Disclaimer: Anything that you may recognise belongs to J.K. Rowling.
A/N: This chapter has a lot of Lily's thinking, and a few flashbacks. Enjoy!
Chapter 3 - Good, Bad, Worse?
Lily sat on her bed in the Gryffindor Girls dorm, listening to her friends chatting on about the past few days. She had a book opened by her feet, and was looking down, but she wasn't reading the book. She was thinking, long and hard, about everything that was happening. Lily was thinking about her father, about the past few years, about James, and finally, about the fight that they had. She hadn't meant for it to escalate so much; she'd only wanted to help. However, Lily had realised that she hadn't gone the right way about it. She also couldn't help let what James had said get to her. Was she really a selfish person? Was she as horrible as he had said she was? His words echoed in Lily's head...
' You are being a selfish, selfish girl. I hope you can see it, because one day you will lose everyone to this. You will lose everyone to this arrogance and selfishness that you have. So lose it before you lose everything else.' He had said.
Lily blinked and took a deep breath.
'Selfish girl.'
Lily then thought over her relationship with James Potter, putting his earlier words out of her head. Their relationship with each other as individuals had been pretty rough up until the start of year six, when Marlene seemed so set on spending more time with the Marauders. Since both Marlene and James came from pureblood families, they saw each other often and were quite good friends. Marlene liked the marauders, and so suggested that Lily, Dorcas and herself sit with them more often. This was quite difficult on Lily and James, who quite frankly couldn't stand each other. James always greeting Lily with a, "Will you go out with me?", or something similar to that, and Lily wouldn't take another word of it. After a while, their friends got incredibly fed up with all of the bickering and suggested that Lily and James ought to give acquaintanceship a go.
And so, Lily and James agreed on being polite and civil to one another for the good of their friends, and most would say the whole school. Lily looked back on that conversation that they had, rolling her eyes mentally as she remembered.
Lily was sitting in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room when James approached her with quite an anxious look on his face.
Lily raised an eyebrow at the boy, and said, "What do you want, Potter?" rudely.
"We need to talk about something." James said whilst grabbing Lily's pale wrist and tugging her out of the common room, and out of the way of any possible eavesdroppers.
"What is it?" Lily hissed.
"We have to stop fighting!" James hissed back.
Lily's mouth opened, then closed a moment later. She was wondering what on Earth would make James say such a thing.
"Wait ... backtrack ... did you just say what I think you said?" Lily said in disbelief.
"Yes, Evans. It's getting out of hand." James said with a sigh.
"You are not being mature, right now." Lily pinched her arm. "I must be dreaming..."
James snorted.
"You ... just ... Oh, Merlin!" Lily exclaimed.
"Anyway, Evans, Marlene just stormed up to the dorm and yelled very loudly at us Marauders, telling us that something had to be done because you weren't listening to her." James explained.
"Oh, so this wasn't your initiative." Lily said with a sigh of relief.
"What are you implying?" James inquired.
"Nothing!" Lily squeaked.
"Whatever. Back to the point. Do you agree to be civil to me, if I, in turn, agree to be civil to you?" James proposed.
Lily nodded curtly.
"Yes, I will be civil to you." She replied.
"And I will be civil to you." James held out his hand to the fiery-haired girl standing before him, to which she shook strongly with a small smile on her face.
Lily and James had indeed agreed to be acquaintances, as being friends would really be taking it too far. From observing James, Lily had begun to notice a change in him. He'd become less joking, and much more mature. He'd made the leap from acting like a child to almost acting as an adult would rather quickly. It was almost as if something happened rather suddenly that made James mature. This was one thing that bothered Lily occasionally - for she did like to know everything. She was a very curious witch, always wanting answers for her questions.
As sixth year progressed, Lily and James became slightly closer, becoming almost friends. Many were amazed by this, and quite a few believed that it wouldn't last long. James actually assisted Lily with some of her Transfiguration homework, something that she always found difficult, and in turn, she helped him with any homework he needed help with. This didn't happen often, as James was very good with his homework. It surprised Lily that he managed to get all of his homework done to a good standard. They were often found in the common room sitting on separate sides of an armchair, casually chatting. It was really a miracle, many thought. Perhaps the Gryffindor Common Room was peaceful once and for all.
All of this changed, however, when Lily and James had a massive blow-up at each other just before the Christmas Holidays. It was a painful memory for Lily to relieve.
Lily looked up at her boyfriend of the time, Aidan. She touched his golden brown hair with her hand, playing with it.
Aidan bent down to Lily, planting a kiss on her lips. Lily pulled him closer, kissing him back. She continued to lightly play with his hair. Lily pulled away, smiling dreamily at Aidan.
"Oh, Aidan..." She sighed.
"Lily, I love you." Aidan said sweetly, giving Lily a small peck on the forehead.
"You what!" James Potter yelled as he approached the couple.
"James-" Lily said warningly.
James pushed Aidan aside and looked down on Lily.
"YOU. You led me on, made me think you liked me! And then you two go and profess your bloody love for each other in plain sight, in the middle of the common room! Honestly, Evans, do you understand what you're doing to me!?" James yelled.
"James! You knew I had a boyfriend!" Lily cried.
"An unfaithful boyfriend!" James roared.
"I am n-" Aidan began.
"Excuse me, James? You just want to break us up!" Lily shouted angrily.
"I do not! I saw him earlier today with Hestia! That's what I was coming in here to tell you about ... and then I see you snogging him as I walk in? He's a bloody wanker, break up with him!" James explain angrily.
"No, Potter. You're lying. STAY OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIPS!" Lily hollered, pushing James in the chest and storming out of the common room in absolute rage.
James, however, turned out to be right. Lily herself caught the pair snogging a few weeks after. James and Lily had already had another fight before that however, about Lily not trusting James. They'd avoided each other until after Christmas when, well, they'd managed to have yet another argument. Lily had come to the conclusion that they really shouldn't interact with each other at all. She also believed that they shouldn't be friends ever, ever again. Ever.
Lily groaned as she woke up, her body very sore. Someone was shaking her gently on the shoulder.
"Lily?" A voice asked.
Lily groaned again.
"Yeah..?" She answered in a sleep filled voice, looking up at the person who had shaken her awake.
"Remus?" She inquired, sitting up.
"I thought I ought to wake you up - you looked so uncomfortable that it pained me." Remus said in a polite voice.
Lily let out a small laugh, "Thanks, Remus."
"I also need to talk to you." Remus said seriously.
"Oh..." Lily said, running a hand through her hair subconsciously.
"Can you, perhaps, leave Pr- James alone?" Remus asked, his tone of voice non-accusatory.
"I- oh, Remus." Lily said exasperatedly.
"Yes, Lily?" Remus replied.
"I don't know why I even spoke to him" She said with a shake of her head.
Remus gazed into Lily's emerald green eyes.
"I-" He said, "Lily, please can you promise me that you'll ... y'know, stay away from him?"
"Remus, I promise I won't interact with Potter. I don't even want to, anyway." She smiled. "I ought to be off again - Dorcas and Marlene will be in fits of laughter if they find out that I had another library night!" She said as she hurried out of the library.
Lily walked silently through the deserted corridors, taking the long way back to the common room from the library. She was in thinking mode, and so thought that it was a good idea to be by herself for a while, since that the library wasn't always deserted. A choked sob interrupted her thinking, and Lily looked around to see where it came from. Not seeing anyone, she continued on her way. Once she turned the corner, she saw a boy sitting on the ground, his arms around his knees and his head facing downwards into his lap.
"P-Potter?" Lily stuttered, sinking to the floor beside the boy. She cursed herself, remembering her promise to Remus, and herself.
James lifted his head a little, looking at Lily. His eyes were so, so sad, and so red. His cheeks were stained with tear streaks, and Lily could see teardrops dripping from his eyes and off his chin ever so slowly and painfully.
James rested his head down again, trying the put a halt to the ongoing stream of water from his eyes.
Lily didn't know what to do; she'd never imagined that she'd see James in such a vulnerable state. Lily simply wrapped her arms around James, rubbing him slightly on the back, which was something she'd always found comforting.
"Lily..." James sobbed.
Lily looked at the boy with sad eyes, "Yes?" She replied.
"I'm so," James choked, "so sorry..."
"Oh, James..." Lily whispered.
James sobbed more, turning into Lily and crying into her robes. Lily ran her hand through his dark hair, wondering what could get James in such a state.
"My father..." James weeped.
Lily felt tears come to her own eyes, feeling so empathetic towards the boy. She tightened her grasp around him, laying her head on his.
"M-my ... f-father." James stammered, sitting up and wiping tears from his eyes.
"Tell me about it," Lily stood up, "As we go back to the common room, it's past curfew."
"No, I - I didn't, should've thought ... this -" James pulled a cloak from his pocket and flung it over the two of them.
"Invisibility cloak." James explained.
"Ok, just, oh, Potter, tell me.
"He, oh Lily, he's ... I can't. He - he's gone..." James said in a choked voice.
"It'll be alright." Lily said, knowing all very well of the unoriginality of the line.
"No, It - can we talk about something else?" James asked.
"No." Lily said firmly. "Don't hold it in."
"I can't!" James cried.
"Merlin, of course you can. Don't make the wrong decisions like I did. Don't bottle it up. At least talk to Sirius, or Remus, or Peter, or Marlene, or someone! Don't cause yourself to be in so much more pain." Lily said carefully.
"No, not those people." James shook his head, before looking at Lily curiously. "Wait, like you?"
Lily gave James a small smile. "Yeah, last year. My mother." Lily said with a shrug.
"Are you okay, now?" James asked.
"It takes a while, but you'll eventually get past the grieving stage. James, I'm still grieving my mother. It's only been about a year and a half. I've just accepted it, and I'm living my life for her." Lily said gently to James.
James nodded.
"What happened?" Lily asked.
"Dragonpox. My mother got it, too, but she's recovered. They healers say that there's a high chance of it coming back, though, and that if it does, it will probably kill her..." James said, gasping for breath.
He collapsed into Lily's lap, breathing heavily.
"I can't do this, Lily! I'm - I'm so, so sorry." He whimpered.
"Look - I'll get you to Bl- Sirius, okay?" Lily said, not knowing what else to do.
"No, I-" James sniffed, "I can't. Not him."
"Why not?"
"Just can't." James moved off Lily, standing up. "Lily, I shouldn't be. I'm strong!" He yelled.
"Yes, you are, James. But, all of the strong people are allowed to cry. They're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to be upset, James."
Lily brushed her fingers over James' face before moving to hold his hand. She stood up beside him.
"Should we go to the common room?" Lily asked.
James nodded, wiping his eyes.
They walked along for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.
"I want my dad, Lils." James said quietly, disrupting the silence.
"I know ... oh, Merlin, I know how it feels." Lily stuttered.
At that point, Lily and James reached the entrance to the Gryffindor common room, and Lily muttered the password. The portrait swung forward and the pair walked in, collapsing on an armchair.
"James, perhaps you should sleep." Lily whispered.
"The dreams..." James said in a pained voice.
"It'll get better." Lily stood up and headed towards the girls dorms. "Goodnight."
I'm sorry about the other night, Lily. I didn't mean anything I said; I was very ... infuriated." James said, hoping Lily could hear him.
Lily turned around and gave James a smile.
"I'm still angry at you for that ... but I'm sorry for all of the bad things I said, too." Lily said with a nervous chuckle, then turned away and went up the stairs, pondering the situation she had just found herself in.
Lily crumpled on her bed, fully robed.
She wasn't sure of what to think. She'd have to be friends with him now. She'd comforted him, he'd spilt a secret to her. They'd formed a bond. Why? What would Remus say? She'd broken his promise. She couldn't ignore James. She liked him - his personality. He was loyal. He would make a good friend. Not to her, though. No. She'd tried that. It failed. They fought. It didn't work! Then why, how did that just happen?
No, Lily couldn't ignore James after what had just happened. He'd feel bad, even worse.
Lily couldn't break her promise to Remus even further. She'd stay away from him. She wouldn't ignore him, per say. She'd just ... make it impossible for him to speak to her.
Lily Evans could not ever be friends with James Potter.
A/N: Oh, I feel terrible. I've taken so long to post this chapter! Sorry! I will be quicker with my posting. I'm trying to build up chapters so I'm at least a chapter ahead.
Anyway, tune in next chapter for someone's birthday!
~igniteabluestar