Chapter Three: Yesterday's Titans
The Titans—seven of them—sprawled around the operations center on the long sofas, relaxing. Robin was telling the alternate Titans about their situation.
"…and so we went up to the roof and you jumped us. And, uh, sorry for spoiling your surprise, Raven. Um, future Raven, I mean," he finished. The white-cloaked Raven shrugged.
"It's all right, past Robin," she said. The team was silent for a moment. Then, Future Robin burst out.
"My costume used to be like that?"
Robin frowned at him. "What's wrong with it? It's high-density polymerized titanium. Nice and snug, and stylish, too."
White Raven, Starfire, and Beast Boy broke into gales of laughter. Future Robin shook his head, shamefaced. Cyborg said, "That went out of use… and style… years ago."
"What? But I only designed it two years ago!"
"How…" Cyborg began. "Yeah, alternate timelines. How far ahead are we?"
"How do we even know that the same events happened in our timeline?" future Robin said.
"Look, dude. We're here, they know the layout of the Tower, and we know all the same people. The odds against that are so bad we might as well have the same things happen and just be a couple years ahead," Beast Boy said.
"That is one of the most… stupid things I've ever heard," said the white-cloaked Raven. "But seriously, tell us about your timeline, Robin."
He did, expounding at length about their formation, Batman, Slade, and recent events.
"It's basically the same history," future Robin said. "Those events you mentioned happened about, oh, five years ago to us."
"So how's the future?" the younger Robin said.
"For one, you've never given up on saying 'Titans! Go!' or something like it," white Raven said.
"Shut up," said Future Robin. Beast Boy took a deep breath.
"We fought this creepy dude called Brother Blood, Cyborg got a new weapon and a girlfriend…"
"Don't listen to him, he's a liar," Cyborg said. "We're just friends."
Both Ravens rolled their eyes. Starfire looked puzzled.
"Then why do you express your affection to her so often?"
"Cyborg's just being a grouchy old half-robot," the future Robin said. "Go on, BB."
"Robin and Starfire have been disgusting and obvious, but it still took them about three years to get serious…"
"I have not been disgusting," Starfire said. "I have been like Cyborg. Expressing my affection."
"What about last Valentine's Day?" Beast Boy asked. Seeing the blank expressions on the past Raven and Robin's faces, he continued. "It went something like this…"
Beast Boy scanned around the corner, as an ant. A loud noise outside had awakened him from a dream involving Terra, milkshakes, and honey, and he was worried by it. If it was loud enough to wake him up from that…
At the other end of the hall, Cyborg opened his door. Beast Boy tapped against the wall to get his attention, and Cyborg looked down.
"Hey, BB. Did you hear…"
The noise sounded again. "Electronic screwdriver," Cyborg said. He and Beast Boy rushed outside.
They found Starfire, hovering outside the ninth floor, somehow using a screwdriver to nail a stack of metal plates to the windows. She took a sledgehammer and whacked the nails in further. Cyborg glanced at Beast Boy, worried. Then, Starfire's eyes glowed green, and her eyebeams began carving an image.
Beast Boy, in pterodactyl form, carrying Cyborg, hovered outside at a safe distance for a while, until Starfire was done her intricate carvings and flew off. Then he moved in for a closer look. Both he and Cyborg gasped.
"Is that…"
"Did they actually…"
At that moment, Raven appeared, flying off the roof and joining them. Beast Boy noticed she was slightly blushing, looking at the picture Starfire had made.
"Wow," she said. "I didn't know Robin was so…"
"Robin what?" Beast Boy asked.
"Just look for yourself," Raven said, pointing to a corner of the image. Beast Boy paled.
"Too much information!" he yelped, retching. But then he heard bumping, cursing, and dashing footsteps. Seemed like Starfire must have told Robin—
Far below, on the ground floor, Robin slammed open the doors and raced out. The plates were visible—and legible—even from that distance. As was Robin's brilliantly lit face. Beast Boy's first thought was that he'd eaten a tube of lipstick, but no, it was just his blush.
"Starfire!" he yelled—but not in the heroic way he usually did. Starfire popped out of the front door and flew towards him with a delighted expression.
"Robin, on my planet, the carving of a mural expresses the desire to initiate a mating—"
"Oh, no," the young Robin said, rocking back and forth. "Starfire, please tell me you didn't…"
Starfire shrugged. "I didn't know," she said. "Why are humans so skittish about their sexual acts?"
Raven leaned over to the blushing Robin. "I don't buy it," she said. "How do you fit in the spandex if—"
"Shut up, Raven."
At this, Cyborg burst out laughing. Beast Boy swooped down to the ground, as there wasn't much point in being discreet, transformed into his normal body, and joined in the chorus of laughter. Raven followed—and even her face was unusually mirthful.
Robin shot a glare at all of them that seemed to physically hurt. "Starfire!"
"Is this depiction of us not enjoyable?" she beamed.
"Star… fire!"
"Is your repeating my name an indication of your pleasure?"
Robin sputtered.
"Glorious!" Starfire said, and grabbed him by the hand. "In that case, let us begin!"
Robin looked as if his head was about to explode in a cloud of fury and brains, but Starfire was tugging him along energetically, and he seemed to have no idea of it. Beast Boy's eyes widened and he wondered if he should go into town for lunch.
"Starfire! I'm not… I mean, I am… but don't… you…" The Robin from Raven's time collapsed into a quivering mess.
"So, the picture really was…" Raven asked. White Raven and Starfire looked at each other and laughed.
"You are not telling her that," both Robins said. "Especially if…" the young Robin added. Beast Boy kept going, heedless.
"…of Robin sitting down, with Starfire…"
The older Robin leapt up and circled Beast Boy in a blur. When he sat down again, Beast Boy's mouth was duct taped shut, and his indignant protests were muffled.
"That was the only time! I never…" Starfire said. The white-cloaked Raven interrupted.
"Except the Tamaranean hamburgers, and the noodle incident, and the romantic mass cult sacrifice. They're recent, too. That painting was just last year. Three months ago, she dragged us all to a cereal restaurant, and they played that annoying jingle that's been around for five years."
Beast Boy's eyes lit up and he took a deep breath, presumably to burst into song. Cyborg kicked him and he desisted.
"Two and a half weeks ago," the future Raven said, "Starfire stopped in the middle of pummeling Gizmo into the ground to ask Robin to…"
"Quiet," Starfire said, glaring at the older Raven. She laughed lightly. Raven stared at herself in horror, and snuck glances around the room to see what had exploded. White-cloaked Raven seemed confused for a moment, then realized.
"My—well, our—powers are less trigger-happy now. We managed to deal with Trigon. It's still dangerous, but I can cope a lot better."
"We?" Raven said, alarmed. This was a private matter.
"It wasn't so bad," said the future Raven said, nonchalantly—and no matter whether or not this was her, Raven wanted to yell at her. It wasn't so bad? It's every day's constant danger! But, of course, since she did have to control her emotions, she didn't do that.
"It was a good team-building experience."
Raven limited herself to raising an eyebrow.
"Someone explain," said her counterpart. The future Robin started to speak. "It was about three years ago…"
"Is it not cold tonight?" Starfire asked. Robin grunted and struggled with the appliances.
"On Tamaran, we used body heat to maintain an adequate temperature during particularly cold nights," Starfire said. Robin struggled some more. Finally, the top of the can popped off. Robin poured the Spaghetti-Os into a bowl and put it in the microwave, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
"Sorry, Star, were you saying something?"
Starfire grumbled a bit. Then, Raven swooped into the kitchen, cape and hood obscuring her.
"It seems to have just become colder still, Robin," Starfire said. Raven turned and looked at her, a red glow coming from her eyes. Starfire shut up. Raven got a package of herbal tea out and ripped it open, spilling tea leaves over the counter. She didn't seem to notice or care.
"Raven? You feeling all right?" Robin asked.
Raven looked up. As she met his gaze, he saw a flash of a deep, haunted expression… and of course, the red eyes. She struggled with an answer.
"Mostly," she finally allowed. Robin walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She shied away from his touch.
"If there's something you need to talk about, I'm…"
Starfire coughed for about a minute. It sounded strangely like 'Robin do not do the messing with anyone else,' but who could tell?
"I'm…going to… the mall. But Starfire's always available," Robin finished, deciding to forgo grammatical accuracy. Raven looked at him and swept away without responding.
"I was not that mean," the white-cloaked Raven said, looking indignantly at her time's Robin. "And anyway, I was preoccupied."
"And I had the itch in my throat!" Starfire said, lapsing into old patterns. "I was not hinting!"
The past Raven rolled her eyes. "Continue."
"I'll tell this part, thanks," said the white Raven.
Raven collapsed into her room, closing her eyes. It had taken a great effort to get upstairs without screaming. She sat, trembling.
Trigon had found a more effective attack. She'd felt her powers draining more energy when she'd exercised them recently. She'd attributed it to stress and lack of concentration, but really the tainted Rage emotion was siphoning her power into him. Now, however, he was pouring the power into her and flooding her.
The end result was that the slightest excitement of emotion set off the greatest avalanches. Keeping it under control was torture.
("What else is new?" Raven asked.
"Shush. It's a lot better now," White Raven said. Beast Boy winked at her and she blushed. Raven rolled her eyes, but then stopped midway. Blushed? Beast Boy? I hope this isn't going where I think it is, she thought.)
Raven sat on the roof trying to meditate, but the very wind seemed a distraction. The birds, the water, the sun… She couldn't concentrate. Still, she tried, and nothing was exploding.
Beast Boy emerged, running and panting. Raven frantically tried to filter him out of her consciousness.
("I guess I just overcame you with my coolness," said the real Beast Boy.
Both Ravens told him to shut up.)
Cyborg blasted onto the roof after him.
"Stank-ball!"he yelled, lobbing a glob of… something at Beast Boy, who gasped and transformed into an ant. The ball flew through where Beast Boy had just been and impacted.
On Raven, of course. Time froze.
"Eheheh…" Beast Boy laughed. "Now, Raven, you don't want to go doing anything you'll regret, right?"
She yelled a high-pitched, infuriated scream and let go of everything.
The roof of the Tower rippled in dark energy. Cyborg and Beast Boy were encased in it and hurled off the roof. Raven channeled the energy to everywhere, through anywhere.
Robin and Starfire dashed up to the roof. The small part of Raven's mind that was still objective wondered why they looked disheveled.
("Because I was training!" the future Robin exclaimed.
But Starfire frowned. "I thought that we were—"
"Can we get on with the story?" asked the present Robin, a little bit red himself.)
"Die!" Raven yelled, in unfamiliar reverberating tones. "Suffer! All of you! Trigon has come for this world!"
"Sorry, but it's occupied," Robin said. Beast Boy in pterodactyl form, carrying Cyborg, emerged and hovered off the edge of the roof.
"Please, Raven, why do you call yourself Trigon?" Starfire asked.
The demon was put off.
"Well, it's traditional to occupy the—Never mind that. Revel in your death, Titans!"
The demon's body arose from Raven, and she fell, unconscious. Beast Boy dropped Cyborg…
("And not very lightly," Cyborg said. "I still have dents from that."
Both Ravens rolled their eyes. "You haven't fixed dents from two years ago?"
"They're in a place too awkward to operate on," Cyborg said. Beast Boy turned lime green.
"Go… go on, Rave," he said.)
Beast Boy swooped under Trigon, grabbing Raven out from under the demon. Starfire blasted him with starbolts, to little effect.
"Do you not find it inconvenient that whenever we come up against a serious villain, starbolts either miss or have little effect?" Starfire asked.
"Look, can I tell my story or not?" asked future Raven.
"How do you know this story anyway?" the Robin from the past asked. "You said you were unconscious."
Raven paused.
"Uh… soul self."
"Uh-huh," Robin said, an eyebrow raised. She scowled. Past Raven braced for an explosion that never came. Instead, Robin began lifting off the floor, choking and wide-eyed.
"I find your lack of faith… disturbing," white-cloaked Raven said.
"Enough of this! Raven! Release him," said Starfire.
"As you wish," said the white Raven, doing so. Robin gasped for breath, glowering at white-Raven.
"This bickering is pointless," the Tamaranean continued.
"Just like th…" past Raven started. Starfire's eyes glowed and Raven decided her (pithy, she thought) comment wasn't worth the risk of being incinerated.
"Our Raven will provide us with our story," Starfire said. Robin chuckled. Raven wondered when Starfire had learned to sound threatening.
"All right," said the white Raven. "So where were we? They got handily beaten by Trigon, and retreated…"
The Titans were inside, listening to Trigon destroying the sixth floor.
"Well," Robin said. "We can reassemble, regroup and attack again with a better plan. If we can find out more about Trigon's capabilities, we should…"
He looked around at the assembled group. Starfire was examining Raven, still knocked out. Beast Boy was on the other side of Raven. So was Cyborg… wait!
"Is anyone listening to me?" he asked.
No one responded. Robin grumbled.
"She is not awakening," said Starfire finally. "It must be a healing trance. In the meantime, I believe Robin was saying something."
The other Titans turned to Robin. He sulked in a corner.
"Hey, Rob!" Cyborg said. "We're listening."
"Huh? Oh, good. So…"
He ranted. The other Titans, one by one, tuned him out. Eventually, Starfire asked.
"By Mamarand'r's grebnacks, what are you speaking of, Robin?"
"She still hasn't told me what that means," said the future Robin. The white-cloaked Raven shot a death glare at him and he quieted.
"So Robin was babbling…"
"…a useful formation to attack larger targets!"
Beast Boy yawned. "Useful."
"Have you been listening?" said the leader of the Titans.
"No," the others chorused.
"I've been telling you about our battle plan," Robin said.
Before he could continue, the ceiling smashed in and Trigon dropped in. He stumbled, winced, and cursed, mumbling "Stupid overhangs." Then, he saw the Titans.
"My… cunning plan to search you out has succeeded!" he boomed.
Pause.
"You fell down, didn't you?" Robin asked.
"Silence, mortal fool, and fight!"
They fought again, yet nothing impeded him; in fact, he looked empowered.
("So naturally, you kept blasting him," past Raven smirked. Starfire's eyes flashed green and Raven quieted.)
Robin's mind raced.
"That's it. None of our attacks has worked, and he keeps enticing us to attack him. What if instead…"
"Yo, Robin! We can't get this guy down! Any ideas?" Cyborg shouted.
"Stop attacking him!" Robin yelled. "Starfire, can you create a shield for us from your energy?"
"Perhaps, Robin…"
"And Cy, bolster it with your sonic cannon."
"That's iffy, but…"
"Ah, it'll work… I have this feeling," said Robin.
The past Raven smirked. "It's a little bit funny… this feeling inside… Is Robin becoming a Big Boy Wonder?"
Starfire started charging her eyebeams but thought better of it. Instead, she got a devious expression. "Oh, Raven. You don't know how big. The other night, we were in…"
Raven paled. "Uh… why doesn't your Raven go on with the story now?"
Starfire was now the one smirking. Triumphantly. It was an odd sight.
"As if something is desperately trying to end itself, but can't without an arbitrary plan," Robin said. "Beast Boy and I'll hold him off while you make the bubble shield. Around Raven, too. Titans—go!"
Starfire held her arms up and created a sphere of green energy around Cyborg, her, and Raven, expanding it slowly. Too slowly, maybe, Cyborg thought. Trigon was overwhelming Beast Boy and Robin.
"Rob! You better get in here fast!" he yelled, adjusting his arm cannon and firing into the shield. Robin threw one last electric disk at Trigon and jumped into the bubble; Beast Boy leapt in after him, and it closed.
"Yeah, and then we waited there for hours and I had to use the bathroom and..."
Beast Boy whined for a few minutes. Raven cut him off.
"So after a couple of hours, I woke up from my trance."
"Uhh…" Raven looked around. She was surrounded by a patchy green bubble that someone was pounding on. Beast Boy appeared at her side.
"All right there, Rae?" he said. She nodded.
Inside the bubble, it was quiet. She propped herself up. Robin saw her.
"Good, Raven, you're awake. Star's been getting tired." The Titans gathered around her.
"So, Rae, is this really your dad? Because it would explain a lot," Beast Boy said. Raven glared at him. The other Titans winced and looked away. Raven dragged Beast Boy over and talked in a low tone.
"It's not funny, Beast Boy."
"Uh… sorry, Rae. I was just trying to cheer you up a little. You look…"
The corners of her mouth quirked up.
"What? Intelligent? Depressed? Beautiful?"
"Yeah, exac… wait, I mean, no, I mean, yes, but no, but…" Cyborg's hand clamped down on his shoulder and steered him away.
"Anyway," he said. "Tell us about Trigon, Raven."
"So I did," the alternate Raven said. "He was an extradimensional creation, the product of a god and a mortal's negative essence."
Beast Boy's eyes glazed over.
"He was a demon."
"Oh."
"Anyway," Raven said.
"…and then he took over his universe."
Silence.
"Okay," Robin said. "I guess we…"
"Are dead like the Wicked Witch of the West," Beast Boy supplied. Starfire's eyes lit up.
"Was this witch not killed by the dumping of a water bucket?"
"Uh… yeah…"
"Then I have an idea!"
The Titans exchanged glances worriedly.
"All right, Star. I guess it can't hurt. You do that while we hold him off," Robin said.
"I will require assistance," she said. "Beast Boy, come with me."
"She removed the bubble and flew downstairs with BB. We held Trigon off pretty well, considering," said Raven. "Meanwhile, downstairs…"
Starfire left the kitchen, calling to Beast Boy, "Mix the ingredients well!"
Beast Boy popped his head in. "I did! I did twenty minutes ago! Since then I've just been making tofu. What're you doing with all these peppers anyway?"
Starfire was down the hall and didn't hear him. "Oh well," he said, walking into the kitchen. Water was running through a filter in the sink. A bucket of... salsa lay on the counter. Beast Boy's expression turned conspiratorial.
"I have the best idea!" he said. He ran into the other room, took his tofu, and stirred it into the salsa carefully.
Robin and Raven looked at each other, horrified.
"Tofu salsa?"
"It wasn't supposed to be salsa," said Starfire. "You see…"
"Beast Boy! I must have those spices now!"
"Geez, all right," he said. He appeared and brought them to her, then left again. Starfire mixed the spices into her concoction on the counter and hit the filtered water from the sink with a single light starbolt. It sizzled. She grinned and poured the water into the holy Margthlorp.
"Holy what, Bat…" Robin began. Then he shook himself. "Sorry, force of habit. Holy what, Starfire?"
"Margthlorp. What you could call… Tamaranean… holy water," Starfire said.
"And," Beast Boy added, "It looks like salsa."
Starfire flew with the bucket up to the battlefront.
"Friends! Attack him with all your might and I will finish him!"
"With what?" asked Raven.
"Margthlorp."
No one understood.
"Please, friends, attack him while I ready myself!"
"This is not going to work," said Raven. She, Robin, and Cyborg attacked anyway.
("Beast Boy was still in the kitchen making tofu," said Cyborg.
"Figures," said Robin.)
Throwing all their powers behind the attack, they knocked Trigon down, and Starfire drew intricate diagrams with the fluid around Trigon's body. They had no effect, though, and the alien girl was infuriated.
"Why do you not lose, red one? Eat Margthlorp!" She grabbed the bucket and dumped it on Trigon.
Beast Boy dashed up the stairs. "Star! Star, where's my tofu salsa?"
"I am busy, Beast Boy!"
"Dude, forget Trigon! Where's my tofu salsa?"
"Your what?" Raven asked.
"Tofu salsa!"
"That is possibly the worst idea I've ever heard."
"Ah, you're just… uh…"
"What? Jealous?"
"Yeah!" shouted Beast Boy. "Everyone's a critic."
"Well, if I'm right, Starfire just dumped your precious salsa on Trigon."
"What?" Beast Boy spun around, hatred in his eyes.
"What Raven means is that Trigon knocked your tofu salsa onto himself by accident," Starfire cut in. Beast Boy whirled towards the demon on the ground.
"You monster! First you take Terra…"
"He didn't…" Robin started.
"…then you take my rubber ducky…"
"And I thought I was attached to my toys," Cyborg said.
"…and now my tofu salsa?"
"Uh, Beast Boy?" Robin said. "That salsa of yours seems to be working." He was resoundingly ignored.
Beast Boy's body rippled and bulged. There was an awful tearing noise, then he mutated into a giant dragon. He looked down at Trigon, who was… cringing. Beast Boy took a deep breath, and fire shot out his nostrils towards Trigon.
"That hurt," he mumbled. "Oh well." He inhaled again and blasted the crouching demon over and over…
"Beast Boy! I think his goose is pretty well… cooked." Zing! Robin thought.
Indeed, Trigon was shrinking and charred. He opened his eyes, horrified.
"My regeneration! I've… I've fallen and I can't get up!"
("You're joking," said Robin.
"Maybe exaggerating a little," said the older Raven. "Deal with it.")
"You fools, you have doomed us all!" yelled Trigon. "If I die, I will take you with me! Yet why can I not absorb your hatred and feed myself?"
"I thought you were corny, Robin," Cyborg said.
"It must be this vile, spicily bland substance! It's… salsa? Tofu salsa!"
"And you wanted to eat it," Raven said.
"I'll be back. I'll be back!" yelled the red entity, starting to burn. Raven chanted and a black sphere formed around the dwindling demon. Trigon looked up, dismayed.
"I can't even explode and kill you in death? You're no daughter of mine."
"Thank Azar for that," Raven said.
"That was kind of anticlimactic," past Robin said.
"Not every story's an epic," said future Raven.
Beast Boy stood. "Now, Rae, for real this time—happy birthday!" He brought her his purple box and embraced her. She hugged him back.
She what? … *I* what? Past Raven was mortified. The white-cloaked Raven saw her, and understood. She got up and hugged her tightly. Raven stiffened.
"Uh, Starfire said that in the future, I wore a white cloak and I was crazy," she said. "I can see what she meant. Why are you hugging me?"
White-cloaked Raven shifted her eyes to the side. The other future Titans got up and approached Raven.
"Why? Well… so you don't kill yourself when I tell you that Beast Boy and I—"
"Don't… say it," said past Raven, filled with foreboding.
"The story's way too long to tell, and my throat's already tired. Maybe I'll tell you the full story later on, if you ask enough. Let's just leave it at, we had a whole bunch of adventures together, and I appreciated him always being there, so I could beat the crap out of him. In the end, Beast Boy and I—"
"I refuse to believe this," said the past Raven.
"Beast Boy…"
"Is Beast Man!" Beast Boy leapt onto a table and did a jig. The two Ravens watched, one in horror and the other in quiet amusement. Objects began exploding in a frenzy of black energy. The other Titans eyed them warily.
"Uh… I guess that was a mistake," Beast Boy said, sheepish. Literally sheepish.
Past Raven shook her head.
"You're joking… distasteful as that idea is."
"Well, he's really not such a bad guy. And his jokes are funny."
Raven stared. The slight whir of the heating was the only sound for a minute. I don't think I can handle any more of this.
Beast Boy grinned. "And don't forget, I invented tofu salsa, the greatest thing since Edison invented sliced bread on December 7, 1941!"
The white-cloaked Raven … giggled.
Raven silently screamed. Robin's mind boggled. They turned as one and fled the room. Raven desperately hoped for some way, any way, to get out of this screwed-up dimension. As if in response, a black portal opened in a swirl right in front of her. The two fleeing Titans stopped.
"Yeah… as a rule, I don't go in strange, randomly opening portals," Raven said.
Beast Boy appeared in the doorway. Raven looked around for an escape and found none. The future Raven tried once more.
"I was surprised too, but tofu salsa is good. We went out on a date last night…"
Raven panicked. "Don't tell me! I don't want to know!"
Beast Boy waved a bag of chips and some disgusting-looking white stuff at her.
"You know you want to try it!" he wheedled. Raven grimaced and muttered inappropriate comments. She felt herself on the verge of bursting out with nonsensical shouting. Instead, she added another to her mental litany of things to get revenge on for these stupid, stupid travels. Hm… Warp, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Robin, Azar, Trigon, Robin again, Starfire, sanity, and now, tofu.
"Whatcha thinking, Raven?" Beast Boy asked.
"Starfire, sanity, and now… tofu!" she hissed.
"You want it? Great! Here, have some." Beast Boy came towards her. She whipped up her head and yelled something random at Beast Boy.
"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens!" The Titans stopped, amazed, and approached Raven, concerned for her sanity.
Raven was concerned about her sanity, too, but she put it aside as a matter for another time. For now, she'd take action.
She enveloped all the future Titans in black energy, but felt a resistance coming from them that threatened to break her control. She expended all the power she could, but felt herself weakening, and her eyes moved to the black portal.
"The exception makes the rule," she muttered, and turned and pulled Robin in.