.
And as if fate was playing with them, Rivaille and Eren had their paths intertwined. They became humanity's hope and strength. Rivaille was humanity's strongest soldier. He was as valuable as one hundred skilled men. Eren being a Titan shifter brought new opportunities and great possibilities for the survival of humanity. He brought a new light to their despairing world.
And for a moment, Rivaille thought they had a mutual understanding for having a common cause.
He had dared. "Do you seek for a distraction?" Rivaille had asked Eren. He knew that they were both carrying such heavy burdens on their shoulders. They were tasked to save humanity. They were entrusted with the lives of countless human beings. And no matter how strong they were, they could only carry just as much on their frail little shoulders.
"Do you want me?" It was an invitation to the unknown.
Eren had also dared. He opened that door and they had since been constantly holding onto false hope brought by their close proximity and rough sexual intimacy. They used each other as an escape. They drowned each other in their own delusions and make-believe.
And before Rivaille could even grasp what was happening, he had always been playing right in the arms of love. He was so used to the concept of using Eren that he can't seem to accept the idea that he had fallen in love. And no matter how much he dismisses the thought and denies it inside his head, he couldn't betray his heart that felt somehow pleased and relieved.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I somehow find you and I collide.
"What needs to stop?" Rivaille inquired once again.
He took a step forward. "Our little act of make-believe." And another step. "Using each other for our selfish desires." And another step. "Wanting to taste our own presence as we trail hot kisses and rough caresses on our heated bodies." And Rivaille invaded Eren's personal space once again. He leaned in forward, stretching his right arm as he pinned Eren against the cemented wall. He inched closer, bringing their bodies in a tangled mess. He looked deeply into Eren's eyes as he slowly moved his face closer to the said boy, their lips brushing with even the slightest movement.
Rivaille breathed heavily. "Or is it the fact that we are starting to fall in each other's arms?" He teasingly pecked Eren's lips. "And the fact that we once wanted each other only to have it replaced with so much need that we can't seem to fucking breath."
He gave Eren options to choose from though he could only careless. He never intended to hear his answer. He never intended to abide by his rules. For all he knew, he somehow felt the same way too and that he would do anything, something, to make such heart-wrenching and stomach-churning feelings grow and turn into something beautiful, as cheesy and as unbelievable it may have seemed.
Don't stop here.
I lost my place.
I'm close behind.
"So please, let me go."
He never wanted to hear those words. It unnerved him to hear those words. Why would he let go of something he labeled as his? Why would he let go of the distraction he painstakingly sought after? Why would he let Eren go seeing as they felt the same way? He wasn't foolish nor a martyr to refuse such a blessing, a miracle presented before him. He might have been hard-headed and impassive but it's not like he wasn't human.
He could feel pain. He could feel sorrow. He could somehow find happiness despite him standing at the peak of becoming emotionally impaired. Though filled with doubt and defiance regarding the subject love, he simply thought that he should stop being overdramatic and embrace this new change. He had lost everything from the start and so what else is he going to lose anyway?
And for a moment, Eren had forgotten how to breathe. He simply looked into a pair of sharp blue eyes as he basked in the feeling of Rivaille's hot breath caressing every inch of his face and the feeling of his soft lips brushing against his ever so slightly. He didn't flinch, he didn't avert his gaze. He simply looked at the man who gave him his first love. And at that exact same moment, Eren knew. He knew that Rivaille felt the same way too.
Out of the doubt that fills your mind.
You finally found you and I collide.
He slowly brought his right arm up, reaching for Rivaille's face. He softly traced the outline of Rivaille's jaw with his fingers and gingerly enveloped his palms onto Rivaille's left cheek. And bit by bit, he wrapped his hand on Rivaille's neck as he entangled his black silky locks in his fingers, closing the distance between them.
And there they caught each other's lips in a slow and endearing kiss. It wasn't needy. It wasn't done out of sexual tension. For once, Rivaille didn't ask for an entrance towards the cavern of Eren's mouth. For once, he didn't have the urge to hastily turn innocent kissing into something more. He simply wanted it just as it is.
It would have lasted much longer if not for their lungs begging for the much needed air. Their lips parted with a soft sigh as they were engulfed in a hazed daze. Rivaille nudged his forehead on Eren's chest as the said brunette dropped his head on top of Rivaille's hair, relishing in that same scent he had come to love so much. They stood in silence as they felt each other's presence within reach.
Rivaille was the first one to break away. "What now?" He asked though he had known the answer all along.
Eren looked expectantly towards Rivaille. He stayed quiet for a while.
"Do you want me or not? I'm not going to waste my time on you, brat." Rivaille clicked his tongue. This kind of thing, it's just not like him at all. He simply could not take such sappy romance.
"I don't want you, Corporal. I need you." Eren genuinely answered.
"Good." Rivaille walked away, ignoring that wide, cheeky grin resting on Eren's face.
"Now get back on your duties, Yeager. We're not here to dawdle around."
And Eren couldn't help but feel disappointed and happy at the same time. He still could not believe how he entranced humanity's strongest soldier into loving him so.
"Yes, Corporal." Eren responded as he fought back the urge to chuckle. He didn't want to receive a punch to his face nor a kick to his stomach. He just received a true kiss from Rivaille and he wasn't about to spoil that.
Out of the back we fall in time.
We somehow find you and I collide.
A/N: Like OH MY GAWD FOR THE FRICKLING FRACKLING LOVE OF MY OTP, I finally finished this chapter. I've been like what, writing this for the last 5 days. I just can't seem to write it in one go and it feels so frustrating. Add up the fact that college is being a total ass lately and we've been having make-up classes because there were many days that we weren't able to have classes due to typhoon. So yeah, there. Sunday is my only free time now. Boy am I so freaking tired.
I won't be updating this story for quite some time since I seriously need to focus on Sleeping to Dream. It has been seeking for my full love and attention. Haha!
I kind of based this on the song Collide by Howie Day. I also got the italicized words, which is the lyrics, from there. Funny thing is I played Black by G-Dragon (ft. Jennie Kim) nonstop the whole time I'm writing this. I wasn't even able to listen to Collide that much. Haha!