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It rained, how appropriate. But I didn´t wanted to stand under an umbrella. As long as it was raining and I wasn´t hidding under an umbrella I became soaked. If I was soaked then no one could see my tears running down my face.

John's hand on my back was a big support. He said nothing but his hand meant so much more than words could say. It made sure that I didn´t fall. I didn´t collapse.

The priest was holding a long speech which I understood nothing from. Probably because I only half listened. The parents of James also held a few words. The whole time I wanted to cry, to yell, to scream at them that they had never known James. Not the way I did. They couldn´t even be reach when James was brought in the hospital. They haven´t said goodbye or held his hand. James was sent off to boarding school when he was only four years old. Even during the vacations, he was picked up by the staff and then he spent the vacation on his own.

These people aren´t parents. Both my dad and James mom and dad, you can´t call them parents. They were sponsors. People who want to show off their children. Look how well Tracy is doing. Jeff would be so proud. James doing so great in school. And what a polite boy he is. His parents have raised them right. But in the ´parents´ eyes it´s never enough and then they sent money to make them even better. If they only knew…

Someone asked if I wanted to say a few words but I couldn´t get anything out of my throat. I shook my head and felt John's arm around my shoulders.

I watched how the coffin, with my best friend inside, sank into the ground. A few people threw flowers down and I shut myself off from the world.

"It's time to go." Said John softly and it took a while before I realized that there was no one left but John and me.

I said my last goodbye muttering so John couldn´t hear me. "I promise I won´t let our plans die. I´ll continue and make sure that everything we did, it wouldn´t be for nothing. I´ll take care of Zo. Make a future with San. I never forget what you did for me. Never."

"Alan? Are you coming with me?"

"Jah." Did I whisper and let me guide back to the car by John.

John drove back to the hotel in the rental car and left me in silence. As far as he had kept his promise, he left me alone to process everything myself.

Without saying anything we walked to the hotel room where I dressed into some dry clothes and lay down on the couch.

I put on a movie, don´t know which, and rested my head on John's lap. It didn´t feel uncomfortable, strangely I felt save.

A phone rang, John's mobile. Without moving me too much, he answered the call. "John." ... "Yes everything is all right here." ... "No, we´re doing some traveling. Taking some time off. "..." No everything is going well. "..." I get that. "..." That's not it what. "..." No "..." That will be his decision. "..." No Scott, I´m not gonna force him. He needs to be alone for a few day´s. He barely let me come with him."..." Yes. "..." I'll see you at the graduation. "..." No I have everything under control. "..." I get that. "..." Don´t. "..." Scott if you set even one toe in England before you needed here, I´ll make personally sure that Gordon has a hand free with your bird. "..." try me. "..." Maybe. Let's see if he's awake. "

He stroked his hand through my hair. "You think you can talk a minute with Scott?" He whispered. I nodded and took the Phone over from him.

"Hey Scooter." I said lazy.

"Everything all right Alan? 'Sounded worried on the other side of the line.

"Yes. Just a little bit tired. Thats all."

"You know you're in trouble, right. First you disappear from the house on the island and then you disappear also completely from the island. I don´t care that you're an adult. You're really in trouble. I speak to you at your graduation. "

I remained silent. What do you say to that.

"Hey, are you sure everything is okay?" Scott asked.

"Yeah. Scott, would you mind. I'm exhausted."

"No I don´t mind, go to sleep. You sound like you could drop dead any moment." He said grinning but I crawled together at his words. John´s hand brushed again through my hair to comfort me. "Love you baby bro."

'Love you to." I hung up as soon as possible and gave the device back to John who looked at me worried.

"Don´t worry about Scott. I´ll make sure that Scott would be to hard on you when we get home. "Said John. "If you still don´t want to tell them. I make something up."

"I tell them when we get home." I mumbled and closed my eyes. If I ever go home. I thought to myself but the words didn´t come out. These are things that John doesn´t necessarily needs to know. With the sound of the TV in the background, I fell asleep.

I was sitting separated from my family. John had promised me that he wasn´t going to tell them. But I saw my father and brothers looking at him. I was surprised that they even come here all five. Something in my mind told me that they came because they loved me but a larger more influential voice full with years of disappointments told me that this was again a way to show off. The press would love to have a picture of my dad and brothers I could already see the headline. Jeff Tracy's youngest son, graduated and like his brothers walking successful in his father's footsteps. His future fixed, not really.

"Dear pupils, parents, family, friends." Began the headmaster when he was on stage. Followed by a long speech about hope, future, all those things which I do not really listen to it until the end. When I heard something I wished he let out. "I can proudly announce you that this year two students graduated under the title cum laude. What means with the highest honor. An honorable title. These two students were on school grounds better known as the Whalton twins."

"Oh no." I crawled together. "Please don´t. Don´t say it." But he didn´t hear me.

"These two are well known around campus because they were inseparable. If you saw one you could bet that the other was just a step behind. Their bond was stronger than brothers or best friends, and one couldn´t exist without the other. Was there one sick then the other would be find along the sick one´s bed to take care of him. If one of the two didn´t have a steady girlfriend for years, it wouldn´t surprise me that they had a relationship together. All were they making a lot of trouble together, you couldn´t imagine two better boys on the world. Both cared more about the other than about himself, this they had proven many times. To everyone's grief one half of the twins got a tumor. Not long after the diagnoses he blew out his last breath while he was still laughing with his adopted twin brother. I would like to ask you for a minute of silence for that special kid. James."

My throat was burning, I felt how the girl next to me, Anouk, took my hand and gently squeezed it. I looked at her gratefully. I recognized her, she had been out a few times with James. I know her not very well but the gesture touched me. Her head landed on my shoulder and I pressed my cheek against her head. Sandy will understand that I just needed support now.

"I would like to give the stand to our honor student and the other half of the twins. Alan Tracy, son of Jeff Tracy and our most honorable student."

I felt everyone in the room looking at me when I climbed the stage.

Good night... sleep tight and dream of bedbugs tonight.

xoxox Flora