Please review if you're reading.

88

"Jen's looking for you, you might want to head inside," Dawson says tightly to Pacey.

Pacey nods his head, looking like a little boy being disciplined. "Thanks for coming tonight Dawson," he says, his voice hopeful.

"I thought… I thought maybe things had changed. But I can see I was wrong… yet again. Happy Birthday Pacey. Your wife is waiting for you." He over enunciates the word wife, and Pacey looks even worse. Pacey throws a helpless glance in my direction, I meet his eyes trying to communicate that he should do what Dawson says. That he needs to go to his wife. Pacey blinks, as if he's recieved my message and nods his head at Dawson and me and heads inside.

Dawson looks at me, shaking his head in disgust. I sit back down on the chair putting my head in my hands. He sits next to me without a word.

"Dawson…" I begin.

"Don't," he says tightly. And then once again there are no words. We can hear everyone inside singing "Happy Birthday" to Pacey. Hard to imagine that the three of us were once so inseparable we spent every birthday together. I wonder if Dawson's thinking the same thing. I wonder if he mourns his lost friendship the way I do mine. Ironic that I expected him to be so understanding when Pacey and I got together, and yet when it's me watching the person I love… loved… in a relationship with my best friend, I suddenly know how he must have felt. I want to tell him this, but I know it will just be empty words.

"He's married," Dawson says finally. "You have a ring on your finger. I thought marriage meant something to you?"

I look down at my ring. I fight the urge to rip off the damn ring and toss it in the pool. "You know it does Dawson. I don't know what you think you saw, but absolutely nothing happened."

Dawson moans, loudly. "Really? You hug all your ex boyfriends like that? Well come on, where's my hug? Jesus Joey, if I had a dollar for every time I heard you say that, I'd be able to pay for your damn wedding. The two of you have always existed in shades of grey. You tell me this, if you came out, and found Colin, hugging his ex, thinking whatever thoughts were going through your head, would you say that was nothing?"

He's got me. It wasn't nothing. Of course it wasn't nothing. And I would never find Colin in this situation, because that's not how he functions. He sees things as black and white, cheating verses not cheating, love verses not love. With him, there's no in-between. He doesn't see these shades of grey, as Dawson so aptly names it.

"Colin knows how it is with him, he trusts me. He isn't possessive, he doesn't let his ego affect how he treats me." Dawson looks over at me with angry eyes, he doesn't appreciate my not so subtle digs.

"That's not the question I asked you Joey." He stands up and looks down at me sadly. "I hoped, that maybe it would be possible for all of us to find our way back from this. I thought I had forgiven you for breaking my heart time after time. But nothing has changed, the two of you still think you get to break as many hearts while you eye fuck across the room. This isn't your epic love story. There are real people here. Including your best friend. And someone else who used to be your best friend.. A long time ago."

"I never meant to hurt you," I say quietly. I know they are useless words, but I don't know what else to say to him. This angry man standing before me who was once my best friend.

"I'm going to tell you something Joey," he takes a deep breath and doesn't speak for a moment. "There's a reason why it never worked with you and him, or you and me. You and I… we had the friendship… we got each other, we could talk and talk for hours. With him… you had the sex, a physical connection. And I know you, you're thinking that somehow you and Pacey missed out on what could have been. But the reality is, you missed out on more of this ridiculous shit the two of you do. It doesn't work. Because you actually want someone who gets you. So move the fuck on."

Dawson abruptly turns and walks away. I stare at him as he walks away. Is he right? I've always assumed if Pacey and Jen hadn't ended up together, if Jen hadn't given him an ultimatum to marry her, he and I would have found our way back together. But maybe Dawson's right? Maybe there's a reason why we failed time after time, why I ran back to Dawson time after time.

So tell me?

How does one move the the fuck does on from someone who they connect so well with? I think about how his pinky felt pressed against mine; and then Jen, and how much love she deserves. I think about Colin, who does get me, who I have the friendship with and some pretty damn good sex. So when we look at each other, it doesn't have the intensity, the heat Pacey and I have, it doesn't mean it isn't good. And really, what is the other option?

Move the fuck on it is.