A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! YES! THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! AOIRANN, I LOVE YOU!

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Serious Business

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

Akane glared at the girl in front of her, ready to go Kampfer in an instant. "That's how you test someone?" she demanded. "By throwing acid at them?"

Cocone shrugged. "I'm sorry," she said, voice quiet. "My personality and looks change when I become a Kampfer. You should know what that's like."

Akane gave the loli a glare. Must not hit little girls, must not hit little girls… she repeated to herself, resisting the urge to call her nicely oversized machine gun. "That's hardly the best way to get your allies to like you."

Cocone shuffled nervously. "I can't help it. The other me… likes being loud. And talking."

Akane sighed. "Great. Now I have to find a way to explain this to my friends."

"Would it not mayhap be more convenient towards the correction of the situation to remove them? " Cocone suggested, turning her pale blue eyes to Akane, one eyebrow raised inquisitively.

Akane glared. "Change back before I perforate your ass, bitch," he said.

There were a pair of shudders, and they were both back to normal.

"Sorry," Cocone said. "I still can't control it very well."

"Me neither," Akane admitted. "Well, come on, you can help me explain…"

...

"Was water involved?" was Asuna's first question.

"Asuna-chan, I don't think water causes every bad thing to happen," Akane chided.

"You don't know that!" Asuna insisted. "And what was the deal, turning into a guy and going all unreasonably hyper-violent there?"

Akane sighed. "Apparently, that's how my particular Bracelet of Oath works. According to Kyosei Panda–"

"'Castrated Panda'?" Asuna repeated.

"My Messenger," Akane said patiently. "In Otaku terms, if I'm a magical girl, then he's my animal sidekick and mentor. Anyway–"

"Your mentor is an Entrail Animal?" Asuna interrupted again. "I'm sorry, did I hear that right? Just so we're clear. Your magical animal sidekick is a plush toy of a panda with no balls and its guts hanging out?"

"YES!" Akane cried. "Can I explain now?"

"Sheesh, no need to get tetchy, Akane," Asuna said.

Akane glared. "Anyway… my bracelet changes me into a Kampfer, which in this case, means turning into a boy with a hyper-violence problem and an absurdly big gun."

"Kampfer are always girls," Cocone explained. "But I guess there's nothing that says they stay girls."

Konoka and Ranma, technically not allowed in the girl's dorm but snuck in anyway, just stared.

"So now you can both turn into boys?" Konoka said weakly.

"I'm saying right now we are never going to try it that way," Ranma declared. "You know, if we ever decide to go through with the schools being joined thing. I'm pretty certain mom will say it's not manly."

...

"Excuse me?" Saber said, entering the dojo. "I'm here about the instructor job?"

A woman with long pink hair pulled back in a tail looked up. "Name?"

"Pendragon Saber," Saber said.

The woman pursed her lips. "Well, no reason why you can't try out." She picked up a shinai and tossed it to Saber, who caught it. "Show me what you can do." She picked up her own shinai.

"Who do I have the honor of fighting?" Saber asked as she approached.

"Miyazaki Signum," the woman said. "Ready? Go!"

Three hours later…

"Signum!" Vita cried, barging into the dojo. The sky was already dark. "It's late! Nodoka's getting worried! Why are you… still… here…?"

Vita stared at the two women fighting with wild abandon. She gauged the blonde woman's skills, whistled, and checked her watch. Crap, this might be a while…

Sighing, she sat down to wait, and maybe spend the night…

...

Much later that night…

"Saber?-!" Negi exclaimed as the Servant walked in. "Where have you been? We were getting worried!"

"Getting a job…" the Servant said tiredly. "Where's dinner?"

"At this hour?" Negi exclaimed. "It's almost nine!"

"The audition was… lengthy," Saber said, plopping down at the table and beginning to eat.

"You didn't sign up at an image club, did you?" Rin asked.

Negi and Saber gave her identical questioning looks. "Image club?" they chorused.

"Aww!" Rin said. "It's so cute, knowing there are some things the two of you still don't know!"

Negi twitched. "Actually, I'm fine with not knowing," he said. "Very, very fine…"

...

Negi sighed as he did his desk at the faculty office. Being a teacher was tough work, but he was finding it very fulfilling. Additionally, it was giving him a steady pay check, so he didn't have to feel guilty about living off Rin.

The door to the offices suddenly slid open and Ako and Makie came rushing in. "NEGI-SENSEI! TAKE CHARGE!"

"Use your authority!" Makie cried.

"We were attacked!" Ako said, crying.

Makie pointed. "Look at these bruises! Help us!"

"Wh-what?" Negi exclaimed. "Who would do that…?"

…

"It's me, Eiko the high school ace!"

Akira leapt in the attacks way, protecting a surprised Yuuna, but the attack struck her and she cried out in pain.

"Ha ha, so you see?" Eiko laughed. "You're just little babies compared to us high school girls!"

"Hey, you there!" a child's voice suddenly cried.

The girls turned, in time to see Negi doing his best to look intimidating. There have been scarier bowls of jello.

"How dare you pick on my students!" he cried. "As their instructor, I cannot tolerate this! Apologize before I get mad!"

There was stunned silence. Then…

"SQUEEEE!" was the battle cry. "He's so cute!"

"Ah!" Negi cried in alarm.

"I've heard about a ten year-old teacher…"

"I'll hold him first!"

"No I will!"

"What a cute tushy!"

Negi thought frantically, eyes growing cross-eyed in the press of female bodies…

"AH! RAPISTS CHILD MOLESTERS! HELP! THEY'RE TOUCHING ME IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES!" he cried, panicked.

Rin suddenly looked up from the plans for the Jewel Sword she was examining. "Did you just feel something, Illya? Like a chill?"

"Wha-?" the girls said, backing away slightly.

"Saotome-Style Special Technique! Atama-ni-obujekuto-o-surō!"

Something hit Eiko in the head, and she whirled in shock.

"Ah!" Yuuna cried. "It's Asuna-san, Class rep, Nanoha-san and Akane-san!"

"Unhand that innocent, viginal boy this instance!" Ayaka cried dramatically.

"Tough talk for a brat!" one of the girls with Eiko cried.

"Tough talk for an old lady!" Akane countered back.

"Get out of here before we kick your ass!" Asuna cried. "Because if it's a fight you want… SAOTOME ASUNA DOESN'T LOSE!"

"Why are you doing this!-?" Nanoha demanded. "What do you think you can accomplish? Can't we just be friends?"

Eiko smirked evilly, crossing her arms. A red bracelet dangled from one wrist. "I'm shaking in my stylish shoes. You girls talk tough, but junior high reps mean squat to high schoolers. Besides, Ayaka, that's no way to talk to your sempai. We run things around here. We go where we want, do what we want, to whomever we want. Got that, brats?"

The Asuna, Ayaka and Akane began to growl.

Eiko leaned over and put an arm around Negi's shoulders, putting her face close to his. "And right now, we want to do things to this cutie here…"

Negi screamed in purest trauma. "AH! CHILD MOLESTER! SEX OFFENDER! PEDOPHILE! SHE'S TOUCHING MEEEEEE!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

"There it is again!" Rin declared. "I swear I felt something!"

"You heard him, you old hag!" Asuna cried as Akane stepped back, one hand over her wrist, looking slightly concerned by how it flashed. "Let him go!"

"UNHAND NEGI-SENSEI!" was Ayaka's battle roar.

"Girls, what's going on here?"

Everything and everyone came to a screeching halt.

"Takahata!" Negi cried. "Oh, thank god!"

...

"Oh, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Asuna cried as they reached the roof where they were supposed to have PE. "This again?"

"Why hello girls," Eiko said mockingly. "Fancy meeting you here."

Behind her, Negi, in the grip of several girls, sighed. "There must be less dangerous jobs. I hear Somalian pirates almost never encounter teenaged girls at all. Ditto for Alaskan crab fishermen. And Karie never bothers the Mythbuster's crash test dummies…"

"GET OFF OUR ROOF!" Asuna cried.

"And let Negi-sensei go!" Nanoha added. "He's clearly uncomfortable!"

"Make us!" one of the high school girls said.

The two sides closed in, but before any actual injuring occurred…

"ACHOO!"

… a brief hurricane erupted, startling the two groups and letting Negi escape his captor's grip.

"No, wait!" Negi cried, trying to get their attention. "Violence is no way to solve an argument!"

"It's always done pretty well for me," Asuna said.

"Freaky weather we're having…" Makie said, looking around.

"Since you all like sports so much," Negi continued, "I suggest we settle this sportingly. Instead of endless disputes, we resolve this here and now! How about a game of dodgeball? That way, it's on an even ground."

A slow, evil smile began to creep along Eiko's face, as it did several of her classmates. "Fine with us," she said. "We'll even spot them 11 extra players. Winner gets first dibs on all the disputed territories."

"You're on!" Asuna cried as 2-A cheered in agreement.

"But if we win…" Eiko said, draping herself over Negi. "This cutie transfers to our school to… teach… us."

"W-what?-!" Negi exclaimed.

Saber's head snapped up. "I sense someone is trying to steal my kingdom…"

"There, there was definitely a chill there!" Rin exclaimed

...

"Go, go!" the cheerleaders cried. "Let's go, 2-A! KICK THEIR ASSES!"

Evangeline sighed, putting her fingers in her hands as Chachamaru launched fireworks beside her. "Why the hell do they have to do this on my roof? I was drinking tea…"

"Aren't we going to help?" Mana asked, leaning against the wall.

"Oh, they look like they're having fun," Kaede commented.

"Konoka's… ass…" Setsuna drooled.

"Go everyone!" Nodoka cheered from her wheelchair.

Zazie sat on the wall, a bird perched on her hand. All according to plan…

The volley opened with Negi getting hit on the head.

Asuna managed to catch the rebound.

"You're still in!" she cried. "Come on, sensei, don't screw this up for us! Saotome-Style Special Technique! Atama-ni-obujekuto-o-surō!"

The ball his one of the high school girls, knocking her out of the game.

"Let's show them how it's done!" Asuna cried.

...

It soon became clear, however, that having twice as many members as the other team was a liability in Dodgeball.

"She's moving fast!"

"Clear a space!"

"Coming through!"

"Don't panic!"

Eiko grinned. "Go ahead, panic." She threw lazily.

It hit the back of Haruna's (no relation to Asuna or Ranma) head, rebounded, bounced of the back of Chizuru's and tagged Misora before dropping to the ground. They were out.

"2-A with 3 outs!"

"What the hell?" Asuna cried.

"Let's try that again," Eiko said, throwing.

It struck Hakase, Satsuki, Natsumi, and Asakura before finally coming to rest.

"Girls!" Ayaka cried. "It's Dodgeball! You might try actually dodging!"

"But there's too many of us to move around!" Asakura protested.

And that's when they realized their tactical disadvantage.

Eiko took out Yue and was about to go for one of the twins when Asuna stepped in. She grabbed the ball, lobbing towards Eiko as strongly as she could. "Take this!"

Eiko caught it in one hand with negligent ease. "Take what?" she said mockingly.

"Impossible!" Asuna cried. "That was my most powerful attack! No normal girl can possibly just catch it!"

"Who ever said we were normal girls?" Eiko bragged. "The truth is…"

"You're professional dodgeball players?" Akane asked mockingly.

Eiko leveled a hateful glare at her before Ayaka stepped in front of the shorter girls, blocking her from view, glaring right back. Eiko grunted. "Hardly. We are more than just dodgebal players, we are…"

The remaining members of the high schoolers threw off their clothes, revealing uniforms underneath. "… THE KANTO REGIONAL DODGEBALL MARTIAL ARTS TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM, THE BLACK LILIES!"

"And Dodgeball Ninjutsu!" one of the members added.

"Yes," Eiko conceded. "And Dodgeball Ninjutsu!"

2-A stared.

"That's just lame!" Haruna cried.

"What kind of weird Martial Arts and Crafts is that!" Chisame cried.

"I have heard of these people…" Kaede said seriously. "The feats of Dodgeball Ninjutsu are Legen– wait for it…"

"It is said that Dodgeball Martial artists were able to hold out against enemy mortar fire by sending it back to their enemies in World War II," Mana said. "Truly fearsome foes."

"–dary!" Kaede said. "It seems I must take a hand…"

She stood, walking to the field. "Yo, anyone want to tag out?"

"Me!" Makie cried, tagging Kaede as she ran off.

"Are they allowed to do that?" one of the high schoolers said.

"Eh, let them," Eiko said. "It makes no difference."

Kaede smiled, never opening her eyes.

"Heh," Eiko said. "Let this be an example! Bibi, Shii! Triangle attack!"

Battle auras flared, and Ayaka, despite her brave stand, fell under their merciless attack, followed by Chisame and Akira.

"It's over for you now, brat!" Eiki taunted. "Take this! Dodgeball Martial Arts Final Technique! Sun Attack Death Blow!"

The ball streaked down to hit Konoka.

Setsuna leapt to her feet, grabbing for her sword.

"Konoka!" Asuna cried, moving in front of her.

The ball struck her hard in the torso, eliciting a cry of pain.

"Hah!" Eiko cried, catching the ball. "Let's try that again! Dodgeball Martial Arts Final Technique! Sun Attack Death Blow!"

Kaede caught the ball. "She's already out," she said. "That is going too far."

Eiko sneered at her. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Kaede opened one eye. Concentric circles grew outward from her pupil, and three comma-like black marks spun clockwise around it. "Nagase Kaede, of the Miroku Ninja Clan," she declared. "Wielder of the Sharinnegan."

Nanoha and the lone Dodgeball Ninja on the other team gasped. "The Mistress of Six Deviations!" Nanoha cried, covering her crotch.

"We're screwed!" the high school ninja cried. "Hopefully not literally!"

"2-A!" Kaede declared. "Let's get dangerous."

The other remaining 2-A players– Nanoha, Akane, Negi, the twins, Konoka, Ako, Chao, Ku– all nodded.

Kaede turned and faced the Black Lilies. "Miroku clan special technique! BALL BUSTER!"

"Ah!" one of the Lilies cried, falling. Her teammate caught it, saving her.

"This'll teach you!" he teammate cried. "Meteor Strike!"

Ako, drew back her leg. "Time to bend it like Beckham!" she cried, kicking the ball right back.

The ball bounced, hanging in the air. Nanoha and the other ninja leapt at it. Nanoha got it first. "Take this!" Nanoha cried. "Midori-ya Divine Stardust Fall!"

"AH!" the enemy nin cried, taking it right in the face.

"China Double Attack!" Chao and Ku cried.

"Akane punch!" Akane cried.

"Twin Loli Strike!"

Now that the named attacks were coming out, combined with the Cheerleaders and the other 2-A girl singing 1000 Percent Sparkling, 2-A was able to turn the tide.

"TIME'S UP! 2-A wins!"

"Yeah!" Negi cried. "I don't have to fill in faculty transfer paper work!"

"No way!" Eiko cried. "How could we have lost!-?"

The Dodgeball Ninja stared at her. "How badly do you want to step on that?"

"Shut up, Karin!"

"Gr…" Eiko cried, glaring at Kaede and Asuna as she grabbed the ball. "We've still got overtime, bitches! Dodgeball Martial Arts Forbidden Technique! Murderous World Crush!-!-!"

The ball streaked towards the back of Asuna's head. She turned at the cry, but was too off-guard to react.

Negi grabbed the ball, catching it in one hand. "That's… not… NICE!" he cried, lobbing it back with a little something extra.

Eiko caught it, and her clothes exploded off her, leaving her in just her underwear.

"My…" Kaede said, making a show of looking her up and down. "You strip down nice…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!" Eiko cried, trying to cover herself up.

"Oh crap…" Negi muttered.

"Woah! That was amazing, Negi-sensei!"

"What do you call that?"

"You should have used it sooner!"

"W-we won't forget this!" Eiko cried as she abandoned the field her team following her and trying to get her clothes back on her.

Negi sighed. I'll have to buy her new clothes…

"WE TOTALLY ROCK!" 2-A cried.

"We beat the high school girls!"

"Three cheers for Negi!"

"Hip-hip, hurray!"

...

"Whoa, that was some match!" Akane said as she and some of the others walked back to the dorms later that day.

"Heh, those Dodgeball Martial Artists have some decent moves," Asuna commented.

"I wish I could have done more," Konoka said.

"Akane-san!" Ayaka called. "Could you please come with me for a moment? I need to speak to you."

Akane frowned, but shrugged. "Go on ahead guys," she said. "What's up, Iincho?"

Ayaka shook her head. "Not here. This way."

Confused, Akane followed Ayaka, who led her to a small field under the World Tree. It was pretty private, with no one else in sight. "Iincho?"

Ayaka faced the tree, away from Akane. "I know your secret, Tendo-san."

Akane started. "Look, it was an honest mistake, the floor was slippery and–"

"Wha– no, not that!" Ayaka said. "I know you're a Kampfer."

Akane froze. "No…"

Ayaka turned back to her, cat-slitted crimson eyes turning to regard the surprised Martial Artist. Ayaka's hair underneath had turned vivid green, similar to Chachamaru's. She smiled, raising her wrist for Akane to see. A red bracelet gleamed. "Did you know, Akane-san, that Red Kampfers fight Blue Kampfers…?"

Akane's own bracelet flared, his crimson hair framing his suddenly bishonen face fists clenched angrily. "Bring it on, bitch!" he cried, his M61 Vulcan appearing in his hands.

Ayaka smirked, holding out her hands. A pair of swords appeared. They both hummed, glowed and whirred. "An interesting theoretical exercise," Ayaka said. "What wins? A machine gun… or a pair of Energy Chainsaw Swords?" The energy blades hummed as she swung them experimentally, the toothed edges whirring. A chain connected the butt of each sword. "This should be interesting…"

"Die, bitch!"

"FOR THE LOLI!"

Battle commenced.

...

Nanoha sighed in relief as she sealed the Jewel Seed that had appeared at the Tatsumiya Shrine. "Well, looks like we're done, Yuuno-kun."

"I guess we can go–"

Some distance away, near the foot of the World Tree, explosion happened.

"What's that?" Nanoha said, surprised. "We'd better check it out!"

...

"No, I don't wanna be the dodgeball mascot!" Negi cried.

...

- To be continued...

...

A/N: I've always thought Signum reminded me a lot of Saber. Similar armors and personalities.

Negi complaining about child molesters… somewhere, a pillar of the Akamatsu-verse just collapsed.

Kampfer changes are fun!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.