You taught me how to love,

What it's of, what it's of.

You never said too much,

but still you showed the way,

and so I knew from watching you.

Nobody else could ever know

the part of me that can't let go…

(Jude - Everything I Own)

Chapter 3

She was back. It was still hard to believe. She even got her old quarters. She looked around the place she used to call her home. When she got the opportunity to come back, she didn't hesitate. It felt so right. She was supposed to be here. Being on Atlantis was the biggest opportunity she ever had and she was grateful she could come back. She wondered why they chose her again. If it was up to her, she wouldn't choose herself.

Since she left Atlantis, her life has been just a mess, although it took her some time before she realized that. She was lying to herself; she was naive. She left the city because of a man she didn't even love. How stupid was that? Well, she was paying for her mistakes. She couldn't blame anyone else but herself. She didn't blame Rodney. It was her choice to follow him, to marry him. And it was her choice to leave him.

Divorced. The word chased her all the time. She hated it. It reminded her that she failed. She made too many bad decisions and all this crap was just a logical continuation. The problem wasn't the divorce itself. It was the marriage at first. It should have never happened. Many things shouldn't have happened. She should have never left.

She loved her life on Atlantis and despite that, she left. When Rodney told her his decision, he asked her to go with him. He truly wished that and she wanted to believe that she could live with him. That she could love him. That they could have their happily after ever. When the relationship started, she was quite happy. At least she thought she was. She believed that she just needed someone she can trust. She had been listening to her mind, not to her heart.

She shook her head. It hadn't exactly been that way. She was afraid. She had been hurt in the past and she was too afraid to experience that again. She wanted to protect herself. She was afraid to love without conditions. She convinced herself that this was what she really needed. But now it seemed quite ridiculous. Rodney wasn't the type of man she needed. Even if she did love him, it wouldn't have worked. And she didn't. She was so wrong, so stupid.

She took a breath. Now she was back. Did she have the right for a fresh start? She hoped that at least some of her friends from Atlantis were glad that she came back. Not everyone of course. Not Ronon. She shouldn't be surprised. She shouldn't be almost shocked by his careless look. He got over her. Of course he did. But he probably didn't forgive her just like she didn't forgive herself.

By her stupid decisions she hurt everyone involved. Him. Rodney. Herself. She never forgot about Ronon. It was impossible. She remembered everything. From the time they first met until the night that she sometimes wished to erase from her memory. She never felt so guilty. She spent a night with another man and what more, she didn't regret it. Right there and then she was able to throw the caution away. But she got scared. She ran away in the middle of the night. And then she left. She thought it was for good.

Life back on Earth was totally different from what she imagined. In spite of how much she tried, she wasn't happy. Rodney was working most of the time and she was glad actually. She was grateful that he was away and not with her. It was difficult to pretend and she sometimes found herself looking for excuses to not to be at home when he was. Later she almost couldn't stand him with his arrogance and selfishness.

Rodney didn't notice. He was so wrapped up in his job that he had no idea how she felt or what she wanted. That during the lonely nights she didn't wish to be with him. She was still, over and over, thinking of the last night on Atlantis. She was thinking about Ronon.

She didn't see it from the beginning, but her marriage was a disaster. To be honest she didn't want to see it. She refused to admit that she had been so wrong and was still trying her best. It was useless. She couldn't do that forever. She finally started to be honest to herself. She needed to finish that, but she had no idea how. Then her father got sick and she finally saw everything clearly.

Her husband wasn't there for her. He didn't even care. His job was the only important thing for him and he acted like she was invisible. He didn't tell her anything; he didn't try to help her. He didn't take her to the hospital. She actually needed her dad to be sick to realize that her marriage was already over. She had never felt so lonely. She was afraid for her father so much and she had to manage it all by herself.

One day she took all her courage, packed up her stuff and moved out of their big, empty house. She was desperate, but it has nothing to do with Rodney. She knew that the biggest mistake she did a long time ago. As much as she tried, she never erased Ronon from her heart. She wasn't able to do it before that night and after that it was even less possible. Now she wished she could turn back time. Do it differently. But that was just an unrealizable desire.

She found accommodations in a hotel next to the hospital and called her lawyer. She had no reason to postpone it anymore. Then she spent the rest of the evening just staring at the ceiling and thinking about her messed life. The ringing of her cell phone interrupted her thoughts. It must have been him. She sighed but she knew that sooner or later she had to talk to him. It wouldn't be fair to leave without a word. The message she left him wasn't enough.

"Yes," she answered the phone quietly.

"Jennifer, it's me. What happened? What the hell..."

"Rodney," she interrupted him. "You read my letter. I'm sorry but I'm leaving."

"No, you're not. Why? What happened?" He was obviously clueless.

"You know what. It isn't working. We cannot... It's over. You know that. It can't be a surprise. I told you many times what I wanted to change. You have never listened to me."

"I'm busy. I have my job. You knew that."

She closed her eyes. It was ridiculous. "Rodney, my father is ill. He could have died. You weren't here. You didn't care."

"Jennifer, you've got to understand. It was an emergency. I had to be in the lab."

"No, Rodney," she said angrily. "You should have been with me. I overlooked that for a long time. And all the other problems. But I can't go on anymore. It's over."

"Listen to me. You can't leave me. What would I do? You can't do that."

"What would you do?" She whispered. The man was incredible. "You think everything is about you."

"No, Jennifer," he tried to apologize. "I didn't mean it that way. I love you."

"I'm sorry. We should have never..." She swallowed. "Goodbye, Rodney."

She hung up, wiping the tears that appeared in her eyes. She wasn't crying because of him. She knew she wasn't. She was crying because of the past she left behind. Because she was afraid of the future. Because she was alone.

Rodney tried to contact her a few more times but he gave it up soon. When they met later, he was cold and sarcastic. She didn't blame him for that. She hurt him; it was all her fault. But she hurt herself as well. When the divorce suit was finally over, she felt helpless. Incapable.

She spent most of her time with her recovering father, working in a local hospital part-time. It took her three months before she was able to get through the worst of it. Her dad was healthy again and she was thinking about her future, when the possibility to come back to Atlantis showed up. She didn't even think. She knew it wouldn't happen twice. She applied for the job immediately and there she was. Back at home.

She knew it wouldn't be easy. Especially with Ronon. From the moment she entered the room, she had been looking for him. She needed to see him. She couldn't find him at first and she started to worry. But then she saw him and she had to make immense effort to hold her emotions back. But the way he looked at her… It was killing her inside.

Like many times before, their last sparring lesson came to mind. It was after she started dating McKay. It surprised her that Ronon was willing to continue with sparring after she told him she is interested in someone else. But that was Ronon.

She was never sure of his actions. Maybe it wasn't so difficult for him. How she could know when he was always looking careless, like he didn't care what was happening around him. But she was grateful. She liked the time they spent together and fight training was safe, because they couldn't talk most of the time.

The lesson was almost finishing when she decided to tell him what happened. What she was planning to do. She wasn't fully paying attention to the fight and he hit her into her shoulder slightly. She made a face because it hurt.

"You must still watch your opponent," he said. Then his look softened a bit. "Are you ok?"

"Of course I am," she said trying to look brave. "My fault."

"You are a doctor," he smiled.

"Good you noticed," she said. It sounded a bit ironic and that made him grin again.

She really didn't want to start with it, not now when they were finally able to joke around each other. But sooner or later he would have found out. And she wanted to be the one to tell him.

"Ronon," she said, unable to look directly at him. "I have to tell you something."

"Go on," he replied probably aware of that change in her tone.

She took a breath. "Rodney got an offer for a job back on Earth. He really wants to accept it. You know him. He finally has an opportunity to become famous."

"Yeah," he nodded. "But why are you telling me?"

"Because... Because I am going with him. Back to Earth." She glanced at him.

"It's up to you," he said after the moment. As always, she had no idea what he was thinking and it bothered her. She wanted him to show some interest. At least now.

"I know," she sighed. "I just can't stop wondering whether I am doing the right thing."

"It's a big change," he noted, looking at her with his dark eyes. She was aware that they shouldn't have this conversation, but she couldn't help herself.

"Do you think I'm crazy? It is soon and... I just wanna be sure."

"You can never be sure," he replied.

"You think that?" She hadn't meant it to be a question.

"Jennifer, we shouldn't be talking about that."

Just for a second she saw something in his eyes. He felt uncomfortable, that was understandable, but there was something more. It could be a glimpse of pain. She didn't know. But he was right. Talking about these things with him was the last thing she was supposed to do.

"I'm sorry," she apologized quietly and tried to smile, but she wasn't sure of the result.

"That's ok," he said, looking disinterested again. Maybe she was wrong.

"I just wanted you to know. I haven't told anyone else yet. I know this isn't the right time to leave, although there will be never a right time probably." She laughed shortly, trying to lighten the situation, but it didn't work.

"That's not my business," he said blandly. She twitched. She didn't want to hear that from him.

"Ronon." She was looking at him, because she had nothing more to say.

"You should go with him," he said suddenly. "If you love him, you should go."

He turned away. She was watching him, while he was leaving the room. She didn't say a word. She was angry with herself. Why did she even bring it up? It was ridiculous. Of course it wasn't his business. Well, she got his opinion. She should go. If she loved Rodney... But deep inside she already knew she didn't.

Now it was after the midnight but she still couldn't fall asleep. She was happy she was back but she was also scared. She wasn't thinking when she accepted the position. She longed to be back so much that she didn't consider all the consequences. She would be running into him. Every day. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough, but she couldn't do anything. It really wouldn't be easy.