As always, big thanks to my editors Drucilla and BlueShifted, both of which were rather creeped out by this chapter. I feel so proud.
Not much to say this time around, but I feel I do need to assure you that just because I put a character through hell, it doesn't mean I don't love them. If anything, it shows how much I love them! (Which is why it's probably a godsend to the rest of the world that I don't date.)
The song featured is from a classic Donald cartoon!
The next tale in our absurd collection takes place after one of Minnie's latest wild goose chases around Spookyville – this is not a metaphor, she created a flock of magic wild geese to chase down the Mayor. It failed, as usual, but they sure left their marks, especially on the seats of the trousers of the Mayor's poor associates. Minnie never cried over her failures too long anymore – to her, it meant something new to learn, like how the Mayor was horribly allergic to goose down. Oh well, his head would stop swelling eventually, and then he'd surely forgive her.
She flounced back to her home on the hill, stopping every now and then to brush some feathers from her dress, making small-talk with her smaller familiars. As they discussed how to improve the next plan, it was Chip who remarked, "Say, did you guys notice that Donald got distracted mid-way through the day?"
"I saw that too!" Dale replied, sitting comfortably on Minnie's shoulder. "Wasn't that the oddest thing?"
"Why, I didn't see that," Minnie said, surprised by this new information. "I was too busy watching the Mayor... was Donald really that distracted?"
"I swear it!" Chip saluted, always loyal to his lunatic. "I think it was when we were passing the Boo-tique-"
"That's a terrible pun!" Dale groaned.
"Spookyville is 99% terrible puns! And 1% outdated Halloween memes!"
Minnie let them bicker about nonsense as she threw open her front door, terribly curious. "Boys, I need to find out what happened! This could be crucial to my next idea! The Mayor's difficult to get alone, but if I can get rid of his friends, he'll be an easy, adorable target! Now, let me see..." Once her chipmunks hopped off, she began to dig into her closet, tossing magical tools over her shoulder. "Something in here should let me see what got Donald's attention... Enchanted Elixirs, Bewitching Brews, my personalized lockpicking kit...a-ha!" Satisfied, Minnie popped back up holding a remote control in her fingers. "I got this last year for Witchmas! The Clock-Clicker! I tell it a memory, and it'll play it back!"
"That is incredibly convenient," Chip quipped.
"And to think we almost returned it for a coffee-maker!" Dale added.
Minnie spun around, pointing the clicker in the air and pressing several buttons before uttering the right spell.
"It happened today, a little past ten,
I saw my Mayor, I know exactly when,
Right around the Boo-tique, an eye was caught,
So be a dear and just tell me what!"
The remote glowed white, before shooting out a stream of fluffy clouds that formed a television screen, replaying the day's events. There went Minnie, happily skipping down the street, while citizens and mayors alike ran screaming from the flock of untamed animals she had released to nip at his heels. "Looks like a normal day so far," Minnie commented as she watched, waiting for the turn around the corner.
"Wait for it..." Chip held his breath, before pointing. "There, right there, pause it!"
Click! Minnie froze the screen, and then leaned in – true enough, Donald had suddenly turned his head to the left, his attention caught elsewhere, instead of on the rabid goose trying to bite down on his tail-feathers. "Why, Chip, you're right! I wonder what made him look!" A few more experimental button-presses allowed her to zoom in past the flurry of white feathers and destroyed street pavement.
Right in front of the Boo-tique, gazing at the windows and ignoring the rampant chaos behind her, stood a young lady duck with her eyes glued to the dresses inside. She was definitely a pretty thing, decked in blues of all types and tints. Silhouettes of tiny mice poked around her hat, held together by a sparkling purple band, and her hands were comfortably resting in a fluffy periwinkle muffler. Her dressed appeared to glitter and gleam with every movement she made, which is perhaps what snagged Donald's eyes in the first place, though it was the rest of her that kept him looking.
Cute as it was, if he had managed to pay more attention to the danger than the dame, he wouldn't have been run over by the geese and the witch herself seconds later, making his back into the world's weirdest runway. Minnie clapped her hands together, intrigued and giddy. "Why, this is perfect! He's got a crush on this nice girl! We should set them up!"
"That's awfully nice of you to suggest, mistress!" Chip said.
"So how are you going to ruin it, mistress?" Dale said.
"If we get them together," Minnie explained, turning off the image, "Then Donald will spend more time with her and less time with the Mayor! That means his defenses will have a big gap, and my plans to make him mine will increase by 30%!" Warning – trying to attempt this math will make you go cross-eyed. "If there's anyone who knows anything about love, it's Minnie Mouse, Matchmaker Master!" She stuck her fingers in her mouth, whistling for her broom.
"Not that we don't doubt your abilities in the slightest," Chip easily lied, "But how are you going to do it?"
"Yeah, mistress, your magic is all about winning over the Mayor! … Or killing him. The comedic narrative makes it kind of hard to tell what your aim is," Dale tried to reason as best he could. "Can it really be used to make someone else fall in love?"
"I won't know unless I try!" Minnie announced, yanking her broom over once it was within reach. "You boys stay here and get rid of the goose pen, I don't think we'll be needing that anymore. Maybe love lions would do better..." She then waved a hand, that would wait another day. "For now, my aim is one Donald Duck! Wish me luck!" She sat atop her broom and flew out the window, humming merrily along the way.
The chipmunks silently agreed that someone else probably needed that luck much, much more.
At the Mayor's office, Mickey had avoided a visit to the hospital thanks to a magical epi-pen, which is the same as a regular epi-pen, except it's magical. With Minnie's threat over for the day, he could get to work. He shuffled his papers, trying to remember the day's agenda before Minnie decided to... you know, he really had no idea what that last plan would have succeeded in doing, it was perhaps best not to dwell on it. "Okay, guys, where were we?"
"It was just about lunch-time!" Goofy said as he pulled out a tray of triple-decker sandwiches from his hat. "That is if your throat still isn't swelled up... also, what's the difference between the geese that chased us and Donald's distant cousins?"
"We don't have time to deal with existential fourth-wall breaking," Donald said after clearing his throat, flipping open his notebook. "After your lunch, you need to look over the newest forms concerning donations at the local blood bank. Then you have a meeting with the democratic skeleton society, Dem Bones - "
"That pun's so bad we should be sued over it."
"That's your 3'clock appointment. After that, I have to be caught in a magical pink lasso... wait." Donald paused, not remembering when he wrote that in the schedule – because he hadn't, it was happening right now, thanks to an open window. All three heads swiveled around to see who was on the other end, and take a fair guess.
"Hiii!" Minnie chirped outside, waving the other end of the lasso about as she sat on her broom. "I just need to borrow Donald for a little while! Thanks, bye!" With a click of her heels, the broom sped off, taking Donald with it with a loud "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!"
Mickey blinked at the now empty space in his office. He supposed the reasonable, rational, nice thing to do would be to follow them and make sure nothing happened to his secretary. Then again, he did have a lot of paperwork to get to, and without Donald around, he wouldn't be given more of it. He took a sandwich and thought as he chewed. "You know... he is pretty powerful, I'm sure he can take care of himself. Plus, it'd be nice not to be the center of attention this chapter."
Goofy poured a fresh cup of tea out of his hat. "And it's got nothin' to do with how popular his new show is, right?"
"What did we just say about the fourth wall?"
Donald was finally released with an unceremonious THUD about ten blocks later, landing on his head while still tied up. Minnie jumped off her broom and began to brush Donald down. "There there, we can't have you looking like rubbish for your big date."
Donald's eyes swam, confused on several levels. "My big what? … Oh, no, if you're in love with me now, I will take out my pen and stick it in my jugular."
"First, ew. Second, rude. Third, it's not with me, silly!" Minnie adjusted his hat, and then began to untie him. "I'm going to get you a date with that cute girl you were staring at!"
Once Donald was free, he rubbed his raw wrists before actually hearing what had been said. "What? Seriously? … What's the catch?" He pointed at her face, immediately and rightfully suspicious. "Anything involving you never ends well. The last thing I need is a Minnie-sized migraine. If you'll excuse me..." He tugged on his jacket, turning on his heel, ready to go. "I can land dates on my own just fine."
"Oh, really?" Minnie asked, genuinely sincere. "When was the last time you were on a date?"
Donald froze in place, and the longer he took to answer, the more obvious it became what the answer was. "It... might have been... a while..." he mumbled, each word taking more effort to say than the last. "... Oh, boy, I'm actually going to go along with this, aren't I?"
"It'll be easy, with me at your side!" Minnie skipped to his side, taking him by the arm and dragging him along. "A girl that fashionable is probably going to hit the shoe store next. It probably has a pun about soles and souls."
"Hang on, hang on!" But no matter how hard Donald tried to use his feet as brakes, Minnie proved that her petite body had way more strength than he could ever account for. "I don't even know her name, or what type of monster she is! She could be a witch, or a mummy, or a werewolf... I need to make sure so I don't offend her!"
"Oh, those things don't matter!" Minnie put a hand above her eyes as if that would somehow help her peering prowess. "Just be yourself! Except more charming, suave, and debonair. And try to speak in a more natural voice. And stop frowning. Basically, just be anyone but yourself." Donald had no time to be insulted when Minnie suddenly squealed, "There she is!" And then shoved Donald face-first into a patch of thorny bushes. "Here, hide so we can plan!"
"WHY IS EVERY MINUTE WITH YOU SOMEHOW FILLED WITH PAIN?!"
Minnie ducked in next to him, not getting pricked by the bushes because they knew better. "See, there she is!" She pointed ahead, and there stood the lady in question, leaving the shoe store with a pair of new purple heels on her feet, trying them out with a little tap-tap-tap on the sidewalk.
Donald managed to rip the thorns out of his face, blinking hard so he could see past the pain. "She is pretty cute... I can't even guess what type of monster she'd be. What makes you think someone that gorgeous would want a regular guy like me?" He waited. Waited. Waited. "...This is the part where you say I'm great."
"Oh, sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question." Minnie shrugged it off, and with a wave of her hands, poofed up a bouquet of red roses. "Anyway, here you go! What girl doesn't love flowers? Aside from the ones who are allergic. But love is a risk worth taking!"
Donald took the flowers, but hesitated. "These... aren't going to explode, or turn carnivorous, or spray laughing gas, or-"
"Less asking me and more asking her out!" Minnie pushed Donald out of the bush, whispering so the other girl hopefully wouldn't hear. "Just walk across the street, and introduce yourself! You can do it!"
Donald glanced back at her, then at the girl who was deciding whether to go next, cupping her chin in adorable thought. He drew a breath – maybe it really could be as simple as all that! He smoothed down his jacket, cleared his throat, and then stepped forward into the street. "Hi-"
We pause this story for a brief safety lesson that is important for all ages. Whether you live in normal society or a world infested with Halloween creatures, you should always look both ways before crossing the street. That way, you will hopefully avoid being hit with an eighteen-wheeler, which Donald did not.
Minnie patiently waited until the last gigantic bone-crushing wheel had ran itself over Donald's mangled body before hopping over and inspecting the damage. "Aw, the flowers got crushed! We better think of something else to win her over."
"I can't feel my legs."
"C'mon, she's on the move!" Minnie grabbed Donald by the wrist, ignoring the sickening sound of his liquefied organs as she tried to find where the young lady had gone off to. "Faint heart never won the fair lady! And fainting doesn't count!"
Later on, the reluctant duo was in the Spookyville library, having spotted the young lady flipping through some texts in a corner. Minnie and Donald poked their heads around the corner, and then Minnie began to shove book after book into Donald's arms. "Okay, plan B. The Meet Cute!"
"Dare I ask?"
"It's the standard cliche for all romance movies! You create a scenario where the love interests meet, bonding over a shared experience, like dropping your books in front of her! She'll pick them up, glance at the titles, and start a conversation! Hollywood would be bankrupt without that trope!"
Once again, this sounded like a sane idea... in theory. However, Minnie's over-eager excitement decided that Donald needed to have many, many books to make this work. Donald wound up with an armful, a stackful, an eyeful – he could no longer see in front of his face. "Please tell me that me being injured isn't going to be the running gag of this chapter. It's already the running gag of my life."
"Don't be such a downer, and go be the cutest meet that has ever met!" Minnie lightly pushed his shoulders, forcing Donald to walk forward, the tower of books beginning to wobble. Donald gulped loudly, trying to walk very slowly so he could avoid certain doom. Every so often he tried to glance around his pile to at least make sure he was headed in the right direction, but even this proved to be difficult. Inch by inch, scoot by scoot, he didn't dare go any faster. How was he supposed to drop these books naturally, by the way...?
Minnie was running out of patience. This was taking way too long! By the time he got over there, the young lady would be finished with her book and out the door! Clearly Donald needed her assistance. She slid out her wand from her pointy hat, and flicked it towards the carpet underneath his feet. All it would take is one gentle tug, and he'd have his meet cute, followed by date cute, then wedding cute, then Mayor in handcuffs and chained in Minnie's basement cute!
Donald let out a startled "WAK!" as he felt the carpet underneath his feet move, and it was not one gentle tug at all! It was a hard pull, and he was so surprised that he threw all the books up in shock – he let out a longer "WAAAAAK!" and scrambled to catch each and every single one before they could fall, even if it meant catching by with his feet, beak, tail, hat, etc. By some miracle, he managed to retrieve every single fallen book, and sighed with relief at the avoidance of his usual fate.
This relief lasted for three seconds, as when Minnie had tugged the carpet, it had also wound up tugging under the very large, heavy bookshelves which thudded against one another until they had a domino disaster. As much as Donald would have loved to move out of the way, all of his limbs being preoccupied with books prevented him from moving a single inch. The last thing he saw was the young lady quietly leaving – and then he was smashed flat. Minnie clicked her tongue – that wasn't very cute at all! She flounced over to the pile of crushed bookshelves, knowing no librarian with any will to live would think of shushing her, and managed to find Donald's hand. "Honestly, Donald, being loud in a library isn't going to win anyone over! Let's try something else."
"I think my lung is punctured."
"Don't be such a crybaby." With both of her hands holding his, she dragged out the nearly-dead Donald from underneath and headed off. Third time was the charm, and tended to be the last time a plan failed before either a serious of hilarious quick-timed montages, or a success!
Lunch had passed, and it was almost dinner-time for residents of Spookyville, which was probably why Donald's stomach was rumbling. That, or all the blood his wounded organs were spilling was starting to pile up in there. The young lady was now at the florist, thoughtfully rubbing some rose petals between her fingers as the sun was starting to set. She did not see Donald and Minnie hiding in the nearby alleyway. Minnie's latest plan involved a large wooden guitar, which she strapped to Donald's back before sliding it into his arms. "There! Now you can serenade her, and win her heart with a song!"
Donald plucked a few strings with his fingers. "But I don't know any love songs."
"Just sing from the heart! It'll come through! True love is understood in all languages, even the tone-deaf!"
Donald was understandably reluctant to give it a try, "hmm"ing out loud as he weighed his options. Mostly he was trying to figure out how this plan would wind up with him in need of a full-body cast, and for once he couldn't connect it. This plan, dumb as it was, did seem to be harmless. "Maybe you used up all your crazy for the day. This might actually do the job!"
Minnie clapped her hands before pointing away. "Go get her, future best man at my wedding!"
The secretary took a deep breath before walking out into the dimming sunlight. Looked left – looked right – nothing to run him over, nothing to fall on top of him, and with a glance behind him, Minnie was doing nothing except shaking a pair of suddenly summoned maracas to go with the song. So far, so good! Donald looked towards the young lady, who had moved on to picking up a few daisies, and found inspiration. He lightly began to strum, making the words up as he went along.
"Daisy, Daisy, you're the one,
That gets me captivated..."
The young lady paused before turning towards the song, eyebrows raised, intrigued by what she was hearing. Donald felt his heart skip a beat, seeing those pretty eyes meet his own, and he faltered before picking up the beat again. Things were going his way! Maybe Minnie wasn't so bad after all! He owed her one!
"Every time you look at me,
I get so addlepated..."
Except you and I both know the road to a bad place is paved with good intentions, and Minnie had nothing but good intentions on her mind. The song was good – but it could be better! Like if it was louder! Yes, if it could be heard all over the world, the young lady would swoon! Or go deaf and never hear Donald's natural voice, which would also work. With a wave of her wand, the maracas vanished, and she replaced them with six-foot-tall speakers. They just needed to be plugged into the guitar – which Minnie forgot at first was not an electric guitar. Oh well, things would work out.
She clicked the plugs for the speakers together, making sure they weren't just full of electricity, but super, super, SUPER charged with electricity. She skipped over to Donald -
"And when I'm riding along the street,
Everybody that I meet..."
"Here you go, Donald!" And jabbed the plugs into his back -
"Says 'there goes that guy,
that's crazy over Daisy MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE'!"
Which wound up sending hundreds upon thousands of electric volts throughout his body, frying his feathers and turning him into delicious roast duck, then burnt duck, then sizzling, crackling, blackened duck. He landed on his back, mouth open, perhaps far past the point of being able to scream anymore. Minnie leaned over his comatose body, pouting. "Oh, Donald, I don't think she's into heavy metal! Your music taste leaves a lot to be desired." She tossed the plugs aside, finished with the current scheme. "Oh well. Onto the next idea!"
"NO!" Donald yelled, suddenly able to find the strength to stand up and grab Minnie by the front of her dress. "NO MORE IDEAS! Each one of your stupid ideas gets me closer to death! I just saw a bright light and I'm pretty sure I had Walt waving at me from the other side! NO MORE! I'M OUT! I'M DONE! FINISHED! KAPUT! WHATEVER WILL GET THROUGH THOSE BIG EARS OF YOURS!"
Minnie blinked back at him, his smell reminding her to toss out the old chicken fried rice in her fridge. "But you can't stop now, Donald! Your true love is waiting for you! How will she ever know how you feel if you don't go for it?"
"I CAN'T DATE HER IF I'M DEAD!"
"Now that's just quitter talk. Besides, I know necromancy!"
Donald dropped Minnie like a hot potato, convinced that she took "help him or die trying" quite literally. "Go back to stalking the Mayor! Shoot, I'll gift-wrap him for you if that'll get you to stop helping me! I don't ever want you helping me again! Not now, not ever, now get lost!"
Minnie went quiet, her face seeming to shrink. Her eyes ducked down, almost hidden by her hat, and her hands folded together. She didn't say anything right away, save for a few timid sniffles, before -
"AND YOU, NARRATOR! QUIT TRYING TO DRUM UP SYMPATHY!"
Donald was so caught up in yelling at everyone in sight, and those beyond, he nearly missed the feeling of someone tapping his shoulder. He would've yelled at them too, if that person didn't happen to be the young lady! "Pardon me," she asked, "But what in the world is going on here? Is it my imagination, or have you two been following me all day?"
"Yes" said Minnie at the exact time Donald said "no". Minnie then clamped Donald's beak with her hands, bright and peppy again. "My dear friend here wanted to be your boyfriend, so I've been trying to help him come up with ideas on how to win your heart! Isn't that right, Donald?" She made him nod.
The girl raised an eyebrow, turning her head towards Donald. "If that's the case... why didn't you just ask me on a date?"
Stating the simple solution had never hurt a man's soul more severely than it did for Donald right then and there. He buried his face in his hands, grumbling this and that. Minnie tilted her head back in thought – huh, maybe they could've just done that at the start. But what fun would that have been? The young lady held back a chuckle, and offered her hand to Donald. "My name's Daisy."
Donald lowered his hands slowly in shock. He glanced at Minnie, who gave two thumbs up, before steadily taking Daisy's hand to shake it. "I'm, um... I'm Donald Duck! It's nice to meet you, Daisy."
"Looks like my work here is done!" Minnie declared proudly, whistling for her broom.
"You literally did nothing," Donald said under his breath.
"Invite me to the wedding so I can catch the bouquet!" Minnie cheered as she took a seat and began to ride off. Why, she did such a nice thing today! It made her feel good. She deserved a reward for all her hard work – a hot bath, a few chocolates, and then watching the Mayor through the hidden security cameras she placed all over his house.
Relieved to be rid of the nuisance at last, Donald adjusted his hat and linked arms with Daisy, happy to be with a sane woman for the first time all day. "Hey, the day's still young! Why don't we grab a bite to eat?" Maybe he could ask her what type of monster she was, after he told her he was a warlock.
"I had the exact same idea," Daisy said with a girly giggle, but instead of sharing Donald's embrace, she calmly lifted his arm and rolled up his sleeve. "Bon appetite!" And then sunk her vampire fangs right into his flesh.
As it turned out, Donald did still have enough nerve cells alive that could allow him to scream his lungs out.