"You know, you really could be a little more gentle," said Joker, massaging his throat as he and Superman stood on the roof of a skyscraper. "I'm not saying I don't like it rough – Bats knows I do. But I don't let just anyone treat me like he does, y'know – wouldn't want him getting jealous…"
"Do you know where he is?" interrupted Superman. "This isn't some plan of yours to kidnap him, is it?"
"Did I leave you a bunch of clown-related hints in order to find him?" demanded Joker. Superman shook his head. "Then no, it ain't me," he retorted. "If I was gonna kidnap Bats, I'd do it with some style and flair. I'd have sent you superpowered freaks on a Bat Hunt – I'd announce it on TV, with a countdown sequence to the time Bats would be executed on live TV, broadcast in front of a studio audience. It would have been a reality show that had everything! Suspense! Graphic violence! And an incredibly charming and funny host! But if Bats has gone missing without a trace, it ain't me. That ain't my style. And it certainly ain't any of the other losers' style. They could no more keep kidnapping Bats a secret than they could keep themselves outta Arkham. Why are you impersonating him, anyway? You can't just move in on his turf like that because he disappeared! Is there no honor among heroes?"
"I'm impersonating him so nobody notices he's missing," snapped Superman. "Can you imagine how crime would run rampant if word got out that Batman was absent? So I have to handle his job for him, without revealing my true identity. It's really difficult. I have to constantly worry about controlling my strength – I don't normally go hand-to-hand. And I don't know how he gets places without flying."
"Oh yeah, talk about your handicaps," said Joker sarcastically, nodding. "Where would any of us be without the power of flight?"
Superman glared at him. "If you don't know where Batman is, you're of no further use to me," he snapped. "So I'll just be taking you back to Arkham now…"
"Hey, hey, hey, no need to overreact!" snapped Joker, shoving his hand off him. "I don't know where Bats is, but who's to say I couldn't be useful in helping you find him? I'd certainly like to give it a shot."
Superman stared at him. "Why?" he asked.
"Why?" repeated Joker. "You stupid or something? If Bats is gone for good, that means you take over his job full-time! And no offense, but that would be the worst thing that could ever happen. You just don't fit in with the décor in Gotham, Supey. I mean, blue spandex, red cape? You're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Plus that costume don't exactly strike fear into the hearts of criminals, y'know."
"Objectively I'd probably do a better job than Batman has," retorted Superman. "My super powers mean I could actually catch all the criminals loose in this city."
"Yeah, there's that catastrophe to consider too," said Joker, nodding. "I mean, I'd keep up the game, but a lot of the other losers would probably throw in the towel if they had to fight a superpowered foe. Buncha lamewads. Anyway, I ain't letting robots and aliens take over my city, and I know that's not what Bats wants either. So it's in our mutual interest to find him and put things back to the way they were."
Superman nodded slowly. "I guess you know Batman better than anyone else."
"I sure do!" said Joker, cheerfully. "He and I are just like that! But not in a funny way. Not like the kinda stuff people say about you and Bats, for instance, which I don't believe, by the way. He hates your guts."
"He what?" said Superman.
"Plus if he ever decided to bat for the other team, he could do a lot better than you," continued Joker. "Me, for example. I'd be flattered, really, and if the situation ever arose, I'm honestly not sure how I'd respond. I'm straight and all, but I might do it anyway, just to say I have…"
"Please stop talking," interrupted Superman, hastily. "Or I am taking you back to Arkham."
"Oooh, somebody's jealous!" chuckled Joker. "Wait until I tell Bats you've got a thing for him – he's gonna be so uncomfortable!"
"I have a girlfriend," snapped Superman.
"Well, so do I, but people do talk, y'know!" giggled Joker. "I think they see what they wanna see, buncha sick freaks. And people call me crazy! Anyway, if we wanna find Bats, we'd better start using his methods, and the first thing he always does is get all the facts. Well, the first thing he actually does is beat the crap outta someone, but we'll skip that bit. So why doncha tell me when Bats disappeared?"
"Well, Batman was against this Pacis Prime Collective from the moment they appeared…" began Superman.
"He's got a good head on his shoulders," said Joker, nodding. "Never trust an alien. No offense, Supey."
"And as they kept sending more ambassadors to earth, Batman got more and more annoyed, especially when people in authority began listening to them. You heard about the gun bonfire in Metropolis, where all the citizens piled their firearms into the square and set fire to them?"
"Yeah. You remember how the Nazis used to burn books? That's kinda how I felt about that," said Joker, nodding. "Waste of all that violent potential. A crying shame."
"I don't approve of violence," said Superman.
"Well, I don't approve of guys who wear their underwear outside their tights. So I guess we're both disappointed," said Joker, nodding at him.
"Batman's final straw was the robots," continued Superman, ignoring him. "The Pacis Prime Collective assigned a regiment of them to every major city, to help with policing. The robots had alarms built into them that could sense acts of violence within a twenty mile radius. We all thought they were a great idea. Batman didn't. He stormed from the Watchtower in a fit of temper, saying he was going to find out what the aliens' game was and expose it. I think he wanted it to be a dramatic exit, but he had to wait for the anti-gravity to kick back in, so it actually took about half an hour. But he didn't stop sulking the whole time."
"That's Bats!" chuckled Joker.
"Anyway, that's the last we saw of him," replied Superman. "He didn't give us any further details of his plan, and he didn't show up at the next Justice League meeting."
"Maybe he just had enough of hanging around you jerks," said Joker.
"No – a source close to him informed us that he hadn't returned home after leaving the Batcave one night."
"And he's not answering the Bat-phone, huh?" said Joker, thoughtfully.
"I...don't know what that is," said Superman, slowly. "But all efforts to contact him have been in vain."
Joker nodded slowly. "Right. What do you know about these aliens? Do they have any kinda base on earth?"
"No, not that we're aware of," replied Superman. "They're made of pure energy – they don't need a base here…"
"Just because they don't need them doesn't mean they don't have 'em," retorted Joker. "I have a lotta stuff I don't need. Harley, for instance," he chuckled. "Speaking of which, what do the robots do with the people they…what's the word they used…subdued?"
"They take them to the police station," replied Superman. "And the police handle them. I imagine Harley will be returned to Arkham."
"And then where do the robots go after that? Back on the street? Or do they have a base?"
"I…don't know," said Superman, slowly.
Joker smiled, gesturing to the street below them. "Let's go find out, shall we? Although if you don't mind, I'm taking the stairs."