After what felt like ten minutes of sleep the sudden sonic assault of the daily alarm and the flash of light into his pod waked Keller up. After all his years in prison Keller never quite got use to the brutal wake up call. The lights always hurt his eyes and, with out fail, the buzz always startled him. After last night's argument with himself, it made this mornings wake up harsher than normal. Keller must have lost track of time because the next sound he heard was that of Officer Murray banging on the door. "Rise and shine Sunshine." Murray barked. "Count means get off your ass and line up Keller. I thought you would have learned that by now."
"Thanks for that lovely wake up call Murray," Keller retorted. "Here we go another fucking day in Em City." Keller took his spot in line and waited for Mineo to make his rounds. After what felt like an hour Mineo finally made it around to Keller's side.
"98K514"
"Took you long enough old man."
"I'm sorry Keller. Was I cutting in to your mopping about losing your girl friend time? My deepest apologies fuck wade."
"Hey fuck you."
"Hey," Murray interrupted. "The both of you shut it up. Keller don't forget about your appointment with Sister Pete after breakfast. I don't want a repeat of the last time you blew her off."
Keller returned to his pod in order to finish waking up. The little shouting match with Mineo almost did the job but he was still a quarter asleep. "I hate fucking mornings," he muttered to himself while he was splashing water on to his face. Chris got dressed and put on the gray hoodie that he had taken from Beecher before the final fight. The fact that it was Beecher's old hoodie meant that Keller was not able to zip it all the way up. "Damn I can't get it zipped all the way up. Oh well that doesn't matter. It belonged to Toby. It even still smells like him." Keller left his pod and headed towards the cafeteria while stroking the sleeve. When he got to the cafeteria Keller just sat at the table in a daze. Keller was busy trying to remember the conversation he had with himself last night. Some of the things had set in and Keller was debating with himself whether he should tell Sister Pete during their session. He was aware that Sister Peter Marie had seen through the façade he had been building since his arrival in OZ, but he had never given her the satisfaction of breaking him. A loud buzz signaling the end of breakfast brought Keller out of internal thought and back to reality. "Damn it's Judgment Day. Better not keep Saint Peter waiting." Keller let out a little chuckle. "I bet Toby would have laughed at that. Actually I think he would have laughed at me. He never thought my stupid jokes were funny. Like he said 'Puns are the lowest form of comedy.' He always was such a smart ass."
After a short walk Keller had made it to Sister Pete's office. For a few minutes they both set in an uneasy almost awkward silence. Keller decided it was time to break the silence. "Please tell me we are going to do something more than sit in complete silence. I may only be a prisoner but I have a lot more I can do with what little free time then to sit in complete silence with some one who despises me."
"Don't start with me Keller. I know how you can be, or have you forgotten our last sessions, the ones where you did nothing but try and manipulate the situation and me. I also know you reputation for lying. I am not too sure that I will be able to get through to you, as Tobias would say, you keep your emotions locked behind steel doors. I am also wondering if we do have an emotional break through whether or not it would be genuine. I know that you like to toy with people; you did it to me last time. What is stopping you from doing it this time?"
"If you feel like this is going to be a complete waste of time then why are you even trying it in the first place?"
"I am doing this for Toby. I know it is what he would want me to do. I could never understand but for some reason he truly loved you." Keller let out a little chuckle that was a mixture of amusement and disappointment. "What is so funny Keller?"
"What you just said about not understanding why Toby loved me. I said that to myself last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Last night I had a conversation with myself. At least I think it was myself. It could have been God or the ghost of Toby. It really doesn't matter who or what it was but me/it said that too?"
"Well it looks like some part of you has some sense after all."
"If you are going to do nothing but insult me then I'm out of here." Keller said while getting out of the chair.
"Alright Keller I get your point. Sit down. Tell me more about the conversation you had last night."
"Fine," Keller said while sitting back down. "Basically I was questing how I have lived my life so far. How I use people and the emptiness that I have always felt inside. How I want to love and want to be loved but I do not allow myself to experience it. How I have barely shed a tear over it. How I miss him so much. How this is my fault. How I could have stopped him if."
Sister Pete interrupted Keller. "This is not your fault."
"But don't you see that it is. Beecher reached out in a time of need; ha had asked for my forgiveness and I just left him. If I could have just been not so stubborn I could have been there for them. I could have provided him with support in the time that he needed it the most."
What about your needs Keller? What about your feelings? He accused you of killing his child. There is no way you could have just brushed that off. The trust you spent so long trying to regain was shattered in a matter or moments. As I Nun I am supposed to tell you that forgiving is the good Christian thing to do, but as I Psychologist the way you acted was perfectly natural. You were betrayed by the one person you trusted the most. I would reacted the same way if I had been in your situation. Besides suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. As much as it pains me to say it there is no one to blame but Toby. He was the one who decided that he could not take life any more. He was the one who did not think about the pain and misery that would be left behind when he took his own life. He did not think about the lives he was destroying, yours, mine, and his families, by ending his ending his life. It is hard to do but you cannot blame yourself for something that you had no control over."
"No! It is my fault. Toby is dead because of me. If I had not been so selfish he would still be here. I could have helped him. I could have saved him from himself. He would not be gone and I would not be empty inside. Oh God Toby. Why did you do it? Why Toby?" With that Keller began to suppurate uncontrollably.
"You are all right Chris. Sh Chris it is going to be ok."
Keller felt a firm hand on his for head and slowly opened his eyes. "Toby is that you? Is it really you?
"Yeah it is me. Who else would it be? I got worried you had been rambling in your sleep all night and then you started to cry and call for me in your sleep. I got nervous for you so I decided I would try to wake you up."
"Thank God it was only a dream. I had this most disturbing dream. We had gotten in to a fight after you had found out about Gary. You had thought that I had killed him and attacked me. Then you later found out that I had nothing to do with it and you tried to apologies for it but refused to listen to you. Then you killed yourself. It seemed so real. I had never been more miserable in my life as I was in that dream."
"It is ok Chris. It was all a horrible dream. It is all over now. You know what this reminds me of something."
"What does it remind you of?"
"When you use to comfort me after my nightmares. It feels better being on the other side of the dream for once."
"Well I am glad something good came out of this ordeal. But don't get to use to it. It probably will never happen again."
"Do you have to be so macho it really is a mood killer." Almost as if was planed out right after Beecher had said that the light were turned on and a new day in EM City had started. "Well it looks like we are going to have to wait until tonight to see if you are right."