How to: Annoy Your Enemies
by Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Hogwarts Headmaster, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., D. Wiz., X.J.(sorc.), S. of Mag.Q
Despite my charm, intelligence and prowess as a wizard, I confess that some people simply do not like me. It is unthinkable, confusing, and sadly the truth. We all have our rivals, no matter who we are or what we may have done, and there is only so much one can do to turn the tide in our favour. However, this doesn't mean that we are condemned to a life of gloom and dirty looks, oh goodness no. No, if we put our minds to it, our enemies can be a source of mischief anyone can enjoy, and in the end, no-one gets hurt.
My ultimate favourite – and by far the most useful – is to simply take the moral high ground. I tell you now, there are few things more rewarding than the knowledge that your principles remain intact and your point unsullied while your associate seethes in front of you. For some odd reason, being the better man can be utterly frustrating to some people. The calm smile and placating agreements are of course optional, but they draw out some beautiful facial expressions if used correctly.
Another useful method in an argument is to agree with them. Believe me, this throws the more belligerent wizard every time. A wizard may barge in ready for a blazing row, all their choice arguments ready and waiting – only for them to be drawn up short as you humbly concede their point. Forgiving them their mistakes instead of taking offence results in a similar result, and you've avoided a headache to boot.
For professional rivals or friends without a sense of humour, I would suggest changing your password to something ridiculous and/or embarrassing. I personally chose sweets: firstly, because I rather like doing it and it's fun to think up the next one*, and secondly because the reactions can be absolutely priceless. I admit it's rather juvenile, but at the end of the day listening to your enemies grind out 'Acid pop' through gritted teeth can brighten any meeting, no matter how boring or hostile. Granted, this one does depend on whether or not you have an office that requires a password, but I'm sure you can think of something.
Then again, there are some wizards who are either unwilling or unable to fall for the usual tricks. With such men, reasoning or placating or even being silly will achieve little, and for these men I recommend blocking their progress at every turn. This can range from passive-aggressive to completely hostile depending on what they're trying to do, but they despise it**. Plus, in this version you get the lucky side-effect of helping the people their schemes affect.
If all else fails, you could invent a few schemes of your own, but really, who would have the time for such a thing..?
*But be sure not to make them too long. Ridiculous is amusing, but frustrating them with a password that's near-impossible to say is going to end in a lot of grumbling when they finally get in.
**With the very stubborn ones, simply still being alive can do it. But I digress.
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