Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns New Moon.

Louder, louder the voices in my head

Whispers taunting, all the things you said

Faster the days go by and I'm still

Stuck in this moment of wanting you here

"Haunted" ~ Kelly Clarkson

OCTOBER

Each day was like the last. Excruciating, agonizing misery.

Thirty days had passed since I had left Bella behind. I'd been arrogant in believing that I could do this.

I'd assumed that I had been prepared for the mind-numbing solitude that would haunt me each and every day for the rest of my existence. I'd lived through it once before – I'd rebelled soon after my creation, leaving Carlisle behind and severing all ties with the only people on the planet who cared about me. But after ten years, I found myself missing the companionship and home that Carlisle and Esme offered, and I'd returned home like the prodigal son. They accepted me, of course. With no questions asked, I had been granted forgiveness.

Bella would not be so merciful, nor should she be. And that realization is the only thing that kept me away from her window.

I had struggled this past month, trying to distance myself from my family and from Bella, hoping thousands of miles between us would somehow strengthen my resolve to do the right thing. With each footstep, I only became more wavering in my decision.

How was I to spend the rest of my life without her if I couldn't even make it thirty days?

You can't survive without her.

Alice's words weaved themselves into my psyche – taunting and accusing. I could see my sister's face in my mind. Her eyes scrunched; her mouth pouting. Telling me she told me so.

When my subconscious Alice was finished condemning me, another pair of beautiful eyes – the only eyes that mattered in the world – would flood my mind and continue my torture. Bella's eyes – once filled with love and true acceptance – now glared at me with such hatred that, on more than one occasion, it had caused me to stop in my tracks and curl into a fetal position, giving her silent permission to enact her punishment. Her voice was always cold and calculated, blaming me for breaking her heart and destroying her future. I never defended myself. I never begged for her mercy. I knew I had no right to do so. I was so out of mind with lunacy that I was truly satisfied just to hear the sound of her voice. So I let it assault me.

I'd refused to hunt since my self-imposed exile. I knew Carlisle was right. Excessive hunger could cause our kind to become unhinged over time. I had been deranged since the moment I left Bella behind in those dark, cold woods. Insanity was part of my penance. I would accept it gladly as a constant reminder of what I had left behind.

Foolishly believing that a new continent would make a difference, I found myself in England. Our family had many homes throughout the world, and the castle in Somerset was just one of many. We had lived here just prior to our move to Alaska – the move that would eventually lead us to Forks. The castle had been deserted since our departure, but our family tended to revisit old stomping grounds whenever a bit of anonymity was necessary. I'm sure they will return here someday.

Aching for some tangible proof that I'd once had a family, I staggered to the castle's entrance. Somehow, I'd had enough foresight to carry my keys with me, and I fumbled with the ancient lock on the castle door. Pushing open the door, I stumbled inside and was surprised to find the castle in immaculate order. Obviously, despite our absence, Esme had insisted on maintaining the castle's appeal, and the groundskeepers and wait staff were obviously still employed. The castle was quiet today, however, and I found myself thankful to be alone with my thoughts – as miserable and painful as they may be.

My eyes scanned the room and immediately settled on the parlor – the room which had become a favorite of mine all those years ago. I weaved my way through the entry and leaned against the arch of the doorway.

Standing proudly in the middle of the room was my pristine white grand piano.

Like a moth to a flame, I found myself drawn to the instrument. I stealthily walked toward the piano, sitting down carefully upon the bench. I lifted the cover and ran my fingers along the keys, I pressed one. And then another.

Naturally, the piano was in perfect tune.

Without making a conscious decision to do so, my fingers trailed along the keys, and the song that escaped my fingers caused a deep, piercing stab to penetrate my soul. It was torture, playing her lullaby. Memories assaulted my senses as I closed my onyx eyes and recalled the first time I played it for her in my home. The first night I hummed it to her while she slept peacefully in my cold arms. The many, many nights after that – when I would climb through her window and pull her against my chest, humming the tune in her ear, as she sighed and pressed her soft, warm body closer to me. Granting me permission to hold her. Allowing me the privilege of loving her.

Overcome with emotion, I stilled my fingers and choked back a sobless moan.

"Don't stop," her voice whispered, causing my head to snap to attention. My eyes darted around the room, seeking her out. The voice was too distinct. Too close. Finding the room empty, I gingerly pressed another white key. I couldn't contain my smile when I heard her sweet sigh. I felt a soft breeze on my frozen skin, and like a magnet, my body leaned into the sensation.

"You play so beautifully," Bella murmured peacefully. My eyes flashed open as I felt her take her place next to me on the bench. I swiftly turned my head and felt my heart unclench for the first time in over a month.

She was by my side, smiling at me, encouraging me to continue playing. Her image was shimmering white – much like the long, ivory gown she was wearing. I idly thought that Alice must have dressed her for the occasion because that particular item of clothing wasn't something Bella would have chosen for herself. Her hair was down – long, mahogany waves cascading down her shoulders. My fingers could imagine the texture of each curl, and I ached to touch just one.

Yes, it was madness.

No, I didn't care.

"You're here," I breathed faintly, knowing she could hear me.

Bella smiled and ran her slender fingers along the keys. "I couldn't bear to stay away. I love to hear you play. You know that."

"I'll play for you – every second of every day – if it means you'll never leave me."

"But you left me," she whispered sadly, that familiar ache returning to my heart as she continued trailing her hand along the keyboard. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"More than my own life," I murmured gently. My hand on the keys crept silently toward hers, eager to close the distance between us. Her soft hand sparkled against the white keys, and I heard her relieved sigh when my fingers finally entwined with hers.

Home.

"You made it look so easy," she whimpered in defeat, taking my fingers and pressing each to one of the black keys. The tune became melancholy, and I allowed her to lead our song. I was lost in the sensation of her hand in mine, and I closed my eyes in quiet reverence.

"It was the hardest thing I've done in my century of existence. Never doubt that, my love."

Suddenly, her hands stilled as her head fell upon my shoulder. The scent of strawberries wafted my nostrils, and I drowned in the aroma, letting it wash over me and ground me in this moment.

"Please come home," she whispered faintly. "I can't breathe without you. Everything is so dark without you here. Everything hurts…"

"I want to come home," I choked unevenly. But I want to keep you safe, Bella. If something were to ever happen to you…." My voice trailed off as I tortured myself with that possibility.

"So this is your solution," Bella murmured softly. Her voice wasn't angry or accusing. It was almost….accepting. That realization cut me to the bone. I much preferred her fury to this quiet acceptance. "This is your answer. To divide us. To drive yourself insane in an attempt to alleviate your guilt and to keep me safe. To slowly drive me mad before the misery completely stops my heart."

"That won't happen," I whispered fearfully. "You can't die of a broken heart, Bella."

"Watch me…" Her voice engulfed my soul, and I watched as her shimmering image floated out of my sight.

"Bella…." Weakly, I scurried off the bench. "Please…come back…." I rushed through every room in the castle, screaming her name, searching in vain for something that had never been there in the first place. Her name echoed off the castle walls and taunted me, reminding me that I had made my choice. I had agreed to live my life without her. Without the softness of her skin. Without the sweetness of her voice. Without the calming power of her love.

"Bella…." I repeated feebly before I allowed the depression to swallow me whole. With a deafening growl, I threw my body against the stone slabs and slithered down the wall, wrapping my arms around my knees and curling into a ball.

I let the misery engulf me.