Author's Chapter Notes:
jakeward: Sorry for the long delay in posting an update. I would should say that the delay in updating rests totally on me. I wanted to do Edward justice and I hope that I have. Thank you for reading this one. I hope you like it. And a huge thank you to my ficwifew, the shrew, for proofing and hand holding!
the shrew: Thank you to my wonderful ficwife for this lovely story. Thank you to the readers for riding along with us on this journey. I think we are all going to have a lot of fun with this one. In a very angsty, yet ultimately happy, sorta way. :)
Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to SM. We have only borrowed them and flipped things to create a Twist on Canon.
I staggered through the next few days; one thought bounced to the next with no form or clarity. Bella was real. I wasn't making it up or dreaming it. I felt her. I felt her as she slipped through my hand and disappeared into the night. She continued to haunt me just as she had for so many months.
I knew I shouldn't retreat into the dark space in my mind, but I went all the same. How different would my life be if she hadn't gone to a place I couldn't follow her? ? I desperately wanted to be with her again, but everything I tried had left me in a frozen state of existence; technically alive, but feeling nothing.
Angela had called several times, and on the fourth day, after her calls went unanswered and unreturned, she came to the house. I sat in my study, staring out the window and not paying too much attention to her as she padded through the house and her weekly cleaning of my home. When she came to the room I was in, she paused in the doorway before she entered.
She walked over to the windows and opened the blinds until a glaring light filled the room. "Edward? It's a beautiful day outside; would you like to go for a walk?"
"No," I said, the massive blinking the bright light caused started to fade.
"Edward," she began as she sat down on the small footrest in front of the chair Bella had purchased shortly after we bought the house. She reached for my hand and took it gently in hers. "You really have me worried. What happened this week?"
I blinked twice, my eyes locked on the small piece of thread I could see on the carpet. "I can't talk about it."
Angela sighed as she lightly stroked my hand. "Edward, please? You need to talk to someone about this. Charlie said you quit seeing that doctor in Port Angeles and you've been locked in this house . . ."
My eyelids fluttered, and I felt tired. More tired than I had felt in the past two years. I knew she meant well. She always had. "Angela, what would you say if I told you I saw her?"
Her eyes narrowed, and the telltale sign of her impending tears glinted in her eyes. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry."
"I saw her, Angela. I saw her in our room the other night. I reached for her and I felt her. She can't be a ghost if I felt her, can she?" I felt the tremors start again, just as they always did when I thought of Bella.
"Oh, Edward. I know you want to believe you saw her, but she wasn't there. I wish she was. God knows how I wish she was, but she wasn't." Her voice cracked, and my heart broke with the truth of her words.
"I swear I felt her. Am I going crazy? Have I finally lost my mind?" I looked at her and felt my tears threaten to fall.
"No, Edward, you haven't. You just lost your heart . . . but you need to let her go. She'll always be a part of you, of what you do, but you have to let go so you can live again. She needs you to do that much." Her tears matched mine as they fell.
I choked back the tears and tried to speak. It was almost too painful, but I found enough within me to say the words. " . . . but I don't want to know a day without her, Angela. I can't move forward to a life that she isn't a part of."
Angela wiped the tears from her face and moved her hand to do the same for me. "Edward, you never have to stop loving her."
"I couldn't even if I tried," I said as a full sob escaped my chest. "Jesus, I love her so much. Why her? Why not me? Why not both of us together? What kind of God could allow this to happen? How could she leave me? I didn't even say good-bye to her that day. Did you know that? She called and told me she was on her way and that she loved me and I told her I love her too and the call was dropped. I never said good-bye-" My voice broke and the sobs took over. My body trembled and shuddered with such force I thought I would finally die from the hole in my chest and the pain it caused. Death, as always, never claimed me.
Angela stood up and wrapped her arms around me, folding me tightly in her grasp. I cried until every part of me hurt and begged to stop feeling ever again. She wiped my tears and hugged me tightly.
"Edward, Erik and I are so worried about you. We want to help you but -?"
"You want to help? Can you bring her back? Can you make the past two years never have happened? Can you tell me she was real? Can you tell me I did see her and she was real?" I asked as I tried to find a single ounce of composure.
"No," she whispered.
"Yeah," I sighed. Only Bella can help me; she's the only that ever could.
With that thought, I felt my heart rip open and shatter once again.
My sleep was tortured, just as it always had been since she left. I found that I had started to sleep much lighter, ready to hear the faintest noise. I turned the house alarm off for reasons that I didn't understand, but it seemed as if I had to do it for her to come back. I left the front door and bedroom windows unlocked. I couldn't swear to it, but every inch of me was certain she had come through the window - which made no sense at all. If the past years had taught me anything, it was that nothing made sense anymore.
Charlie called a few days after Angela's visit and asked me to come over to the house. He was worried about Seth, his stepson, and thought I might be a good person for him to talk to. After Charlie married Sue Clearwater a few years back, Seth and Bella had become close and her death hit Seth hard. He and his sister, Leah, weren't exactly close, and he really looked to Bella to fill that role. I wasn't sure how I could possibly help Seth when I wasn't even able to help myself, but since he was a part of Bella, I went.
Seth and I went for a walk in the woods by Charlie's house, and after nearly thirty minutes of wandering around under the green canopy and moss-covered rocks and fallen trees, Seth finally broke the silence.
"Do you ever think she's still here, Edward?" he asked quietly. His eyes stayed focused on the damp earth beneath our feet. I felt the wind knocked out of me at his question.
"What do you mean, Seth?" I asked, cautiously. I was not going to drag him down the path of insanity that I felt I was walking down.
He sighed heavily and kicked at the fallen leaves before he spoke. "I know it sounds crazy, and I could never say this to Mom or Charlie - and Leah would laugh her ass off and say I was nuts- but," he paused, the hesitation was thick with concern for my reaction, I was sure. "I swear. I've seen her - and not when I've been asleep, Edward. I was wide awake and I swear that I saw her."
I felt the air pulled from my lungs. There was simply no way he was saying what he was to me. There was no way the pair of us was both losing our minds. I had lost my wife - that was reason enough for me to hallucinate, but Seth was barely nineteen and had lost his stepsister of only a few years. I'd lost my soul mate - someone that I had shared my life with since I was seventeen.
I knew I had to choose my words carefully. He had finally confided what he thought was a crazy thought, and I knew all too well the risk he took in saying it. "When, Seth? Are you sure you weren't dreaming?"
"No! That's what scares me. I was wide awake. I was up early; I wanted to get to campus early to get a workout in before my classes. I had just finished in the bathroom and was walking back to my room - Bella's old room. I had just walked into the room, and I looked out the front window and I saw her. Edward, I fucking saw her!" He spoke in a hushed tone even though we were in the middle of the woods. "She was standing across the lawn, kind of hidden under the trees, but she was there. I swear to you. She was there."
My heart started to pound and I felt a small wave of relief pass over me. I wasn't crazy. Seth had seen her too. "Seth, are you sure?"
"Edward, I haven't been this sure about anything in my life." He looked relieved that I hadn't scoffed at him or immediately told him he was wrong.
I took a step closer to him, my mind raced at the possibility of what this meant. We couldn't both be losing our minds, so what the hell was the explanation? My wife was dead and I had been so convinced I was losing my mind only to know that I had touched her only a few nights ago. I knew in a way that no one else could ever understand. For the rest of my days, I would always remember Bella's touch; the way it fused my soul to hers, the lightning that coursed through me as her flesh met mine, and the simple fact that touching her always made me calm. For as shocked and stunned as I was that night, I was calm for that split second I held her.
"Who else have you told?" I asked him, still as cautious as ever with not only my words, but also my tone.
"Leah. Well, not directly anyway. I asked her if she thought it was possible to see someone that had died when awake. She told me that she seemed to remember some Quileute legend Dad had told her about our people and the dead coming back to deliver messages. Then she started laughing and said it was either that, or that I was being haunted by the Cold Ones." He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"The Cold Ones?" I asked. I knew some of the local legends, but had never heard any that mentioned Cold Ones.
"Yeah, stupid right? I asked her to explain it and she said she wasn't Dad and if I wanted the answers, I should go talk to Jake," he said as he sat down on a large rock.
Our talk had clearly worn him out. I, on the other hand, felt the first ray of real hope in two years. Even if that ray involved Jacob Black.
I walked over and sat down next to him. "So, what did Jacob have to say?" Even thought Jacob was Bella's best friend, I had never really accepted him. I knew he was always looking for a small fissure in Bella's and my relationship to break us up; to make his move and make her his. I had always been on guard when Bella was with him. Since our teenage years when she would spend time at his house, to our wedding day when he refused to come into the reception - choosing instead to stand on the large deck that lead off the ballroom, watching her, and almost silently calling to her to leave her own reception and run off with him.
"I didn't talk to him. He's in tight with Sam Uley and his gang, he won't have the time for me," Seth said as he picked up a stick and started to turn leaves over with it.
"Sam Uley has a gang?" I asked. I knew little of life on the Rez, and less since Bella . . . . She was the one to share all the details, as she was over there often enough visiting Jacob.
"Crazy, isn't it? It's been that way for a few years, but in the past two years, he's added more disciples. Jacob flipped teams almost two years ago. He quit hanging out with Quil and Embry, quit talking to me and Leah..." his voice trailed off. "He's a jerk, Edward. You were so right to not trust him."
"Hey, Seth, my not trusting Jacob wasn't for any other reason than I knew he wanted Bella, nothing else."
"Yeah, well now you and I have two things in common," he said as he threw the stick a good distance from where we sat.
I turned my head and looked at him. "Yeah? What's that?"
"Well," he started with a deep inhale, "we both hate Jake, and we both miss Bella."
I knew in that moment that things with Seth had changed. We went from being some twisted, modern family to a baser level. I knew I had to let someone in, and I knew then, that someone had to be Seth. "Seth, I think I've seen her too."
"What? No shit? Really? So I'm not crazy?" he expelled his thought so fast, it was almost as if his mind couldn't catch up to his words.
A faint smile appeared, based more in irony than in relief. "I don't know. I feel like I may be, but I know what I saw."
Seth's laugh was more of an emotional eruption than true laughter. "Me too. So what do we do about it? Think they'll give us a group discount on the meds?"
I offered the smallest laugh and looked at him again. "I'll go talk to Jacob. Maybe it is some Quileute legend that we are both experiencing. You know how much Bella loved all those legends."
"Thanks, Edward." I could see his face relax, the tension and concern started to dissipate.
"Sure," I said as I clapped my hand on his shoulder and went to stand up.
We walked back through the woods toward Bella's old home. The silence of our walk allowed for the sounds of the woods to intensify. I could feel the sun struggle to break through the thick canopy. Bella loved walking through the woods, and it was the first time since she . . . that I had walked in them. I missed her more in that moment than I thought was possible.
Jacob Black's house was the last place I wanted to be. Not just that day, but any day. I knew he hated me, and I would be less than honest if I said it wasn't mutual. When I thought back to all the times Bella tried to mediate between us, I was filled with guilt. It never should have been that way, and yet it was. I tried, for years I tried, to see what possible friendship could exist between them, but I never saw it. I only felt that she might slip away from me and choose him. When she accepted my proposal, I thought for sure he would find away to end it; that he would have some trick up his sleeve to steal her away. She constantly told me that I was the one she wanted to be with forever and that I never had a thing to worry about, but it never stopped the concern that one day she might wake up and realize that I just wasn't good enough for her.
I had asked her several times not to go to Jacob's party. I just didn't want her around him. As selfish as that was, I had never become used to her being with him if I wasn't around. She asked what the worst thing that could happen was if she went. How haunting that question had become. I said nothing that morning, as I got ready for work; she already knew all that I felt about Jacob.
She stood behind me, wrapped her arms around my waist and said, "Edward, when are you going to get it? I'm with you forever. As long as you exist, so do I. There is nothing that can, or will, ever change that. Not even Jacob."
My heart sank at the memory and I felt the swell of panic in my chest. I had to fight the need to pull over and yield to the pain I was feeling remembering our last moment when our bodies connected. I had held on to the feel of her for so long, but this memory was the one I fought. I couldn't bear to remember the way her breath fell across my shoulders and the warmth of her body pressed against mine.
I pulled my car up to Jacob's house and fought against the urge to leave and tell Seth he wasn't home. I cursed myself for such a cowardly thought. Seth needed this. I needed this. If there was a chance that Jacob could shed light on what Seth and I were convinced we saw, the few minutes I would spend talking to him would be worth it. Nothing else was ever worth it where Jacob was concerned.
I was about to give up and leave, when Jacob opened the door.
"Masen," he said. His voice full of disdain.
"Hello, Jacob." There was nothing friendly in the exchange. It would have been forced if there was.
"What do you want?" he asked as he leaned against the doorframe.
"I need to talk to you about something. For Seth," I said. I could feel my temper start to rise, and I knew if I was going to get anywhere with Jacob, I needed to stay as calm as possible.
He walked past me and leaned against the railing at the opposite end of the covered deck. "Start talking then."
I walked a few steps toward him and sat down on the small bench under the window. "Seth was telling me about some Quileute legends."
"Was he now? Why? You haven't given a shit about me or my people or the legends for ten years, why now?" His face was locked in an embittered glare.
I brought my hand up and stroked the side of my mouth in an honest effort to stay in control. "Because it's important to Seth. I thought that maybe that might mean something to you, but I can see that I was wrong."
His jaw flexed and I smiled inwardly. I'd gotten to him. "Go ahead, Masen. What does Seth want to know?"
"He's had a few issues since Bella . . ." I couldn't say it, not in front of him. If she hadn't gone to his party, she would still be her. "And he heard about some legends that said the dead can come back with messages for the living. He tried to talk to his sister, but she just laughed at him."
He jutted his jaw out and narrowed his eyes at me. "You sure you're asking this for Seth and not yourself?"
Just try, Edward. For me. I heard Bella's words spoken so many years before and so often.
"No, not just for Seth." I averted my eyes from his. I tried - for years I tried- because it was important to Bella, but Jacob in that moment reminded me of why I held so much animosity toward him.
Jacob's face reflected the smug thoughts I knew he was thinking. "See that? If you'd bothered listening to her in all those times she spent time here, you might have the answers. But you couldn't manage that, could you?"
"Jacob, listen. I didn't come here to argue with you. I'm - that is Seth, he swears he has seen her."
"What was that, Masen? Are you having hallucinations about Bella now?"
"Jacob, I have tried for years to be nice to you. I tried for her, and it's no secret whenever we were alone that I wanted nothing more than to rip you apart. But this isn't about me; it's about Seth, and the fact that he is scared he's losing his mind over thinking that he saw her. I would have thought someone that claimed to love her as much as you did might see that and want to help." I couldn't help it; the anger was just too real and too much. It was his fault she was dead.
He glared at me and took a step toward me. "You think I don't miss her? You think this has been easy for me? I lost my best friend, so forgive me if I don't welcome you to my home with a giant hug and tell you that's all going to be alright."
I stood up and squared my shoulders. "This isn't about you, Jacob. It's about a kid who's speaking of legends no one will tell him about. The most he got from anyone was some bullshit story about Cold Ones and death messengers."
The smug look that Jacob always had around me slipped. It was a slight shift, but one I saw all the same.
He advanced on me, hatred blazed in his eyes. "You don't have a clue what you are talking about and neither does Seth. So my advice? Get your head examined and leave me the hell alone."
I stood firm and didn't shift my posture. "You can't be human, even for a minute, can you?"
"Don't talk to me about being human. You've been living in some self-imposed void for two years, and you suddenly decided that you want to be social? I'm not buying it."
My eyes squinted as I tried to control my temper. "I always saw this side of you, Jacob. The selfish side that didn't care what your actions did to other people. You may have fooled Bella, but you'll never fool me. What the hell did she ever see in you that made someone as decent as her want to be friends with you?"
"So now this is about Bella?"
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Fuck, Jacob. This has always been about Bella. You've just been too damned selfish to ever see it."
"Get the hell off my property and don't you ever come back."
I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "Jacob, Seth needs help, and for some unknown reason, I think you know something that could help him. It's obvious you won't tell me, but would you at least think about talking to Seth?"
Jacob's glare never shifted and it appeared as if he was shaking. "I said leave."
I pulled my jaw tight and scoffed. "You'll never change, will you?"
"I've changed more than you will ever know," he said, his tone menacing and his voice rasped.
"I seriously doubt that. If you had, you would forget about yourself for a minute. I know it would kill you to even think about helping me, but to turn your back on your own tribe member?" I growled.
I locked eyes with him for a minute before I walked off the deck to my car. I was just about to pull the handle when I heard Jacob.
"Don't worry about Seth, he'll understand soon enough," Jacob barked.
It took everything I had to drive away from his house. Bella had left her mark on me where Jacob was concerned. I promised her once I would never go beyond a war of words with him, something I knew he was too small a man to guarantee her.
That night as I tried to fall asleep, it hit me. When I first met Bella, she had moved back to Forks, and prior to meeting me, she had spent some time with Jacob. He'd filled her head with legends about his tribe, and she'd bought every one of them. On our first date, we found a small bookseller in Port Angeles where she had tracked down a book full of Quileute legends. I couldn't understand what the fascination was, but Bella read the entire book - cover to cover - and said that she wanted to learn more about the legends from Billy Black and Harry Clearwater the next time they had their tribe bonfires. I hadn't thought much about it beyond it being a simpl,e teen fascination. She had packed the book up when we moved in together, saying that she heard all the tales and didn't need the book to remember them.
I threw the covers off my exhausted body and went to the study. I turned on the light to the closet and set about finding her long-treasured book.
After nearly half an hour, I came up empty-handed. The book wasn't in our house. She must have left it at Charlie's house.
I knew a trip to Charlie's was in order, and I would let Seth know I had nothing to report. I felt terrible that I wasn't able to help him, but I knew one thing with absolute certainty - we both knew what we saw, and it was real.
I knew I couldn't sleep, but I had to try. It was nearing three in the morning and if nothing else, I could lay in bed until my alarm went off.
I turned out the closet light and was just about to close the door when I heard it. The faintest sound that only the dead of night would let slip. It came from our bedroom, and I quickly ran up the stairs.
I wasn't surprised when I got to the door that nothing, or no one, was in the room. When I saw the curtain flutter ever so slightly, I knew. She had been there, and I wasn't crazy.