Therapy III
A/N: Updates probably won't come this fast forever. But I can't sleep due to the fact that over summer break I completely screwed up my Circadian Rhythm and now I can't seem to fix it. Flashbacks are in Italics. I am including it because someone asked to see how Maura confessed to Jane. So I'm including it. As always, thank you for your support and words. You really don't understand how happy it makes me, and how humbled I am that you guys enjoy reading this.
Anyway, enough talk. Enjoy!
As always, I do not own any characters or the show or the books. If I did, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA a lot would be different, and I wouldn't be a college student.
OH! And, Jeremy Irons was a good guess, but no.
Hints: He's British. He was recently in the news regarding a protest over the Olympics being held in Russia.
Maura stared vaguely at the plant in front of her. What the hell was it? She thought hard. She knew this. She knew a little bit about everything. It was her specialty. But for the past two days, she hadn't been able to think straight. Hell, she could barely think at all. She heard the door click, the sound of heels, felt the presence, and yet just continued to sit there, staring. Empty.
Amy Chapman looked at Maura sitting in the stiff, uncomfortable chair and automatically knew that things hadn't gone well. She hadn't necessarily expected them to go smoothly. Jane was engaged, and from what Maura and told her, it seemed Jane was either not attracted, or content denying it. It was a shame. She knew how Maura felt. She smiled sadly,
"Maura?" called quietly, the name more like a question than a statement. "Are you ready?"
Maura sighed. "Yeah. Sure." She stood and walked straight past Amy and into the office, heading straight for the chair, sitting down, and returning to her empty, gloomy stare and accompanying mood.
Amy walked into the office and shut the door gently, taking a moment before she turned to face Maura. The caramel blonde was sitting in her chair, her legs uncrossed but closed, her knees touching. Her left arm rested in her lap and her right arm was propped up on the chair arm, her chin resting on her hand. Her hazel eyes were fixed on a random point on the wall, staring at it but also looking through it, seeing everything and nothing at once. From her appearance Amy could tell Maura had been upset, and the way her usually meticulously done make up was barely there and her usually immaculate hair was in a messy bun, she could tell that Maura just didn't feel like, well, Maura. She was still wearing designer clothes and still looked as breathtaking as ever, but the jeans, boots, and tanktop/cardigan combo she wore was definitely different from her usual attire. Amy slowly went to her own chair, sitting down and taking a drink of water before setting it down and turning to Maura.
"So I take it things didn't go well?"
Maura scoffed. "I don't think it could have gone much worse."
"Has she spoken to you since?"
"Barely," she murmured. "Mostly at work. I can't blame her."
"Why? You did nothing wrong."
"I waited until she was engaged for six months to finally say something. I definitely did SOMETHING."
"You told her truth. That's all you did. She decides from here what to do with it and how to handle it."
"Well, she isn't handling it very well."
"Why don't you tell me what happened?"
"Why? So I can sit here and wallow in pity in detail?"
"No, so I know what happened with the situation. What Jane said. How you're feeling, besides obviously depressed."
Maura sighed. "Okay. Fine."
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't do this. She hadn't even gotten out of the car yet, and Maura felt like she was going to pass out and throw up all at the same time. She wasn't sure if her heart had stopped or if it were simply beating too fast to be felt. She couldn't do this. Amy could just help her cope with it while she held it in, but she just couldn't do this. She couldn't go tell Jane how she felt.
She listened to the rain as it pelted the windshield and watched as the fat drops splattered and rolled down the glass, leaving trails in their wake. She removed her hands from their vice like grip on the steering wheel and rubbed her fingers, trying to get the feeling back in them. She took a couple deep breaths before tilting her head back and resting it against the seat. She slowed her breathing and did the deep breathing exercises she did when she mediated. As she felt her blood pressure drop and her body cool from the high core temperature it had been at prior to that moment, she felt more relaxed. She finally opened her eyes and sighed deeply. Okay. She could do this.
She looked out the window and groaned.
"I would pick now. At eleven pm the same night of my therapy session. When it's pouring rain." Just then thunder cracked across the sky, a bolt of lightning chasing after it. She groaned again. "Of course," she muttered.
She quickly stepped out of her prius, thankful for the quiet running engine of the car, and shut the door. She ran across the street to Jane's apartment and buzzed, waiting for Jane to let her in. After buzzing three more times and waiting another fifteen minutes, Jane finally answered, her sleepy, raspy voice coming over the speaker.
"Who is it?"
"It's me," Maura meekly answered. "Maura."
"Hey, everything okay?"
Maura could hear the concern in Jane's voice and it warmed her heart while at the same time, breaking it.
"Uh, well, I just, can you let me in? It's pouring."
"Oh! Yeah, come on up."
Maura opened the door and quickly moved inside, running upstairs and to Jane's apartment door. She stood outside and stared at the wood, the tightness in her chest back again. She couldn't do this. She was about to vomit in the floor. She couldn't breathe. Her heart was about to explode out of her chest. Her hands were clammy. Her legs were shaking. She turned to leave just as she heard the slide, click, click, signaling Jane had unlocked the door, seconds before hearing the creak of the hinges. Maura turned back around and faced Jane, meeting the brunette's sleepy gaze. She was wearing a pair of running shorts and a tank top, her hair in a pony tail.
"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you leaving?"
"I-Jane, I need to talk to you."
Jane eyed her with suspicion. "What happened?"
"Nothing, just, please?"
"Yeah, sure, come on in."
Jane stepped to the side, letting Maura in. When the Doctor moved through the doorway, Jane placed her hand on Maura's lower back, ushering her through. Maura felt her heart soar and break at the same time, knowing that what happened in the next few minutes determined whether or not Jane ever touched her like that again, much less spoke to her. She gulped, trying to make the lump in her throat go away. She reached the kitchen island and turned, facing Jane.
The brunette took in Maura's wet hair, wet skirt, wet shirt, and felt her heart skip a beat. She caught herself looking at Maura and wanting to hug her and dry her off. The fear and worry etched into a flawless face concerned Jane more than anything, and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know what was going on, and from the looks of this, it wasn't anything good. At the very least, it was serious. Very serious.
"Maur, what's wrong?"
Maura swallowed thickly, her throat suddenly dry. She opened her mouth, only to close it again. She did that a few more times, knowing she probably looked stupid, before she shut her mouth and pursed her lips, tears creeping into her eyes. She brushed a strand of wet hair out of her face, shaking her head as she walked back towards Jane and past her, to the door.
"I shouldn't have come here," she threw over her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."
She opened the door and walked into the hallway, her steps quick as she heard Jane behind her.
"Maura! Wait!" she called, slipping on a pair of shoes and following the blonde out the door.
Maura had already made it to the stair case and was almost at the bottom when Jane got to the top. She reached the door to the outside and grabbed the handle, about to pull it open when she felt Jane gently grab her other arm, pulling gently to try and turn around. Maura stiffened, unwilling to face Jane.
"Maura?" she asked quietly, fear in her voice. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"Jane, I..I can't."
"Yes, you can. It's just me, Maur."
Maura laughed softly as a tear slid down her face. She wiped at it furiously, infuriated that she couldn't seem to stop crying.
"That's exactly the problem," she mumbled. "You're you," she said louder, looking up at Jane.
"I don't understand. Maura, what did I do?"
Maura swallowed her fear and turned and faced Jane fully, meeting her dark brown eyes. She held her head tall, shoulders back, as she closed her eyes for a moment, gathering herself. When she reopened them, Jane's gaze was still there, and she felt herself grow weak. She had to do this, and she had to look Jane in the eye when she said it. If she didn't, Jane wouldn't believe her.
"Are you happy?" she asked quietly, her voice wavering.
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said. Are you happy, Jane? With how things are?"
"I..yes, why?"
"Because I'm not."
"What's wrong? What's making you unhappy."
"You are," she answered truthfully. "Us. We are making me unhappy, Jane," she confessed softly, afraid if she spoke louder, Casey would randomly appear out of no where.
"Why? What did I do?" Jane asked, hurt evident in her voice.
Maura wiped at another tear that had managed to fall before, giving herself a second before she started talking again.
"When I look at you, do you know what I see?"
Jane shook her head.
"I see a woman who means the world to me," she said quietly.
"You mean the world to me, too, Maura."
"That's not what I mean, Jane."
"What do you mean, then? Because I don't understand," Jane pleaded with her, holding both of Maura's upper arms, squatting slightly so she was eye level with Maura.
"Jane, I can't do this anymore," she whispered, her voice almost gone. "I can't sit here and watch you with Casey and know that I haven't at least tried."
"Tried what?"
"Jane," she started," I.. You are the most important person to me. You are so intertwined with my life that even if you're just sick or off of work for the day, or working when I'm off, I can't function. At first I thought it was because you're my best friend. But soon after I realized that it's more than that. It's that when I lay down at night and you aren't at my house, I can't sleep. I have nightmares and I toss and turn and I wake up cold and on your side of the bed," she confessed. "It's because when I go out and you're not by my side at whatever dinner or charity party I'm at, I feel exposed and alone and scared. It's when you go to work and I help you get your stuff together and I realize how easy it would be to do that with you every single morning if I could," she told Jane quietly, still meeting her eyes. "It's how right now, I want nothing more than to drag you out into the rain and-" she paused, swallowing thickly, "and kiss you, because right now, I feel like words aren't enough. Jane, I love you," she whispered. "I have loved you for so long, that I can't remember what it felt like NOT to love you. Every time I tried to move on, I told myself I could do it. I could handle being just your friend and move on and be happy, but I can't. Every date, every quick fuck," she blushed at her own use of the popular term, "every thought about being happy leads back to you, because for me, happy is you." She paused to wipe her eyes and backed away from Jane who was staring at her, speechless. "I see you with Casey, and I want to be happy for you, but I can't, because I love you. Because that, that should be me," she whimpered around tears. "That should be me putting a ring on your finger and Skyping with you when I go to conferences and holding you at night and eating dinner with you in front of the TV. That should be me," she finally met Jane's eyes, "because I can guarantee you I love you more than Casey ever imagined he could."
Jane backed away, shaking her head, tears in her eyes. "Why're you saying this, Maura?"
"Because it's true."
"This isn't funny."
"IT ISN'T A JOKE!" Maura yelled, a sob slipping past her lips. "It's me telling you how I truly feel about you. And how I feel is that I love you, and I know that I care about you more than he does."
"What makes you say that? What gives you the right to tell me that Casey doesn't care about me as much as you do?" Jane snapped, anger and confusion in her eyes "Why are you saying this now that I'm engaged to him, Maura? Are you jealous that someone else gets some of me now? Are you pissed because you can't have every waking moment of my attention anymore?"
Maura clenched her jaw, fury and hurt in deep hazel. "You think that's what this about? Me being a bitch because Casey took you from me?"
"Yeah, I do."
"You're wrong," Maura dead panned, "And you know you are."
She turned on her heel and opened the door, walking out into the rain. Jane followed after her, grabbing her wrist and turning her around. Maura jerked herself free, leaning towards Jane with a rage the brunette had never seen before written across her perfect features.
"What does he know about you, Jane? Huh?" she asked. "Does he know what your hands hurt when it rains still? Or that on cold days in Winter you like frozen coffee and hot chocolate because it makes you work faster? Does he know that when you whimper in your sleep, it's because you're dreaming about Hoyt again? Does he know that you hate it when you come home and the house is entirely dark, but the TV is on? Does he know that? Does he know anything about you since you few up, Jane? You aren't fifteen anymore! And you aren't the girl he left behind the last two times he left you here alone."
"What in the hell makes you think he doesn't know any of that?"
"Because I can see it, Jane! HE looks at you and he doesn't know anything about what you've been through. He pushed you away from him until everything below the belt worked so he could screw you, then he told you he was leaving for six months and the next thing I know, I'm picking up the pieces of you he left behind, once again," she bit back. "I have sat by every single time and put you back together when he left. When he pushed you away. When he didn't want you in his life. And I'm watching you agree to marry him without your heart in it, because regardless of what you admit to me right now, I KNOW you feel something for me, too."
Maura's chest heaved as she finished her rant, the rain pounding the pavement. It was so loud she could barely hear herself think, but she knew Jane had heard her words. The brunette was staring at her, jaw clenched, eyes filled with anger.
"You don't get to do this," she said quietly.
"What?" Maura asked.
"You don't get to do this!" Jane yelled. "You don't get to run around with every John Doe in Boston for YEARS while I am RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, and then as soon as I'm engaged and happy, come to me and tell me you love me. You do NOT get to do that."
"You think that little of me? How many men do you think I actually slept with, Jane?"
"I know you've fucked enough up the upper class to cash in favors for anything you want," Jane snapped back. "What makes you think I love you, Maura?" she asked, her voice deep.
Maura glared at her, tears running down her face in the rain. She stood there for a moment before she moved forward and grabbed Jane by the neck, pulling her in and kissing her hard. It was closed mouth and hard, but it conveyed in a last ditch desperate attempt everything she felt in that moment, and everything she felt for Jane. Jane fought at first before she kissed Maura back, her resistance becoming nonexistent. Suddenly, Maura pulled away, and when she spoke, her voice was hoarse.
"If you didn't love me, you would have pushed me away," she argued. "I realize that this is hard for you. It's hard for me too, but I can't keep hiding this anymore. I love you. And I have loved you. And even after you walk down that godforsaken aisle, and marry Casey, I will still love you. I have watched you break, and rebuild yourself time and time again while Casey ran out on you time after time. There is no excuse for how he treated you. You heart isn't in it, Jane, because whether you want to admit it or not, your heart is with me."
Jane stared at Maura, crying, unsure of what to say. Maura waited until finally, she heard Jane say, "My heart isn't with you, Maura. Don't act like it's yours to protect. I can't be with you."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not gay!"
"Neither am I!"
"Then why are we having this discussion?"
"That's your best excuse?"
"It's the only one I need, Maura," Jane growled. "I'm with Casey, and when he gets back in two months, I'm marrying him."
"So that's it?" Maura asked, her voice almost gone as she fought the urge to just break down in the street.
Jane nodded. "That's it."
Maura nodded slowly, using one hand to wipe her eyes. She looked up at Jane, taking her in for a moment before she shook her head. "You'll never be happy, Jane. Not with him."
"What makes you so confident I'd be happy with you?"
"Because you already were."
Maura held Jane's stare, waiting to see what Jane would say.
"Why do you hate him so much?" Jane asked.
"I don't hate him, Jane. Just like I don't hate you. I hate what he does to you, what he did to you, and what he's still doing to you. Just like I hate the person he makes you become."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means you went from a headstrong, confident woman to a gullible, lovesick teenager as soon as he set foot back in Boston," Maura yelled. "The Jane Rizzoli I knew NEVER took things like that from anyone. She wasn't ready to get married yet, and didn't let someone try to make her settle down. You aren't you anymore, Jane. At least not the you I knew. Not the you that you were with me," she finished quietly.
"Maybe you never knew me, Maura," Jane barked, shaking her head. "I can't do this right now. I just can't. Casey isn't even home. I'm not…I can't. Bye, Maura. I'll see you at work."
Maura watched Jane turn and run back inside, the rain falling even harder now as she felt her heart crumble and break. As she turned and back to her car, she fought back tears, refusing to cry anymore until she was in the safety of her car. She ran to the other side of the street, sliding her shoes off to do so, and climbed into her car, locking it and sitting in the dark, collecting herself.
Jane Rizzoli had just utterly broken her heart, and as much as that hurt, something Jane said kept ringing through her head as she cranked her car and drove off.
Amy watched Maura, seeing the tears that were present now on her pale cheeks. She watched the blonde reach up and wipe them away, shaking her head angrily.
"What is it she said that you think is important?"
"She said I didn't get to do that now that she's engaged," Maura recalled quietly. "She said that she had been right next to me all along."
"Was she?"
Maura remained silent for a moment, as she realized the answer was, "Yes. She was."
Amy stayed silent, allowing Maura to collect herself, giving the woman a moment.
"Maybe not all hope is lost, Maura."
"I'm pretty sure it is."
"I want you to talk to her," Amy told her.
Maura's eyes shot up to meet Amy's. They were wide and full of fear and shock.
"You want me to WHAT?"
"Talk to her. I want you to apologize for how you went about it and some of the things you said."
"Why should I apologize?"
"You honestly don't feel slightly bad for some of what you said?"
"I do," Maura agreed quietly. "But it was all true."
"It may very well be. But apologize to her. Tell her you just wanted her to know how you felt. Then I want you to wait. Jane may feel something for you she is just too afraid to confront right now. Until she does, you have to just wait. I know it isn't fair, but you can't force her to accept things at your pace. If she doesn't feel anything for you, then she will apologize and you guys can start building back to your friendship."
"I don't think I have one to build back to."
"You do. You just have to give it time."
"They get married in two months."
"Then I guess in two months, we'll see."
Maura sighed, wiping her eyes with a Kleenex. "Okay."
"What else is on your mind, Doctor?"
Maura shook her head. "Nothing," she mumbled. "Just Jane."
A/N 2: Please don't kill me. I just feel like everything would take time. As much as I'm angry about how Jane keeps choosing Casey , even when he treats her like poop, Maura did date and sleep around. Jane was there and single for a while and Maura did nothing. Both of them are responsible. I said this wouldn't be a jump right into Rizzles thing, but trust me, it won't be the slowest burn to it either.
I would also like to send prayers to the cast and crew as well as the family and friends of Lee Thompson Young. I know we all are dealing with this right now, or we're trying to, but just remember that we don't know what demons he faced. Those who smile the brightest are often those who hurt the most. You're all in my thoughts and prayers. We'll miss you, Lee Thompson! You were a talent taken from us much too soon.