A/N: If you really need to be warned about the presence of blokes kissing, then I may need to hold your hand throughout the rest of this fic. (Don't worry... I won't get too fresh.) Oh, and this will likely stick to a T rating. It does irritate me that M stories do not show up in the normal feed of the site, though I suppose I understand.

And thank you very much for the encouraging and funny reviews! It makes me more excited to update which you should notice I'm doing EARLY. FOR YOU. BECAUSE I LIKE YOU. Keep reviewing! I live off reviews! And you want me to live… right?

Chapter Three: The Onyx Basilisk and the Snake Pit

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"Onyx basilisk. Black snake," I muttered. "Oh gods. I have to snog someone.." I gulped and pulled on my collar.."Not just someone.. A bloke! I have to snog a bloke who goes by the name onyx basilisk. There's only one pouf in this entire school both barmey and ballsy enough to dub himself a name as pervy and grand as the onyx basilisk." This was a bloke who surpassed me in his level of vanity. This was a bloke who tried to get under my skin on a daily basis. This was a bloke who'd been trying to get me to play on his team since before Hogwarts, though I was too innocent to know such things at that time. This was a bloke who slept in my dorm, who tried to play footsie with me every dinner while Pansy laughed.

This was Blaise Zabini, ice queen of Slytherin.

I did not know exactly where to find him, but I did know where to begin my quest. Swallowing my pride, I headed swiftly to the special part of Hogwarts castle. The part that was only uttered in a whispered hush, or told as a dirty secret.

Obviously I'd never been inside, but I'd heard the rumors from Millicent and, yes, from Blaise. And just like in the legends, once I saw the large portrait of the nude warlock, I rounded a corner, veered to the right and stopped at a very narrow passageway. A tall, muscular Ravenclaw boy with light brown skin and dark hair was guarding the door. He regarded me with a small smirk.

I panted, out of breath. "I need... the snake pit," I wheezed. (I really needed to get back in shape for my task. It's murder trying to plot dastardly murderous plots, I tell you! Often one doesn't sleep or eat as much as one should want which doesn't do much for staying fit! I'd probably lost TWO stones just since last weekend. Pity me!)

"It's okay, handsome," he drawled. "Take a few breaths. I can wait."

I glared at him whilst clutching my stomach. "I'm not your handsome," I snarled. "I'm Malfoy, and I'm not one of you-"

"Oh, I know who you are," he chirped. "We all know. Honestly, we've been waiting for years for you to come 'round. Well, let us have the password, then."

"Snake pit!" I snapped, straightening myself out and stretching. I noticed his eyes wander down my body. "Eyes on my eyes, you pervert!" I said. I was in no mood for this sort of rubbish. I got enough of it every day in the dorms.

"Close but no chocolate frog," he said. "Come now, Malfoy. Think."

"Onyx basilisk! I need to see the onyx basilisk!" I commanded.

"Say please," he urged, with a smile.

"You're jumped up if you think I'm going to use any manners on you, you poncy Ravenclaw poufter!"

"Say please!" he barked, suddenly not looking very cheery anymore. He lifted up a fist as though to punch me in the face.

"Yes, sir," I bowed my head, my eyes widening. "Please let me see the onyx basilisk. He should be expecting me."

He motioned me forward with his finger and then patted me once on the head. "There, there, Malfoy. There's a sweet boy. Welcome to the snake pit." With a dramatic show, he opened a few locks and held the door for me.

It was more fantastical and foreboding than I ever would have imagined. The room was about the size of the Prefect's baths, and contained the same number of whirlpool bathtubs. But instead, it was set in handsome black marble, and portraits of scantily clad witches and wizards lined the walls. The stories were true: Hogwarts had its own secret gay bathhouse. My first instinct was to tell my father, but I remembered with a sigh that he was in prison. Then I remembered with a shudder that I'd happened upon his diary from the 1970s just this past summer, and he likely would be interested in funding a place like the Snake Pit (blech!).

As I gazed around the room, all thoughts of Father and other such matters cleared out of my mind immediately for in the center of the room on a jet black throne surrounded by underclassman brandishing fans was Blaise Zabini. He was clad in a full-bodied bathing suit of yesteryear, all green with a matching cut-off top and shorts. One of the boys popped a small peppermint into his open mouth. My own mouth dropped open. I wasn't gay- not a smidge- but I was jealous! I wanted to be the middle of the attention! I wanted a black throne! Where the blazes was MY black throne!?

"Hullo, Draco," greeted Blaise primly, putting one slender leg over the other. He sucked on the mint in a most scandalous way.

"Onyx basilisk?" I snapped. "Really?"

"It's a codename I created for the sake of Pansy's game," he replied, taking out a nail file and examining his hands. "Shall I just call you the ivory serpent? Being that you're likely jealous of my codename and all."

I rolled my eyes. "Please! I don't need a codename! Especially one as cheap as that. Though it's perfect for a little Nouveau riche wanker like yourself."

Blaise did not look up. He continued filing his nails with that stuffy attitude I so despised. "How do you like the snake pit?"

"It's not much," I snorted. "I see you have a throne and some servants. Like that makes you cool. But remember, there's only one Draco Malfoy." I tried to sneer but I just couldn't. I was so damned jealous I could have cried!

"Yes, yes," he said, waving me away with a flippant hand gesture. How dare he! "You told me as much this evening. In your words, I'd only count in terms of sexiness if I weren't a pouf. Isn't that correct?"

His gay little henchmen all posed dramatically and glared at me. I glared back. "Yes," I barked, "and I stand by my words! There's only one king of Slytherin house and it's me!"

"Oh we're all well-aware of how great you are, Draco. But pardon me, dear... you're on my turf now. And my turf, my rules," he purred. His henchmen cackled adoringly. "Have you worked out the clue?"

"I'm not daft," I retorted quickly. "Pansy wrote it, and she's a lunatic who wants my body even though she can't admit it to herself. She also probably wants your body and she's sore you're a queer. So! She obviously wants us to snog, so let's have done with it! And then I've got to collect a clue to be on my way."

Blaise grinned, as his little cronies burst into laughter. He snapped and they immediately scampered off to pose by the baths. I was impressed. My cronies weren't even house-broken as far as I knew. I tried very hard to stop being jealous. "Well, come on, now. Give us a kiss," Blaise said, and sat up straighter.

"Ugh," I said aloud and braced myself. "Okay, let's do this." I sauntered toward Blaise, giving a backwards sneer at the gaggle of boys who cooed and shouted adoringly. Once close to Blaise I leaned over him and planted a very brief snog on his open lips. Ew! "There!" I said. "Done. Let's have your pants-"

"Not so fast, you cheater," Blaise said, and caught my hands, twisting them. I whined in pain. He snatched Longbottom's pants out of my satchel and read the Y-front. "Ah-HA! Just as Pansy told me! It's not just any kiss, you saucy boy! It's a French kiss! And don't think you're getting off so easily. I want a full on Frenchie with Draco Malfoy, or I'll add a prank of my own on you and you'll heavily regret that. Ahem! Creevey! CREEVEY!"

A twiggy, pale Gryffindor boy emerged from the gaggle of cronies. "Yes, Mr. Zabini! What is it?"

"Camera at the ready, I presume?" winked Blaise with a long smile.

"Oh yes!" the lithe boy squeaked. "Always at the ready, sir!"

I made a yelp of protest but Blaise clapped his smooth hand over my mouth. "Ah ah, Draco. If you don't kiss me correctly, this goes all over school. If you do a good job of it, you'll get the next clue and I'll destroy the evidence."

The Creevey kid looked downcast, but I gave a slight nod. "If it is what I must do, I shall do it. For the sake of heterosexual boinking."

"Draco, you're so odd. Shut up and snog me," Blaise said, and fluttered those girlish long eyelashes of his. To my horror, he patted his slim lap.

I winced, but Creevey gave me a shove impressive for a runt of his size. I basically fell into Blaise's lap and had to right myself. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?" I challenged. "I mean, I'm much more of a bloke than you-"

"Oh, you're just as Pansy said you would be... A self-hating top with a fear of losing control. Well, you've come to the right teacher, Draco. The onyx basilisk will take great care of you," he said smoothly and rifled his hands through my bangs, bringing his face to meet my own. I shut my eyes tight and grimaced as Blaise worked his long tongue into my mouth. After a few seconds, I quit acting like a three year old though I was still quite horrified. If I kept my eyes closed, I could pretend it was Granger.

Nasty, nosy, annoying Mudblood Granger with her devil-may-care hair and her bossy voice and her perky little tits. Punching me. Slapping me. Straddling me 'til I flip her over and pull at her hair and wipe that know-it-all look off her brown-nosing face. I don't always get to be right but here, in this fantasy, I'm in charge. I snog her good and hard and my tongue tastes her lips, makes waves on the roof of her mouth…

Keeping my eyes shut and my focus upon the thought of Granger, I kissed Blaise with a bit more courage and straddled his lap. As though I were a puppet working under his evil master's wiles, I opened my mouth and stuck my tongue into Blaise's mouth. He moaned and grazed my lips with his teeth. I could hear the Creevey boy's camera snapping from every angle as he tried to get our best sides. The gaggle of boys made noises of approval: catcalls and shouts. I could tell that I was a pro at this, just like every other thing I did. Blaise continued tonguing me and then smacked my bottom with a force harder than I knew he was capable of. The room erupted into hoots and hollers but not amused, I grabbed Blaise by his delicate wrists and pinned him to his chair.

"That was not on the agenda," I snarled.

"You never let me have my fun," Blaise simpered. "And I was only getting started. You're right, though. I just couldn't resist. But oh my, this is an intriguing position, isn't it?" he said, his long nose just inches from my own. "Pansy mentioned you enjoyed playing it a little rough with her, though she said it was tiring how you seemed to care more about keeping your designer robes clean-"

"IS ANYTHING SACRED?" I shouted, still holding Blaise fast to his throne.

"In Slytherin? Never," Blaise said mock-coyly.

I slammed him back so hard that I heard his head whack on the chair. Served him right! At once, Creevey and the rest ran to me and tried to grab me but Blaise shook his head.

"Hands off him, boys. He kept his end of the deal," he said, cracking his neck. "You're all dismissed. Go on and rub suntan lotion on each other or something."

His followers scampered off again to pose elegantly by the baths.

I glared, hopping off Blaise's lap. "I went through with it, alright! Now give me the clue!"

"Say please," Blaise said saucily.

"No," I said. "Never. Give it to me now."

"This is why I like you, Draco. You're very... erotic in how much of a spoilt dick you are," he clucked. "But if you're not having fun, I will not keep you. Unlike Pansy, I'm not much of a sadist these days, I'm afraid." He got up and walked to the side of one of the pools, where a heap of his clothes was folded. He carefully peeled out a pair of black silk pants that looked scarily like they were made for witches. I tried to put that out of my head. "Are you ready, Draco?"

I nodded. "At this point, nothing worries me."

Blaise raised a dark eyebrow and then unfolded his pants, holding them out rigidly against the dim candlelight. I could make out his loopy cursive, and I came closer to read aloud (and thank Salazar, they were better maintained than Long-arse's pair!):

"As you know, dear Draco, Weasley is our king

But what you'll need to do is make his girlfriend's boobies swing!

On her bra is the clue that holds your fourth task-

Be corrupt, be sly, be sneaky. . .

because you cannot simply ask!"

I cleared my throat. "I'm beginning to realize these aren't so much clever riddles as indirect phrasing of embarrassing ways for me to gather up peoples' pants and undergarments," I said and stroked my chin.

"Yes, well, better you then me. It's always good to see you troubled. You're a perfect picture of angst," Blaise said silkily, and placed his black pants very tidily over my left shoulder, like a little black flag. "Farewell, my ivory serpent. Be brave." He kissed his finger and pressed it to my forehead.

I made a face. "Gag," I said.

To Be Continued!

Can Draco charm Lav Lav enough to get her bra?

What does Pansy have in store for him next?

Will he ever find the brainy babe Hermione Granger?

ALL THIS AND MORE NEXT TIME.