Disclaimer: I'm crazy, not delusional. JKR owns them all.

Warning: if you find homosexuality offensive, please don't read this one. It would save you the trouble of getting all red and angry.

AND this is AU. I know some of you don't believe in AU's, I respect that, but note that there is a good reason for it's AUness- Sirius not being sent to Azkaban is a positive thing, isn't that?

A/N (and it's new!): I don't like chapter 3. I don't like it at all. BUT chapter 3 won't go away. I tried reasoning with it, I tried begging, I threatened using violence, but chapter 3 remained, well, chapter 3 and should be referred to, from now on, asTHE EVIL CHAPTER! So just try to bear with me throughTHE EVIL CHAPTER and I promise to convince chapter 4 to be nicer.

This one is dedicated to Kathryn, who is not only a wonderful beta, but a brilliant teacher (and she manages to survive my outrageous mistakes). AND to Lucie, who gave me a once in a life time opportunity (probably) to see a story of mine translated to French. Thank you, sweet people.

Dear reviewers- I love you all. Thank you for being lovely (:

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About Women's behinds (and some more serious issues)

Remus and Sirius were arguing.

Harry, sitting on the top of the stairs in the dimmed light of the second floor (way past his bed time) was concerned. He only remembered them arguing once before, when he was much younger and not tall enough to stand on a chair and tell them to stop like he wanted to.

Back then, the argument had been about Padfoot's outrageous behavior.

"You just can't try the Spelling Times new spells on random Muggles!" Moony had said.

"It's just some harmless experimentation, Moony, nothing to worry about." Padfoot never took Moony's behavior lessons too seriously.

"I would hardly call making an innocent woman's behind double its size harmless; you know how women feel about their behinds, Sirius."

"I don't, really. The bigger the better?"

"You are utterly and undoubtedly hopeless, Padfoot."

"And you wouldn't have me any other way, Moony, love."

Back then, Padfoot had started laughing half way through the argument, and Moony couldn't help joining him. Moony always joined in Padfoot's laughter. And Harry laughed too, though he didn't understand the joke. He was just happy when they each grabbed a little Harry's arm and lifted him in the air, still laughing.

They weren't laughing this time. And though Harry was tall enough to stand on a chair and yell at them, he didn't. He sat silently and listened.

This time they were arguing about him, and that made him feel a little guilty, like the time he played with Moony's umbrella and forgot to put it back in his bag, and Moony got home wet and sneezing.

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"His hair is hiding the scar, Moony, we'd only have to officially change his last name and ask the teachers not to use 'Potter'. It's not that complicated." Sirius was trying to explain the simple logic of it all to Remus, who, apparently, looked at the matter at hand in a wholly different way.

"They would forget. It'd slip out, Pads. I bet the older teachers will call him James very often. He looks so much like him." Remus was just as calm, and his voice soft still.

"We'll find a way. A charm. We have to. They'll never leave him alone otherwise." Sirius was unusually serious (absolutely no pun intended, you mean people!) Remus knew that, childish and careless as Sirius still was, he was mature and rather protective when it was about Harry (and about Remus himself, he admitted to himself warmly).

"But Harry knows his last name is Potter, and he knows what happened to his parents, and he shouldn't have to hide it away." Remus often let Sirius have things his own way. He was like that with his Padfoot. But this time was different. It was critical that he make Sirius understand. "Secrets aren't good for children, Padfoot. They're not good for anyone, really" he said.

"Yet some things are better left hidden. There are still Slytherins at this school, Remus." Sirius was just as determined to make Remus understand.

"He's a smart child. He can handle them. We mustn't teach him to fear his own history." Remus used the teaching tone he adopted while teaching in the Muggle University.

Sirius was never the obedient pupil, though. "So it's better to allow his past to control his entire life? He'd be surrounded by enemies who'd try to hurt him, or fools who'd be attracted to his mystery. No real friends. No normal school life. We wanted him to have a normal life, remember?" Sirius' tones were getting angrier. He wasn't so good with the whole anger management thing.

"We also wanted him to remember his parents, and what they did for him." Remus, on the other hand, controlled his tones very well. They were painfully icy now. "And keeping secrets isn't the best way to lead a normal life."

"Yeah, you should know!" Sirius was practically yelling. "If we hadn't found about you being a werewolf ourselves you would still be going to your grandma's tea parties every full moon, wouldn't you! Marvelous excuse, by the way."

Remus got very still, his palms tight fists. "This is why I don't want Harry to have to make up excuses, Sirius. I'm pretty sure he inherited my sense of invention."

It was like Remus to be sarcastic while very angry. It was also like him to leave the area until he calmed down. So he went upstairs.

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Harry heard the silence first, and then the gentle footsteps on the stairs. He ran quickly and quietly to his bed and covered himself with his blanket. He waited, trying to breathe evenly.

Then he heard soft steps on his room's rug, and smelled the most comforting smell in the world, and felt a long-fingered hand on his hair. And he knew it would be all right, and he could fall asleep.

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Remus sat down on the couch beside Sirius, sighing.

"I know you just want him to be happy, Padfoot. I know. I want that too."

Sirius looked at him quietly, then lovingly. He put an arm around Remus' shoulders and drew him close. "Yes, you do," he said.

"Maybe," Remus started, hesitantly, "we should just wait and see what Harry chooses to do, and not order him one way or the other."

"Maybe," Sirius said. "I guess so," he added after some more thought.

They sat there, cuddled and warm and deep in thought.

Remus knew that Harry wasn't him, and that even if Harry lived his life not having to hide a single secret, it wouldn't change the fact that Remus had been hiding secrets his whole life.

Sirius knew that Harry was merely his godson, and that it shouldn't be through Harry that he changed the agony that his last name has caused him throughout the years.

They knew they would have to let go. To some extent, anyway.

"I liked it better when we argued about women's behinds, Moony," Padfoot commented into the silence.

Moony agreed with a smile. And then he thoughtfully asked "What last name would you give Harry instead of Potter anyway?"

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Harry saw a boy with very red hair sitting in the otherwise empty compartment.

He entered and seated himself; remembering Padfoot's advice about making friends ("Just let them have you, right in their faces!")

"Can I sit here?" he asked politely, remembering Moony's words of advice as well ("Be polite, pup. Always try to be polite.")

The other boy nodded.

Harry took a deep breath.

"It's nice to meet you. My name is Harry Potter Lupin Black," he said.

The other boy looked at him curiously for a moment and then answered, very respectfully; "I'm Ron Weasley, and you have too many names."