Wednesday, October 31, 2012
CLARE: The windows are icy, and the wind is blowing vigorously, but Alba insists that we go trick-or-treating. "You didn't buy me this leopard costume for nothing, Mama," she says sternly. I love it when she tries to be firm with me; it always makes me laugh.
She finishes her spaghetti in a rush and runs upstairs to retrieve a pillowcase from her bed. "Alba, what are you doing with that?" I ask, chuckling a little at the sight. It is almost as big as her.
"I want to make sure I can hold ALL the candy I get this year," she admits with a huge grin on her face. I roll my eyes at her and grab my coat as we head out the door. Maybe this won't be such a bad thing after all. I could use the exercise because, to be honest, I've been putting on a few pounds lately. Of course I've been meaning to exercise, but being single parent, I hardly see how that's possible.
Alba tugs on the sleeve of my jacket and drags me to the house across the street. This is when a large development comes as a disadvantage. I wait in the driveway as Alba rings the doorbell. The icy wind blows my hair behind me and I can't fight the shiver that runs down my spine. When she returns, we walk silently to the next house. Alba was never a child of many words.
About five houses later, I start to get bored. I have to admit, it's not the same when you aren't the one collecting the sweets. "Alba, do you still have homework to do?"
"Nope, I finished everything, I promise," she says. I sigh. I almost got out of it. "Mama?"
"Yes, Alba?" I reply.
"Can I tell you something?"
"What is it, baby?" I crouch down in front of her so that we are seeing eye to eye.
"I don't know if it's too early or not to tell you this but,"-she takes a deep breath-"I think you're pregnant."
I blink at her. Pregnant? Pregnant? What is she thinking? How is that even possible? Oh, I get it. Leave it to Henry to get me pregnant after he's dead. He never did fail to amaze me. "Are you sure?" She nods once. I study her, trying to read her expression. Nothing. Naturally, she inherited her father's convenient trait that hides all emotion. "Is it a boy or a girl?" She smiles, closes her eyes and shakes her head. Alba runs her fingers across her lips and pretends to throw away the key. Sometimes, she finds the best ways to frustrate me. I smile back.
"Nope, I'm not saying anything. I just didn't want it to be a surprise on labor day." We laugh together. The wind blows a few hairs in her face and I brush them away to plant a kiss on her forehead. She slides her hand in mine and we slowly continue down the street. "Uh, Mama?"
"What now, Alba?" I say, smiling. She doesn't answer, just points. Her mouth is frozen in an "O" shape, and she is momentarily speechless. I follow her slender fingers down the road to see a small boy, maybe 4 years old, watching us. He is completely naked. "Alba, who is that?"
She hesitates, but then quietly answers, "It's Adam." Adam? She wiggles her hand free from mine and drops her make-shift candy bag at my feet, taking off full speed toward the little boy.
"Alba! Come back here! Alba!" I run after her, but she has already embraced the boy, supposedly named Adam, into a tight hug.
"Mama!" a squeaky voice exclaims. I realize that it comes from the child in my daughters arms. Alba lets go and Adam attaches himself to my leg. "Hi, Mama!" He giggles, and at once, I fall in love with this child. When he releases his grip on my calf, he gestures with his tiny hands for me to come closer. I bend down and point my ear in his direction. His cups his gentle hands around it, and whispers, "Can I have some clothes?" I start to laugh. How adorable! The smile never leaves his pudgy, little face. With ease, I scoop him in my arms and fit my other hand in Alba's. I slowly lead them back home.
"Sorry we had to cut your Halloween short, Alba," I sympathize.
"It's okay! Hey, Adam, what do you wanna play when we get home?" she asks.
"Clue!" he yells, perpetually giggling. Without being able to help myself, I kiss the boy on the forehead. It still astounds me that this boy could be here in my arms, and also in my abdomen - both Adam's here and now. This time traveling thing never did get old.
I smile to myself at how messed up and yet how perfect my life truly was. Sure I'm overly depressed about Henry isn't constantly in my life anymore, but without even knowing it, he's left me another piece of him. He'll never know how beautiful this child is, how much he looks him, how his smile makes his cheeks dimple in exactly the same way. For once, I felt my luck balance out, the empty hole in my chest ache a little less.
"Clue." I chuckle to myself, and tickle his soft stomach. "Clue. If only you had a clue how perfect you are!"