The next several weeks came and went. Kate continued to see Dr. Burke. Even though Dr. Burke assured her it was a process and it would take time, Kate still wasn't happy with the progress she was making. She wanted to feel better now. She didn't want to wait to deal with all the underlying issues to truly feel better…she wanted to fix everything now.
Over the past weeks she had avoided Castle as much as possible. Of course, he continued to come to the precinct and help with cases, but she kept their conversations about business. She was embarrassed to be around him. Embarrassed because he knew everything. Embarrassed because she was sure he thought she was weak. People have always thought she was so strong, but now Castle knew that was all an act; she wasn't strong…she couldn't handle everything. She felt like a farce. She wasn't what everybody thought she was. Other than Dr. Burke, Castle was the only one that knew about the cutting and she planned to keep it that way. She could barely face Castle, she couldn't imagine anyone else knowing. Castle continued to try and invite her to do things, asking her if she wanted to come to the loft for dinner, asking her if she wanted to go for a drink after a case…the man was persistent. But she turned him down every time, finding some excuse; she was tired, she had some paperwork to finish up, she had errands she had to run. She just couldn't face him outside work, when she knew the conversation would turn personal.
Castle was getting more and more worried as the weeks went on. He knew she was pulling away, and he knew why, but nothing he tried worked. He wasn't going to give up though, so as Beckett put her last piece of paperwork in the file, he decided to try again, "So do you want to go catch a movie or something? There are a few good ones that just came out."
Kate stood up and began putting her jacket on, "Sorry, Castle. I have a lot of errands I have to take care of. Next time?"
She started walking away but he stopped her, "That's what you said the last time Kate. And the time before that."
Kate turned around angrily, "Well I'm sorry Castle, I'm sorry I'm busy and I can't always entertain you."
Castle walked over to her, "You aren't busy Kate, your avoiding me. Don't forget, I know you…I know you're trying to push me away. That's why your acting so mean right now, you're hoping I get angry and walk away but you know what, it's not going to work."
Kate walked away before he could say anymore, walking to take the stairs so she wouldn't be stuck in the elevator with him. Castle started to follow her but thought better of it. He would let her cool off and try to talk to her later.
Kate decided to stop by the grocery store so she wouldn't completely be lying. As she was walking through the baking isle a pair of people caught her eye. A little girl, no older than 6, was standing near her mom, bouncing up and down with excitement.
The little girl, staring at her mom with big green eyes and brown curls, so similar to Kate at that age, pulled the chocolate chips off the shelf, "Can we make daddy some chocolate chip cookies mommy!? They're his favorite!"
The little girl's mother looked down and smiled at her baby, "Of course, I told you we could make some cookies together this weekend! Chocolate chip sound perfect, daddy will be so excited!"
"Yay, thank you mommy! I love you! I can't wait!" the little girl jumped up and down and then flung herself into her mother's arms.
The mother laughed, "I love you too baby girl! We'll have so much fun."
Kate couldn't stand it anymore. All she could see was her and her mother. They would always bake together; that was one of their special things. All of the sudden her mind was spinning with memories of shopping with her mother, of baking cookies and pies and cakes…her mom teaching her to draw with the frosting…her mom sneaking her a freshly baked cookie before dinner behind her father's back…of her accidently getting flour in her mother's hair and being so scared she would be mad, until her mom got a fistful of flour and blew it in her face and started an all out flour war. She would never have those moments again. She wouldn't get to see her mom baking with her children, teaching her kids the secret family recipes. She would never have any moments with her mom again. She was all alone. She had no one. She grabbed her purse and, leaving her bag of groceries behind, ran as fast as she could out of the store. She drove home as fast as she could, her breathing becoming shallow, her heart racing.
As soon as she shut her door she leaned against it and slammed her eyes shut. She tried to take a few deep breaths but she couldn't. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. She walked to her kitchen and stood there, just staring at the drawer she knew had her knives. She rubbed a hand over her face in frustration. Dr. Burke had told her to call him if she felt like cutting, and she had told him she would, but at this moment she didn't want to call him. She didn't want to go for a run. She didn't want to read a book, or go for a drive. She didn't want to do anything that was on her list of distractions. She wanted to cut.
'Screw it,' she thought as she walked to the drawer, 'who cares, no one will know.' She just kept telling herself that as she took the knife out. She knew what Dr. Burke would say but he just didn't understand, none of those 'distractions' made her feel better. None of those distractions made her feel better. She wanted to feel better. She needed to feel better. She couldn't take this anymore. She had to do something. She couldn't risk anyone accidently finding out so, with shaky hands she lifted her shirt and lowered the top of her pants just enough to reveal her lower abdomen. Before she could second guess herself she made a cut, bigger than the first cuts she made. That didn't help…she still didn't feel better. Getting more frustrated, she made another cut, taking all her frustration and pain out on her body. She started to feel better so she made a third cut. It was then that she realized something. The first time, after she made a few cuts, she felt better. This time, she just wanted to keep going. Was this what Dr. Burke was talking about? He kept telling her that cutting was a slippery slope, but she didn't understand…didn't necessarily believe him. But now, as she was standing in her kitchen with a knife in her hands, she understood. She felt it. The first time she felt guilty, this time she didn't. Not only was it easier to justify and cut this time, she found she didn't want to stop. It was helping even more this time…and she didn't want to stop. She dropped the knife and covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying and shaking. She fell to the floor. God, what had she done?