My English Teacher's [Mr Butler] comment on Story
Note to readers: some words the teacher crossed out were indicated in this online version with a 'strikethrough effect' on the word.
Read it if you are interested in others views out there on my story.
I hope you do not take my comments to be personal. I think you have a definite talent.
However,
The only thing that held me back was your treatment of how you named the subjects i.e. Leonard Lovely, Sunny Sunshine.
For me, it lost appeal quickly as I felt I the reader was being treated as like a child. Perhaps it was your this audience that you were targeting. In this case I have few objections. For an HSC marker however this writing would wear thin quickly. It appears trite and silly, a cheap too easy attempt to score a moral point!
Having said this –
You have talent
Prose works for you = Some very strong sentences and word control. I will underlined [not underlined in online version] the bits I enjoyed. To be frank it was if you could move from the childish it would be so good.