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When George and Don left the office Olivia and Elliot jumped to their feet to fill their Captain in on what they had learned.
"Ok so the apparent rape suicide isn't as straight forward as we'd hope. John Doe's prints were on the gun and there was a struggle, the murder was her accidentally shooting him and then she shot herself. However the fluid found on our Jane Doe isn't a match to John." Elliot explained.
"Seeing as John Doe's DNA matches two open rape cases and his pants were down we believe he was probably going to rape Jane however Warner says there's severe vaginal trauma so we have reason to believe that the semen caking her thighs is from a rape happening the same night, it would explain the suicide."
"Which makes whoever raped her the first time guilty of third degree manslaughter." Cragen said as he looked at the board. "Any hits on the DNA?"
"No except that it matches three open rape cases." Elliot said.
"Munch and Fin have finished with the kids statement the doctor confirms that the bruises are actually consistent with apparent angle that the kid fell down the stairs so they're on the way back now." Olivia added and Cragen nodded.
"Ok Olivia sit in with Hendrix, Elliot go see Warner and get the files on the three other rapes when you get back fill Munch and Fin in and try and find out who are Jane Doe is then go over everything in the three other statements." Don told them all.
Olivia bit her tongue but instantly folded her arms across her chest. Hendrix and Olivet had filled her and Elliot in on the pilot proposal while they waited for Don and so she knew why she had to see each shrink but she had to admit that she didn't like it, especially didn't like divulging to Olivet who was one of Olivia's friends, closest friends at that.
"We'll go upstairs to the lounge." Hendrix smiled her hand landing on Olivia's shoulder.
She shrugged away and nodded, she was still quite weary of people touching her unexpectedly and was still in therapy even though the flashbacks had stopped and the nightmares were few and far between. Hendrix instantly took note of Olivia's obvious discomfort at being touched.
Once in the lounge Olivia sat at the edge of the couch with her elbow on her knees and her hands clasped together, she hated yearly psych evals and hated how they expected you to divulge everything at the same time digging out their files from the Morris Commission which held details of every evaluation.
"So how are you Olivia?" Rebecca asked as soon as she'd made herself comfortable with her legal pad and pen, on her lap was what was visibly Olivia's file.
"I'm fine." Olivia replied. "Bit pissed that we have to have three psych evals and have you observing us doing are jobs for reasons you can't seem to justify but other than that I'm fine." She snapped.
"Ok." Hendrix said with a slight raise of her eyebrows. "So the last time you were evaluated by George Huang was about six months ago?"
"Yeah after a rough case, we all spoke to George, heck even George saw someone." Olivia shrugged.
"I heard." Hendrix replied. "The last time you saw George for reasons unknown was back just over a year ago, it says here…" Hendrix flipped through Olivia's file while Olivia's stomach did summersaults. "it was after an undercover op."
"Yeah it's procedure to be evaluated after a long undercover op." Olivia replied trying to hide anything that would give away what was really going through her mind.
"A normal after undercover evaluation lasts about thirty minutes, according to the little notes George Huang took you were talk to him for three hours, care to explain?" Hendrix asked.
"No." Olivia replied with a smirk. "And I don't have to, everything you need to know is in those notes."
"Ok so why has George written right at the end 'possible PTSD?' and underlined it a few hundred times?" Hendrix asked with a smirk of her own.
"I don't know you'd have to ask George that." Olivia replied dryly.
"Olivia, I know you had PTSD, or most commonly known as RTS, were you raped while you were undercover?" Rebecca asked.
"No." Olivia spat. "And I don't know why you think I had PTSD either." Olivia replied her face betraying her voice which sounded strong.
"I also know you spoke to a shrink about it, went to group therapy, one to one, did it help?" Rebecca asked.
"Where are you getting this from?" Olivia asked her heart hammering hard inside her chest.
"Just answer the question." Rebecca replied.
"Yes it helped now where did you get this information from?" Olivia hissed visibly pissed.
"Nowhere, I asked general questions, if you'd have continued to deny them I would have believed you eventually." Rebecca smirked.
"You had no right, no one… it's not known that I had PTSD I saw a shrink that had no connection to the NYPD for a reason." Olivia explained.
"I guessed that." Rebecca replied. "I also know while you were suffering from PTSD you continued to work, you carried a gun, do you know how stupid that was Olivia?"
"I took some time." Olivia replied.
"Yeah five days after you left the prison and two weeks about six months later." Rebecca had obviously done her reading. "You know you could have lost everything right?"
"I do and I didn't." Olivia replied. "I got help Rebecca, I still attend a therapy session once a month now just to stay on the right path, the flashbacks are gone, the nightmares aren't half as often as they used to be and I haven't had a panic attack in months." She explained visibly uncomfortable with this conversation.
"Were you raped Olivia?" Rebecca asked softly.
"No." Olivia replied shaking her head. "I was sexually assaulted."
"Liv?" Rebecca questioned and Olivia knew that the shrink needed more details.
"I was orally sodomised." Olivia said. "It was brief it was… Fin … Detective Tutuola came in right on time."
"It doesn't make a difference you w…"
"I know." Olivia replied with a soft chuckle. "I was still violated, I'm still a victim, I've heard it all Rebecca, I've accepted it all and I've moved on with my life as much as I possibly could."
"Does your partner know?" Rebecca asked moving on.
"No." Olivia replied shaking her head softly and the answer surprised the shrink, she thought if anyone would know it would be Elliot.
"How come?" Rebecca asked.
"He doesn't need to be making sure I can do my job." Olivia replied her eyes glazing over a little and Rebecca could tell she was thinking about something but decided not to press on it.
"So who does know?" Rebecca asked.
"Don Cragen and Fin." Olivia replied.
"How did Don find out?" Rebecca inquired and Olivia sighed and sat back in her seat, she hated seeing a shrink, she often felt like she was being interrogated.
"I told him." Olivia replied. "After a tough case about six months ago he told me I needed to take some time, that's when I took two weeks off, that night I went round to his place and I told him everything or everything with a lot of skirting around the details."
"Ok." Rebecca smiled reassuringly as she scribbled some notes. "Tell me about your relationship with Fin."
"What do you wanna know?" Olivia frowned.
"What your relationship was like and what it's been since your undercover op." Rebecca explained and Olivia rolled her eyes.
"Fin's like a brother to me, yes we're closer since he saved my life but we've been close since he was shot while we were on a stake out, he's Fin, he's great." Olivia shrugged she really didn't know what to say.
"Ok… and your relationship with Don?" Rebecca asked.
"We've been a lot closer since I told him the truth, I mean we were close anyway, he's the only father figure I've ever known but he's made sure I know what it's like to have a father not just the joys of having one but the responsibility that comes with it too." Olivia replied.
"Responsibilities?" Rebecca questioned.
"Yeah." Olivia replied not wanting to divulge to Hendrix what she meant but she knew she'd stepped in it and that she would have to divulge.
"What type of responsibilities?" Rebecca inquired her voice changing to match the intrigue.
Olivia sighed, she hated thinking about the responsibilities that Don had instilled on her all those weeks ago.
"He … he… he…" Olivia couldn't bring herself to tell Hendrix.
"He?" Rebecca asked and it was obvious that she wasn't going to drop it.
"He gave me the papers to his estate, his finances, a key to a lock box and the details of his lawyer and his… his funeral arrangements." Olivia explained.
"He's instilled those responsibilities on you?" Rebecca asked and Olivia just nodded in reply. "How does that make you feel Olivia?"
"I don't like to think about it, you know? I feel like I've already lost one parent, one I wasn't close to but Don … he's the only man who's ever loved me the way he does, unconditionally, you know? I didn't know what it was like but knowing that he … that he needs me to do this for him… it … it made me know that not only does he love me but he trusts me to respect his wishes when … when the time comes. He said that before me he'd not even thought about what would happen if he died, who would take care of everything and it took him nearly nine years to ask me, it was something he'd thought about after the first year I'd worked here because of how close we were but it was eight years later when he finally had the courage to sit me down and ask me and I didn't want to listen, I didn't want to think about his death, his ending but I had to just like ever daughter or son has to think about their parents dying I have to do that to the only person who's ever loved me like that so the answer to how it makes me feel is - it hurts Rebecca… It hurts to know that one day all those papers shoved in a box beside the box containing everything about my estate and finances I am going to have to sit down and go through them and when I do have to do that it will be because the man I look up to, the man who I'd openly call my hero is gone and that fucking hurts but until that day comes, until that day I try not to think about it, I can't go through every day worrying that Don's going to drop dead so I try and cherish each day that I get to spend with him." Olivia replied before getting up.
"Olivia I'm not done." Rebecca said quickly.
"But I am." Olivia replied the tears at the edge of her eyes so close to spilling over and she didn't want to cry in front of Rebecca over her fear of Don's death.
Rebecca just scribbled a small note while Olivia walked downstairs and re-joined the group.