Disclaimer:

I own...a Roxas pin. And a Sora pin, too. But besides for that? Yeah, not much else.

Special Dedication:

Um... Dubious.Mischief.Maker, Static Lull...sweet pandimonium, 'cause they're all cool cats and they know where it's at. (I should never try to rhyme. Ever.)

Author's Note:

This is so, so overdue. I apologize to the people who've been waiting for this, only to find out that the lethargic author refuses to update. But! It takes so long to type them out, that's the thing...But yanno, whatever.

Ready, ready, set...GO.

And I still don't have the right looks

And I still have the same three friends

All that changes are the fashion, names, and the trends

High school never ends

-Bowling for Soup, "High School Never Ends"

Artificial Sweetener

or

Not Tonight, Josephine

Chapter 03: Mind Your Manners

"I'm pregnant!"

It's weighing down the room. Jesus, Olette, thanks for dropping a fucking bombshell on us. Roxas looks like he's about to choke, and Pence is now (discreetly) sweating, and Olette's just smiling at us, like it happens every day.

"Guess what? I'm pregnant!"

Sweet mother of pearl. I probably look like I'm dry-humping Olette into the floor.

Pregnant, baby-infested Olette.

This is probably why Pence turns to me and goes, "You!" in this accusatory voice, like I impregnated her within the five minutes they'd been standing in the doorway. Cripes. They always blame the homos, don't they? "Oh, my flower pot's gone missing—must've been the fairy next door." "Someone stole my hot dog—must've been that gay kid." "My house is on fire and the stock market fell, so I'm forcing my daughters into prostitution—let's blame the faggots."

While I'm thinking this, Roxas says, "Pence, man, chill out. I don't think Hayner did it."

Oh my god, Roxas, I LOVE you. If it wasn't highly inappropriate, I would do you on my Finding Nemo blankets, right now. I kind of felt my eyes tear up, and my breathing get shallow at the thought. Although the latter might've been because Olette had just kneed me in my crotch as revenge for tackling her.

"I mean, this is a joke…right?" Roxas continues, staring at Olette. She climbs out from underneath me and sits on top of my stuffed animals (before you start going, "Ew, too much gayness, let me go be sick." I'll have you know that I have manly stuffed animals. Like, kangaroos and all that testosterone-type stuff. ), peering at us nervously from underneath her long eyelashes.

"No. I wish I was, but I'm not." she whispers, shuffling her feet. We all let this sink in a bit before Pence ventures, "Do you know who the father is?"

"Mmmnesiferpruhmmfum." Olette mumbles into my pillow. She's got it pressed over her mouth so all we can hear this garble of gibberish. I'm this close to imploding from anxiety, and Pence is biting his lips hard enough to split it in half. Roxas, being Mr. Suave, goes, "Come again?"

Olette looks at us and gulps out, "Seifer. Seifer Almasy."

I wasn't there for the whole thing, but I'm pretty sure I know how it went. Pence probably had a seizure from the whole mind-boggling deal of it all, and it's highly likely that Roxas broke something, the angry little shit. Yanno, the usual stuff that happens when you find out that your best friend has been knocked up by your nemesis.

Olette was like a holy artifact for us. Well, as holy as you could get with us three—Pence believed in the possibility of a higher being but wasn't too interested in the Hardcore Catholicism that his crazy parents followed, Roxas kept spouting off stuff about being agnostic whenever the subject arose, and I mostly spent my Sundays in my room with my video games, which are pretty sacred, if you ask me. It was up to us to screw things up, and for Olette to smooth things over and save us from any untimely deaths.

Now the shoe's on the other foot, and I'm pissed.

I storm out of the house, determined to find Seifer and beat the beejezus out of him. All I could think was He fucked with Olette. He fucked with Olette? I'LL FUCK WITH HIM.

(Only without the lame innuendo, thank you. You think I wouldn't recognize that? I'm not stupid, guys. Jesus.)

I meant business; I had a freaking baseball bat, okay? Fine, it was plastic, but I grabbed the first thing near me when I left. And we don't have any wooden and/or metal bats from the younger years I spent playing the pussy-sport that is baseball. (Okay, so I had to get a plastic one for "bad behavior", alright? It was so not my fault that my bat flew out and hit Pence's ugly-ass dog in the face. And, yeah, I used to whack my coach in the shins with my bat a lot. I was YOUNG, okay?) Among other reasons, Dad is cheap as hell and will only by the crappy, used stuff that's on sale.

So, I show up at Seifer's house, ready to bust some brains out, and his mom opens the door. Well, I'm assuming that she's his mom 'cause she's got this kind of "Don't screw with me" aura (kind of like my mom), even if she doesn't really look like one. Her hair is this impossibly shade of blonde and has all this small braids in it, and, unlike any mom I've ever seen, she's wearing a skirt that's borderline Hoe-bag.

She smiles at me. "Hello! Who might you be, honey?"

One smile and just like that, all of my resolve goes out like a light.

"Hayner Calden. I'm, uh, Seifer's…"

Somehow, 'potential murderer' doesn't sound right.

"…classmate." I finish, and wince. Ouch. The lameness burns.

Mrs. Seifer's Hot Mom (I'm not saying I want her, I'm GAY for god's sake. I'm just saying that I appreciate her smile and the way that she doesn't inspire tears upon seeing her, unlike my mom) smiles at me again and seizes me by the elbow, dragging me into her Seifer-infested house. "It's so nice to see one of Fifi's little friends! I mean, Rai and Fuu come around all the time, but—ohhhh my goodness! Fifi has a new buddy, and he's so cute, too!"

Oh my GAWD. I'm trying not to choke on the combination of Mrs. Seifer's Hot Mom's sweetness and the fact that she calls him "Fifi". Unbelievable.

When she turns around to whip something out (of the OVEN, you nasty-minded children! God!), I practice telling her what I'm really here for. It's kinda hard though—she seems like a nice enough mother, and I feel just a tad uncomfortable informing her that her only child (I don't see any younger versions of Seifer scampering around, thank God) is a shameless wanker. But it's Olette we're talking about.

One of my best friends, who was wronged by the fact that Seifer couldn't keep it in his pants.

I scowl at the thought. Mrs. Almasy may be hot, and her cookies may be delicious, but she spawned the ultimate jack-off that is Seifer, so THERE WILL BE BLOOD. Much like that movie, but also not 'cause that shit is copyrighted. I'd say THERE WILL BE CARNAGE FEATURING SEIFER WHILE HIS SEXY MOTHER WATCHES ON IN HORROR, but that's long as hell and not as cool-sounding,

And I'm working my way to telling her about her son, when the Spawner-of-Seifer-Even-Though-She's-Cute-And-Bakes-Well turns around, plops a fresh plate of cookies in front of me and screeches, "FIFI! COM-PA-NY!" And then she just beams at me when I cry internally (Bye, eardrums, it was nice knowing you) as I choke on her cookies from surprise and again when she has to whack me on the back and my face ends up making nice with the kitchen table.

It's at that moment that "Fifi" chooses that moment to appear. He takes his dear sweet time on the stairs, scratching at abs. Seifer's pretty built, actually, which kind of surprised me. Probably 'cause he used to beat up me, Pence, and Roxas back in the day. My head was thinking that, but I guess my hormones kicked in and I started drooling or something equally humiliating, 'cause Seifer just gave me this look, like "Don't die in my kitchen, chicken-wuss. I don't have the money for a funeral."

"Fifi!" Seifer's mom absolutely spazzes, skipping over to cling on his arm. "You have a friend! He's brought a bat! Are you going to play baseball? I know how you boys love to smack around those balls."

"Yeah. Too many balls in the world, not enough bats to hit them with." I say nonchalantly, giving Seifer a Very Serious Look. He blinks back at me, his face a mixture of "Gay much?" and "WTF? No, seriously, WTF?"

"What the hell're you here for?" the prize wanker says, all pissed off and what not.

"You know why."

"I don't, actually. That's why I asked you."

"Don't play dumb. I know what you did last summer."

Oops, got a little too into it, there. I backtrack and say, "Come outside."

"Are you seriously telling me to go outside? I fucking live here."

"Yeah, and monkeys live in trees. So what?"

It's pretty obvious that we didn't know what the hell we were talking about anymore, so Seifer's mom stepped in with, "Okay, boys, take this outside. Go work out that testosterone by doing it in a bush or something, okay?"

Fifi splutters, "Jesus, Rikku!" and I choke on my words as she shoves us out the door.

"But-"

"I don't give a shit!" screeches Rikku, looking a lot less cute and a lot more insane. "You negative energy is fucking up the feng shui I made in the house! You don't get back in until you've successfully departed from your inner turmoil, and that is final young man!"

Cue dramatic door-slamming, followed by Rikku's forceful meditating-banshee-shriek of "OMMMM."

Seifer turns to me and looks all frowny-face. "Look, chicken-wuss, I don't know why the hell you're here, but if you aren't gone in thirty seconds—"

"Did you do Olette in thirty seconds?" Ohmigod (Speak thee of Olette Larsen and thou will find thyself speaking like her) I can't believe I just said that. Contrary to popular belief, I am aware when the odds are against me; I mean, I can tell that my death is going to come a lot sooner than the stupid psychic on the fortune-telling hotline predicted, (it's important to get your fortune read. You never know when life could be…unfortunate. At least, that's what I tried to tell my mom when she asked about all the calls. Needless to say, she didn't buy it.) and Seifer's going to kill me with his stupid skull cap and he's gonna friggin' EAT ME-

"It's not like that."

…Eh?

I look up at Seifer and my brain nearly dies 'cause holy crap, he actually looks ashamed!

"Then what's it like, jacktard? What the hell is it like?" I shout, kicking at him Some (rational) part of my brain is admonishing me. 'Hey, hey, Hayner! Calm down! Don't freak out on Seifer.' Of all things, my conscious sounds like Olette.

Who's preggo.

'Cause she did the nasty with Seifer.

Oh, hell.

Blatantly ignoring my brain hemorrhage (self-centered bastard) and saying totally dumb shit like, "Ow, what the hell, what'd you kick me for?", Seifer rubs his shin and counters, "She wasn't supposed to! It started out with kiss, okay?"

My eyes bulge. "A kiss--a k--a KISS?!" I screech. My voice cracks on the last part, and I blush. Damn, that's embarrassing. "You—you, you kissed Olette? What the fuck, man, seriously, what the fuck?"

"Are you saying she's not kissable?" edges Seifer. I scowl. Like I would know. Like I'd kiss Olette. It'd be, like, kissing your step-sister or something.

"That's not the point! Keep your greasy paws off my girl!"

Okay, I know you're looking confused, like "But Hayner, I thought you liked men!" I do. I prefer Twinkies to cupcakes, if you know what I mean. But Olette is, in very loose terms, my girl. As in, property of Roxas, Pence, and myself. She is ours, therefore no one is allowed to screw her over. Because she's ours, and yeah, we do love her. If I wasn't into guys, I'd ask her out in a second. She's cute and sweet like candy and deserves a nice guy. Not someone like Seifer, who we all know is a certified douchebag.

Back to the story now.

I kind of jabbed Seifer in the gut with my cheap bat. I don't know if he even felt it; it's not like he flinched or anything. He should have at least pretended, but obviously, Seifer just has no manners.

"It's not my problem." says Mr. I-Got-Hit-By-A-Bat-But-I-Didn't-Even-Feel-it-'Cause-I-Have-Abs-Of-Steel. "She should've used the pill. Tell her to get it aborted, or she can have it. I don't care."

"God, you're a dick. I'm telling your mom." I sneer.

"That's low."

"Yeah, but you go lower, don't you?"

"Don't screw with me, Hayner. You're not telling Rikku."

"Try me!"

And Seifer goes "Try this" and sort of lunges at me. I push at his arms but it's really hard because he's taller and bigger than I am. His mouth just crashes onto mine, and our teeth smack against each other. But before I can start complaining, Seifer's stupid, gross (My hormones say "nice", but they don't know shit) tongue is scraping across my lips. To my own credit, I open my mouth to scream something like "RAPE!", and Seifer, greedy ass-hat that he is, puts his tongue in my mouth. His hands start teasing around the hem of my shirt, pushing it up higher—Okay, I'll admit it, by now I'm starting to think Hey, this isn't so bad, when I got this totally random scene in my head.

It had a teary-eyed Olette in it with some pug-ugly baby in her arms (hey, it does have half of Seifer's genes) sobbing, "Why, Hayner, why? Now Seifer won't pay child support for Seifer-ette! And now I'm living on the street!" And Pence was just shaking his head in sorrow, while Roxas burst in, shrieking "Hayner! I suddenly realized that I'm in love with you and that we should get together and, like, copulate! But –gasp- you made out with Olette's baby's daddy, leaving her to become a part-time hooker like Larxene! Speaking of which, I'm going back to her. At least she don't kiss people who impregnate her best friends! Okay, she probably does and just doesn't let anyone find out about it—but that's not the point! WHORE! YOU ARE SUCH A WHORE, HAYNER!"

If you had that piece of work going on in your head, you'd have a spazz attack as well. Admit it.

So, I just slap him and spit, "Jerk!" I meant to sound uber-masculine about it, but I ended up sounding like that obnoxious chick from Clueless.

And then, 'cause it wouldn't be totally cliché without it, I run away. I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I did then. Seifer knocked up one of my best friends, and I kissed him. "Good job, moron." I grumble, rubbing my lips. "You little slut. God…'

But I liked it. The feel of Seifer's lips on mine, his breath on my neck, the way he tasted…

It was so wrong, it actually seemed right.

A/N: And now, it's announcement time, 'cause God knows how many of you actually look at the profile for what's going on. Yay.

1)SHOPPE OPENING

-The drabble/standalone request shoppe of wonder is open and ready for business. I will present them in the order I'm given, and I will write anything. Except for, yanno, lemons. And that extremely weird stuff with the cats. Just...no.

2) IMPORTANT THING (god, what a lame title)

-To keep my sanity intact (or not), I'm creating a fan-based KH story. It's pretty self-explanatory, but here it is in a nutshell:

You send in things that you most want in a KH story, and I will whip it up to shape in story-format. Anything goes, kids. Except for the aforementioned cat-and-lemons thing. Submission time ENDS November 2nd, 2008. Submission time STARTS...now, I guess. Have fun, and tell me what you want via PM.