THE GODS MESSED UP AND WE'RE ALL IN DANGER
Bokuto had no idea that leaving the door open would be a fatal mistake. Sure, it was one in the morning and they didn't live in a great neighborhood, but he didn't know something far worse than robbery would happen. He had woken up in a cold sweat and realized he'd forgotten all about his miniature watermelon, so he had to go down to Kuroo's car (the only car owned between all three of them) and get it from under the seat. Of course he considered closing the door, but his keys were all the way back in his room and he would only be outside for like 8 seconds. Kuroo always left his keys on the counter after he got home from the night classes he took, since he was never able to sleep anyways. So yeah, he left the door open, only to be woken the next morning from his boredom induced sleep by Daishou screaming.
"She's gone!" he yelled as Kuroo woke up off the floor (where he often slept) and Bokuto stumbled out of his room.
"Who, your girlfriend again?" Kuroo chimed. Daishou looked deeply offended and personally attacked. He whirled on them.
"You. You assholes did this. You wanted to get me kicked out of the apartment," he snarled in a surprisingly frightening voice. There was a crazed look in his eyes.
"Dude, are you sure the snake's not in the apartment?" Kuroo asked, nervously eyeing his surroundings.
"No, I looked all over."
"Well how the fuck would it have gotten out?" Kuroo asked, "how do you lose something over a meter long?"
Bokuto timidly raised his hand, "Well... I... may have left the door open last night." He let out all in one breath. Daishou and Kuroo turned on him, steam spilling from their ears in complete panic and rage.
"You let my snake out," Daishou said, incredulous.
"We could've been murdered," Kuroo squawked.
"But we weren't and that's the important thing."
"You let my snake out," Daishou repeated.
"It was an acc–"
Daishou cut him off, "Since both of you are some sort of Disaster Duo, both of you are at fault. So both of you are gonna help me find Snake ."
"Ooh cool, a foreign name!" Bokuto said, either taking no notice of the blatant insult or ignoring it completely.
"Did you literally name your snake 'snake' in English you lazy shit?" Kuroo snickered.
Daishou just glared at him. "I don't think she can use the elevator so we'll start with this floor."
"Are you actually a complete idiot or do you just play one on TV?" Kuroo asked.
Ignoring Kuroo, Daishou continued, "Split up and find Snake or I will personally murder both of you while you sleep.
"Try it, asshole, I never sleep," Kuroo replied.
"I'm a patient man, I'll wait til you do." Daishou and Kuroo were pretty close to a rival-forehead-touch.
"I have no intention of helping you find your snake. It's yours and your responsibility and you can find it your damn self." Kuroo retorted.
"It's you guys' fault for leaving the door open in the first place."
"I wasn't the one that left it open! And you should have had it in its tank where it's supposed to be, instead of letting it slither around your room like a weirdo!"
"That's not your business," Daishou hissed, "but you're going to help me find her or I'll file a complaint and get you two kicked out before the landlord finds out anything regarding me."
Bokuto was a vibrating mess. "I need to call Akaashi," he blurted, and then bolted off to his room.
"Who the fuck is Akaashi?"
"His unofficial boyfriend and caretaker," Kuroo said, "y'know… Fukurodani's setter? The pretty one? Perpetually tired expression?"
Daishou dragged his hands down his face with so much force that his face became more wrinkled than an elephant's ass. "Whatever. I don't care. I don't have time for this. You are gonna help me find my snake or so help me god while I live in this apartment I will make both your lives a living hell," Daishou snarled. Kuroo's mild intimidation was thankfully still on the other end of the spectrum from being turned on.
Kuroo narrowed his eyes. "Fuck you," he muttered.
"You know you would," Daishou snapped back.
Just then, Bokuto ran out of his room brandishing a phone.
"'Kaashi says he'll help," he said, vibrating now out of excitement instead of nerves. He showed the phone to Daishou and Kuroo, and on the other ends was someone so pretty it was scary.
"That's your boyfriend?" Daishou gaped.
"Yes," Kuroo said before Bokuto could reply.
"Haha, no Akaashi's not my boyfriend," he said, mildly embarrassed.
"Yeah, someone like you couldn't get him as your boyfriend."
"Wow, okay," Akaashi finally said from the phone.
"Bitch jar," Kuroo barked. Daishou sighed and stuffed money into the overflowing mug that conveniently sat a few inches away from them on a small table near the hall.
"So, you're actually gonna help me find her?" He questioned suspiciously.
The response was an apathetic sure. Akaashi's "sure" seemed Extra Apathetic™.
"But just because I'm a nice person," Kuroo clarified.
"Yeah, sure… anyways, we'll split up into pairs–"
"I'll go with Akaashi," Bokuto interrupted. Daishou and Kuroo shared a glare.
"Problem?" Daishou asked in a sickeningly angelic voice.
"Not at all," Kuroo retaliated through a tight smile.
"Okay," Daishou chirped in a mock-cheerful voice, "you all better find Snake or it will be the last thing you'll do."
"Did he literally name his snake 'snake' in English?" Akaashi asked, voice tinny through the phone.
"Y'know, threats are more threatening if you use them sparingly," Kuroo taunted at Daishou.
Kuroo and Daishou glared at each other one last time before heading off to find the snake.
From the very beginning, working with Daishou was hell. He made snide comments, sexual innuendos at the worst moments, and got emotional about his snake every 5 seconds.
"I just hope she's not scared or lonely," he stated, one-hundred-percent serious.
"There's a snake lost in the building and that's what you're most concerned about? What if it eats a toddler."
"Do you think the toddler would hurt Snake?"
Kuroo facepalmed and held back tears of sheer frustration. This is it, I've died and gone to hell. I always knew it would happen. I didn't think it would be this bad.
"I think your snake will absolutely fine," Kuroo snapped, "other than the fact it has you as an owner."
"Listen, I'll have you know I take very good care of my pets."
"That's surprising."
"I took good care of you, didn't I?" Daishou snapped back.
Kuroo didn't know whether to be offended or reevaluate just how kinky his relationship with Daishou sounded. Instead he (stupidly) said, "You know I don't like you, right? I don't like you how I used to and I certainly don't like you as a person."
"Really, I couldn't tell," Daishou said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. There was a beat of awkward silence.
"I mean, you don't like me either, right?" Kuroo said, hoping to god the answer was 'no.'
"What's there to like?" he snarled.
"Bitch jar," Kuroo replied.
Daishou grumbled and said something along the lines of 'it's a fucking mug,' but handed Kuroo 500 yen anyways.
They continued searching in relative silence.
TWO HOURS LATER
Bokuto was crying, Akaashi was desperately trying to comfort him, Daishou was going on a paranoid rant about how they were trying to get him kicked out, and Kuroo was stress eating everything in the fridge.
"You all just fucking hate me, of course you did this on purpose. You probably killed one of the only good things in my life..." Daishou trailed off but continued mumbling.
"Chill," Kuroo said through a mouth full of takeout food that had definitely been in the fridge too long. "You're stressing us all out to the point of a mental breakdown." Daishou looked like he was about ready to punch Kuroo.
"I'm so sorry I left the door open this is all my fault. I'm really sorry," Bokuto muttered from across the room. Akaashi continued to comfort him through the phone and he gradually seemed to calm down.
"You all did this," Daishou was pacing now, running his hands through his hair.
"Dude can you chill the fuck out?" Kuroo growled. Daishou turned to him and within seconds had him pinned against the wall, Kuroo was definitely scared and horny now.
"I'm gonna require dinner first," he whispered almost threateningly at Daishou.
Daishou pulled away but still stared daggers at Kuroo.
"Listen, as soon as Bokuto calms down we'll find your snake, but for now, you just need to calm down. I can promise you this whole thing was an accident and will be over soon," Kuroo cringed, realizing he was almost comforting Daishou. It seemed to be working though. Kuroo took a deep breath and put all the food containers he had taken out back in the fridge. The notion he might actually be concerned for Daishou crossed his mind, but he shook the thought away and went to find the snake. (Not for Daishou, of course.)
Akaashi, being more of a level headed adult than the actual adults, found the snake. It was three feet up a vending machine two floors down. Bokuto has obliviously walked past it, while Akaashi somehow spotted it through Bokuto's unsteady camera. It appeared to be heading towards the Sun Chips and Bokuto said it had poor taste.
"Well? Get it out." Akaashi instructed.
"What? No! What if it bites me, or–or I accidentally stretch it too much and kill it?" Bokuto looked around frantically like he had been caught naked in the locker room singing Naruto OP 5. "I gotta call Daishou but I don't have his number, but I can't even call Kuroo cuz I'm on the phone with you! GAH!" He collapsed onto his knees as the snake continued its slow ascent to the Sweet and Spicy BBQ Sun Chips.
Akaashi's patience was as thin as the time they had left before calling the fire department became a requirement. "You can hang up with me to call–"
"Don't talk to me Akaashi, I'm grieving!" He wailed. Akaashi sighed and let Bokuto weep for a few seconds. According to his calculations, it should happen in three… two… one….
Bokuto snapped his head up and a lightbulb appeared above his head. "I've got it! I'll go yell up the stairwell!"
Akaashi wondered for the twenty-third time why he was still responsible for a grown man. He thought he'd handed over the job to Kuroo – but if Bokuto's going to keep calling him every time every time he got moderately stressed, at what cost? Bokuto beamed at him through the camera, expecting an approval. Akaashi gave an exhausted go for it, and Bokuto swung at maximum speed around the corner and into the staircase.
"KUROOOOO! DAISHOUUUU!" He yelled in his outside-voice (and to the average human being, Bokuto's inside-voice was equivalent to the normal outside-voice, so Bokuto's outside-voice had about the same effect and volume level of multiple consecutive jet engines). The clicking of Akaashi's volume button would be faintly audible through the phone if it weren't for Bokuto's unacceptable loudness. He glanced back around the corner to make sure that the snake hadn't slithered away from its original position (it was up the machine a bit further but still accessible through the bottom; they wouldn't have to pay ¥311 for it – yet) and yelled up the staircase again.
Within seconds, Kuroo and Daishou came barreling down the staircase at lightning speed – almost headfirst, but not quite.
"Where is she?" Daishou demanded.
"She's headed for the barbeque!" Bokuto blurted.
"What does that mean?" Kuroo butted in.
"The snake's up the vending machine!"
"What?" Daishou bolted around the corner, spotted Snake four-fifths up the vending machine, and screamed. Whether it was out of fear of the dire situation or relief that she was finally in sight and (almost) safe, the others couldn't tell. He dropped to his knees (similarly to how Bokuto did just minutes before, but this time with more determination) and carefully slid Snake out of the machine.
He cradled his snake in his arms and whispered comforting words at her, akin to a mother to her child after a waking nightmare. After a moment, Daishou gingerly draped her across his shoulders and stood up.
"Mission: Success," Kuroo whispered under his breath.
"Thank you for finding her, Bokuto," Daishou said, "and, uh," he nodded towards the phone.
"Akaashi," Akaashi reminded him from the distant phone speaker.
"Akaashi, yes. Thank you for your help." He seemed sincere in his thanks, for once.
"Don't I get a thanks?" Kuroo objected.
"No. You didn't do shit." And just like that the sincerity was gone.
Kuroo insisted they go to dinner, even though he had consumed almost everything in the fridge (while on the verge of tears). They all walked across the street, even though Akaashi couldn't eat anything. Bokuto promised he'd bring him takeout later. Even Daishou went, with his snake draped across his shoulders. He almost seemed content, even though he was kicked out of the restaurant within two minutes of walking in.
They told jokes and referenced memes, and Kuroo and Daishou shot back jokes at each other, as if they'd done it a million times before.
For the first time in a week of living together, everything felt normal. Almost.