Chapter 2 of 27

Present Day

(43 Days later)

You lie extremely still, careful not to move a muscle, to keep your breathing regular, as you try to feign un-consciousness. Your memory is fuzzy but you are aware that something has happened. You know you are back on Moya, in the infirmary, and from the voices around you it's clear you are not alone. You can feel all sorts of wires and things that Zaahn has attached to your body, your head. You hear the muffled sounds of their conversation somewhat distantly. You can't tell if Zaahn knows you're awake , if one of those wires or cables reaches deep inside your brain and tells everyone just what you are thinking. You keep your eyes closed, partly to maintain the illusion, partly because, in all honestly, brave 'fight to the death' soldier that you are, you're not all together certain you CAN move, and the last thing you want is to try make a run for it and end up collapsing in Crichton's arms.

Perhaps that's not the very last thing you might want.

It's not his arms you object to. You wouldn't admit it to anyone, but you felt good inside his arms, you felt safe. But one thing you know about Crichton is that he isn't going to just let this go. If he got hold of you there would be endless amounts of "Talking". Always with the talking. Inevitably leading you to say something to him that causes his eyes to look back at you so much disappointment. Or for him to make some casual remark that cuts right through you, as if he knifed you, and yet he doesn't even realise. And anyway, what kind of explanation could you possibly give him as to the last forty three solar days? So you lie there, trying to be still, and keep your eyes, and your mouth, closed.

Perhaps you are fooling no one, they all know you just don't want to answer them, to talk to them, any of them. That you are trying very hard to will yourself away to someplace...anywhere but here. Stuck here, back on Moya, the one place you promised yourself you would never be again. You feel like every bone in your body is broken, and you are certain some of them are. The physical pain isn't what makes you want to disappear, though. It's the thought of the pathetic picture you make, lying there in the infirmary, the crew of Moya all standing around looking at you, Zaahn poking and prodding, all of them talking about you as if you weren't even there. It's degrading and humiliating, and no way for a soldier to die.

Suddenly you can feel Zaahn pressing her face up against you, and more than that you can feel, in your mind, Zaahn is trying to touch you, to forge some sort of connection for some purpose. But you fight it, instinctively. Because it is an invasion. An invasion of your very soul. No matter how little value your soul may have, its all you have, and she can not have it. You have little physical strength and possibly less inclination to act, to do something, anything. But you are not about to let your mind be taken over by Delvian witchery. What little Zaahn knew already lead her to judge you as heartless and ignorant. Couldn't blame her, not when they had actual video evidence of the cruelty you had inflicted. And really, that was just a day in the life of Officer Aeryn Sun. What they were all so outraged and horrified about was the tip of the iceberg when it came to peacekeeper duty.

Perhaps you should give in and let Zaahn stumble blindly into the darkness of your mind? You wonder just what would happen if you suddenly stopped fighting her and she fell right in. What would she see? What would happen to her? It is a curiosity for certain, and you push that idea aside for a time when you are really desperate. If anything she might be so horror struck at the experience of 'unity' with you that you may have a chance to make your escape. But Zaahn is not alone, and now is not the time.

You can hear voices, not just Crichton and Zaahn, but D'Argo too, and Pilot over the Coms. You don't hear Rygel, this is not surprising, but you don't hear Chianna either. This does surprise you, though it shouldn't. She had promised you that she would not bring you back here. So perhaps she is afraid of what you will do to her. She also promised she wouldn't leave you. So perhaps she is just a person who doesn't keep her promises. You almost smile at that thought...promises...? What had you ever known about promises? And of all the crew on board Moya why expect an intact promise from the runaway Nebari girl? Why did you deserve any loyalty from Chianna, from anyone, you had shown no loyalty to your own people?

Your mind isn't quite that hardened though, not yet, or perhaps not now. You had seen the fear in Chianna's eyes, she did little to hide it. And you can imagine that once you lost consciousness there was nothing anchoring Chianna to her promise, to you. There was nothing left to distract her from her fear, and really, where else was she to go for help? Still, there is that feeling again. When you realise Chianna has broken not one but both of her promises, that feeling like being stabbed, like you couldn't breathe. Pathetic as it was, you believed Chianna when she said she wouldn't leave you. The fact that you believed it, and even sought comfort in it only testifies to your impaired state of mind. After all, you had hit your head, once or twice, along the way. Maybe that's why you believed Chianna when she said everything would be ok. You could overlook the fact she had brought you back here. You lost consciousness and left her alone, and she went running to Crichton like she always does when she is in trouble. You told Chianna all along that she should go back to Moya. But you had been very clear you did not want to go with her. Maybe she had just been waiting for you to lose consciousness so she go running back to Crichton and drag you back here. Maybe Chianna even drugged you. Come to think if it, that last water she had found DID taste strange. And you had certainly endured worse injuries without losing consciousness. Wonderful. On top of all the other frelling dren happening, a grey faced nebari runaway brat was trying to kill you. Or Kidnap you. Maybe she and Crichton were in it together all along. …...

Before you get too carried away, Zaahn voice cuts through your thoughts.

"It's not working." Zaahn admits defeat, as she steps back. Only once you can no longer feel her skin against your own do you miss the touch of someone against you. It had felt uncomfortable at first, Zaahn pressing against you, but you had grown used to the warmth of someone's skin next to your own. The comfort of someone being so close you can hear them breathe.

"What do you mean it's not working?" You hear Crichton demand. "You said you can take people's pain away. I've seen you do it, with dozens of different species, with Moya, a ship, a bio mechaniod ship, and you can't help Aeryn, that's what you're saying?" Crichton yells, as if he is accusing Zaahn of deliberately not trying to reach you.

You almost want to open your eyes and smack him. Tell him that he doesn't have to know every thing about every one all the time. What gives him the right? You want to put that human in his place, tell him Zaaahn did everything she could, but that you do not want Zaahn, or Crichton, or anyone, invading your mind, thank you all the same. So Crichton should shut up and go away. Oh its tempting, but lying here playing dead is so much easier, for now.

"I can share the pain, I can not take it away, and only if the being will allow it." Zaahn explains calmly, ignoring the insinuation in John's voice.

"The being?" Crichton mocks, in that voice, that crazy out of control voice. The voice that scares you because it's one of the first signs that Crichton has been pushed to his limits. Such a little brain capacity as a human has, it should not be surprising that he loses his mind now and then. Hallucinates Scorpious talking to him, or whatever else goes in in that human brain. Still, it was disturbing to see a man crumble to pieces, definitely something you rather not see in him. "You're talking about Aeryn. Not some "being"! She is injured, just do your mind thingy, you can make her better!" Crichton orders, as if his orders alone can magically cause Zaahn to cure you, just because he ordered it. It's funny, because it hadn't offended you in the least being called a "being", wasn't Cricton himself a human "being" ? But Crichton seems to have taken offence on your behalf. Or perhaps it was the opposite. Perhaps you are not even worthy of 'being' anymore.

"I can possibly share her pain, I can not magically cure her." Zaahn points out.

"Are you even trying?" Crichton asks. You can't see his face, you can't see anything, but you can picture it. Down to the way his eyes narrow in accusation.

That's when you hear the slight whirr of Rygel's throne announcing his approach. "Keep the noise down, some of us are trying to sleep you know!" Rygel orders.

You do not open your eyes, you do not have to. Putting together the voices, the sounds, you can hear it all perfectly unfold something like this. John throwing some object at Rygel, taking his frustrations out on Rygel, who as far as you can tell has done nothing to deserve it. Rygel screaming for his life. D'Argo breaking up the argument, silencing everyone with his booming voice. The oddness of the Luxon warrior bring calm to the others.

"Quiet!" D'Argo ordered. And they all fell silent at his command. "Zaahn, you have been doing great so far." Dargo tells her, encouraging her. "Just keep working on it."

You think of D'Argo, of who he is, who he was. A Luxon, a warrior, and enemy. And enemy though he was, you had respect for him, his warrior code of honour, and he for yours. Somehow you had earned each others respect. He, perhaps more so than any other on Moya, understood what it meant to be a warrior, a soldier. The price you paid. And yet here he is, fearsome Luxon warrior, breaking up petty squabbles between the human and his royal eminence, and playing nurse maid to Zaahn. He had changed. Crichton changed him. Crichton changed all of them. It was not right.

"Aeryn has been unconscious for twenty arns, she's not getting any better!" Crichton has lowered his voice but the anger is still very much present. There is passion in his words, passion you don't want to hear, or understand.

Twenty arns, you take hold of that information. Though you had been aware of your surroundings for some time, it had been an arn, at most, since you woke here in the infirmary. That left 19 arns unaccounted for. 19 arns since you closed your eyes, listening to Chianna promise you that everything would be ok, that she wouldn't leave you, that she wouldn't take you back to Moya. Finally, you grew weary, finally, you believed her. With the last bit of strength you reached for Chianna, grabbing her by the shoulder. "Promise me, whatever else happens, Promise me you won't tell any of this to Crichton." She promised. You closed your eyes. And 19 arns later, you woke up here. You feel invaded, all that unaccounted time, what had they been doing with you? And what had Chianna been saying?

"She is no worse." Zaahn tells them all. "That's all I can do for now, I'm giving her nutrients, I've dressed her wounds, I've used a serum with partial DNA from pilot to help stabilise her. I've healed most of the fractures, I can't heal her rib fractures until her blood pressure and respiratory function stabilises. In any case, I'm not sure I should heal them all straight away, perhaps the pain will be the thing that causes her to wake up."

"So you can't wake her up, you can't share her pain, and you want to leave her in agony with multiple fractured ribs, because that might make her wake up? That's what you're going with, Zaahn? That's your story?" Crichton asks.

"I can not reach her, John. That Is the truth." Zaahn maintains.

"Maybe you don't want to reach her, maybe you want her to suffer, maybe you're just not trying hard enough?" Crichton comes right out and says it.

"I have no reason to wish to see Aeryn come to harm." Zaahn bites back, a hint of defensiveness in her tone. "We are all exhausted, we are all doing out best. It's as if she wont let me connect with her. As if she is blocking me somehow." Zaahn tells him. "I can not connect to her, and yes I think healing the fractures at this stage would actually compromise her respiratory function, as well as the fact that yes pain might cause her to wake up. My knowledge of peacekeepers is limited, but I understand that pain can bring someone out of an unconscious state, some kind of built in battle defence, the greater their wounds, the more adrenalin released which brings about heightened strength."

"I too have seen this happen to peacekeepers in battle." D'Argo interjects just a microt before Crichton really loses it.

"She is not a peacekeeper!" John shouts so loudly that you flinch even though you are trying to make a pretence of being unconscious. He doesn't notice though, he is busy yelling at Zaahn.

"She WAS a peacekeeper, John." Zaahn tells him. "She has undergone peacekeeper training her entire life, indoctrination, education, medical treatments, vaccinations, genetic modifications, all peacekeeper. It's possible that she has some sort of mind block preventing me from reaching her, some sort of defence mechanism."

"But you never encountered this with any other peace keeper you healed?" Crichton asks dubiously.

"I've never tried to share pain with a peacekeeper. I've never had reason to." Zaahn tells him the simple truth. Fact is , Peacekeepers and Delvians were natural enemies, Zaahn was aboard a peacekeeper prison ship, why should she have had any inclination to help a peacekeeper before? And why should this be so shocking to Crichton?

"So you don't know thats why it's not working? Maybe it's not working because you don't want it to?" John keeps digging away at Zaahn as if that will somehow get him what he wants.

"Maybe, John, it's not working because Aeryn doesn't want it to." is Zaahns quite clever come back, deflecting the attention from herself right back to you.