3 - FLASHBACK
About fifteen minutes had already gone by since the detectives had left Elliot alone in the interrogation room. He was walking around the familiar setting, the same he had walked around several times before while questioning suspects, facing the fact that now he was a suspect himself. He wasn't too worried though; they had swabbed his mouth, which meant there was DNA at the scene, and it wouldn't match his.
He was more worried about the unexpected visit to the Special Victims Unit. As he stared out the barred window and saw the familiar sight outside, he acknowledged how time seemed to disappear; it seemed like it was just yesterday that he had stood in this very room. Despite all the time and effort he had spent trying to bury those memories, as soon as he stepped into the precinct, it was like those seven years had never existed.
And Olivia. He couldn't stop wondering about her. Was she there? What had happened in her life during those seven years? As long as he stayed away, he didn't have to wonder. He could just pretend that she and the job were in a different dimension that he had no access to. He could just keep her locked in a box that he couldn't open, buried in the depths of a secret compartment in his heart.
Whenever she came to mind, he would just block the thought. Whenever he asked himself what her life was like after he had left, he would just shove those questions back inside and focus on something else. Now that he was there, where he had left her behind, he would have to find out. If she was there, he would see her. If she wasn't, he would have to know why. There was no walking away from it now; the locked box had resurfaced and was wide open, the key tossed away.
The sound of the door opening made him come crashing back to reality. He felt his heart jump during the millisecond between hearing the door and turning to look in its direction, and he could swear he saw the image of Olivia coming though it, but somehow, the person who walked in was actually Fin. By then, however, he had already let her name escape from his lips.
"Liv…"
"Hey, I know I look good, but not that good," Fin joked, making Elliot smile.
"Sorry, I just…" he said, shaking his head, intending to add something to finish the sentence, but never getting around to it. He was glad to see Fin. He looked older.
Fin pulled a chair and sat at the table. Elliot followed and sat down across from him.
"So Elliot, my man…" Fin started. "Long time no see. Where have you been, man?"
"Well, here and there," Elliot replied, intentionally not revealing much. Fin didn't insist.
"Yeah, well, glad to see you're ok," he said.
"Yeah, you too," Elliot said, then asked, cautiously. "So, Fin, am I a suspect?"
Fin shrugged, looking away.
"You know how it is, you've been on the other side of this table."
Elliot frowned; he had expected Fin to be more forthcoming, but he figured there would be no professional courtesy seeing as he was no longer on the job.
"Do I need a lawyer?" he asked, but he already knew Fin wouldn't answer. He had heard perps ask that question a million times.
"It's your right," Fin said, in a neutral tone. "I actually came here to let you know we'll do a voice line-up, and you can have a lawyer present if you want. Do you want to make a phone call?"
Elliot studied Fin's expression, but found no clues there. He was puzzled about the voice line-up, but again, he knew he wasn't guilty.
"No need," Elliot said, smiling at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Fin simply nodded, standing up again.
"Well, let us know if you change your mind." Fin started walking towards the door.
"Hey, Fin," Elliot called with urgency, making Fin spin on his feet. He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat as he gathered the courage to ask. "She here?"
He knew his expression was more supplicant now than when he was asking about the case.
Fin glanced at the mirror, and Elliot knew what he meant. She was right there behind the glass. He looked intently at it and didn't even notice Fin had left the room.
"Number four," a male voice called from behind the glass to indicate his turn.
Elliot cleared his throat, hesitated, and then said the line, disgusted.
"Ok, babe, now let's see you struggle a little." He waited, knowing that if the victim had recognized him, the other voices wouldn't speak.
"Number five," the voice called, and Elliot let out a heavy breath he didn't know he was holding.
After the last voice said the line, there was a moment of silence, and then the voice announced they were dismissed.
Elliot said a curse under his breath at his powerlessness, realizing he hated being on the other side of the game. He found himself analyzing what he knew so far about the case, trying to put the pieces together, and while he didn't like how easily he had fallen back into detective mode, he figured at least it gave him something to do until he was eventually cleared and released. Or until he saw her. He didn't know which one he was more anxious for.
A uniform came into the room to let the the other men go and escort him back to the interrogation room. As he walked, he tried to see or hear anything, looking especially for the characteristic sound of her voice. And then he heard it.
"...keep looking for the neighbor," she was saying.
He stopped walking, looking in the direction where her voice had come from, in the room next to the one where he had been. A tall, blond man walked out of the room.
"So, lunch?" he said.
And then she came out of the room right behind the tall man. Elliot tried to see her face, but she never turned in his direction.
"Sure," she replied to the tall man, walking away with him. The blonde detective came out from the room as well. "Amanda, keep me posted on the DNA."
"Ok, Liv," she said, staying behind and taking her cell phone from her pocket. She looked in Elliot's direction and their eyes crossed for a second as he tried to look past her in Olivia's direction.
"So I guess the line-up excludes him, right?" Peter asked, filling his mouth with food as he waited for her reply.
"We're waiting on the DNA, but I don't think it will be a match," Olivia said, for a moment almost forgetting who the suspect was. But Peter soon reminded her.
"What are the chances huh?" he said. "A former SVU detective turning up as a suspect in a rape investigation?"
"Tell me about it," she commented. "I never thought I'd hear from him again, especially not like this."
"So he just disappeared completely after he retired? After how many years working together?"
Olivia was glad he seemed surprised by that; at the precinct, everyone had acted like it wasn't a big deal that he didn't stay in touch with anyone. But it was a big deal.
"Twelve," she said, rejoicing in his look of confusion. She wanted to thank him.
"Wow, twelve," Peter said, wondering. "Longer than most marriages I know."
Olivia laughed, shaking her head, feeling comfortable talking about Elliot for the first time that day.
"He actually used to say that he was my longest relationship with a man," she confided, and noticed that Peter seemed surprised.
"Sounds territorial…" he commented, seeming hesitant, like he didn't want to offend her. "I don't know... possessive."
"Oh yeah," she agreed, vehemently nodding as she remembered how Elliot never missed a chance to let her boyfriends know he was the alpha male in her life.
"I can't imagine that at all," Peter said, squinting as he seemed to analyze her against what she was saying.
"Imagine what?" she was genuinely curious.
"You, letting a man have that hold on you."
Peter's words reverberated deep within her, making her smile fade as she looked away from him. She had never thought about it that way.
"Sorry," he rushed to say. "I didn't mean…"
"You're right," she interrupted. "He did have a hold on me. And I let him. It wasn't intentional, it was just who he was. Protective… He meant well. But I never set any limits. I would think of him whenever I made any decisions in my life, like he and I…" she trailed off as she reflected on what she was saying, and in her mind she didn't finish that sentence either. "And I never even questioned it."
That's when Olivia realized why she was afraid of speaking to Elliot. She continued to formulate the realization out loud, more to herself than to Peter. "I've overcome that after he left, and now I guess I'm scared that if I face him again, that feeling will be back… That power I let him have over me."
"There's only one way to find out," Peter offered.
Elliot searched the bag of chips for any remaining crumbs for the umpteenth time just for the lack of anything else to do. Upon not finding anything, he simply let it go again, taking another sip of his coffee. Fin had been kind enough to bring it to him along with some snacks. He was about to check the other empty bag of chips when the door suddenly opened, and the sight of Olivia made him freeze in place.
"Hey," Olivia said, biting back his nickname, as the syllable El had been ready to roll off her tongue right after the greeting. She rushed to get to the point. "You're free to go."
Elliot felt like he had forgotten how to move. Or how to speak. He moved his mouth, trying to formulate something, but he wasn't able to. He thought he had prepared himself enough for the moment when he would face her, but he hadn't. He didn't think he ever could have.
She looked very different, yet exactly the same. Stunningly beautiful as always. It was her. His Olivia. The same Olivia he had seen for the most part of almost every day for so many years. The same one he hadn't seen at all for the past seven years. He felt like a wave hit him with all the longing he had bottled up during all that time, and it was like he felt the equivalent of seven years worth of missing her all at once, all in that moment as he took the sight of her in. He wanted to cross the room and hold her, make sure she was real.
Olivia had prepared herself to go in there and only talk about the case, tell him what she had to tell him and test the waters, see how she felt seeing him after so long, with some kind of illusion that she would be in control of the situation. She remembered how, ironically, that interrogation room was the same one where she had hidden to cry when she first heard of his retirement, and that alone threw her off. She cursed the stupid coincidence that had brought him back there.
"DNA came back," she went on, eager to break the awkward silence and clinging to the case to stay in control of her emotions. He was right there, staring back at her. Still existing. Like no time had passed. "It's not a match."
"Did she name a neighbor as her assailant?" Elliot asked, finding his voice. He figured talking about the case was the way to go, and he was glad to hear the words coming out successfully. He figured she might be using the same strategy, and he preferred to think that than to consider that the distance she had established between them didn't mean that she was indifferent to seeing him.
Olivia simply cocked her head to the side, furrowing her brow with a half-smile, more like a quarter of a smile, he thought, looking surprised. It seemed to be her turn to be speechless, so he figured he'd go on.
"I assume that's why you were checking me out, because I'm her neighbor. And because of the scratch, since there was DNA at the scene."
They stared at each other for another moment of silence. Olivia was surprised that he also seemed interested in keeping the case as the main - or only - subject of conversation, but she was also thankful as it was a safe terrain. She was also suddenly curious to hear his assumptions about it. Elliot, in turn, wanted to engage in conversation with her, and the only subject at hand at the moment was the case, so he continued.
"She's not dead, because I didn't see the ME car outside the building, only CSU."
Olivia had to smile, letting out a chuckle; it was impressive how Elliot still sounded just as cocky as the last time she saw him, always trying to look like he was in control of every situation. There he was, being treated as a suspect, yet acting like he was cracking the case for her.
"Did you talk to her boyfriend?" he asked, casually.
Olivia frowned, approaching the table slowly.
"She didn't mention one," she finally replied. "And she didn't seem to know her attacker."
"Well, I've seen him around," Elliot said, raising his eyebrows. "Usually comes over late at night, leaves in the morning. Older guy, late forties, fifties maybe."
"Why would he attack her?" Olivia leaned on the table with both hands.
"Don't know… Maybe she broke up with him and he wasn't having it?"
"Did you see any fights? Hear anything?"
Elliot shook his head. "No, nothing. She's pretty quiet actually."
Olivia nodded, making a mental note to ask Jessica about the boyfriend, then straightened up, crossing her arms.
"Thanks for the insight," she said, suddenly remembering he wasn't her partner anymore and she had no business discussing the case with him.
Elliot remembered the same thing. It had been so natural to exchange ideas with her, it was like they had done it just the day before. It suddenly seemed odd to him that he wasn't a detective anymore and that she was working on a case without him. Olivia walked to the door of the interview room and opened it, waving her hand as if to remind him he was free to go. Elliot cleared his throat and stood up, unable to shake the feeling that he shouldn't leave, that he should stay and help her.
"Liv…" he said, before he even realized he was speaking, but he felt like he couldn't leave without saying it. "I'm sorry I never called you back."
Olivia froze in place, shocked. She hadn't expected him to say that at all. The unspoken deal was to talk about the case only, why did he have to break it?
"I'm not doing this with you right now," she replied in a reflex, not much louder than a whisper, avoiding his eyes and trying not to show any emotion, but failing.
As much as she might have wanted to hear an apology, it seemed like such a small thing, like it didn't cover an inch of the mile-wide hole he had left when he disappeared from her life. She figured that hearing he was sorry after all that she had been through was worse than not hearing from him at all. She regretted coming to see him.
Elliot just stood there, not knowing what to do or say after her refusal. He looked down, resigned. What did he expect? He disappeared. He didn't exist for her anymore, she certainly hadn't made any reference to knowing him before he tried to apologize. She wanted to ignore everything that had ever happened between them, and it was her right.
"Okay," he replied. "I just wanted you to know."
"You know what?" she looked up at him again, pressing her lips together and shaking her head. "It doesn't matter anymore."
Both of them wondered if what she said meant that she wasn't mad anymore or that she didn't care anymore. Elliot finally approached the door, looking at her one last time, containing the urge to take her in his arms. With a sigh, he left.