As requested by raijindork on Tumblr; "I'LL PROTECT YOU! I'M BATMAN!" - for BixLu. For obvious reasons.

Hope you like it! (I can't write Bickslow drunk for shit)

Lucy let out a cry of pain as her hand brushed accidentally the scorching hot metal of the pan. "Shit!" the blonde swore, clutching her the burnt finger with her other hand. She'd need a band-aid.

"Hellooo~" A voice suddenly spoke right into her ear and Lucy let out a startled scream. She immediately turned around... only for eyes to meet her boyfriend's dark red ones. Mavis, he had given her one hell of a fright.

"Watcha' screamin' for, Cosplay-girl?" the Seith mage slurred, "t's just me..."

Was he drunk?

Her suspicions were confirmed as he went for a quick kiss; he indeed smelled and tasted of alcohol. "How much did you drink tonight?" she asked him, and he shrugged.

"Don't know. M'be a barrel..."

"A barrel?"

He ignored her, more interested by her injured finger. "What happened to ya'?"

She sighed. "Nothing, just a little burn."

He looked at her questioningly. She sighed. "Well, I was cooking and—"

"You were attacked?"

She looked at him like he had grown another head. "No! It's just the pan."

"The pan attacked you?!"

"Wha— No!" But Bickslow wasn't listening anymore; he wrapped his strong arms around her waist and brought her closer to him. "Quick, Lucy, go hide. I'll buy us some time."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry, I'll protect you; I'm Batman!"

She blinked. "...Batman?"

He winked. "Come now, my faithful assistant!" Bickslow suddenly called and their four-year-old daughter, Sage, entered the room, a thin blanket loosely tied around her neck as an improvised superhero cape.

How? When?

"Robin, so good to see you." Bickslow slurred. "Let's defeat this evil foe" — he pointed to the pan — "by joining forces."

The little girl, oblivious to the drunk state her father was in, giggled and clapped her tiny hands. "I'm Robin!"

"Robin! Robin!" Bickslow's spirits repeated enthusiastically from behind her, nearly giving the Celestial Mage a heart attack — as if one jumpscare wasn't enough for tonight.

Lucy could only stand back and watch with stupor as the man that for some goddamn reason held her heart charged the oven, followed by their skipping daughter and a bunch of cheering totems.

Idiots. All of them.