The dream was the same as it always was. Merlin was running, as fast as her skinny little legs could take her. She pushed past friend and foe alike, paying no mind to who she might hurt, just to get to him.
Arthur. Her Arthur. The man she'd hated, then liked, then inevitably loved so much she thought her heart might burst.
He was in danger and she was trying to reach him, always only trying, but he was always so far away. And then she would appear. Morgana.
"You'll never reach him, Merlin. Or should I call you Emrys?" Her voice is hushed and yet so full of wicked glee and torment that Merlin just wants to throttle her. But she can't. Not until it's too late.
"If you know who I am Morgana, you should know better than to stand in my way. Move aside or I'll have no choice but to kill you once and for all." Merlin's voice is just as hushed, made more so by the sheer sound of the chaos which surrounded them, but she spoke with such utter coldness even Morgana gulped. And yet the witch knew not how to cease her foolishness.
"You? Kill me? Please, Merlin, at least don't make stupid threats! I'm a high priestess. No mortal blade can kill me, or did you not know that?" Morgana's grin is smug, as it always seemed to be, but her voice did quiver ever so slightly. Merlin sighed, as she could only do when dealing with an arrogant Pendragon, and smiled sadly at Morgana.
"I blame myself for what you've become. But... this has to end." Merlin steadily made her way closer to Morgana, her face masking her emotions of regret and pain for the sister she'd found and lost in the witch before her so many years ago. "As you know, I am Emrys. I am magic. And I need no blade."
Merlin came forward then with such speed and power - qualities she never seemed to posses in any other part of the dream - and, with the simple thought of death and a touch of her hand on Morgana's forehead, she sent the witch to her knees. Morgana's eyes grew wide as she gasped, feeling her life, her magic, leave her.
"Goodbye, Morgana." Merlin whispered, gently laying her down on the ground, tears in her own eyes. Morgana had died because of her, in more ways than one. She could not let any others do the same.
And yet, when she looked up, that had already happened. She'd known it would but the sight always made her gasp as though she were truly there once more. Far ahead of her, too far for her to reach, stood the man she loved. His sword was thrust inside of Mordred - yet another poor soul Merlin had failed - whilst his mid-section bled profusely.
Everything happened comparatively quickly after that. Mordred fell, a sick grin on his face, and then so did Arthur. She knew, though she could not hear him from where she stood, that his last thought, the very last whisper on his lips was 'Merlin'.
And then he died.
Merlin's eyes filled with tears as she fell to her knees, utterly devoid of strength. Or, to put it more accurately, she'd simply lost all courage. The people around her still fought, not having realized their leaders had fallen, but Merlin didn't care. All she could think, feel, see... was Arthur. Lying bloody on the ground, his heart pierced by Mordred's sword. Merlin felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was choking on blood, their blood - the blood of the countless people she'd failed.
And it was with that feeling, always with that feeling, that Merlin woke up, gasping. It took her lungs an excruciatingly long time to re-learn how to breathe and even when they did, still her tears prevented her from seeing anything. She rubbed at her eyes with the back of her hands, her hair a mess of tangles in front of her face. She was a mess - as was usual around about this time in her reincarnations. It always took her awhile to settle and block the memories.
She sat there, feeling utterly exhausted, until Gwaine found her. It was still early morning - barely five o'clock - but he'd woken up with a bad feeling and had known to come to her. He climbed into bed beside her, as he sometimes would do when she was too tired to protest, and gathered her in his arms whispering 'It's going to be okay'. It never was, but she wasn't about to reject his comfort.
They both fell back asleep like that, shuffled close together on Merlin's small single bed, to the sound of birdsong as the sun began to rise outside.
Merlin was late. She didn't mean to be - neither of them did - but they'd overslept and then argued, albeit good-naturally, over who got to shower first. It'd been Merlin, obviously, but she took so long they now had approximately ten minutes to get to their new dorm.
It was an exciting day for the two of them, going to Uni and all, and they needed to make a good first impression.
Their bus stop was a couple streets away from their new home - home for only the first year of their undergraduate course, in actual fact - but they still rushed over together, to find their rooms.
They had applied to the same hall with the intention to live together and had succeeded, although technically they lived a floor apart. Gwaine had the furthest length to travel, up to the third floor, whereas Merlin's shared room would be on the second. They rolled and pulled their suitcases up the stairs - their building had no elevators, unfortunately - with a lot of fuss and groaning.
Merlin waved Gwaine off when she reached her own floor, grinning at the knackered look on his face as he carried on up the stairs. She walked along the hall until she reached her room, 210, and pulled out the key she'd been given only days ago. She could hear voices inside, her roommates, she assumed, and hurried to get the key in the door. She just hoped she wasn't so late as to get the worst room of the lot, as Gwaine had warned her would happen earlier that morning.
The moment she walked in through the door, however, that became the last of her worries. All noise ceased as she shuffled into the living room, dragging her heavy suitcase in behind her. Three heads were turned to face her, two of which were boys, twins by the looks of it. They had identical blue eyes and brown hair and curious looks on their faces. The other person, a petite blonde girl, was grinning at her, and raised a tiny hand to wave at Merlin.
Merlin smiled shyly, suddenly doubting her whole 'carry on with life' approach, but walked towards them nonetheless.
"Hey," she says, shaking all of their hands in turn. "I'm Mer- I mean, Myra. Sorry, long day." She quickly corrects herself, blushing at their odd looks.
The blond girl smiles and shakes her head, squeezing Merlin's hand a little too enthusiastically. "'S okay. We've all been there. And I'm Ally by the way, and these are Dom and Trev. Twins, obviously." She giggles, as the boys nod solemnly at Merlin. She nods right back at them, as seems to be the only way to respond when you have nothing to say.
Happy the awkward introductions have been made, Merlin gestures behind her at her suitcase. "Um, have you guys already chosen your rooms, then? I really just wanna put that thing away."
"Nah, we thought it'd be best if we just waited till everyone's here before we decide on rooms," Dom says stoically - or is it Trev? Merlin couldn't remember which was which - and motions behind him where indeed three suitcases have been placed together.
Merlin sighs, foreseeing a lot more socializing than she'd have liked in her future. Not that she hates meeting new people, it was just that... she hated the thought that she'd outlive them. It made the whole friend-making thing a little too much to stomach. One minute you're enjoying someone's company, then what feels like barely a minute later they've been dead for years.
Ally and the boys move to sit on the lone couch in the room and Merlin follows suit by pulling up a chair from the dinning table in the conjoining kitchen area. Ally turns to face her, almost expectantly, whilst the boys seem to be looking anywhere but at her.
"So... how many more people are we waiting for?" Merlin finally asks, when she can't stand the silence anymore.
"Well, there are seven rooms all together, so only three more people." Ally chirps, smiling a too-wide smile, confirming Merlin's suspicions that Ally may, in future, be very annoying.
Merlin sighs, sparing a pitying glance at the twins - whose relatively silent behavior is starting to make sense - before sagging in her chair. She's just about to open her mouth to speak - about courses or Uni in general, she wasn't sure exactly what she would have said - when the sound of the door opening and people talking drifts over to them from the hall.
All four of them get to their feet as first one, then a second, then the third person walks into the living room. Thank God, Merlin thinks. She wouldn't have to wait any longer.
They make hasty introductions to the three new strangers; another girl, called Danielle, who's very tall and has hair almost as dark as Merlin's; a boy named Harry, with hair so blond Merlin feels slightly nostalgic and hazel eyes; and finally Kevin, a short Chinese boy with glasses so big they fill up half of his face. And then they go to choose their rooms.
It all happens very fast, faster than Merlin had expected, with Dom, Trev and Harry claiming the rooms nearest to the living room and subsequently the kitchen. Merlin and the remaining girls plus Kevin make their way up the short flight of stairs to the next set of rooms, next to the bathroom.
Merlin's room, thankfully, isn't very small, but medium sized, with a window that faces out onto a quiet street below. She unpacks her suitcase, pilling the clothes into her wardrobe, then falls back on her bed. She knows she should get on with the essentials - sorting out all her other things and laying down a new bed sheet, but she just wants to rest.
Her actual classes would start the next day, a fact Merlin was thankful for, and so she and Gwaine planned to spend the day looking around the campus. She knew it was what he'd enjoy and that he'd probably join a billion sports clubs, but she couldn't help but fell reserved. Being outside surrounded by lots of people, even whilst with Gwaine or any of her other friends near, would always make Merlin so anxious she almost felt claustrophobic outside.
And all because of a stupid little thing called hope. It made her think she might, possibly, glimpse Arthur in a crowd somewhere. That considering just how many people there were in the world it only made sense he'd be out there somewhere, too, waiting for her.
Merlin shook her head and sat up, fed up of her own depressing thoughts. She quickly went about making her bed and putting all the new school equipment she'd bought into the drawers of her desk. Glancing at the clock, she cursed, realizing it was already past noon - she and Gwaine had planned to get settled and meet at the cafeteria area in the center of the campus. He was probably already there, tapping his foot impatiently and checking out every girl that passed.
Merlin smiled to herself at the thought and grabbed her shoulder bag before heading out. She called a quick goodbye to Ally, who had at some point gone back downstairs to sit in the living room, as she passed her.
As she walked away from her hall, and then along more and more student-packed streets, she began to feel that claustrophobic feeling begin to start - and shut it down quickly. She couldn't afford to act like this, not on her first day at least. For Gwaine's sake if no one else's. God knew how much that man needed a break after having dealt with Merlin's trouble for so many years.
Merlin walked swiftly, barely glancing at all the tall university buildings around her, until she reached a familiar courtyard - the one directly in front of where she'd planned to meet Gwaine. Despite the fact that the campus was large, much larger than she'd remembered it being from the open day, thankfully her and Gwaine's dorm was very close to the English building, where she'd be spending most of her time. She'd chosen to study English Language and it really helped with her people-problem that her study building was so close to the Caf, her dorm and other important buildings (like the university library, for instance).
She walked through the large throng of people, on her way to meet Gwaine for the lunch they'd had planned, when the sight of a strangely familiar, golden-blond head came into view. It was just the back of a head, nothing special, and yet as surely as she felt her magic surge inside of her like tidal waves, she just knew.
She knew just who that distant, bobbing head belonged to, and it was like suddenly she couldn't breathe. It was then, as she stood frozen in a courtyard surrounded by strangers, that he turned around and - as if by magic - his eyes met hers.
And she no longer had any doubts as to who this might be. Those deep, sky-blue eyes could belong to no-one else.
Once she'd made that realisation, Merlin's limbs seemed to act all of their own accord, pulling her towards the figure of the man - no, just a boy, as of yet - that she loved with all her heart.
Arthur, too - though he may well have been named something else, and surely had no idea why he was doing so - started to move towards her. First he simply walked, then it became a fast jog until finally he was running towards her as surely as she was running towards him. They finally stopped, in the middle of the concrete courtyard, barely inches away.
"Who... who are you?" He finally asked, voice as young as she'd ever heard it. The question itself, though she'd heard it plenty times before, brought a great wave of pain - because this was him, her beloved, and he hadn't a clue who she was. It was one of her worst nightmares.
Merlin reached a hand towards his face, grateful when he didn't flinch away, and placed it on his left cheek. Then her other came to his right and then she was pulling his face towards hers and before she properly understood what she was doing, they were kissing.
He was clearly surprised - she could practically feel his eyes as wide as hers were closed - but very quickly he settled into the kiss, pulling her into his arms. His tongue started to outline her lips, then her own tongue when she opened her mouth and Merlin practically purred with satisfaction. When she finally pulled away, they were both gasping, and got quite a few raised-brows from passing students, but Merlin didn't focus on that: she only had eyes for him.
He was smiling - just like that goofy grin he would always have on his face when they'd wake up together, wrapped in each others arms, back in the days of Camelot - and one of his hands was brushing aside the unruly curls at the side of her face.
"I... don't know why you did that, but I'm not gonna complain," says young-Arthur, pulling Merlin in for another kiss, but she quickly stops him with a finger to his lips.
"No, sorry, that's it for now. Unless... you'll hold my hand for a second?" Merlin makes the statement a question, trying to gauge what type of person this new Arthur might be.
Some of the wonder and giddiness leaves his eyes at her statement, but he complies nonetheless, grinning at her in a way that makes Merlin feel tingly to the tips of her toes, as only Arthur can make her feel. She clasps his hand between the two of hers, suddenly anxious, and lets her magic seep onto him. What happens next is perhaps the worst possible scenario Merlin had never imagined would occur.
Arthur's eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses onto the floor, hands still clutching hers. Merlin drops down beside him, her eyes wide with fear and worry, as people around them begin to panic and shouts of 'Call 999!' are heard.
Merlin doesn't understand what happened, or why his body was reacting in such a way - no, rejecting the process in such a way - but she carried on nonetheless. It was the only thing she could do.
She pushed her magic into him, through their clasped hands and through that connection she always felt at the back of her mind, tethering her to him. She blanked out all else but him and all her memories of him, willing a re-creation of his death not to occur. If he died again, in her arms no less, without her even getting to so much as speak to him - the real him - she felt she may just kill herself once and for all.
Suddenly Arthur's spasming stopped and his hands grew lax and Merlin could only cry as he gave all the signs of death... but then he twitched.
It was just a slight tremor, along his right hand, but it was there. Then so did his other hand, and his torso and suddenly his eyes were open and the process had began. His face conflicted with pain - and so forceful was this that his eyes began to water - but then he relaxed again. His eyes weren't just that of a reincarnated Arthur, but her Arthur, as she had known him to be.
When he looked up at her, she saw such love and passion her breath caught in her throat - until said love was suddenly replaced by anger and a look of... was that betrayal?
And suddenly Merlin herself remembered. She'd never truly gotten around to telling the truth about herself to Arthur. In fact, as far as he'd been aware in his dying moments, she'd first abandoned him on his biggest battle yet and then committed the sin of all sins by revealing herself to be a sorceress on the battlefield (although technically the term was 'warlock', Merlin hadn't corrected the others when they'd called her as such).
Arthur sat up slowly, ignoring the strangers surrounding them. His eyes focused on Merlin and stayed there, as he had looked upon many a sorcerer before. The wariness utter... utter hatred she saw in his eyes broke Merlin's heart into even tinier pieces than it'd previously been.
"Merlin," he finally said with a hoarse, anger-filled voice that made Merlin's stomach turn. "What have you done?"
To be continued...
Sneak Peak of next chap:
Arthur's first thought, upon seeing Merlin's beautiful face hovering above him was 'I love her'. Followed quickly after by 'Aren't I dead?' and 'If this is Heaven that must mean Merlin's dead too!" That thought had certainly sharpened his senses.
But then Arthur remembered what came before his death: Merlin's betrayal. She used magic, something she herself had said had no place in Camelot. And before that, even, she'd left him alone to 'pick herbs for Gaius'.
As Arthur gazed up at her tear-streaked face, he came to two conclusions simultaneously; one, he didn't know nearly as much about Merlin as he had previously thought he did; and two, he needed answers - Now.