A VERY "NESS" CHRISTMAS. III.
An hour passed, maybe two, and Nick was still unconscious. What am I gonna do? Was constantly asking to herself. She was absentmindly thinking of all the ways that he could have taken the news, and she had never expected that one. Nick would be a great father and she was convinced of it. She only needed to make him realize how good could he be.
There was a groan, and Jess got out of her mind to attend Nick.
"What has...?" he widened his eyes and then found out by himself why he was lying on the sofa. Trying to sit correctly without fainting again, he stared deeply at Jessica.
"My fault" apologized Jess. Somehow she felt betrayed. And that was so non-understanding...What? Did she expect to have the baby? The one that wasn't confirmed yet? What a fool said to herself.
"How did you...I mean...can you..." there was uncertainty if all that happened hours ago was just a nightmare. Again, Jess had never felt worse.
"I don't know yet" he sighed in relief. That was it.
"You don't wanna have a baby, Miller?" she tried to ask softly, but what came out, was an amount of screams. She felt that she had gone too far, but her feelings were the ones who were carrying the situation right then.
"Jess, I..." he rubbed his face with his hands hardly, and then he breathed slowly, until he thought that it was stupid to keep pretending. So he stood up.
"Not like this" he said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jess asked. He didn't know what did it mean. All he knew was that that whole thing couldn't be happening. They had been dating for just 3
months! It was surreal.
"Why are you acting like this? We don't know It yet!" she shouted in reply. Winston and Schmidt had never interrupted one of their fights, and although it wasn't just a common fight, neither of them were at home. Probably the neighbours already knew that she could be pregnant. It was a matter of time that the rumour spread around the whole building.
"Because I don't want to have a baby with you!" punch. That's what it felt like for Jessica, and Nick instantly regretted it when he heard the echo that his words had produced when they escaped from his mouth seconds before. Jessica's blue eyes went crystalline and widened. Nick didn't understand what was going on inside of him, but his heart stopped for a moment, and when they both saw the first tear coming out of her eyes, a part of his heart began to bleed. He finally understood what that meant: he was in love with her. He loved her.
"Jessica I..." but a door slammed somewhere in the house, and with it, his heart let the first part of it fall down. It never hurt so much. His knuckles began to tremble, harder and harder and harder...He would kill himself at that moment. He needed to. And without even foreseeing what he was going to do, he kicked the only lamp that was on that night and suddenly all the light of the appartment disappeared into the tiny light line that was drawn below Jessica's bedroom door.
"Jess open the door" he was better in darkness, so he couldn't see his awful reflection anywhere. If he didn't like himself even before they started dating, now he hated himself so much.
"Leave" her voice wrecked. Nick tried to pull out the hair from his head until he felt his fingers and his head were aching.
"Jess, I am so sorry. Jess please forgive me". The hours went by and when the tears
stopped, Nick took a chance and sat down, lying on the door, and continued with his apologizes, without knowing that inside, Jess had fallen into a deep sleep, helding a pillow that belonged to Nick.
When she woke up, there was light outside, and she knew the sun was up. So much light for such a shit, black day. Los Angeles had never been so mean...
Turning around, she jumped. Someone was lying on the bed besides her. And she instantly guessed who was, thanks to the warm touch of his hand against her. Nick. Taking a deep breath, she got away from him as fast as possible. She knew that if she stared at him too much, she would forgive me. And she didn't want to. He had crossed the line.
But they lived in the same appartment, she wouldn't escape of him that day. Could she broke up with him? No. That was obvious when she knew that she was gonna faint 'cause of her broken heart. Her mobile ringed and she ran to turn it off. Thanks God, Nick didn't. And just looking at his closed eyes, she knew he had stayed all night behind that damn door, so close...but he had never been so far away.
The doctor! Borrowing some clothes from her drawer, she got out of her bedroom and prepared herself. It was the time that she had to decide what to do with her relationship.
"So that means, I am not...pregnant?" Jess asked. Her friend Sadie nodded and she was smiling at the same time, but Jess wasn't. That was a good thing...or a bad one? She knew it was just a one-week overdue for her period, but it had felt for a few days that
she carried a baby inside. Maybe she should be happy, anyway, Nick didn't want to...Sadie knew something was going on when she saw that Jess wasn't happy at all.
"Is something wrong, Jess?" she stood up and got on her side to see if she was OK.
"No, it's not. Nick said he didn't want to have a baby with me, and I..." she couldn't finish the sentence. She was trying so hard not to cry in front of her.
"Right now it's when I thank God for turning me gay" she murmured to herself. "Look, sweetheart, it's not a surprise that men aren't ready for compromise. Once they offer you the ring, they know that there's no turning back for a year, but they know they can divorce you whenever they feel like. But having a baby it's another thing. It means that they have the obligation to be tied to you for the rest of their lives, and even if they divorce you, they keep tied to that. So it shouldn't be a surprise that he has refused to have it."
"I know...but he looked so...stressed and..." Jess stopped talking. Taking her purse, she stood up and walked to the door with Sadie. "I should leave now".
"Are you sure you don't wanna come with me home today baby?" asked Sadie, worried about her.
"No, thanks Sadie." and she stepped out of the room.
"I can make omelettes...Okay, now I understand why they call us 'dyke' or 'tortilleras' in Spain."
Jess opened the door expecting just Nick's figure in front of her. But no. All that occupied the whole living room were balloons and what it looked like a cot.
"What is this Nick?" he walked towards her and stopped in front of her face. He took her hands and looked at her. She was about to try to get rid of his touch, when he kissed her
gently.
"I want him" he finally said.
"You want him?" she asked, quite surprised. She didn't know what he was talking about.
"The baby" he replied like it was obvious.
"Seriously? I mean, like...why do you think it will be a man?" she felt like the pressure in her chest was growing up, but it wasn't disappoinment or incomodity...it was love.
"It'd be fair" she raised her eyebrows and he knew that if he talked much, he would screw it up again. Shaking his head, he pressed harder his fingers between hers and he directed his eyes into her belly.
"I want it." then she couldn't think anything else but to threw herself at him and love him for eternity. There was honesty, there was everything that Nick had always been scared of: his feelings. But there was something even deeper that Jess had never saw in his eyes. Maybe it was her period, newly back home, well, newly back down there, but she couldn't help but to cry.
"What's wrong baby?" he caught a tear and when he felt the cold touch of it, he tried to make all the ones that were threatening to fall down disappear.
"Nothing. I'm not pregnant." he looked astonished, and he didn't speak for minutes. When it looked like he was going to faint again, she continued talking. "I'm so sorry. I should have..."
"No. It's OK. Look Jess, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that, and I hate myself even more than I hated myself before. It was just...a big surprise, and something that I've been always so scared. Being a father it's not what I had in mind due to all the bad things that my dad has been doing since I was a little kid...And I know I'm not my father, but I'm afraid I'm much alike him than I am from my mother." she caressed his cheek with her tiny fingers.
"You're not. Look at this" she pointed at the full-balloon living room that was standing in front of them. It looked like a pre-natal party.
"You'd be the greatest father ever. It's not the time, and I know it. I am sorry that this has gone this way."
"Jess, I want to have a baby with you. I seriously do. It's just...I want it to be premeditated and to talk about it. I want to agree with you about all the things that we will be responsible for when the baby is born." there was nothing left to say, Jess jumped on him and attacked him with her mouth. Maybe it was want, and desperation what impulsed them to kiss each other like that (wet and hard), but all there was floating between them, was love. And no one had to say "I love you" to make the other know.
"Can I borrow this dummy?" Schmidt interrupted them. They separated a little from each other and stared at him. He had a flesh tone dummy in his hand and he was inspecting it.
"What? I miss CeCe every night."
"Ugh! GROSS Schmidt! Jar!" but he escaped from them.
"It doesn't matter anyway" Nick took Jess in his arms and carried her to his bedroom. That night would be special, just he in she, and there couldn't be anything that separated them.