"You should have seen it, baby!" exclaimed Joker, laughing as Harley made him a cup of hot chocolate on their return to their hideout. "One great, big, giant explosion lighting up the night sky like a Christmas tree! Aw, it was beautiful! And I actually got to enjoy it for once – y'know, normally I'm either running from or getting punched up by the Bat, but like I said, he didn't show, so I really got to savor the fireworks this time."
Harley had been smiling at seeing him so happy, but her smile fell again. "Yeah. Wonder why he didn't turn up, Mr. J," she murmured.
"Who knows? Maybe he decided he'd take a night off from the whole Batman thing. He certainly deserves it, he works so hard all the time. Gotta admire his dedication if nothing else. The guy really pours his whole heart and soul into this superhero gig. Imagine being that obsessed with something – no wonder he's crazy."
He chuckled. Harley didn't, placing down the mug of cocoa in front of him. "He's a true artist, though, Bats," continued Joker, pinching her cheek affectionately as he drank. "I just adore watching him work, even when I'm on the receiving end of the violence. The way he just hurts people effortlessly – he makes it look so easy and so good! You gotta respect that, pooh, even if you don't respect why he does it."
"Sure, Mr. J," murmured Harley, feeling her own bruises stinging. She gazed at him tenderly, knowing she could never tell him the truth about her injuries. It would break Mr. J's heart to think about Bats as a common thug. She could never hurt him that much. Better that she just suffer in silence and hide them as best she could until they healed, and never mention it.
She resolved to do just that, but she really was in a lot of pain, so bending down to kiss him, she murmured, "Just gonna go get a bath, puddin'."
"Hmm? Oh yeah, fine," he retorted, reaching for the newspaper. "Aw, and I made the front page and everything!" he chuckled. "Thank you, Bats!"
Harley left him laughing to himself, feeling tears come to her eyes. She entered the bathroom and filled the tub with water. Then she stripped off her clothes and sank slowly into the bath, wincing as the hot water covered her numerous bruises. None of Mr. J's beatings had ever hurt this much. She hoped Bats didn't show up and try to bust them, because she wouldn't be very good in a fight against him. And she was in no mood to see him anyway.
She looked down at her body, which she thought rather glumly resembled a dalmatian, with all the big black spots. The thought would normally have amused her, but she was in too much pain to appreciate the joke. And it wasn't the good kinda pain, the kinda pain she had after a night of violent passion with Mr. J. It was just unpleasant and horrible, and she just wanted it to stop.
The door to the bathroom opened. "Just thought the hair could use some more brylcreem, pooh…" began Joker, but he stopped and stared at her in shock. Harley's arms instinctively went to cover herself, but he slowly approached her and drew her arms away, stunned as he glanced at her damaged body.
"These ain't mine," he murmured, running a finger gently along her bruises.
Harley shook her head. "Who did this to you?" he whispered.
Tears came to Harley's eyes. She should lie to him. She should say no one, that she had fallen down the stairs or something. But she had never been able to lie to him, not when he looked at her with those beautiful eyes, demanding the truth. "Bats," she murmured.
He struck her sharply across the face. "Don't you lie to me, you little brat!" he shouted. "Why would Bats do something like that to you?!"
"He thought he could make me tell him where you and the bomb were," murmured Harley, her tears falling. "But I didn't tell him. Mr. J. I would never squeal on you like that."
He stared at her in astonishment. "You telling the truth?" he whispered.
She nodded. "He gave you that shiner too?" murmured Joker, pointing.
She nodded again, and sobbed. He stared at her, his jaw tightening. Then he turned and stormed from the room. "Puddin', where you going? Puddin'? Puddin'!" cried Harley, struggling out of the bath and throwing on her robe. She rushed after him down the hall. "Puddin'…" she began, but he whirled around, seizing her wrist and making her gasp in pain.
"He don't damage my property!" shouted Joker at her, angrily. "Nobody damages my property but me, you hear me?!"
He struck her across the face again, and then began beating her furiously. "This is my right!" he shouted. "Mine! Only mine! These are my bruises, you get that, you dumb bitch?! Bats don't have the right to hurt you the way I do! You understand me?!"
"Yeah, puddin'," gasped Harley, in agony. "I didn't want him to…I didn't…I...it hurts so much, baby!"
He stopped beating her immediately, dropping down to his knees and cradling her in his arms. "Aw, baby," he whispered, embracing her tenderly and planting gentle kisses on her face. "Baby, baby, baby. Don't cry. C'mon, pooh, it's ok. You're safe now. Safe home with Daddy. And he ain't gonna let that horrible, mean, old nasty Bat touch a hair on your pretty head. Not ever again."
"Oh, puddin'…" breathed Harley, putting her arms around his neck and clutching him, her eyes shut tightly and spilling tears. "Puddin'…"
He kissed her softly. "Shh, baby," he murmured, picking her up gently. "Don't speak. You've been through hell, kid. But it's over now. And don't you worry. We'll make Bats go through hell too. He thinks it's really funny to beat up my Harley girl, but I ain't laughing. And when I ain't laughing, bad things happen, pooh. Real bad things."
Harley gazed up at him in adoration. "Oh, Mr. J," she whispered. "I love you."
He kissed her again and carried her into the bedroom. "Got a joke for you, kiddo," he murmured, grinning as he climbed on top of her. "Stop me if you've heard this one."
"Go on, Mr. J," whispered Harley, raising herself to meet his body and his kisses.
"What's black and red and bloody?"
"Me, Mr. J," replied Harley, beaming.
He chuckled. "Yeah. But what else?"
She thought. "Dead Bat?"
He giggled, kissing her again. "Not just a dead Bat, pooh bear. But everyone close to the Bat, too. Everything he cares about in the world, in a big, bloody, battered pulp!"
He laughed hysterically, and Harley shut her eyes in delight as she pulled him down to her. It was a great joke. She couldn't wait to see the punchline.