It took me a while to write this. I got to the middle, and then had major writer's block. I'm hoping it came out well, but I just want to know what you thought. It's my first songfic (ever). It's angsty but has a happy (and a little unrealistic) ending. You didn't just think I'd leave it sad, did you?
Broken by Lifehouse
The phone…goddamn that phone. Why was it ringing this early in the morning?
Sarah Walker slowly raised her head toward the sound. God, she was tired. Lately it had gotten harder to fall asleep at night. Instead her mind was filled with regrets, of what she had done in the past and for what she would have to do in the future. And now someone was calling her practically in the middle of the night…
She slowly took off her sleep-mask with a scowl, and quickly realized something. It was bright in her hotel room. Extremely bright, since the windows were open. But wait-that meant that it wasn't so early. Sarah checked the clock and groaned. 10:37. Since when did she wake up that late?
Remembering the still ringing phone, she picked it up and muttered out a half-hearted hello.
"Walker, secure."
Sarah quickly grabbed the phone with both hands, suddenly fully awake and alert. "Graham, sir. Do you have another assignment for me?"
"Agent Walker, it seems as though we have a problem. The Intersect is not doing so well."
Chuck. Oh God, Chuck. She had hoped to never have to hear that name again, as it brought up painful memories. Leaving him had been one of the only things she questioned about her job. It was just that she had gotten so used to his warm smile and deep brown eyes after all of those months. That had been her longest assignment, a full ten months.
Nineteen days ago he was taken to an underground bunker for safety and pronounced dead. Sarah Walker, friend of the Bartowskis and Buy More employees, was so heartbroken that she decided to move back to her hometown Washington D.C. Ellie had told her to keep in contact, but so far Chuck's sister failed to receive any news.
Although it was not her hometown, Sarah still returned to D.C. and awaited another assignment. But what she didn't expect was something that had to do with Chuck.
"What is it? Is he okay?"
"It appears that Mr. Bartowski is not willing to cooperate with us. From day one he lies in his bed and will not eat or drink anything. He lost four pounds in five days. We were forced to attach him to a tube, and although he tried to detach himself from the machine, he was severely punished and soon gave up. We're worried about his depression and refusal to eat."
Sarah stared at a wall as though seeing right through it. Somehow in the back of her mind she knew something like this would happen, but she was hoping that Chuck would get through it, like he had with Stanford.
But why would he? He'd been betrayed countless times by the people closest to him, and now it was taking its toll. All those times that Chuck had opened up to her about Bryce and Stanford, she always took pity and could not understand why someone could betray a person like Chuck; so sweet and innocent.
But now she knew, and it killed her to think that her betrayal was the worst on him. Not only was Sarah taken away from him, but Chuck's entire family was gone, along with his friends and entire life. It killed her a little more everyday to know that she did that to people, and yet she still lived on her life as though she had no care in the world.
"Bartowski has asked, demanded, pleaded to be returned to his old life. He asks to see his sister, friends, or at least to tell them the truth. You and I both know that that it impossible, but we think we can do one think to stabilize the situation. We want you to visit him, as he has asked in the past. Do whatever you can to make him cooperate with us willingly."
She wanted to. There was no way she could argue that she wanted to see him. In fact, she wanted it more than anything else in the world right now, maybe with the exception to make things right again.
But how could she do that to him? Go into his life for one more day and do something-maybe have to seduce him-to behave. No, that was something Sarah Walker would never do.
"I don't know how to say this sir, but I can't. As unprofessional as it was, I became attached to the asset. Anything I do to him will make everything worse once I leave, and I will not break down Chuck any longer. He was the most deserving of a good life, and he never got it. But at least he was happy with what he had, and now you took that away from him, too. I won't go this time."
Graham grunted, clearly stunned. Agent Walker was not one to say no. "Unfortunately, Agent Walker, you will have to do as told. We may have to find a different solution for long-term results, but for now it's the best we can do. Your plane will arrive at Ronald Regan Airport at 1:00 PM tomorrow. Be there."
Sarah listened to the click of the phone and seethed. How could they do this to her? She was still on the road to getting over Chuck, and now she had to see him all over again. She had to re-open all of his wounds and try to get him to cooperate. But he had no reason to cooperate with the people that stole his life away.
Sarah tried to control her anger but couldn't. She would have to get that hole in her wall fixed before someone took notice.
--
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
"We're sorry, Mr. Bartowski. You have to learn to control yourself. Until such notice, we'll be occupying your room to watch over you."
Chuck wanted to hurt the burly man speaking to him. He wanted to throw out every punch he had the energy to throw and kick until he was no longer conscious. Anger churned throughout his whole body. This was not the life he deserved.
Underground facility? No, it was a prison, only worse. Not even a window to look through, not even an outside breeze to remind him that fresh air existed. That other people lived.
In nineteen days, Chuck had turned from a lively and warm person to a broken man. The only thing that kept him going was that whenever he tried anything, his attempts were immediately thwarted.
Oh yes, he had tried. At first Chuck had hope, but after a few hours of thinking he realized he was being ignorant. No, he would never see the outside world again, so why live?
He'd tried running into walls headfirst, but of course his body would not kill itself that easily. Someone heard the bangs that merely caused headaches and soon Chuck was surrounded.
After the second attempt-a bang to the head against the linoleum sink-Chuck was found unconscious. Ha, that scared them all. But unfortunately he was fine, and ever since there were two large men standing at his door.
Nothing he tried work. Not eat? Stick a tube into him. Smother himself with a pillow? Now there was a guard in his room. Drown himself in a bathtub? That was stupid. His coughing was heard immediately, but Chuck couldn't come up with anything else.
He knew in the back of his mind that he wouldn't let himself be killed. Chuck was too afraid to die…he was just that kind of person. He had to trip himself to even try the blow from the sink thing.
Chuck was depressed. Depressed, broken…you couldn't recognize him now from his old life. He hadn't shaved and now had a slight beard. There were scars from the suicide attempts, and his eyes were now cold and distant.
Every few hours he went from depressed to angry. He had had a few seizures at first, and was now on pills to help stop them. Sometimes it scared him, what Chuck had become. But there was no turning back now. He was forever a changed man.
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
"Shut up! Shut up!" Chuck screamed. "Shut the fuck up!"
"Please, calm down."
"It won't work! Stop lying! She's never coming back!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. He became dizzy and warm, his breath ragged. But Chuck didn't care.
"Please sir, think rationally. I was told to tell you that a Miss Walker is going to come and help you. Don't make me take heavier measures to calm you down."
But he wasn't thinking rationally. Chuck hadn't been thinking rationally since the day he came to this retched place. "Get. Out. Now!"
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
The man stepped forward, menacingly. "Calm down, now. You don't want to hurt yourself, and you don't want me to hurt you."
They were lying, they had to be lying. Sarah left him and she was never coming back. He didn't care anymore, he just added her to the list of people who betrayed him.
No, that was a lie. He did care. But his brain didn't function properly enough to admit that. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
He collapsed on the floor, jerking this way and that. Chuck thrashed around, unable to control himself, yet not caring. His head hit something hard-the floor, and once Chuck gave himself the first blow he didn't stop. Again and again, hitting his head on the carpet, trying to reach the hard cement underneath. Faintly he heard the sounds of a man yelling, and then something sharp entering his skin.
After a few minutes, Chuck's breathing slowed and he was in his bed, being carefully watched. Giving into his exhaustion and headache, he fell asleep, the tears staining his pillow.
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
He sometimes thought about her. Never on purpose, but sometimes he couldn't help himself. When Chuck did think about Sarah, it was usually of how she betrayed him, let him be taken away from his life. He was angry, he was sad.
Really he just wanted her back.
It was easy to realize that Sarah Walker was a memory. He would never see the woman again. The love he felt for her was still real, but it was hidden behind the painful feelings, the thoughts that agonized him each and every night when he couldn't fall asleep. He couldn't help imagine the things that feared him most. That everything with Sarah had been fake, that she was laughing at him right now for ever believing that someone like her could fall for a nerd like him.
So when someone told him that she was coming back, he didn't believe it. Chuck became angry that someone would toy with his mind like that. Why cause him any more suffering? Was this a game to them? See who can make the little Bartowski kid the most upset?
At first his hope that Sarah would come save him took up most of his brain. Now that hope had deteriorated into what was now just a wish, like something you would think about while blowing out your candles at your birthday party.
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
He was angry at the guards. No, he was always angry at the guards. This time he was in a rage. One of them said that he should clean himself up for Sarah, since she would be coming.
"Would you shut the fuck up already?! Stop lying, it won't make me any better!"
"Mr. Bartowski, you need to—"
"I hate you! I hate all your lies! Shut up and LEAVE ME ALONE!" He took the closest thing to him-a handheld clock-and threw it at the guard. The man dodged it and threateningly walked up to Chuck.
"That is enough, Mr. Bartowski." He grabbed Chuck's wrist with force. "I'm through with you, and I'm through with your shit. You will listen to me or you will have a lot more pain in your life."
Chuck tried shaking the man's hand off but was unsuccessful. The other guard just stared at the two, and finally he couldn't take it anymore. Who cared if he got hurt? He'd purposefully hurt himself before, so why would it matter if it was someone's else's doing?
He kicked the man in the groin and felt satisfaction when the guard let go of Chuck's wrist and bent over in pain. But before he could do anymore damage, the other guard grabbed him and Chuck threw blind punches. All he felt was air, but he kept trying.
By now both guards had had enough. They threw him onto the bed, held him there and demanded that he keep still. Chuck, defeated, stared at the ceiling with a dead look in his eyes.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
Sarah looked through a crack in the door. She saw Chuck, fighting with two other men.
Chuck.
The sight of him made her breath hitch in her throat. All of the emotions that she had tried to suppress were now bubbling back to the surface. The heartbreak, the sadness, the worry…
But in that same moment Sarah realized something was wrong. His face…it was covered in scars. Oh God, what had they been doing to him? And his eyes…they were distant. He threw a clock at the man in front of him, but was soon overpowered. What was he thinking, trying to fight men like that? That wasn't the Chuck she knew.
Of course. She knew it would be hard on him, but she never imagined this. He was like a monster.
Once he was in a calmer position, she stepped into the room. "Chuck…"
His eyes flickered over to her and suddenly everything stopped.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
"Sarah," he whispered. No, it couldn't be her. She left him forever, which meant she would never return.
"Chuck, it's me." Her pale, blue eyes were now glossy. "I didn't know…"
She was at a loss for words, and instead ran over to him and embraced him. Chuck laid there, unmoving. Sarah stood back, confused.
He was overwhelmed. Was it really her? It must be…but why would she come? He was overjoyed. Sarah came to save him! He could go back to his older life now. He was suddenly full of energy. He felt…alive. "You came. I didn't…I thought I was here forever."
Sarah's face fell. So she wasn't here to save him. Happiness turned into anger. She left him, but she couldn't just betray him and leave it at that. She had to reopen all of his wounds and crush him again.
"What do you want?" he asked heatedly. "Did you come here just to say hi? Well great, I'm not doing so well. Let me guess…you wanted to tell me that everything we had was fake, just so I don't misunderstand. Trust me, I know, I'm not that stupid."
"Chuck, you have every reason to be mad at me--"
"What's your point?" he interjected.
This was definitely not the Chuck she was used to, the one she'd fallen in love with. "What happened to you?"
"What, the scars?" In spite of himself, he laughed. "I guess I'd had enough of this world. Didn't work though. Your CIA buddies keep me safe and sound. Won't even let me kill myself. Or did you mean how I've changed? Ha, I guess this place has that effect on you. Sometimes I even scare myself."
"How could you ever say that?" She tried to maintain control. "Did I do this to you? Oh my God, Chuck, I'm so sorry."
"Don't lie to me. At least tell me the truth now, Sarah. You don't care, you never have."
"That's not true!"
He scoffed. "Look, tell Graham that I'll be better so you don't have to come. I don't want to see you and hear all your lies."
"Do you really mean that?" Tears were spilling down Sarah's cheeks. "All that we had…Chuck, that was real. I don't know how you could think it wasn't."
He tried to become numb, but it wasn't working. Of course. All she had to do was smile and he would believe anything she said. It was like he was becoming his old self again just by talking to her. Chuck tried to remember that she would do anything to make him believe her.
"Let's say it was real. What does that mean, Sarah, huh? Are you going to leave me here again? Because I won't get better. You expect me to be happy?" His voice rose with every sentence, and he saw that everything he said took its toll on Sarah. Good, she deserved it. Suddenly all of the anger was drained out of him and the words began to get choked up in his chest, and his eyes became red. "I fell in love. Can you blame a guy? I don't deserve this, I don't…"
"Chuck, I know," she whispered. Sarah moved closer to him. Was this the right choice? It didn't matter now. She captured his lips in hers and they kissed as though they never would again. Sarah couldn't help but grab at his hair and fall onto him, onto the bed. She held his cheeks, felt his hot tears on her cheeks-or were those her tears on his? It didn't matter now, they were together, one soul.
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
His hands roamed her hair and back, resting on her waist. His mind kept telling him that this was all a trick to get him to trust her, but he didn't stop. Sarah's hands were now running through his curls, and he traced kisses on her neck,
They broke apart then, knowing that they wouldn't be able to control it if they went any longer, and there were guards in the room. However, as Sarah looked around, she noticed that the men were no longer there.
"Chuck, I also fell in love, and no matter what I try to tell myself, those feelings aren't going away. I know this might be hard to do, but I need you to trust me. I'll be back."
He nodded, although his eyes were still fearful. Sarah backed off of the bed and gave him one more lasting peck on the lips. "Oh, and Chuck? Try to be good, these people are having a hard time too."
"If you'll come back. And not just once. Sarah, I can't live without you. I need someone in my life from before. I can't go on like this, I scare myself."
"I'll see what I can do."
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
It took some work, but Sarah finally convinced Graham. She told him that as much as she loved it, her body had taken as much damage as it could handle and she wanted to stop before she completely broke down. They ended up agreeing that Sarah could visit Chuck once a week with no guards for six hours. For the rest of the time she would take part in other missions; however, ones that took less work and pressue.
He was just happy that Chuck cooperated.
Sarah looked forward to these visits. No, she lived for them. It was like her past was coming back to haunt her. Sometimes she would wake up in a cold sweat, reliving the murders and crimes she had committed, especially her past of hurting innocent people. What she had told Graham was starting to become true-she was breaking down. Looking back, even in those nineteen days she came extremely close to blowing her cover. Checking into the hotel, her real name had almost slipped out, which might not seem like a big deal, but in her world it was huge. She thought it was her body reaching out to the normal world she once knew, with Chuck.
She had now taken residence in an apartment in San Diego, California, so that she was closer to him. Everything was going well between to two. Chuck was turning back into the person she had known for those ten months.
I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
Chuck was in his bed staring at the ceiling he had gotten to know very well, his hands behind his head. Sometimes he pretended that it was the sky, and he was staring at the stars. It didn't usually work, but it gave Chuck something to look at.
He listened to Sarah. He was better now, so that now he was no longer attached to any eating machine, there were no guards in his room (only outside), and he hadn't had gotten into any large arguments in the past five days.
Five days, since she came. The realization hit right then that maybe she wasn't coming back. Maybe they thought he was cooperating now, and wouldn't let her. So should he be bad? No, that might make it worse. Chuck sighed, and depression overcame him. Sarah probably wasn't coming back. She'd done what the CIA wanted, so why should they listen to her?
He had no question now that Sarah wanted to come. Chuck believed her now, and that love that was hidden under anger and betrayal came back. He'd driven away the thought that the whole thing might have been a lie. But what he feared was that she wouldn't come back, and that would hurt him almost as much as it had the first time.
But two days later, there she was. They embraced, melting into each other. After "making up" the time they'd missed during that week of seeing each other, Sarah broke apart from him and rested her forehead against his.
"Six hours, once a week, no guards."
Chuck's smile lit up his face. "Six hours is just enough time."
Their lips sealed back together, and they fell onto the bed tangled in each other, leaving Chuck only the breath to say, "I've missed you."
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
On the second visit he asked about Ellie.
Sarah stared at his tearing-up eyes and said that she hadn't talked to his sister.
It was then that she decided to go against what she'd learned and help Chuck.
She called Ellie soon after their second visit, and said that she was sorry she hadn't kept in contact-she'd been trying to get over Chuck's death-but wanted to stay in touch with her. Ellie, crying so that Sarah could barely make out what she was saying, was just happy to hear from her again. Since Graham mentioned that it was a slow week, she hopped on a plane to see her…how could she explain Ellie as anything else but a sister?
They'd collapsed together sobbing on the couch. Ellie for her brother's death, and Sarah because telling Ellie would make things much harder, and Chuck was stuck down there forever.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
Sarah agreed to give him weekly updates about Ellie, Devon, Morgan and everyone. The only problem was that she couldn't let Graham know, which made it hard to come up with excuses as to why Ellie shouldn't visit Sarah in San Diego (Sarah told her that she'd moved because she missed California, but didn't want to be too close to everything).
Sarah quickly became close friends with everyone again. Sometimes they would all be sitting together, when suddenly there was silence, except for the occasional sniff or sob.
Ellie and Devon had decided to get married after all-it was what Chuck would want. It would take a little longer to get everything ready, but the wedding was back on.
When Chuck heard this, he was overjoyed, but Sarah could see the pain in his eyes. He wouldn't be able to attend his own sister's wedding.
A month later, she cried when Ellie was at the alter. She looked so beautiful, and it hurt that Sarah could probably never get married, and neither could Chuck. Sarah was even bridesmaid, and delivered a speech on her behalf. Graham knew where she was, Sarah told him, but despite his warnings she was here.
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
By now Sarah visited three times a week, and the only guards in the hallway were at the corners, in case of any emergencies. Chuck was allowed out once a week to a nearby park (although he was guarded and severely punished if he tried anything), and chose that day to be with Sarah. It was the only time they were together and had guards watching.
He tried to escape the first time he was let out, but as Sarah watched, he was tackled to the ground before he could get three feet.
They were staring at the stars one night when Chuck realized that despite his situation, he was lucky. He had the love of his life, a slight connection to before, and now that there were no guards, life was easier. Out of the blue, he asked her, despite not having a ring.
And Sarah said yes.
They convinced Graham. The danger had passed by, and now they could live together in a CIA apartment building that was guarded from the outside. Both had to change their appearances, but they could now live among the outside world (although there was always a guard on sight). Sarah became an analyst so that she didn't have to leave on random assignments.
The only time Sarah ever took her ring off was when she occasionally visited Ellie. It hurt her that she got to be so happy with Chuck, while his sister still mourned his fake death. Despite what she wanted, Sarah couldn't ever tell Ellie that he was alive. The most she could do was say that she had dreams of Chuck communicating to her. Ellie took all she could get that reminded her of her brother.
It definitely wasn't the perfect life, but Sarah was surprised at how lenient Graham was to them. Normally once you were underground, you were there forever. Maybe he was pleasantly surprised that Chuck completely cooperated when he was with Sarah.
Three years ago, if you had told Sarah that she would be married and living with an asset, she would laugh. Things like that didn't happen in the CIA, and besides, she would never let herself fall for the asset.
But things had always been different with Chuck.
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
--
From the writer's point of view: eh, it's a little choppy
From the reader's point of view: ??