Dear lordie, this chapter sounds like a crack fic. I've edited it so many times, but I just can't get rid of the crack-like flavor, y'know? I'll just have to blame Kaoru for being a fucking weirdo. Also, an important note: As of this chapter, I'll be changing the story rating to M. Because of Kaoru (absolutely not me, of course), we should expect the use of increasingly worse adult humor and situations, so just be aware of that.

But anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed! It means a lot!

Finally, a response to the guest who asked about why Kaoru's subordinate (Enzo) can bully her: Good observation! I'll probably get into detail sometime later, though the long story short is that they go back to their recruit days and neither of them really care about ranks with each other. Hope that suffices for now :)

chapter two: the boyband and their biggest fan

In reality, it comes as no surprise that I find myself on Sabaody at the same time as the so-called Worst Generation. If anything, it was my intention, which is why as soon as I made it to captain a few months ago, I'd requested a transfer to the mangrove forest.

As for my reasons—well, they weren't anything particularly crafty. Mostly, I was bored, and I wanted to be where the action was. After hearing about Crocodile's downfall a while back, I knew it was only a matter of time before the main cast showed up at Sabaody. As for what I would do when that finally happened…?

Well, I dunno. I didn't think that far ahead.

Falling into place behind my men, I stuff my last few steamed buns into my pocket for safe-keeping, pleased to find that my almost late arrival has hardly been acknowledged—though, Enzo does shoot me a quick glare before redirecting his attention to the front of the Auction House. Following his gaze, I catch sight of three shadows advancing towards us, their voices echoing under the arch of the entranceway as they engage in the kind of argument that only small children and men could understand.

"Just stand back. I can handle this by myself."

"No, I'll do it! You're just gonna get in the way!"

"I hope you're not trying to order me around…"

At the rear, the Commodore glowers. He raises his hand, signaling the rest of us to prepare for combat.

"Ready yourselves!" an officer warns, lifting his rifle and aiming it at the boys.

"They're all captains!"

"300 million, 315 million, and 200 million berries!"

My heart beats in my throat as the three rookies come into view, their frames contrasting sharply as they stand side by side. From the right to the left stand Monkey D. Luffy, Eustass Kid, and Trafalgar Law; like a spectrum of bright and happy to progressively more and more emo. Indeed, they're a strange trio no matter how you look at them, but what's really striking is the way the sunlight hits them like…heavenly rays illuminating upon the most glorious and radiant of angels~so dreamy~sigh~~

"Not this again," Enzo murmurs beside me, though his words more or less come in through one ear and leave out the other. Palms pressed against my cheeks as I blush and giggle girlishly, I'm far too immersed in the surrealness of the situation to register what he says or to even care about it in the first place. To think, that this poorly written fanfiction that's become my life would lead me to see the Holy Trinity with my own, undeserving mortal eyes… I can only describe the experience as being like seeing your favorite band at the front row of a concert and wishing you could climb up the stage so you could touch them. Which I may or may not have done before.

Enzo coughs, as if advising me to hurry it up with my routine. I intend to ignore him, but then he just flat out says, "Is this gonna happen every time you see mildly attractive men?"

With that, I return to reality, scowling at the master chief petty officer.

"Hey," I warn him, "Don't make the readers think I'm some kind of common pervert. I only act like this for canon characters and other attractive persons ranked seven and a half or above."

He gives me a confused expression. "What the hell are you talking about…"

But of course—as much as I hate to admit it—the man is right. This is hardly the time to indulge in my teenage fangirl tendencies. As deeply ingrained as they are, I am an adult.

I am a marine.

Not that either of those things mean much, BAHAHA~

Luffy moves forward, crossing his arms over his chest. He stands confidently in front of the marines, speaking dismissively to the other two captains beside him.

"You guys stay back," he states. "I don't need your help."

The pale, goth guitarist scowls. "I thought I told the two of you to stay back, huh?"

Coolly, the tan and edgy drummer warns, "If you try to order me around one more time, I'll take you out first, Eustass-ya."

When did I start fantasizing about the pirates as actual members of a boyband in an alternate universe? I can't say. But with that exchange, all the heat floods to my face. I can only bite my tongue helplessly as I wait for my blush to recede.

Enzo gives me a disappointed look, but says nothing.

The Commodore lowers his arm.

"Fire the mortars!"

I flinch at the sound of the barrage, using my Sense Sense Fruit powers to lessen the intensity of the noise. It's time to get serious, I suppose, though I'm not entirely sure what my role in this battle should be. I know that ideally, I shouldn't get involved—else I'd risk screwing up the plot—but as a captain, I can't just run away and do nothing.

I mean, I could.

But that would be wrong.

Explosives and weapons fly through the air, and it's only thanks to observation Haki that I manage to sidestep a bomb that ricocheted off of Strawhat's rubber balloon and towards my face, along with an array of swords and guns that were undoubtedly repelled by Kid's magnetic powers. Unsurprisingly, the Navy's efforts are no match against the trio's devil fruit abilities—but despite being an officer, I can't help but feel a sense of pride over their strength. Honestly, this would've been such a great moment if I was safe on the other side of my computer screen and not actively trying to not get blown up or stabbed.

"Room."

My eye twitches when I realize I'd been encircled by a light blue field.

"Shambles."

Well, fuck.

.

.

.

The Heart Pirate captain's attack lives up to its namesake, leaving at least half of my subordinates in shambles. While I didn't escape from his Op-Op fruit without any losses myself (I lost at least half a steamed bun and the lower right part of my coat), I know I can't afford to dwell on it too much. What matters right now is that I still have at least two and a half buns tucked away somewhere on my body.

...And that I have to make sure no one else gets cut up, of course. I don't even want to think about the headache I'll get trying to rearrange the dislocated lot of marines into their respective parts. I'll do what I can to minimize my inevitable stress and the arguments over dick sizes that'll undoubtedly ensue.

Drawing my sword, I stand in front of the Surgeon of Death, looking him square in the eyes.

"I thought this was supposed to be the Law-less Zone. What are you doing here, Trafalgar Law?"

I hold in a snigger, but a little comes out as a choking sound. Settling for a grin, my opponent's own smirk instantly turns into a frown.

Gray eyes stare at me blankly.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Was that supposed to be a joke?"

I stiffen.

"That depends. Did you think it was funny?"

"No."

"Then, no. It wasn't supposed to be a joke."

A cloud of depression threatens to loom over me, and before I know it, I'm in the corner of the circular room (if that's even possible), curled up and pouting.

"I thought it was pretty funny," I mutter to myself.

In the background, marines yell, "Kaoru-taichou!"

"She's been defeated by her own bad joke!"

"Trafalgar Law didn't even have to touch her!"

The captain of the Heart Pirates, on the other hand, just watches me uncertainly.

Then, he says, while twirling his sword in his hands, "This'll be over quick."

I yelp as I jump out of the way of his attack, a slice that would have surely cut my body in half. The pirate casts me a deadly look as I continue to evade him, the dark circles under his eyes making him appear downright evil. If I were anybody else, I'd probably be a little intimidated. But because I'm a fan, it just sends love arrows through my heart and makes my nose bleed a little.

"She's bleeding! Kaoru-taichou is bleeding from her nose!"

"What?! Did he get her?!"

"No! He didn't even have to touch her! Again!" the marines yell.

Blushing furiously, I wipe the blood off with my sleeve. "Shut the fuck up, you assholes!" I scream, swearing that I'll pay them back for their useless commentary later. Let me tell you something—I refuse to have my character overlap with Sanji's. I'm an OC. I need to be original!

Just before he tries to pull another move, Law turns away, shutting his eyes as he experiences a sudden influx of light. Taking advantage of his distracted state, I use shave to flicker directly in front of him—but even without his vision, he manages to block my sword with his own.

Grunting, my feet skid against the ground as he pushes me backward.

It'd definitely be interesting to see how I'd fare against the future warlord, but aside from the gut feeling that tells me I'd probably get my ass kicked and like it (hehehe), I know this isn't the time or place to indulge in my curiosity. Kizaru and the fake Kumas are arriving soon, and I'm more than aware that if I do anything too extra, it could risk getting Law and the others caught. And if that happens, they would probably all be killed. And if they're all killed, the balance between the powers of justice or whatever would be disrupted. And then, the universe would probably be ruined forever and blow up or something. And worst of all, it would be all my fault.

I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility.

That being said, I decide I should at least hold Law off until his crew arrives. I figure it's the best way of ensuring that the storyline will continue as planned, despite my involvement. Not that I'm really sure, though—I can't actually remember the details of what's supposed to happen.

Clangs of metal fill the air as our swords furiously collide. Law teleports behind me, swinging Kikoku, and I narrowly avoid getting myself cut into pieces. Again.

Lunging forward, I throw a fist at the super rookie. He guards himself with his arm, but he pulls back immediately, wincing. The contact should have felt unbearably cold. When he blocks me a second time, he pulls back again. This time, it should have felt unbearably hot.

Law jumps backwards, increasing the distance between us and sending another slash from across the blue room. Using my devil fruit powers, I disrupt his sense of balance. He stumbles, digging his sword into the ground to keep himself upright.

"You having trouble there, Trafalgar?"

The pirate scowls at Kid, who's sneering down at him arrogantly. "Mind your own fight," he warns, glare never leaving me. "You've got some strange abilities, Navy-ya."

I snicker. "I don't wanna hear that from you, Law-kun." His smirk widens.

The Sense Sense Fruit. With its powers, I can control a person's perception. That's why it was possible to make the pirate believe he'd encountered a blinding light or lost his balance, and even develop wounds from what should have felt like burns from ice and fire.

As we eye each other carefully, anticipating the other's next move, the rest of the pirate captains' crewmembers start exiting the Auction House.

"Whoa, whoa, what's going on all of a sudden?!"

"Wow! Wooo~w! I can't believe my eyes! Although of course, I don't have any eyes! Yohohoho!"

"Oh man, you've really caused a scene there, Captain…"

"Quick tempers, the lot of 'em…"

Finding that the added musclepower was proving to be just as formidable as their captains, the marines hasten to get the situation under control. The Commodore looks particularly irritated, yelling, "Don't underestimate us you little brats! Reinforcements are on the way!"

Law stands a few meters ahead of me, his attention divided between myself and the other captains who've somehow reconvened beside him. Deciding I'd leave them to their bro talk, I sheathe my sword. The Heart pirate captain watches me warily, just as a marine runs up from behind me, ready to attack him.

"Trafalgar Law…how dare you do that to my comrades!"

Holding my arm out, I send an impulse that turns his vision black. The soldier trips, falling smack into the ground on his face. For good measure, I cut off his hearing for a while, too.

Bepo, who'd at some point jumped into the air to protect his captain, is stopped mid-kick when I grip his ankle (Is that what you call them on bears?) and twist his foot away from me. Quickly freeing him from my grasp, I hold my hands up to show that I'm not a threat.

"You should go," I say. "I won't interfere."

The terribly cute mink gives me a puzzled expression as he lands on his paws, looking back between me and his captain as if demanding an explanation. Law doesn't move at first, but eventually slings his sword over his shoulder, looking me over one last time.

"I don't know what you're playing at, Navy-ya…but there's no time to find out."

I nod, watching as he shifts his gaze.

"Let's go, Bepo."

The polar bear blinks once before scrambling up. "Aye aye, Captain!" he exclaims, hurriedly following after the pirate.

With a sigh, I check out Law's ass appreciatively as he leaves, before glancing down hesitantly at the marine I'd knocked down. Restoring his vision and hearing while smiling innocently, I help him stand up and ask if he's alright. He nods slowly, still slightly disoriented.

"What…what happened?"

"The bear knocked you out," I say, without missing a beat.

"The…bear?"

"Yeah, he's really fast and he knows kung fu. It's okay if you don't remember."

I cough awkwardly.

He doesn't seem to notice.

Hoping to change the subject, I pull him towards the medics. "Well, let's get you checked out."

The marine nods, rubbing the bump on his head. "Thanks, Kaoru-taichou…"

Vaguely, I wonder if people usually feel bad when they lie.

"Don't mention it."