Disclaimer: I have not, do not and will never own Castle. This is purely for my (and hopefully others) enjoyment.

Thank you to everyone who read the first chapters, I am still trying to find the words to describe how it feels.

Ricks POV

I storm back into the loft, throwing my blazer on the couch and my keys at the wall. I would also throw my phone, but it is lying in a heap of pieces on the floor of my office. I go straight to the liquor cabinet and grab the first two bottles I can lay my hands on then make a mad dash for my study before anyone can stop me.

Horrible, scrounging parasites! Why cant you just LEAVE ME ALONE! All I want to do is forget about everything. Forget about the devastated look on Paula's face, the crushing silence of the shocked press, forget that I never got to say goodbye to the one woman who could make all the hurt in the world go away. I rip off the cap on one of the bottles in my hand and take a deep swig. The unexpected taste makes me choke and cough.

Grey Goose, huh, not bad, I muse. Suddenly there is a pounding on my locked door.

"Richard Alexander Rodgers! You open this door RIGHT NOW!" Martha shouts from behind a layer of wood. She has not called me by me full given name in decades, and for as long as I can recall, she has never used that tone of voice.

"GO AWAY!" I scream back, not caring that I sound like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.

"You open this door right now of so help me, I will…"

"You'll what?" I cut her off mid-lecture, hoping that will make her loose stream. She seems at a loss for a good threat, so she reduces herself to shaking the door handle and begging.

"Richard, please." When she does not get an answer from me, she continues. "At least tell us what is happening. I am watching you go crazy at the press right now!" Ah, I can hear the television on, reliving my last encounter with the press. I still say nothing to the woman on the other side of the door. After five more minutes of waiting, she finally leaves. Just as I hear her thumping up the stairs, the front door is thrown open and someone storms in.

"RICHARD CASTLE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BACK THERE?" I smile grimly. I knew Paula was going to show her ugly face around here sometime, but I didn't think it would be this soon.

"Paula?" Martha sounds shocked to see her here, but Paula just pushes past her and pounds on my door.

"OPEN UP RICK, WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT!" I am not afraid of her, but I can tell the rest of my family is terrified of the woman standing in front of my door. "Do you have ANY idea of what kind of mess you have made? I am going to have to call in ALL of my favors and then some in order for this whole thing to blow over. It's all over the news, 'Richard Castle finally gone round the twist'. It's a nightmare and all because you couldn't keep you big mouth shut and read those damn cue cards!" She roars. Even though I am expecting abuse from her, my hands are shaking with fury.

"You know what Paula," I shout back at her through the door, "We are OVER! DONE! FINISHED! YOU – ARE – FIRED!" I experience a joy I have never felt before. A sort of savage pleasure comes from getting rid of this canker that has latched on to me in order to make money.

"But… but Rick… you have a c-contract, you c-cant just up and f-fire me…" She sounds shocked and winded, like I have punched her in the stomach, taking all her air away.

"I DON'T CARE," I scream at the door, "I'm breaking the contract. Damn the consequences! Get out of my life!" There is a pause, and then I can hear Paula's high-heeled feet walk her to the door and out of my life forever. When the door closes I hear my mother approach the door quietly.

"Richard?" She calls out softly. The manic burst of energy I got when getting rid of Paula has left me feeling drained. I feel do exhausted I have to lean my body against the door.

"Please Mother, not now." I whisper at the door, and slide slowly down. When I reach the floor, I curl up into a ball and rock back and forth, hoping beyond any reason that this will take the pain away.

I must have fallen asleep, because I know that this is impossible. I am standing next to Kate, and we are at the funeral. She is up at the podium, giving her speech. God, she looks so beautiful, even on a sleepless night, her face pale and her eyes puffy. Then I see a glint of light behind a grave.

"Kate!" I dive towards her, determined to save her this time. The shot rings out and I feel a searing pain in my chest, right where my heart should be.

I saved her. That is all that goes through my head. I look down, desperate to see her beautiful face once more, but then I notice she is bleeding too. Horrified, I realize the bullet has gone not only through me, but passed through Kate as well. We are just lying there, dying in each other's arms, and there is nothing that can be done. I need to tell her I love her, with all my soul, but I cannot speak. I cannot breathe or see. I cannot feel her; all I feel is a cold hard surface. I wake up with a scream. I push myself into an upright position and look around me. I am still in my office, but it is dark outside now. The clock on my wall tells me it is 2:30 in the morning. I need to get out of this room. There are too many reminders of Kate. All the Nikki Heat novels sit on the shelf behind my desk. The promotional poster for my new book is sitting in the corner of the room. I cannot deal with this right now. I have to get out. I throw open the door, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a glint of a picture frame. I turn back to look at it. The frame holds a picture of Kate and I. We are posing in silly costumes at my annual Halloween party. God, she is so beautiful, standing there, smiling and laughing and full of life. The memory is turning to poison in my veins. The pain of remembering her is too much to take. I can't stand it; it is making my stomach turn and my head pound. I grab the picture frame and hurtle it as hard as I can to the opposite side of the room. It shatters into a million pieces on impact. I grab the Heat Rises poster and rip it in half, then quarters and jump on the pieces. I run to the bookshelf and start to rip the books from their perch, letting them fall to the floor in a clump, and then I start to kick them about, ripping pages from them and throwing them around the room.

"What is going on here?" Martha sounds shocked and scared. My 'remodeling' has not been quiet, but I don't care. Caring hurts too much and uses too much energy. I have no energy left to do anything anymore. I collapse on the ground, amongst the wage of destruction. Martha rushes to my side and tries to hug me. I want to fight her affection but my attempts are weak and pitiful.

"Richard, Honey, it's okay to let it out. You loved her…"

"No I didn't," I say dully.

"Richard, you tried to take a bullet for her, you love her." Martha tries to reason with me, but I am so far beyond reasoning. The poison of her memory burns in the veins. All I can see is red.

"I hate her, I hate her. I wish I had never met her. God, I wish she never existed!" I find myself screaming. "No! Stop!" Martha is trying her best to hug me, but I am now fighting her with everything I have left. "I hate her, I hate her, I hate her." I chant over and over again, slowly loosing energy until I can fight it no more. The sobs that I have denied my body comes out and I melt into my mother's arms.

"I hate her, I hate her," I whisper into her shoulder.

"No Richard, shh, you don't hate her. You love her, and the pain of living with it is too much to take. Sweetheart, I know." She coos softly into my ear, rubbing small circles on my back. We sit there on the floor for a long time, until it is light out. I let the tears flow, not bothering to wipe them away because I know new ones will take its place. My breakdown has drained me of energy, and all I can do is sit there and take all of the new emotions in. Alexis comes down sometime later and joins in on the hug.

"Dad, I think we should go get some flowers and go to the cemetery."

Thank you, Alexis. That is just what I need.

An hour later, I am clutching a bouquet of sunflowers and standing in front of Kate's grave. The earth is still brown; there hasn't been a chance for grass to start growing yet. Alexis and Martha are waiting at the car, they said I needed to do this alone, and they are right. I lightly place the flowers by your gravestone and just stand there. The sun is warming my face and I let the tears flow.

"Kate," I begin thickly, "Kate, I should have told you this everyday I was with you. I love you. I always have loved you and I always will love you. Man, if you were here now, you would probably kick my ass for saying this, but it is true. And I don't care how much money or dresses or shaved eyebrows that stands between you and me, but I will never stop loving you. You are my always." And with that, the words I have been longing to say since day one are said. "See you around, Kate." I blow a tender kiss to the sky and turn back to the waiting car.