DearestEddie Teddy.(please take note of the heavy sarcasm)

-FUMES-

-Looks at left hand and almost cries-

-Composes self and recommences fuming-

You know Edward, as a brother you are a major disappointment. What have I ever done to you? –pouts-

Come on. Stealing my precious diary? You already invade my thoughts. Why must you take it that one-step further? Why? –takes a deep breath in to calm self- Your lowly ways have left me no other option brother. –Wipes away fake tear- I'm telling Carlisle on you. perhaps he can finally install some decency into you.

Because who would he likely side with? Well me. Obviously. –smug look- Because look at me - the sweet, little, innocent, pure love of the family who has never done anything harmful to anyone –draws halo above head- and then look at you: the solitary, cruel and uncaring rejefct who has nothing better to do than torment his younger, defenceless sister. –Le sob- well that's it Edward. I have had enough of your evil ways.

This.

Is.

War.

And let's face it. I am going to win. Because you see, I have a husband. And you are just a lonely old man with no one who has your best interests at heart. Lol and Jasper would do anything for me, even smash the bejebus out of you. and come to think of it so would Emmett, because well he just loves to punch anything full stop. –Chuckles evilly- so I would start running if I were you….

But on second thought… Emotional blackmail can hurt much, MUCH more than physical pain.. –shrugs shoulders- so why not do both? Mwahahahaa oh how I love to see you squirm. –stares off into the distance imagining you squirming-

Oh you're in for it now Edward Anthony. You are in for it now. In fact, by the time I am done with you, you will be paying a little permanent visit to the local mental asylum. (you should really try the gruel, it is actually rather tasty.) –CoughNotThatIHaveEverBeenThereCough-

But where to start? Where to start? Hmmm. I think I shall just have to consult my list.

–Dramatically draws out list-

-List unfolds and unfolds until it is a mile long-

Lol as you can see I have several ideas. All quite promising I must say.

But ah where were we?

Oh, that's right, number one.

-Insert villainous laughter here-

(Gets hit with vision)

(you and I are both sitting in a dimly lit room on either side of your desk)

-I lean in closer and whispers conspiratorially-" I know about THE stick."

-you confusedly ask "what stick?" -

" You know... the magic one. "

-You deny any knowledge of such object and immaturely cover your ears and start singing-

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME FOOL! -turns on lamp and shines it into your face- Well let's see how you act when you see THIS."

- Draws out folder with 'Exhibit A' labelled clearly on the front and slams it down on desk with hand-

-Leans in closer, and towers over you threateningly-

-You timidly open it to find a picture of you holding a wand and you splutter in disbelief- (LINK IS ON PROFILE)

"Oh yes. I know your secret Mr-Being-A-Vampire-Isn't-Good-Enough-So-I-Have-To-Go-Round-Being-A-Harry-Potter-Wannabee-As-Well. God. What on earth has gotten into you? I am severely disappointed in you." –shakes head in disbelief-

"ButThis Has To STOP

It Is NOT Healthy!

-You snarl and accuse me of deceitfulness –

-I continue as if you hadn't spoken- And that is why I have been forced to enlist the help of a certain –dun Dun DUNNN- Dr. SheppardsPie to help you through these troublesome times."

-you quiver in fear-

"Oh you remember him do you? yess he proved to be very effective last time I called upon him for his assistance. In fact, he was the one who suggested that I photo shop you in in the first place. –Laughs wickedly - It's very good work isn't it? No one will ever be able tell the difference… - waves picture around- and oh I am very sure that the fan girls over at the 'I-LOVE-EDWARD fan club' would pay a pretty penny for this.

MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

(End of Vision)

So now that you have seen what will happen if you don't hand back my diary and forget everything that you read in it, I'm sure that you will willingly hand it over. –glares and waits for you to hand it back-

And Edward? Are you questioning my femininity? –goes to flutter left hand to show off long rainbow coloured nails but thinks better of it and decides to wave right hand instead while battering eyelashes and smiling sweetly-

Also, I assure you that I am heterosexual, although I should ask you the same question – cause I'm not going to lie.. I personally have always thought that you were gay. I see how you look at Jasper. And Emmett. And Carlisle for that matter. –looks away slightly disturbed- gosh Edward, your own father? –twitches- Oh but I suppose you are the adopted one in the family. -Laughs heartlessly –

xx Alice Possible.

(danger or trouble; I'm there on the double;
you know that you always can call
ALICE Possible)

PS: and enlighten me: who in the family are you actually implying is a woman? Its Emmett right? I've always suspected that there was something up there…

PPS: "You can never beat my oh so talented fingers no matter how hard you try" –purses lips- there are just so many comebacks flooding through my mind right now that it is just too hard to choose. but I'm sure you can hear all of them.–Shakes head in disgust-

Dearest Reader:

HEED THIS WARNING:

Those who do not review will suffer a terrible, unthinkable fate and will be cursed for precisely a million years, 123 days, 69 hours and 4 minutes and point 7 of a second.

Now we do understand that for many of you mortal peasants out there, the curse will most certainly exceed your lifetime. But you see humans, that this curse has been extended to past your death. Oh yess… terrible fates are inevitable, your bones will rot and your corps will hold host to several different species of fungi, all of which will be purple and sparkly.

To prove to you that the curse is, in fact, real, I shall present to you a case study of what happened to a dear friend of mine when she disregarded a warning very alike to this one.

-puts on psychologist glasses-

Now Victoria is a very special child. (Please take note of the illusion to her poor lack of mental health) and well to cut a long story short, she made a rather large fool of herself on her way to school, with her sleeping in, almost missing the train, almost hoping on the wrong train and then having all of her notes for a certain in-class essay fluttering away from her in a seemingly nonchalant gust of wind. To add to this already seemingly cursed day, her violin case broke, making it very hard to get off the train for various reasons, and then once finally exiting the carriage, and dumping all of her numerous broken objects on the nearest bench, she found that it had just only been recently painted a vibrant shade of red. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, she had gotten off at the wrong station.

Now I'm sure a couple of you are sceptical – I know, I cant believe it actually happened either- but believe me, this actually happened.

-Laughs hysterically-

So unless you want to suffer the same fate as Victoria, I would get reviewing if I were you.

Lots of Love and Reviews,

ALICE. :)