I didn't realize. I should have felt it within me.

A coldness was surfacing. Harsh.

My eyes becoming bitter.

I didn't realize right away but it hit me full force while playing, since the only way for my feelings to come out was through my violin. To the audience it was the greatest display of emotion, so strong as though those strings were about to break any second, as the violin itself was screaming so forcefully letting out every feeling until becoming empty and finally being able to breathe again.

Impetuous playing.

The bitterness may have gone. But I still don't feel like I could easily breathe.

-:-

I'm on my way back, but this time I don't go directly back home. I chose to stop by a ramen shop on the way ignoring the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach reminding me of what I'm trying to avoid by that.

I ate unhurriedly. All the time my mind has been reversed to Gii. Is he having dinner too? Where is he?

How are you feeling?

Did anything happen with your parents while I was away?

We never contacted each other during this time and my anxiety is growing.

Do you still want me?

Gii…

-:-

I reach our familiar front door. And I just stand here for a moment, keys in hand ready to open the door. Breathing's getting hard, I'm almost afraid of going in.

I turn the key in the lock and step inside. Quietly.
The lights are out.
"He's not here…" the huge sigh I release calms my racing heart. I'm somehow grateful I don't have to face him just yet.

-:-

Noises. I slowly open my eyes to darkness. A light comes from the other room. And I hear it again, faint noises I was woken up from, coming from outside the bedroom.

My heart jolts.

Gii!

I'm completely awake now. I listen attentively. I concentrate on those noises trying to figure out what he's doing and where is he exactly.

Steps becoming louder. I know he must have realized I'm back. My bags are still in the living room.
He's quietly reaching the bed.

My heart's throbbing. I remain still.

I can't see him because I'm facing the other way.

Then a light movement of the mattress.

I feel him.

I feel his presence and I feel his body as if we were touching.

He's getting closer. He's sat on his side but his hand is now hovering over my head.

My heart is beating so loudly I fear he's able to hear it. And I wonder how he can't, while instead I hear an incontrollable noise even if it's all quite around us.

Silence.

Stillness.

He doesn't move.

How long did this moment last I wonder.

I feel him moving away.

His hand is gone.

My heart bleeds.

My eyes burn.

Gii!

But I do nothing.

He's laying down and we'll spend a sleepless and tiring night.

-:-

Just a bit after dawn Takumi climbed out the bed and careful to make as little noise as possible he hurriedly took his clothes before exiting the bedroom. All the while trying not to look at Gii for fear he'd wake up.

When the alarm went off, a groggy Gii reached out his arm to turn it off. With his mind still full of sleep, he kept his hand over it for a while before he remembered: "Takumi!" he said with a start lifting up his upper body from the bed and turning to the other side of it. But his eyes went wide, it was empty.
'It wasn't a dream, right?' he thought sadly 'Right…?' with a sigh of dejection he sunk down in bed where he lied for a moment before he walked out the bedroom looking for traces of Takumi in the house.
His luggage was in the living room, like he saw the night before, but his violin wasn't there so he realized where he must have gone to.
'Isn't it really early..?' he mused brokenly to himself, thinking about why Takumi should wake up so early in the morning to play right on the day after a strenuous concert.

-:-

When I came back home I was surprised to note he was there. He came back earlier. I can imagine the reason why.

Drawing in a deep breath I look inside from the doorway and he's there.

Oh.

How long it's been without me looking at you? Finally I can see you again.

But something's holding me back.

We're not the same.

This silence that seized our home still didn't leave us. I walk slowly inside, you're watching me and even if I don't show it I'm delighted to see the smallest smile on you as you saw me.

"Welcome back" you say quietly as if afraid of something. This tense atmosphere hurts. It has never been like this between us.

"Tadaima" my voice is so small in the silence.

I walk past him, to rest my violin on the table. And I just stand there with my back on Gii.

"Takumi, can we talk?" my heart throbs at hearing your voice. And it's hurting for the sorrow I hear in it.

You're walking up to me and suddenly my heart drums frantically in my chest, my anxiety growing, breath quickens, I can't think and I wish for time to slow down. No, I can't face you just yet.

We're one in front of the other but I have trouble looking in your eyes.
I'm still unmoving. But as you open your mouth to talk I react immediately, and I stop you.

"No, stop. I don't want-" I'm stumbling on my words. Your eyes widen in surprise.

"Takumi…?" you're not aware that what hurt me the most it's not your family not accepting me, us. But how you handled it all by yourself. How you excluded me.

"I'm part of our relationship, don't leave me out of it"

I can't say if it was the broken tone of my voice or what I said that startled Gii so much that he couldn't answer.

-:-

Even though we don't go to sleep together, we're still sleeping in the same bed. Not because we don't have any other option. When I woke up we were face to face.
While you slept I just watched you. Unconsciously I've raised my hand quietly to softly trace the side of your face in a butterfly touch.

Why did you act like you were distancing me? Thinking about the possibilities makes my heart ache.
With a cast down sigh I turn around to get off the bed, but just when I was getting up a strong hand grabbed my forearm to pull me back. Startled I turn around.
I thought you were still in deep sleep.

Grave eyes.

No more sparkling adorned them.

"I'm sorry. I didn't rely on you and without wanting to I pushed you away." Your voice broke "I'm sorry"

I know. I believe you.

I love you.

But this barrier in me still didn't disappear and I can't say it yet.

"I can't…" to hide my tears that you could hear from my voice, I walk away.

And then I realized: the more you left me out, the more me too have closed off to you. And we can't just go back to before.