Angela: Chapter three. Who's with me this time? Anyone new, maybe some older people who actually know what's going on? Yes, no, maybe? How many of you actually feel bad for Light, and how many think this is the funniest crack you've ever seen and hope Light gets more? Those choosing the second option please come and get a free cookie. x3;

ShaCha:...Kelpy's a slave-driver. An insistentslave-driver who demands 'moar' with my other stories and pokes and lurks and whines for RPs. And...I still love her. -sighs-

Angela:Speaking of RP- -is thwapped- Ow.

ComputerFreak101: ...Eyeballs.

Beyond the door, was the headquarters.

At least, that's what he thought at first, until he realized that no, this was not the headquarters. For one thing, the Task Force were all wearing animal costumes.

His father, Soichiro, was dressed as a mouse. (Well, Light assumed it was a mouse - it could just be a really, really large rat, but people didn't usually dress up in rat costumes - did they?) Aizawa was...an eaglet, a baby eagle; Ukita - wasn't he supposed to be dead? Light was pretty sure Misa had killed him, hadn't the girl told him so? Then again, the girl was such a ditz- wait. Ukita was a dodo. (Light smirked at the irony.) Matsuda, ridiculous as always, was dressed up as a yellow duck.

Soichiro seemed to be speaking. Shutting the small door behind him quietly - Ryuuku seemed to have vanished -, Light snuck up to the small podium where his father was talking and listened in.

"Alright then," said Soichiro. "As I was saying; this race's rules are very simple! And that is...there are no rules!" 'Of course,' Light mentally groaned. 'Everything else around here is crazy, why not my father?'

"All you have to do is run in a circle! That's it!" proclaimed his father cheerfully. "Any shape you want as long as it's a circle!" Light facepalmed as Matsuda quacked in agreement.

Matsuda started running around in circles quacking for no apparent reason. He was very loud and Light almost wished he were deaf.

"Light, what have I told you about dressing like that in public?" asked Soichiro.

Light felt strange as he realized he was now dressed as a chicken. That was almost as bad as the dress. 'A chicken?' he thought. He wondered if this could get any worse, and he found himself joining in the crazy race. Was he being influenced by the madness of everyone else around him?

When he finally managed to stop running-although the chicken suit was still there, but at least it wasn't magenta or a dress- he noticed that the rest of the Task Force had also stopped running in circles, squares, polygons and whatever other shapes they'd been running in.

He hoped that was a good sign.

"And now it's time for the prizes!" Prizes? What prizes?

"Light, if you please?"

"What?" he asked, dumbfounded. He certainly didn't have any prizes in his chi-...Dress pocket. He silently damned the dress for returning.

"Prizes!" Soichiro insisted, as if such a thing was the most obvious thing in all the world.

"Prizes!" Matsuda quacked in ducky-glee, bouncing up and down on his costumed webbed feet. Aizawa snorted, and hit him over the back of the head.

"But...what prizes?" Light asked, at sea in front of the task force in his frilly, frilly dress.

"And how could I award them, anyway? We all didn't run the same shape, therefore - who won?"

"My dear boy, everyone won!" Soichiro threw out his arms while Matsuda quack-cheered. "Now, make haste! The prizes, my son!"

'Son is a relative term,' Light though, pulling at his dress. "Alright, alright, um...who's first?"

Matsuda quacked loudly. "Me first, me first!" he said childishly.

Light rolled his eyes, unsure of whether Matsuda was under the influence of this bizarre world or if he'd actually pull a stunt like this.

Matsuda did seem the type to do something like that normally anyway, even without the influence of this madness.

But...the issue of prizes? Light wracked his mind, trying to think of what he could gift to the race competitors, and for what reason. He had nothing spectacular in his pockets, but...maybe that would have to do?

"To Matsuda -" Light started with the task force member dressed as a duck, "I give this bow," he snatched the bow off of his head, and moved to place it around Matsuda's neck, "for being the most enthusiastic racer."

Moving through the rest of the task force members, Light gifted Aizawa and Ukita with feathers pulled from Matsuda's tail (Matsuda had screeched at that), and a series of over-elaborate bows torn from Light's dress respectively.

He wished he could have given them the dress itself, but then he'd be naked, and he did notwish to parade himself - male or female - in front of his father and the idiots that were his co-workers. Especially when Ryuuku could pop up any minute, asking for apples, and instead getting...that. He'd probably die from laughter.

...Hm. Maybe he should give up the dress after all...

But what if L was watching? The man did have a thing for video taping Light for days on end, after all.

"Ryuuzaki-san is a pervert!"

Light shuddered, both at the image of Pervert!L and Misa actually being right, then realized his father was talking again.

Not wanting to stick around for whatever madness was coming next, Light hurried on, through a door that had appeared in the wall some time ago, when they'd been "racing".

This door led to a forest.

Light didn't even question it this time, just kept walking. If he was lucky, he'd find something normal at the end of this forest.

That was assuming the forest actually had an end, anyway. In this land of nonsense, who was Light to try and apply the laws of physics and simple sanity? It appeared best to just react to events as they arose; it was useless creating plans for an environment when that very same environment kept shifting so very irritatingly under his feet -Light sighed, passing a hand through his hair in frustration. At least he'd lost that damn bow.

Following a path that seemed to have appeared from nowhere in front of his feet Light kept walking, dappled sunshine streaking in from the canopy above to light his way. The youth was getting rather fed-up of all the walking and running and climbing and other physical exertions this day kept demanding of him - Light was by no means unfit, but even he drew a line at some point or other. It wouldn't do to get too sweaty after all; it would ruin his usual calm countenance.

And L would probably laugh at him. Did L laugh? Light didn't think he'd even seen L laugh. Did he even want to? Urgh, this was hurting Light's head and -

Speaking of L...

Ahead of Light the path broke into two, one fork branching off to the left, the other veering sharply to the right.

Two paths, two choices, and two...two Ls standing in front of either one.

Urgh. Light repeated his internal complaint of before, coming to a halt at the fork and glaring at both males ahead of him. As if one wasn't bad enough.

"Hello Light-kun," chorused the two L's. They reminded L of something you'd see in a horror movie, standing there grinning at him (Come play with us, Light-kun!) like that. He briefly considered turning back, but then remembered exactly what was back there. His father and the others were probably holding limbo contests. Shuddering at the mental image, Light resigned himself and looked back and forth between the two L's.

"Ryuuzaki…I thought you were with Watari?"

"Watari's not here."

"I can see that."

"Watari had to leave," said the L to the left. "Watari had--"

"Business to do," finished the L on the right. "Very important business, he--"

"Had to get more cake." Left L this time.

"…" Deciding it was better for his remaining sanity to not question anything he saw from now on, Light looked at the two paths again. "Alright then…so which path am I supposed to take?"

"Take the path--"

"You have to take," said Right L, as Left L began chewing on his thumb. At Light's exasperated glare, he continued. "You don't know which path to take, left, right, left, right, so because you are facing the unknown--"

"Both paths may be right--"

"And both paths may be wrong."

"Both paths will take you where you want to go--"

"But since you don't know where you're going--"

"Whatever path you take will take you there."

"It's all very simple, Light-kun."

"Indeed. Someone with your reasoning abilities--"

"Should have figured it out."

By now, Light was feeling very dizzy and very frustrated. "So which one do you want me to take?!" he snapped.

"This one!" chirped Right L. "Take this one, take this one!"

"Yes, that one may be best," said Left L.

"Okay, fine." It was the first straight answer he'd gotten in this place, and as Light stepped forward he asked, "Why this one?"

"So B can take your eyeballs!" Light froze, staring at Right L. "That's the price to come to B's side, Light-kun, your eyeballs! Your lovely, soft, normal eyeballs! Know why? Because--"

"B likes jam."

"B likes jam! And eyeball juice is very good, it's the only jam B likes!" Light was no fully gaping in horror at Right L--no, B--who was staring at him in absolute ecstasy. "Why'd you stop? Come, come, Light-kun, this way, this way!"

"This is the right path?!" Light screeched, backing away from the psychotic L clone. He glared at Left, no, just L. "Why'd you tell me to go there? What do you want, my ears? My brain? My liver?"

"Liver is bad. Too plain. Not like jam."

"There is now a twenty percent chance Light-kun is Kira," said L calmly, ignoring B.

"What?"

"Kira is a very self-preserving person, Light-kun. You gave up the chance to move forward to save your eyes. Therefore--"

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Light stomped his foot (a testament to how insanely aggravated he was), emphasizing each word. "I. Am. Not. Kira!"

"You're acting very childishly, Light-kun. Kira is also--"

Light screamed and stormed away, ignoring L's muttered percentages and B's wails at lost Eye Jam.

Forget the Death Note. Forget a nice, simple heart attack. The moment Light got out of here, he was going to shoot L. Many, many times.

Starting with his eyeballs.

Light stormed away for about another yard or so, but knew he would have to make a decision sometime. If it wasn't for B's ridiculous requirement to take out his eyes, he'd certainly take his route. However, if he shoved past L, it was likely suspicion would arise in him again. He couldn't be discovered as Kira. If such a route had B guarding it, he'd rather be late for whatever would happen after this. He turned around and started walking to L's path. He knew L would say something, but he really hoped he could make a nice shove past him.

"Hello, again, Light. I still suspect you as Kira." said L. "Would you like to walk past me? If you do, that will automatically mean you are Kira, as you would rather preserve your eyesight than help me catch him."

"Look, I don't have time for your games. I really need to go, Ryuuzaki." he said.

Light gave L a rude shove out of his way and started to walk down the path. He could hear L raising the percentage of him being Kira, but this was completely ridiculous.

L's voice followed him down the path, but Light ignored it completely. Stupid bastard and his percentages. He hoped he'd choke on them in his sleep.

Not that L actually slept.

Thankfully, L's voice faded as he got further away from the fork, and soon came to a gate.

Well now. This was interesting.

It was a large wrought-iron gate, roughly about the height of two men, the hinges connected to two brick pillars either side. On the left pillar a copper plaque bore the title 'The Wammy's House', while the right held a small intercom Light assumed must connect to the large...house-building-thing he could see through the gate.

Light pressed the button on the intercom, unsure of just who it was he was connecting to. "Hello?"

There was a moment's silence, before the speaker on the intercom buzzed to life. "Are you here for tea?"

"I beg your pardon?" Light looked down at his watch - it wasn't even noon yet. "Isn't it a little early for tea?"

"It's never too early for tea."

Light frowned, but decided to go along with it. "Alright then. I'm here for tea, if you'll have me." The gates swung open. Light, unsure of where exactly he was meant to be going, headed for the building before him, climbing a short flight of stairs to the front door and pushing it open.

"Ah, Yagami-kun!" L looked up from the flower-printed china tea-cup he was sipping from. "You're finally here." The goofy smile Light so hated was plastered firmly on the detective's face.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me... Light had to strongly resist the urge to bang his head off a nearby wall - or the large table that was in the building's front entrance hall before him.

It was a long, long table, set with an innumerable number of places Light couldn't be bothered to count, each place set with it's own little steaming teapot and teacup. Sugar bowls lay heaped everywhere as did chocolate biscuits, and Light forced himself not wince at all the cavities that lot would be producing for the three souls perched at the very furthest end of the table away from him: -some blonde-haired girl-boy wearing bunny ears; a boy wearing goggles, mouse ears and completely absorbed in a beeping video game, and L wearing an extraordinarily ridiculous lime-green hat.

And how had L gotten there anyway?

L's smile suddenly faded. "Yagami-kun should know better to crash a party uninvited."

Light frowned. "You invited me. Through the intercom."

"I did no such thing."

"But I heard you."

"Then Yagami-kun must be hearing things, for I most certainly did not invite him." L bit his lip, the green hat dropping over his eyes. "But since Yagami-kun is here now, would he like some tea?"

Light rolled his eyes, but moved up to take a seat beside the lunatics. "Who's the girl?" He motioned at the bunny-ears wearer.

L looked vaguely troubled. "Mello is male, Yagami-kun."

"He looks like a girl, with that hair."

"Says the guy wearing a dress." 'Mello's' response was particularly acidic.

Wearing the--crap. Light scowled down at the mass of magenta and heard a series of squeaks. Looking up, he saw that the mouse was laughing at him - and it still hadn't looked up from its game.

"And you are…?"

"That's Matt," said Mello, still sounding miffed. Matt squeaked. "He won't say anything until he's beaten the level."

"Right…" Turning back to L, who was pouring ungodly amounts of sugar into his tea, Light asked, "So how the heck did you get here from the path?"

"I walked, of course." As he said this, a large teacup appeared in front of Light, who spent a good minute staring at it, before deciding that if it was poisoned, death might actually be a relief to this madness. Two bowls of cream and sugar appeared floating in the air, and Light - to his credit - took the cream without batting an eye. Watching L was enough to make one swear off sugar for good.

"Walked, huh? What happened, did you eat your cake car already?" he asked sarcastically.

"Cake? Oh no, no, no, not cake! Jam, Light-kun, jam!"

Light spit out his tea, ignoring the furious squeals of Matt, who's game system had just almost become another one of Kira's victims. "You!"

"Hello, Light-kun!" B waved. "Are you ready to give me your eyeballs now?"

"Get away from me, you freak!" Light backed up fiercely; of course, because he was sitting down, he overbalanced his chair and fell to the ground with a crash. Mello cracked up while B continued talking.

"--kun, because I really, really wouldn't mind taking them! Snip, snip, pluck, pluck, tasty juice for B to suck!"

"Don't you dare touch me!"

"I never pegged you as the rapist type, B! No wonder you have so many handcuffs!" Mello cackled and Matt, squeaking angrily, retreated into his teacup to finish his game in peace.

"I do not have handcuffs, L has handcuffs, L uses them on B all the time and he's not very gentle, but B's strong, so sometimes B--"

"I don't want to hear about your sexcapades with L!" screamed Light, shuffling backwards like a retarded crab. "Just leave me alone!"

"Is that why he sits the way he does?"

"Shut up! Just shut--"

"Light-kun!" And suddenly Light was back in his chair (how did that happen?) and B was leaning very close to him, still grinning. "Light-kun, do you know what today is?"

"Uh…" Light's stare was fixed on B's hand, which was still robotically filling his teacup with spoonful after spoonful of sugar. It was disgusting.

"Answer the question, dumb-ass," said Mello, sounding so amused that Light immediately decided he hated the she-male as much as he did B.

"I don't--"

"Today!" B leaned back in his chair and--(Oh God, Light thought, tell me he's not)--downed his tea in one gulp, smacking his lips as the cup instantly refilled itself and all Light could think of was all that sugar--"Today is Light-kun's Un-Birthday!"

"Hooray!" squeaked the teacup (Matt was probably almost done with his level, if he was forming words now), while Mello grinned unpleasantly.

"Oh yeah. Yay."

B drank more of his

tea and then set it down. "For Light's Un-Birthday, he will donate his precious eyeballs!"

"What's an Un-Birthday?" Light asked irritably, ignoring the eyeball comment.

"It's uhh…" B stared at Light and groaned. "I don't remember, okay? I just want my eyeballs!" he said eyeing the cup that was refilling itself.

Mello sighed.

"An Un-Birthday is everyday that your birthday isn't on. It's also known as everyday you're aging that leads to your next one."

"Oh, I see." replied Light with fake enthusiasm.

Of course, he didn't see, but he didn't want to provoke them into anything, especially anything involving his eyeballs. Speaking of eyeballs... He inched away from B's seat a little bit, before attempting to draw attention away from his eyes.

"So... Matt, was it?" he asked the teacup with the boy in mouse ears hiding inside. A series of half words, half squeaks answered him.

He inched away from him as well, and hoped to god crazy wasn't contagious.

Angela: I apologize again for the wait. But I got lazy with my little slave-er, co-writers, and didn't make them write. X3;;;;;; On the other hand, I hope the length of this makes up for the wait?