Chapter 2

Rondo of Bludgeoning

The village was rapidly being consumed by flame when Simon arrived. To his great horror he recognized it as being one of several villages he had visited on his last quest to defeat Dracula, and seeing how little was done to save the village sickened him. Just then, on the second floor landing of a half-demolished house, there appeared a muscular man wearing blue that had the face of a teenager and impeccably smooth skin as well as a whip to his side. Simon immediately knew what it was he was facing, and he was filled with a rage that consumed his earlier disgust.

(Atuhor's Nose: The next few lines of dialogue are to be read as ham-fistedly as possible.)

"Die bishi. You don't belong in this world!" Shouted Simon.

"It was not by my hand that I was given such looks. I was made this way by Konami who wish to appease the fans." Defended Richter.

"Appease them! You steal their masculinity and make them question their sexuality!" Pointed out Simon.

"Perhaps the same could be said of all anime stylization ploys…" Mockingly responded Richter.

"Your words are as hollow as your cheekbones! The fanbase ill needs a pretty boy such as you!" Insinuated Simon.

"What is a fan? (Obligatory toss of wine glass later) An annoying little pile of obsession. But enough talk… Have at you!"

Gothic rock played as the suave Richter leapt from his perch to face Simon on even footing. Richter struck with his whip yet Simon deftly leapt back from it. Richter made a zealous laugh.

"Did you expect me to go easy on you old man?" asked Richter, to which Simon responded,

"I expect you to die!"

Simon tossed a Dagger but Richter's whip knocked it away.

"Yours is a violent and foolish quest. I have no choice but to lay the book on you!"

With a heft Richter tossed a Holy Book at Simon's face, knocking him back with a groan.

"That should knock some sense into you that the Belmonts are of greater power and status then in your day." Simon didn't take this lying down as he shouted,

"No! The Belmont name is a proud unflinching one whose members wore all-leather clothing to display their physical prowess. Those fancy clothes make you look like a stable boy fairy!"

"Although this fabric is nowhere as tough as animal hide it does allow for exceptional maneuverability, like so!" boasted Richter.

Effortlessly Richter pulled off a back flip that landed him on a landing above a set of stairs.

"Acrobatics only delay the inevitable, pretty boy," said Simon.

Simon charged forward at the stairs and began the long arduous ascent of 25 steps, to which Richter gave another laugh.

"You fool! Now that you are trapped in that ascending animation I'll rain Axes upon you!"

And Richter did just that, throwing a bunch of Axes that all hit Simon as he climbed. Yet despite the many hits Simon kept climbing unimpeded.

"No! How is it that you are still moving unhindered or phased!" To which Simon answered,

"As I said amateur: The mark of physical prowess lies in leather!"

Richter retreated back as Simon reached the top of the stairs. From there the elder Belmont did a jump and whipped two lanterns that were hanging in mid-air, each dropping a numbered power-up that were immediately gathered.

"With this III you will witness the true meaning of DOMINATED!" Simon exclaimed.

In one go Simon threw up three Axes that fell toward Richter, but with a draw of his whip he twirled it around in a wide deflecting circle that rendered the Axes useless. This left Simon rather flabbergasted to the point of out-crying,

"Witchcraft! I call witchcraft! The influence of Satan is flowing through the once pure Vampire Killer; a most insidious wretch you are!" Richter shook his head rebelliously at the claim before saying,

"This isn't the devil's work you fossil. Merely a flick of the wrist and I have instant protection." But Simon wouldn't accept it.

"Hold thy tongue sorcerer as I bless thy ass!"

Simon began throwing a barrage of Holy Crosses but each of them is reflected back by Richter's physics-defying whip spin. Simon kept throwing Crosses in a tireless stream, resulting in a rather ridiculous stalemate. After saying that though an adorable little girl with blonde hair and a pink dress walked up to Richter and asked,

"Onii-chan, what are you doing?"

As he kept spinning the whip Richter replied, "In the middle of fending off a crazy man. Now get out of here; this is no time for a child to be bothering me."

"It kinda looks like you're having trouble Onii-chan," Maria pointed out. Richter immediately stopped his whip-capades to face her and say,

"Bitch what you talkin' bout? It's he who's having trouble here!"

Richter received a Cross to the back of the head, followed by a shout of "Pwned!" from Simon. The once-boasting Belmont sprawled out on the ground as Maria stood by all innocent.

"You probably should have guarded your strength then," she suggested innocently, to which Richter retorted,

"Maybe if you weren't talking and lent me your power I wouldn't be down on my face."

Simon suddenly became stricken with horror upon thinking what the current conversation might be about.

"You really are a hideous mockery of a human being: Along with being fair of face you're also cavorting with severely under-aged girls! Sickening; absolutely SICKENING! By God's very Will I shall purge your deviance from the face of the planet!" To which God commanded,

"Finish Him!"

Everything darkened slightly, and from the Heavens above a Whip Power-up descended unto Simon. Richter managed to stand up and shake about woozily for a little bit before Simon unleashed a rapid-fire assault of magically-enhanced whip attacks. As blood and flesh were torn asunder Richter gave off a screeching heroic death cry before exploding into a marvelous cascade of blood and bone, and God made the call.

"Simon Belmont Wins. Brutality!"

Everything lit up back to normal, and once more Simon stood the victorious Belmont. However Maria looked confused and expressed as much when she spoke.

"Crazy-san, Onii-chan was the one who rescued me. He didn't do anything bad." With as straight a face as Simon's ancient face could muster he said,

"His pretty looks were a damnable crime in of itself. Fret yourself no further little girl. I have righted what was-"

Simon stopped mid-sentence as his senses got the better of him again, which gave Maria concern.

"Mister?"

"The castle! I missed something somehow! AWAY!"

Simon leapt off into a dash leaving the little girl behind in the smoldering building. Exiting the burning village Simon once more headed in the direction of Castlevania, which had now grown more ominous beneath gathering storm clouds.

To Be Continued