The rest of the week had gone well for Santana, all things considered, which had been something of a surprise given she'd been outed to some of the school's worst gossips. She almost admired the restraint Kurt and Mercedes were showing by not talking about her at school or spreading any news about her; Finn, well, she just knew Rachel was playing on his competitive yearning heart to keep him silent. Either way, she was still free as a bird in terms of harassment about her sexuality, and Rachel had given her the support she needed to hear from the diva, so she made the most of the rest of Thursday and Friday. Once more, she was escorting Rachel to classes most of the time, with Britt filling in for her on classes the two shared.
And in those few moments escorting Rachel, she let herself treat the diva like she did Britt and sometimes Quinn; it was something she was trying to work on, because for years she was so closed off in public, but she knew her friends liked it when she openly supported them, and Rachel deserved more than Santana using Britt on her as a middleman for her affection. She knew that Britt liked hugs, playful nudges and pinkie-linking, that Quinn liked those moments before school and during lunch where they just stood by their lockers and took a breather, leaning on each other a little. And she knew that when Quinn was thinking of Beth, that the blonde liked the odd waist squeeze or hand-holding. With Britt, it was all overt affection, while Quinn preferred more subtle forms.
And Rachel, well, she seemed to like anything and everything Santana threw her way. Whether it was something as small as a wink, as basic as a hug at the start of the day, or a compliment about anything from her appearance to her talent, Rachel seemed to eagerly soak it all in, and people quickly started seeing the diva as another Brittany instead of giving Santana crap. And when Rachel sang her a song in glee on Friday, a k.d. Lang song about having the right to love, of all things, that just blew her mind. Enough for her to give Rachel a hug and a fleeting, somewhat sneaky kiss on the cheek. I mean seriously…she sang about something like that in front of everyone and she looked so freaking sincere about it, and I just couldn't help myself! What was I supposed to do, give her a stiff nod when I know she preferred a hug? Damn right I'll give her a hug! And, like, a kiss or whatever, because no one in glee's sung me a song before, and it was kind of really nice, and I wanted her to know that. Is that a crime? I mean, I'm sure she wouldn't take it badly or anything… she mused to herself as she walked into her kitchen, recalling how confused some of the gleeks got when she hugged the diva, the affectionate gesture far from normal behavior given her history. However, she knew her behavior would be changing, and that Finn could glare at her all he wanted, that it wouldn't stop her. Not my fault their friendship is on the rocks…
Anyway, her week had gone quite well, and her Saturday was already off to a great start, what with Britt and Quinn arriving early that afternoon to hang out, cook, and generally set up the den into a killer sleepover zone. Santana had rarely stopped smiling throughout the whole day, just happy that she was going to be able to spend some private time with her favourite girls. After months of incredibly minimal time together, it felt blissful to have already had a few nights together with them in less than a week. Sure, she expected that kind of regularity to taper off after a while still, but she had hope that they wouldn't forget her again.
Sure, there was still a chance of that happening but as Santana watched both girls finishing up the food preparation for the night, namely fajitas with both vegan and non-vegan options, she had a feeling that they would last. Certainly at least until the end of senior year, but maybe even after that. It was a good, warm feeling in her chest that only bloomed that much more when she heard the doorbell ring.
Santana waved the girls off, gesturing for them to just finish up while she got the door. It wasn't as if she was entirely helpless or anything, she was just a little sore, slightly weakened from her bum leg and a mangled arm. No biggie. Or, well, okay it was kind of big, but it didn't mean she couldn't get a goddamn door and let Rachel in. As if she was going to let someone else see that smile before she did.
She opened the door with only minimal difficulty and just basked in the bright excited smile Rachel was giving her. "Good evening, Santana! I'm sorry for being late, there was a traffic accident on the corner of Frost and Gilmore and sadly, many motorists didn't understand the proper etiquette for driving through intersections with nonfunctional lights, which in turn caused some impatient motorists to halt the flow of traffic, thus forcing me to be late, and…" Rachel rambled nervously, though the smile on her face was still bright and genuine, so she knew Rachel wasn't that distressed. And a quick glance at her watch showed that Rachel was a bit off in her assessment.
"Rachel, you're three minutes early. And let me at least take care of one of those bags for you, you're not my pack mule or anything." Santana noted playfully, quickly grabbing a paper bag with some bulk collections of pretzels, trail mix, and other healthy snacks that she shouldn't have been surprised to see. Rachel pouted slightly, but stepped into the house and gave Santana an appraising full-body glance to probably ensure she was okay. Rachel had been doing that a lot whenever she did anything remotely strenuous, which Santana supposed made sense. "I'm fine, Rach. You can take your bag into the den if you like."
Rachel nodded and quickly moved toward the room they'd all be sharing, and she couldn't help but smile at the bounce in Rachel's footsteps. She was pretty sure the diva had only rarely been invited to sleepovers, so she hoped her newest friend would enjoy it. All in all, it was ramping up to be a good night; good food, good company, plenty of shit to watch, plenty of couch to sit on, plenty of bed to sleep on.
Once they'd settled into the den with their food, all piled onto the couch that just barely fit the four of them comfortably, the debates on what to watch started. Anything from her collection was fair game, which more or less had Santana pretty neutral about it all; either way, they'd be watching something she liked, so she didn't see the point in arguing. Brittany wanted an animal-themed Disney movie marathon, but Quinn and Santana used their vetoes on that because it would mean watching Fox & the Hound, a film they specifically put in a mandatory 2 year minimum time window for between watches. It was just really fucking sad, alright? No one needed to see her and Quinn weeping through a movie that somewhat closely resembled their own personal relationship through their high school years. It just wasn't going to happen.
Rachel, of course, wanted a musical-themed marathon, but Santana only really had Disney movies and RENT. Brittany had been coming dangerously close to siding with Rachel on her little campaign, though, which was both kind of amusing and terrifying, because a night of musicals would be potentially too much for Santana's ears to handle. Even if she could imagine Rachel singing along to each song all cute-like. Thankfully, Quinn seemed to remember something everyone had forgotten.
"Wait, this was supposed to be a TV show marathon night…right?" the blonde asked, her voice desperate and hopeful, clearly not having wanted to get roped into a night of musicals as well. Santana's eyes flickered over to see Rachel about to respond, before stilling, a frown forming on her face.
"I…I think that is correct Quinn." Rachel noted somberly, ducking her head ever so slightly in clear disappointment. "I do believe Santana informed me that she planned to watch a string of episodes from a TV show."
It sucked that Rachel was clearly pretty bummed out, but she had hopes that the girl would like whatever they ended up selecting. "Thanks for reminding me, Quinn." She whispered into her friend's ear, giving her a thankful little nudge. Sure, it was only temporary, but that day they could claim victory over musicals. "So crime procedurals are out, because that's me and Q's thing, but everything else is fair game, ladies." Santana added, which Quinn seemed to approve of, given that the girl shifted her weight a bit and lightly leaned against her. While it had never been super official or anything that they had a 'thing', she knew that blondie really loved those types of shows, and so did she, while Britt was more or less indifferent, so whenever they'd be alone for some TV watching, it usually ended up being one of those. So it was a 'thing', Santana figured, and labeling it properly only seemed fair. And it was nice, having something officially just hers and Quinn's.
"Let's watch something in space." Britt stated, her immediate excitement cluing Santana into the notion that the dancer may have thought of something specific.
"Anything in particular, B?" All heads turned to the taller girl, who was practically bouncing in her seat like an over-excited corgi or something. As with most things Brittany-related, it was kind of an adorable sight, warming her heart to see her friend so carefree and happy.
Britt nodded quickly and smiled brightly. "Rocket Robin Hood!" The girl's breathless delivery was just too much for her to take, and she couldn't suppress her laughter even if she tried. She really should have seen it coming. Cartoons, of course…and that fucking goddamn miserable one she always made me watch when we were younger…fuck, I already used my veto!
Santana turned her head from Britt and gave Rachel a pleading look, mouthing 'veto' to the diva, which apparently Rachel thought was more amusing than anything. Berry just wasn't aware of how tremendously horrible the show was, and she really didn't want the girl to find out. Britt, Santana knew, was too excited to back down from it, and Quinn liked cartoons as well, so without Rachel opposing it, it all looked bleak.
"Well, I could certainly imagine myself enjoying tales of Robin Hood, all within the context of apparently modern times or in some futuristic science fiction context…" Rachel began, earning a bright, hopeful expression from Britt. It sucked, because Santana really didn't want to disappoint Britt, but she also didn't want to sit through a marathon of one of the worst cartoons she'd ever witnessed. "…However, I can't help but ask why there is such a large collection of Battlestar Galactica box sets on your shelf when I haven't seen any of them in my father's personal collection."
And right then, Santana was pretty sure she'd never wanted to kiss Rachel so badly, because like an angel sent down from heaven, the girl had just saved her from Rocket Robin Hood. It was a miracle!
"WHAT?!" Quinn yelled out, jumping off the couch as if it was on fire, her hazel eyes wide and focused on the diva who immediately cowered against Santana at the outburst. "Tell me you've at least heard about the new series of BSG, Rachel! I mean…oh my god…your father's probably one of those purists! I…how can I even be in the same room with…"
"Easy, Q. You know I'm up for showing her what she's been missing." Santana noted with her best soothing voice, knowing that when Lucy's inner-geek flared up, the girl could really say some pretty weird stuff, and it was already bordering on insulting where she stopped her. She turned and gently unlatched Rachel from her side, the girl quite reluctant to untangle the arms she had wrapped around Santana's bicep. It was a wonderful feeling to have Rachel holding her like that, sure, but that stuff could happen later, when the Rocket Robin Hood threat was utterly annihilated. "Rach, I think you'd like it. It's a drama of an epic story, with a lot of complex, human characters. And it has a great score."
She watched the diva's face contort slightly as the girl considered the options available, hoping and praying Rachel made the right decision. The pilot episode for Battlestar Galactica was pretty damn good, and she knew Berry would probably get reeled in by the tension and drama. Rocket Robin Hood promised nothing but tears and despair.
"I'm sorry Brittany, but I have a soft spot for dramatic stories. I'm going to have to side with the Battlestar Galactica selection." Rachel said, and it was probably the most beautiful two sentences she'd heard all day.
Surprisingly, Brittany only shrugged. "It's okay, Rach. Helo and Apollo are, like, super hot, and there are really cool ships in space and everything. We can watch Rocket Robin Hood next time." The tall blonde noted nonchalantly, though if Santana could help it, that show would never, ever be playing within the walls of her home again.
Quinn was at least relieved enough that Rachel would expose herself to some sci-fi greatness to cut the diva some slack, and kept quiet as they started the first episode. Predictably, Rachel quickly invested herself in the show, the diva often pressed tightly against Santana in order to whisper occasional questions in her ear. And, of course, to have someone to cling to in tense moments. It was all pretty awesome, in Santana's eyes.
Midway through the second episode, though, she saw a familiar sight and just had to comment on it. Santana lightly prodded Rachel to get her attention, and then pointed over to Quinn, who was leaning forward and entirely enraptured by the scene on the screen. "Wanna know something funny?" she whispered, earning a curious nod from the small diva, who kept peeking past Santana at the spellbound blonde. "Quinn has the hugest girl crush on Boomer."
Rachel's eyes went wide as the diva looked long and hard at Quinn, seeming to take in every since detail of her expression before turning back to Santana. "But…Quinn's straight, right?"
Santana bit back a laugh and nodded. "Well, yeah, but it doesn't change that if Boomer was a real life person, Q would drop everything and try to romance the shit out of her. I mean, sure it probably wouldn't work out, because…well, you'll find out later, and it's not like Boomer's a real complex person, but there's one episode in this series that she will always drool in. It's ridiculous." Santana mused openly, finding the whole thing ridiculously amusing. Well, she was able to find it amusing now; before, back when Lucy's crush on Boomer began, Santana thought it was a clear sign that the blonde was into girls. Sadly, she'd been mistaken; Quinn was into cylon girls with pretty faces who could pilot aircraft. There was apparently a difference, and she'd eventually learned that, and became used to it. At least, enough to be able to laugh to herself about it, which was something she liked to call progress.
"What if Quinn had a girl crush on the actress who plays Boomer? Is she not physically attracted to her as well?" Rachel asked, and while it was starting to veer off-topic, Santana figured she could answer it. Besides, she'd watched the whole series a number of times over, especially the first two seasons.
"Uhhh…well, I guess she'd be something other than straight at that point if she was into some real life lady loving. But Q likes Boomer's story, what she goes through, her personality quirks and characteristics and shit…I mean, sure, she's probably a little attracted, but I figure it's only because she'd remind her of Boomer." Santana explained, trying to make as much sense of Quinn's infatuation as she could, given the circumstances. "And, like, it's a crush. Not every crush starts because someone's hot or pretty or whatever. Super ugly people get together all the time, and it's not like it's only because they're settling or some shit, right? People can like people for all kinds of reasons."
Rachel's face scrunched up as the girl seemed to slip deep into thought, and while she would have been happy to answer more of the diva's questions, she wasn't put off by the girl's silence over the next few episodes. Instead, it just made the occasional leaning, squeezing and shocked gasps all that more enjoyable. Which probably makes me some ridiculous sap or some shit, but fuck it…I'm, like…kind of addicted to how adorable she is. Whatever, it's totes legit…I mean…just freaking look at her…
They made it through nearly the entire first season by the time Santana realized that Brittany was asleep, much of her body draped across her and Quinn's laps. The other blonde was squinting at the screen, clearly tired, but not tired enough to give up on the marathon quite yet. And Rachel, well she was cuddled up against Santana, fighting to stay awake.
On most occasions, she'd simply go through the full season, but Santana knew Rachel had likely been up before everyone, and probably needed some good quality sleep in order to not mess with her sleep schedule. Deciding to be diplomatic, she gave Quinn a light nudge, gathering the tired girl's attention.
"Hey…Britt's asleep, and Rachel won't be able to appreciate the final episode if she's blacking out for half of it. We should finish off here, Q." she reasoned, and after a few lengthy seconds of consideration, the blonde nodded and shrugged, shutting off the DVD player and TV.
Santana knew that Britt and Quinn wouldn't take long in the bathroom, so she let those two commandeer it while she and Rachel got the bed ready, the diva insisting to do the brunt of the work despite yawning non-stop. It was only because she was in a fantastic mood that she let Berry boss her around, really, letting the girl shoo her toward the bathroom when the blondes returned. Santana still hated her crutches, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world, and in a few weeks, she'd be rid of them. Until then, though, B, Q and Rach are probably going to be all over me, tripping over themselves to help…and…well, maybe I don't mind that so much so long as they don't treat me like an invalid.
It didn't take long to get ready for bed; she hadn't really put much of any makeup on, so she mostly just washed her face and hands, cleaned her teeth, and then ushered Rachel in so the diva could do her nightly ritual. Feeling quite tired, she slowly made her way back to the den on her slightly unwieldy crutches, stilling at the doorframe at the sight before her. Britt and Quinn had apparently flamed out during her short absence, the dancer having managed to splay herself across Blondie in a position she'd consider uncomfortable if she didn't know the taller girl's sleeping habits. Happy that the girls had at least left her some room, she managed her way over to the bedside and slipped under the covers admittedly waiting eagerly for the last girl to arrive.
Santana wasn't about to readily admit it to much of anyone, but she'd really liked sleeping with the diva during their weekend adventure. It wasn't something that she found easy to describe, even after days of internal deliberation. Sure, Santana knew she had a pretty decent-sized crush on the smaller girl, and that Rachel was soft and cozy and ridiculously cute. Those things made the whole experience enjoyable for sure, and it explained why she'd fall asleep with a smile on her face. I mean, all that explains a lot of shit but it doesn't…it doesn't explain how…well, for a lack of a better word, serene I feel when I have her close to me. She makes everything just feel…more, I guess. I just wish I could find the words…and…
Her breath caught in her throat, just seeing Rachel slink into the room, carefully closing the door behind her. Santana had seen Rachel wearing more provocative clothing, certainly, and she'd seen Rachel all dirty and sweaty and ridiculously hot, but it was different to see her in her sleep shorts and camisole. She couldn't help but feel it was a teensy bit intimate, and still would have been if it was winter and the girl was wearing some ridiculous pink flannel onesie. The previous weekend's excursion gave her a rather accidental glimpse at what it would be like, but she wasn't ready for a fresh-faced Rachel shyly tiptoeing toward the bed at a snail's pace in an attempt to not wake the blondes. It was just too intimate and cute and her brain was quickly becoming mush.
Santana wanted to laugh, because both of her oldest friends were pretty deep sleepers, and even if Rachel was hopping around instead of tiptoeing like some weird cartoon character, they wouldn't hear her. Still, she didn't have the heart to distract the girl from her careful steps, so she waited patiently until the diva got close enough before pulling back the covers for her to get in. Rachel looked entirely accomplished when she slid in directly beside Santana, probably thinking she'd done something equivalent of braving a dragon's den or whatever, given her odd fear of Quinn. Though I can't complain, she was cuddled up against me all night after Q's angry nerdgasm over BSG…
She opened her arms as a signal for the girl to curl into her, but Rachel surprisingly looked hesitant, which had red flags popping up in her head. Still, while it sucked, Santana knew it was Rachel's call to make in the end. "Hey, no worries. Let's just get some rest, estrella, okay?" She asked in hushed tones, knowing she could speak at a normal level, but figuring she'd go along with the diva's game of being as quiet as possible.
"It's not that, San. I…well…" Rachel's soft voice was all she cared to hear at the moment, unconsciously shifting slightly toward the smaller girl to hear her better. After a few moments of silence, she cocked an eyebrow, silently asking her to continue. "I was wondering…well…canIbethebigspoon?"
Santana had to focus to hear that last jumble of words, but once she processed them, she couldn't help but snicker a little, earning a little perturbed pout on Berry's very kissable looking lips. "You want to jetpack me? Be my little koala hanging on my back?" she murmured, ridiculously amused at the proposition and teasing potential.
Rachel, of course, huffed, and would have stomped her foot had she been standing. It was pretty adorable. "I'm not that much smaller than you!" the girl whispered loudly and petulantly, before schooling her features into a look of concern. "Besides, you've always been holding me, and it's admittedly rather wonderful, but I don't want you to think you're not worth holding either, and I've also sort of always wanted to be the big spoon as well at least once in my life, and thought that this would be a nice time for that to happen, what with you hurt, and it would really make me feel better and like I was helping if I could do this, and while I may…"
Santana had heard plenty, and while she was still tremendously amused at the whole idea, as well as with Rachel's rant, she pressed a finger to the girl's lips to still her for a moment. "You had me at 'it would really make me feel better', Rach. Now, I have one important question to ask you." Santana noted with a smirk, enjoying the bright, excited smile on Rachel's lips as the girl awaited her very serious question of great importance. "Are you my jetpack, or my baby koala? Answer right, and you're my big spoon tonight."
Rachel looked about to protest before her mouth clamped shut, the girl visibly slipping into her thoughts as she mulled the question over. Not that it was a difficult question, or that she wouldn't give in either way; she just wanted to stay awake under the covers with the girl a little longer. Santana just couldn't help but want a little more time.
"I…think I will commit to baby koala. Final answer." Rachel noted with a goofy smile, because of course she'd pull out a dorky game-show reference like that.
Santana stared at the hopeful girl for a few lengthy seconds before breaking out into a grin. "Yep! But why?" she asked as she shifted onto her side, giving Rachel her back in what would probably be a ridiculous looking sleeping position. Not that she was a lot taller than Rachel, but still. Three inches was three inches.
She soon felt Rachel's arms sliding around her waist, clasping by her bellybutton as the girl pressed herself close against Santana's back. "How about you tell me, Tana?"
Santana chuckled at the response, having expected Rachel to honestly answer it. It seemed the girl was getting a little playful, given her tone. "Well, you're smaller than me, of course, and you're nice to cuddle with." She admitted, totally blushing because fuck if she was just going to close Rachel off when she was feeling so happy and secure. Sure, she wasn't going to tell the girl it was the best right answer because it had a term of endearment in it, but whatever. "You're cute too, but super feisty. And you've got a nose on you, but again…it's cute. Koalas like their sleep, they love eating leaves and rabbit food, they're good at climbing trees, and…they're rare. So yeah."
Rachel lightly nuzzling the back of her neck was answer enough that the girl appreciated it, or at least Santana hoped she did. She WAS being nice, after all, and maybe Berry just didn't expect that sort of answer. Either way, she didn't really care anymore, because she really liked Rachel holding her close, the girl's warm breath against her neck and shoulder was tremendously soothing.
"Santana?" She heard the diva whisper against her neck, needing to fight off the full-body shiver the girl's voice threatened to elicit. She hummed a response, too focused on not physically reacting to the girl just breathing out her name so softly and smoothly like that. "Do you…do you have a girl crush like Quinn?"
The question was odd, but she knew Rachel was sleepy, and was probably just letting any free thoughts slip out of her mouth, whether or not they made much sense. "Estrella, all my crushes are girl crushes. Do you mean, like, on a TV character or whatever?" Santana felt Rachel nod against her, the light pressure of the girl's nose feeling pretty fantastic against the side of her neck. It made it hard to focus on the girl's question, especially since she really didn't crush on fictional characters. Not in a long time, at least. Still, Santana figured that she could use the opportunity to kind of put herself out there, because while it wasn't likely that Rachel was into her, there wasn't any harm in alluding to potential interest, right? "I guess…the closest would be Dr. Isles from Rizzoli and Isles…if I had to choose one."
Santana heard Rachel hum in wonder, clearly processing that information. It only took a moment, though, before the tiny koala on her back was at it again. "I always thought you'd be the kind who'd feel something for Buffy, or all the characters Michelle Rodriguez plays. Why her?" The diva admitted sheepishly, and she wasn't too far off. Santana really liked both of those actresses and their work, but she wasn't into them like that. Not really.
"Why not? She's smart, talented, beautiful, passionate, cute, and funny. Not to mention she's loyal as hell and would be quirky enough to keep me on my toes with her perfectionism and patience." She explained, being vague in hopes that Berry would at least acknowledge that she would fit her interests rather seamlessly. The diva didn't seem the type to be anything but flattered if she wasn't interested after finding out, anyway, so Santana figured there was only minimal risk.
"And that's your type?" Rachel prodded, apparently wanting to milk more details out of her. Hell, I'll bite…not like I didn't just tip my hand…
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, there's other stuff too, but I need someone who can keep up with me, but isn't too similar, you know? I like smart, passionate women who know what they want, whether it's their dreams or who they want to spend their time with. Someone whose head and heart are in the right place." Santana hoped that her words were sinking in, and that she wasn't leaving anything major to question. All she could hope is that come the morning, Rachel would remember.
But for now, with Rachel's arms hugging her tightly, and the girl's breaths falling into a soft, steady rhythm, she figured she'd just enjoy this. "Sleep tight, Rach."
The content, sleepy mumble from the diva was enough comfort to know that at least the girl wasn't totally asleep, and more importantly, was comfy.
Rachel woke early the next morning, feeling entirely content with Santana's cozy body in her arms. It gave her a similar sort of warmth in her chest as during their weekend adventure, but it felt slightly different; just knowing that she was keeping watch over Santana, and that the girl was entirely at peace in her care, was wonderful. Under normal circumstances, she would have been out of the bed as soon as her internal alarm clock woke her, but Rachel decided that a few more minutes cuddling the sleeping girl's body was alright, especially given that she hadn't brought her running gear, and there wasn't an elliptical machine nearby.
The previous night had been incredibly pleasant for the most part; there was one moment when Quinn had an angry outburst, but Santana had calmed the blonde and acted as a shield between the two, rendering it only a minor blip of unpleasantness. The fajitas had been incredibly tasty, so she'd been rather full and happy when it had come around to choosing what to watch. Rachel had hoped for something with music, but they'd all decided on a new version of Battlestar Galactica, which was ultimately a riveting dramatic tale that had managed to steal most of her attention. The final portion was taken up by Santana, who she occasionally used as a human tension ball and pillow, given how tense the show was at times. It was simply nice to have her there to hold onto and cuddle with throughout the marathon, and across their few verbal interactions, she'd proven thought provoking.
The remarks on Quinn's 'girl crush' had managed to get Rachel thinking about her own, and whether it compared. She'd broken her situation with Santana down into two potential entities, 'Hero Santana' and 'Real Santana', figuring that if she was harboring romantic feelings due to Santana's heroism, it was equivalent to crushing on a fictional character, like Quinn was. Yet, as she broke the characteristics of her attraction down, the more convinced she was that she actually liked Santana.
Rachel enjoyed Santana for a plethora of reasons, and had managed to create a rather extensive mental list. Among many other things, Santana was sweet and kind to her, she was patient, she was thoughtful and understanding, she was loyal and intelligent, she was athletic and beautiful, and her voice was wonderful. And she was really comfortable to hold or be held by. Rachel had come to the conclusion that yes, she had a legitimate crush on Santana, but much like how Santana said, her reasons varied from Quinn's. Where the blonde was rendered an infatuated, drooling mess at the intimate scenes with Boomer, or when the girl was scantily clad, Rachel could admit that all the seeds for love were growing within her when it came to Santana. It was her lust that wasn't a complete picture yet; she'd been awe-struck and shocked when Santana had crawled into the tent all nude, and she hadn't been able to ponder that reaction before the storm hit. So while Rachel felt Santana was gorgeous, and there was an indescribable pull to her, she couldn't quite say she was sexually attracted to a significant degree yet. She just hadn't been exposed to enough situations with the girl that were more sexual or sensual in nature. Which, of course, only created more unknown variables, and provided more questions regarding her own sexuality than she had going in.
However, if there was one thing that Rachel was fairly sure of, it was that Santana could possibly see her romantically. The girl had been rather vague in listing out what her 'type' had been, but she was pretty sure that she fit the former cheerleader's criteria fairly well. Sure, Rachel knew she wasn't the most beautiful person, or the cutest for that matter, and that she didn't have the greatest sense of humour. Still, she fit the more narrowed description Santana gave, knowing that she did have her head and heart in the right place most times, and that she was unapologetically ambitious and didn't shy away from what or who she wanted. It's just a tricky situation…I just gained her friendship, can I just try for more before I know the full spectrum of what I feel for her? Would that honestly be fair? She wondered as she carefully slipped her arms out from around the girl and made her way out of the bed, making sure to pull the comforter around her crush. And maybe she planted a light kiss to her temple before leaving, as well, and maybe it felt really nice.
After taking a few minutes to refresh herself in the bathroom and completely rinse the sleep from her face, Rachel strolled into the kitchen, only to find Quinn there, starting to prepare breakfast. Thinking back, she didn't see anyone aside from Santana and Brittany when she left the bed, so the blonde must have been awake before her. Which, in all honesty, was slightly odd, given how often she'd been given flak for her early morning routines.
"Why hello, Quinn! I trust you had a nice sleep?" Rachel asked as cheerfully as she could manage, given how scary Quinn was to her still. Sure, the last week had toned down her terror Quinntensity levels a fair bit, but the blonde still had her moments where the angry, vicious ice-queen would pop out. Rachel really, desperately wanted to avoid such a moment, especially since they were alone.
Thankfully, Quinn just shot her a warm smile before returning her focus to the batter she was preparing. "I cut up some fruit for you, it's on the island if you're hungry." The girl noted, though where her smile had been warm, her voice was clearly not as convincing in its attempt to come across as content.
Still, Rachel decided not to pry, and moseyed herself over to the island, taking a seat on the stool closest to the bowl of fruit. There were pear and peach slices, raspberries, cut up strawberries, a few blueberries, and some banana slices. All in all, a nice morning snack that she quickly dug into using the fork Quinn had been courteous enough to provide in advance. "Thank you, Quinn. Do you need any help with the rest of the breakfast preparations?"
"Oh, no, I'm fine. It relaxes me." Quinn spoke, sounding a little more at ease with her back turned to Rachel, but there was still an audible nervousness in the girl's voice that Rachel couldn't ignore. She knew she'd probably regret it later on, but she couldn't just let that be.
"Are you stressed about the rest of your final exams?" Rachel asked deciding to test the waters with the most likely possibility, and use whatever evidence came up afterward to hone in on the real issue.
Quinn waved her hand dismissively as she poured some batter into the frying pan. "No, nothing like that. I'm prepared enough for those."
That had been the first remotely steady response she'd heard all morning, so Rachel decided to press a bit further, to see what Quinn would freely give her. "Quinn, I'd like to believe that I'm your friend, and while I know and support you keeping personal matters private, I've been told I'm a good listener. By Santana of all people." She added that last statement as emphasis, not quite recalling if Santana said as much in those exact words, but she knew that she girl wouldn't have talked about so much with her had she not been.
Quinn simply continued her preparation, flipping up six pancakes before taking the pan off the heat and turning around to face Rachel. She looked nervous and a bit conflicted, but her gaze was unyieldingly focused on Rachel's own. "You can't tell Santana or Brittany. Under no circumstances can you say a word of it, or insinuate..."
"I promise. As someone who has her own secrets and keeps them close to her chest, I can fully appreciate the need for secrecy, Quinn." Rachel noted softly, feeling a little brave and foolhardy for daring to interrupt the blonde, but thankfully the girl just crossed the floor and sat across from her.
"It's hard to explain, but maybe…talking about it will help?" Quinn mumbled more to herself than anyone else, though she was clearly audible with Rachel sitting so close. "Sometimes I just have these moments where I feel too much, and it gets confusing…and overwhelming. And it's like…I need something to anchor me, to remind me there are three meals in a day, that we have school, and practices. That 'The Amazing Race' is on in the evening, and that my friends are a phone call away if I want them, and a phone call away if I don't."
Rachel considered the blonde's words for a moment, but they were mostly all flash and no substance, all details of things that she couldn't appreciate without first understanding the context. "What sort of feelings?"
Quinn let out a long sigh and ran a surprisingly shaky hand through her hair, apparently not used to approaching this topic enough to be able to keep her reactions masked. Either that, or the blonde was letting Rachel see her, which would be wonderful if true. "Ones I'm not supposed to have. Not anymore. I…you probably don't understand."
She could see the sheer conflict on Quinn's face as she struggled with her words, but there was some familiarity there. There was this fairly intense faraway look in the blonde's eyes that reminded her of how Santana looked when discussing Brittany. "No, I'm sorry, Quinn. But there's no rush to find the right words…take your time, and eat your pancakes while you think."
Quinn nodded and happily took the opportunity for a distraction, even if it was a temporary one. Rachel just watched the girl mow down three of the things before daintily placing her fork down in its proper place, as if she hadn't just devoured a plate of food greedily. "I'm not a natural blonde." The girl spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, and Rachel could tell the admission was tremendously difficult for her to make. "One day, I just made the decision to be a blonde, like the rest of my family, like…like how I was supposed to be. Like how I should have been. I was the black sheep of the family, the disgrace, so I fixed myself and took a better name."
Rachel nodded slowly, taking in the new information; honestly, she couldn't help but be impressed by the level of commitment Quinn took in ensuring her roots never showed. It was something she would have noticed for sure in the past, and that she hadn't was a fairly large surprise. "I didn't know…but I want you to know, Quinn, that your hair colour is your choice, you're still Quinn with or without it."
"Is that honestly, true?" Quinn's response was fast, but lacked the harshness or anger she was used to in such exchanges, the girl's tone sadder than anything else. "I mean, that's the problem, isn't it?"
Rachel couldn't help but give the blonde a puzzled look as she considered the girl's questions, not quite understanding where the problem was, or why it wouldn't be true. Quinn didn't follow up her statements, instead deciding to hand-pick bits from her bowl of fruit to snack on nervously. It was terribly frustrating, trying to decipher the girl's words on such little working knowledge. She kept going over and over everything she knew about Quinn, not able to find anything that could possibly explain the blonde's worries. At least, until Rachel realized she was thinking about it from the wrong perspective.
"You made yourself into someone you thought you had to be, someone you thought you were supposed to be, until you were." Rachel stated confidently, drawing Quinn's eyes away from the fruit bowl and back to her own coffee brown set. The sigh and stiff nod were more of an answer than she thought she'd receive, so she decided to keep guessing openly, hoping that if she made any mistakes in her judgment, the blonde would correct her. "It's been a long time since you were that person you left behind, or at least maybe you've forgotten a lot about her. And if you ever stopped being vigilant with your hair, if you ever wanted to go brunette, it would destroy your reality, because all you'd have to do is stop dying it, and you'd lose a critical piece of the foundation that you built Quinn Fabray from. That you're always dealing with 'someone else' potentially naturally coming out, showing through."
Again, Quinn nodded, the frown deepening on her face as Rachel predicted what the issue was. And certainly, she didn't have an answer for the blonde, at least not right then. The girl had clearly made incredible efforts to repurpose herself into some ideal figure, founded primarily around her physical image, and likely secondarily from her social image. Not having been privy to Quinn's previous experiences, she couldn't possibly discern what was hand-crafted in the quest for perfection, and what was deemed satisfactory enough to translate across from the past to the present. That she changed names only made it trickier, framing it all as if she'd went from being one girl into a completely different one, when Rachel was fairly certain that the reality of the situation was quite different. But for Quinn, from the inside looking out, it was probably like being under the threat of all the previous insecurities that made her feel forced to change in the first place. "This isn't at all about hair colour, though, is it?"
It was a rhetorical question, but Rachel was happy that Quinn answered anyway. "No. Sometimes, things happen and it makes me wonder…" the girl started, before choking on her words slightly, which was apparently not allowed, so all speech was halted. Rachel reached out a hand for the blonde to take in hopes it would help, and surprisingly Quinn took it and clenched it tightly. "It makes me wonder if I can change a little, or if it'll destroy me. Being pregnant almost did."
And that honestly wasn't a question that Rachel felt qualified to answer, but as she thought about it, it didn't seem to be one that was in terrible need of an answer anyway. "Isn't it worth a try? Quinn, you have friends and family here to support you through anything. Santana would march through hell and beat the ever-living heck out of anything in her way if it meant getting you a bottle of Nyquil if you were sick and having trouble sleeping." She responded, hoping it would at least let her friend know that as scary as that question may be, whatever the answer, she will have people behind her to help.
And when Quinn let out a brief laugh, she knew she'd at least made some progress, even if it involved creative license over Santana's borderline ludicrous loyalty. "I just…it's taken so long, but I'm finally comfortable being me, being Quinn. I mean…would you take a leap of faith like that, Rachel?"
Between the pleading tone of Quinn's voice and the sheer honesty of the question, Rachel knew she couldn't deny that she'd inadvertently had her own advice thrust back upon her. It would clearly be hypocritical to not at least consider it, so Rachel did, knowing that she as well had something of a major personal characteristic at stake. All her life, she'd imagined herself falling in love with a man, and later she imagined Finn in that role. It had always been a man, so she fit a nice narrative that went along with the fairy tales and the usual celebrity storylines in the news. Women in Broadway who dated women weren't exactly numerous, at least not those who had success. It was scary to imagine how being in a relationship with someone like Santana could hamper her ability to gain roles and to achieve her dreams, yet her dreams were always built on the foundation of there being a man. Would her dreams endure by changing that foundational aspect? It was difficult to say, but she knew that she'd struggled through her life already without much support. With the support of her family and newfound friends, she couldn't help but imagine she'd be at the very least fiercely supported in her quest for success if that change was made.
And maybe her stress and worries would diminish having arms like Santana's to hold her each night in New York, or hands like Santana's to massage her after a long and arduous dance class. And maybe she'd find true love, and that would help her stand up to any challenge in her way, because she would never be alone, not with her person by her side every step of the way. Maybe the risk would be worth it. Maybe that was a leap worth making.
"I would." Rachel stated confidently after some deliberation, earning a positively shocked expression from the blonde seated across from her. She lightly squeezed the hand of Quinn's that she still had a hold of for extra reassurance, hoping to provide the girl with some piece of mind, or at least some explanation. "It might take me a while to get to the point where I feel confident enough to try, and I won't pretend that I wouldn't be scared and freaking out, but I would, Quinn. It's how we grow."
Quinn squeezed back and carefully unclasped Rachel's hand, returning her paler one to her side. "It's just hard being brave sometimes."
"People are brave when they're scared, but still do what they believe is right, Quinn. And only you know what's right for you." Rachel added, shooting the blonde a warm smile as she collected the dishes moved to the sink to start cleaning in preparation for the other two girls. As far as she was aware, Santana still woke early since their weekend together, and Brittany didn't seem the type to sleep in too late.
Quinn soon returned to help create more pancake batter and cut up more fruit, Rachel wordlessly jumping in once she finished cleaning, getting toast and bacon ready, though once she put the latter on, the blonde took over that station. There may have been some initial hissing and growling from the girl.
After a while of operating in silence, she felt a hand gently resting on the tip of her shoulder; more just the fingertips, actually. "Thank you, Rachel."
Honestly, she felt that maybe Quinn was the one deserving of such gratitude for helping clear her mind a little more over her predicament, but Rachel decided to take it in stride anyway in order to avoid any potential conflict, as minor as it would likely be. It was the first moment where she honestly, truly felt as if she had earned the status of being Quinn's friend, and she was a little proud of herself for managing to help her a little bit. "You're very welcome, Quinn."
***03/03/14:
I know I haven't updated this story in a long time. Sadly, I won't be in a position to write for a while and while I know I'll finish this story, I'm not sure when I'll next be able to sit down and open up MS word with writing in mind. Details in my profile for anyone interested. Sorry.
A/N: And there's chapter 3. Sorry I didn't get this out a few weeks ago, I've had this sitting around, but didn't have time to proofread it, and I generally try to keep my chapters under 6 errors if I can. And usually when I'm proofing, I find at least a dozen, so I held off until I had the spare time to give this chapter (and the others I've published) the attention it deserved.
I wasn't so sure whether to write that second scene, but I kept thinking about Quinn post-Nationals in NYC, and how she turned into Quinn at the start of S3, and couldn't help but feel that maybe she just didn't have anyone to talk to. In this fic, Santana met Quinn before the change, so did Brittany, and I can't see Quinn going to them for advice on this, what with her still feeling a need to distance herself from her past. Having someone who didn't remember, who didn't know that old part of her just seemed to be the only realistic out that I could think of, and I decided that Rachel would be a good sounding board. So I figured I'd explore some of Q's insecurities, her fear of change and losing what she'd gained...common stuff throughout S1 and S2 before she kind of implodes and goes crazy in S3 before Rachel winds up talking her out of getting Beth back from Shelby through sabotage. Just to maybe push the character into a position where she doesn't feel like she has to be the opposite of 'blonde Quinn' come the start of S4 in order to accept and enact change. Not that she'll for sure stay away from hair dye, but I wanted to give Quinn a bit of friendship support so that maybe her character doesn't implode on herself later on. And i didn't want this fic to focus solely on Santana-Rachel material. Brittany will have some spots coming up as well, and as nervous as it makes me to write her, I'm hopeful that I've done a good job capturing her essence.
Anywho, thank you all for your wonderful support, I hope your weekend has been exceptionally nice!
Guest Reviewers:
All 3 'Guests': Haha, sorry, I have a crazy hectic daily schedule, so it takes a bit of time to outline, write, revise, proof, etc. I'll try to post more often, but I can't promise anything.