The Jerome-Esmé Quagmire
Unsurprisingly, Glenn Quagmire's stint as guardian of the Quagmire triplets was short-lived. Before Quagmire could even return to Quahog, Justice Strauss had revoked Glenn's adoption over an incident involving Isadora, Duncan, a cheese grater, a bag of trail mix, a pair of naked mole rats, and a bootleg copy of Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore.
Quagmire took refuge in the bed of a new lover, a wealthy financial advisor named Esmé Squalor, whose luxurious apartment was every bit as spacious and mazelike as Quagmire expected. He went in a sexual frenzy when she arrived next to him dressed in lingerie made of raw meat.
"You think you're covered in meat now, just wait," said Quagmire. "You'll be working in Buckingham Palace tonight, because you'll be a beefeater! Giggity giggity goo!"
"Who writes your material, Al Funcoot?" asked Esmé, removing her pork panties.
Quagmire snickered. "Hey, I'm all fun coot, baby! All right!"
"Oh shit," muttered Esmé as she heard footsteps approaching her locked door.
"Knock knock," said a deep man's voice.
"Who's there?" asked Quagmire, gleefully anticipating the addition of Carmelita Spats to their rendezvous.
"Jerome," responded the voice.
Quagmire's muff-eating grin diminished entirely. "Jerome who?"
"Jerome away from fidelity to your long-suffering husband and you might not live to feel the climax, Esmé, you two-timing whore!" shouted Jerome Squalor as he burst through the door wielding a 12-foot Uzi.
"Well, this is quite the unfortunate event," said Quagmire. "Lemony Snicket knows I could use a distraction about now! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!"