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What does it actually mean, to be human? Isn't it vain, to seek relevance in the explanation of our existence? Isn't it foolish, to ask questions when faced with inevitability? Is it not arrogant, to persist through failure and strive forward despite uncertainty?
Is it vice then, that makes us human?
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(-) Fused Duality (-)
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A Pokemon Fanfic
-v-
By Vile M.F. Slanders
-v-
Chapter III: Don't Think About It
…
She'd always believed that nothing could be worse than that old life.
The screaming, the shouting, the confusion, the neglect, the hurt and the beatings…
That old life had been absolute hell, and that hell was what she had been born to.
It was all she'd ever known. It was all she'd ever expected.
It was what she had once believed to be normal.
...But then someone had shown her differently, and Claire's whole world was suddenly flipped upside down.
You'd think that kindness would've helped her to overcome the past. You'd think that empathy would've shown her the path to a happy life…
...But instead, that kindness left Claire feeling incomplete and dirty; like she was missing something; missing something crucial to other people; something that everyone else had; something that allowed them to trust other people…
Kindness had made Claire feel broken, because in the end, she couldn't accept or reciprocate that dangerous trust…
So Claire hurt the person who had dared to be kind to her, and in doing so, Claire was made to feel even worse than how she'd felt before being exposed to that kindness.
But that same kind person whom Claire had hurt had never left her, and over time, Claire was able to trust that person…
...And after the many, many, many lonely years of having hated herself, that person's trust had helped Claire to finally feel comfortable in her own skin.
And yet, here, in this place: all of that development had been for naught.
Now Claire was broken all over again; trapped inside of a skin that didn't feel right on her.
And that same person who had shown Claire the kindness required to forge trust…
...Now that person was someone else; someone that Claire didn't recognize...
…
Isaac sat alone, facing the cavern wall; his blue eyes boring holes through the uniformly weathered stone.
The utter silence deafened Colin; Claire had cried herself to sleep quite some time ago; Isaac hadn't spoken a word or moved from his position since before even that.
And Colin didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do.
Claire sniffled in her sleep, prompting a startled reaction from Colin. But the lapras slept on, unwilling to wake; unwilling to face what she had become.
Unwilling to face what they had become.
Colin's worried green eyes shifted from Claire to Isaac.
The aggron was as still as a statue; its hollow eyes were as inanimate as its figure.
Disconnected from the world. Seemingly unable to comprehend this dilemma.
He hadn't wept, which had unnerved Colin.
...Isaac had never wept.
Those brief tears upon the re-acquaintance with his friends were all that Isaac had shed.
Seclusion was his modus of grieving; just as it always had been with Isaac.
A sudden sigh filled the cave with a jarring dissonance, as Isaac shifted upon his iron bulk.
A steely tail dragged across the limestone floor, as the hunched aggron forsook his solitude, returning at last to the company of his friends.
"...You got a plan yet, Colin?" The aggron asked, his intonation sounded both weary and old.
A plan…?
"What-?" Colin asked, his voice still tinged with fear.
"Something happened. Something happened, and we're here. This is us, for the time being. We need to-" A shudder wracked the aggron's hulking frame, and the whimper of a frightened breath punctuated his sudden inability to speak.
"...We need to get a plan going. A plan of action. So what do we know?" Isaac inhaled deeply, calming his shattered nerves with a heavy breath.
"...What do you mean, what do we know?! We don't know anything! We don't know where we are! We don't even know what we are-!" Colin began to panic. How could Isaac even think of planning right now?! Who was he trying to kid?!
Isaac was every bit as terrified as Colin and Claire was!
"Colin, keep it cool, man. Just keep it cool. We're not doing ourselves any favors by giving into panic-" Isaac choked on the hypocrisy.
Isaac wanted to panic; panic like it was a desperate need.
Isaac needed to panic, like he'd needed few other things in life…
...But he couldn't. Isaac couldn't allow himself to be that selfish.
"I know… I know what you're feeling right now. But we have to keep it together." Isaac found his calm, and tempered the anxiety with it. Colin could only mouth breathless nonsense at him; still struggling to adjust to the situation at hand.
"Claire-? I know that you can hear us. I know that you're not really asleep-" Isaac tried to rouse the lapras, but Claire squeezed her shut eyes even tighter, and tried to hide her grief stricken face from Isaac.
"Claire, we need you awake. Your friends need you awake. Please… please don't ignore us…"
Reluctantly, the lapras opened her black eyes, as though the effort alone pained her. Shortly after Claire's eyes had met Isaac's, then it was that they began to brim with tears.
"Hey girl. Sleep well?" Isaac had to fight back his own tears, but his voice still intoned a familiar humor.
Yet despite Isaac's gentle intentions, Claire could only wail when she saw what he'd become.
He was just as ugly as she was. He was just as wrong as she was…
"Come on, Claire… just let it out. Just let it all out-" Isaac swallowed hard, as he repressed the urge to hold her; to support her; to comfort her through this trial…
...But touching Claire would only make her cry all the harder. It always had in the past.
"It's okay. We're okay-" Isaac kept murmuring heartfelt nothings, but Colin had stomached enough.
"-We are not okay!" Colin cried out, glaring angrily up at Isaac.
"Colin! Chill, man-!" Isaac began.
"NO! I CAN'T CHILL, MAN! I CAN'T BE CHILL! THIS ISN'T REAL! THIS CAN'T BE REAL-!"
"COLIN!" Isaac had to yell over both Colin's shouts and Claire's renewed wails, but it wasn't Isaac's voice that silenced them both.
It was his tail, as that agitated iron whip shattered the cavern floor with a thunderous crack and a brittle crepitation.
Tossing the alien limb a nervous glance, Isaac swallowed hard, and turned to both of his startled friends.
"...It's me guys. I know I don't- I know don't look like Isaac-" Isaac choked, as he attempted to breach the frightened silence.
"...But I'm still me. And I know who you guys are…"
Colin swallowed hard, and held his shaking hands together. Claire began to hiccup, as an anxiety attack overwhelmed her.
"Breathe. Just breathe, Claire. You're not going to suffocate. It's just the panic. Just let it happen-" Isaac addressed her softly, attempting to reassure Claire through another one of her episodes-
"I don't know what to do!" A madness seized Colin, as he clutched at his forehead; those green eyes filling with tears.
"Colin. Keep your head on. Claire needs you to stay calm. Please, just stay calm for a little longer. You'll get your turn to panic, I promise." Isaac almost sounded like he was laughing, and for one irrational moment, Colin actually believed that Isaac was laughing…
But that wasn't laughter. That was the sound of losing battle, as Isaac did everything he could to fight off his own hurt and anxiety.
And that spectacle alone silenced Colin, as a warm lump formed in his throat.
"...Alright. I'm cool-" Colin choked up on seeing Isaac's struggle. The aggron swelled with a shuddering intake of breath, and steeled his nerves with Colin's reassurance.
"Claire? You good yet?" Isaac asked, when her hiccups had mostly faded away.
"...This doesn't make sense…" Claire gasped out between her feeble breaths.
"I know. I know it doesn't make any sense. But we have to deal with it, just like we dealt with everything else, okay?" Isaac almost sounded as though he were pleading; it was a wretched intonation that Isaac despised himself for voicing.
But his words and the sentiments behind them reached out to Claire, giving her a purchase; something recognizable to hold onto.
"We're alive, and that's a start. We're still together, and that's something more. No one here is going to be alone, okay? We're all together, like we always have been. It's not exactly what we had…" Isaac began to cough, as he struggled to repress the encroaching emotion.
"...But it's the best thing we've got, so let's work with that."
Claire steadied herself with a deep intake of breath, and fought off the wave of terror that threatened to drown this fledgling comfort.
It was too easy to give in to the helplessness; too easy to forfeit to the hurt.
Hard choices had brought Claire this far…
...This was just another very hard choice to make.
"Alright. Alright… I'm here. I'm with you guys…" Claire whimpered, forcing her voice out past the snare in her throat.
"Colin? You need a moment, bro?" Isaac asked the gaping wigglytuff, who started upon hearing his name.
"It's me, Colin. It's Isaac. I'm in here, dude. It's me." The aggron spread his heavy forearms apart in a brotherly display, and Colin began to tear up again.
But Colin didn't need to hide it any longer.
Colin could feel Isaac shake with a relieved chuckle, as the latter buried his face into Isaac's iron gut.
"It's cool, bro. We'll make it through this. You know we will." Isaac chortled as he held Colin in a firm embrace.
Colin wept against Isaac until his emotions were utterly spent. Calmed by the fatigue, unable to cry anymore, Colin pulled his numb self free of Isaac's arms.
"We're all good. Well, as good as we're gonna get right now, but we're all thinking clearly, right?" Isaac asked, as Colin wiped his button nose with a sniffle.
"Yeah… We're good." Claire loosened slightly with a watery chuckle. Colin clamped his lips shut and nodded, his head jerking wildly with the insincere gesture.
"...Hey Colin?" Isaac began, his voice noticeably soft.
"-What?" The wigglytuff forced himself to speak, drying his eyes with the fluffy backside of a mitt.
"You're pink." Isaac stated, his voice devoid of any humor.
Claire burst out laughing at Colin's stunned expression, but she soon choked on the drainage rolling down her throat. Yet her sudden laughter was infectious. Isaac was struggling to stay in deadpan, but the corners of his metal beak still lifted with a familiar expression.
And Isaac wasn't the only one fighting the chuckles back.
"Fuck you, Isaac." Colin retorted, his own round frame quivering with a gurgling laugh.
"Too soon?" Isaac asked, his voice returning to its standard good-natured drawl.
"Way too soon." Colin chortled, punching Isaac's iron knee.
Claire proceeded to cough up a lung, as she laughed at the both of them; fortifying the relief that they all needed.
…
He'd taken it far too well.
Colin shook his head in disbelief as he looked back on it all.
Fucking Isaac…
"...Go figure he'd be the only one to keep a lid on it." Colin muttered to himself.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" Claire overheard Colin's ruminations, her voice quivering and nervous.
"Yeah, he'll be fine. Gives us all a heartwarming speech about not being alone, and then he just plods off into the unknown, completely alone. Classic Isaac." Colin snorted.
The confidence was a facade; a comforting farce maintained by prior experiences.
"...What do you think is out there?" Claire asked, looking over towards the cavern's mouth.
"If I had to guess? Nothing good." Colin swallowed. Claire began to fall into herself, withering with both her guilt and fear.
"He'll be fine! He's Isaac! A twelve-foot Isaac with a kiloton metal jacket, for crying out loud!" Colin ridiculed Claire's fear, and by proxy: Colin tried to ridicule his own fear, but the uncertainty persisted all the same.
"I'm sorry…" Claire apologized for the umpteenth-zillionth time.
"...It's not your fault. I didn't choose to be pink; you didn't choose to be aquatic. It's just something that we have to deal with." Colin muttered, flinging a pebble across the cave.
"...What if he doesn't find any water?" Claire asked.
"There's a lot of greenery out there, and we're on the high rise of an incline. There's another mountain peak opposite us, above the treeline. Plants need water to grow; caves need water to form; water runs downhill. There's definitely water out there, and a lot of it, judging from the environment." Colin sighed. Claire went silent for a moment, as she curled into herself with an as-of-yet unspoken fear.
"...And when Isaac finds that water, what next?" Claire could feel the helpless tears in her eyes again. Colin looked at Claire in concern; clearly not understanding the fear behind her question.
"How am I supposed to get to the water!? I can barely move on land!" Claire flopped a few inches forward on her flippers, demonstrating her inability to ambulate.
Colin swallowed hard.
Neither he nor Isaac had considered that…
"...We'll think of something. Isaac is strong. He could knock down some trees, make a sled to move you-"
"Don't be stupid! What would he fasten the sled with?! Rope?! Nails?! Prayers?! What?!" Claire began to panic again, but she recognized the signs. Calming herself with a series of timed breaths, Claire subdued the anxiety.
"We'll figure something out! Right now, we need a destination! We'll figure out how to get to that destination when we've established a route! Just don't-" Colin cut himself off as the anger in his voice rose.
Claire had regained control of herself; now he was the one about ready to panic.
"It's like a messed up game of ping-pong…" Colin choked, suppressing the unwanted emotions. Claire looked at him in confusion.
"...We're emotional powdered kegs, just waiting to blow each other up…" Colin shuddered.
"...You're scared too?" Claire swallowed.
Colin stopped himself from replying to the truism with a justifiable: duh.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm scared out of my fucking mind." Colin whimpered instead.
Another uncomfortable silence filled the cave, as both of its occupants wrestled with their fears.
"...I hope he comes back soon…" Claire whispered in a worried voice.
Isaac…
"Yeah, I hope he does too." Colin sniffled, wiping his nose.
…
He finally felt like he could relax. For a moment, he allowed himself to just get caught up in the familiarity of the setting, reveling in both the birdsong and that evergreen scent.
He breathed deeply of the honeysuckle and sage seasoned air, relished the satisfying feeling of crisp moss and spongy soil parting beneath his feet.
It was a mountain. He was standing on a mountain; timbered and warm, the midday sun casting its golden hue through every gap and part in the bristled canopy overhead.
Almost familiar enough to be home… Isaac wistfully mused, as dry red pine needles crackled beneath his toes.
But even if this was home, there was no indication of a familiar territory to be seen across the land's expanse.
"You'd think that someone would've put a radio tower on that rock…" Isaac murmured to himself, as he scanned the opposite mountain range, and eyed the highest peak in that frost tipped sierra.
No red flashing lights. No red and white cabled pylons.
No indication of human activity to be seen anywhere across the expanse.
A pang of worry shook Isaac from his peaceful reprieve.
Claire was counting on him to find her a body of water, and the numerous fears that Isaac harbored for Claire's well-being drove him back to the pursuit of his quarry.
"Gotta be a body of water big enough for a lapras… That's a tall order for a steep mountain side; but the valley should have a river or a lake…"
If Isaac could find a snow-melt river on the mountainside, he could follow it down to the valley. All he needed was a trickle to start with, and then he could chase the watershed down to its largest tributary…
Just gotta find a creek or brook somewhere on this peak. Just need a little water to start off with. Just-
Isaac's internalized self-reassurances were interrupted by the recognition of a familiar sound.
That dull roar in the distance…
That's a waterfall! Game on! Isaac fist pumped with glee, as he tore off into the treeline; hunting for that distant roar's point of origin.
…
Forget that he was an aggron. Forget that he was basically comprised of basalt and steel. Forget that he barely knew how to swim…
Isaac dove into a shallow bend, just below the waterfall's descent.
The water was ice cold and crystal clear; not like that lukewarm and murky brown water that was so commonplace at home.
It felt good to get his hide wet. The relief was practically intoxicating as the water broke up the grit and soil packed between his plated joints, freeing his limbs from the earth's muddy hold.
And the taste…
...Water had never tasted quite as good as this.
Soft. Clean. Slightly tinged with a crisp mineral salt.
Refreshing to gulp, pleasing to drink.
Rising from the shallows, his previously unheeded thirst quenched, Isaac wiped the lazy rivulets of water from his beak.
Those startling reminders that he was no longer human were already beginning to lose their novelty; but that trivialization may have been attributed to this success.
This river was thick and raging. Certainly deep and wide enough for a lapras…
...But far too whitewashed and torrential to risk incorporating Claire.
Somewhere further down the watershed, a section of the river had to have grown slack…
Just gotta follow the road. Couldn't be easier. Isaac breathed out in relief, as he dragged himself free of the shallows, and plodded his way further down the incline.
…
A noise at the entrance of the cave startled both Colin and Claire, but the following grunt and jarring metal clang reassured them of Isaac's return.
"Good news." Isaac began with a beakish smile.
"There's a river, not too far down the southern side. Or maybe it's the western side? I dunno, either way, there's a big river over in that direction-" Isaac gestured to his left.
"-Problem is, it's mostly rapids. Like scary fast rapids. We're not putting Claire in the angrier bits, but the torrent slacks up between waterfalls-" Isaac began, but a teary eyed Claire interrupted him.
"-And how are we going to circumnavigate rapids and waterfalls?" Claire asked, her voice shaking.
Isaac locked up.
"...Shit." Isaac hissed to himself.
-He hadn't thought of that.
"What about a sled? We could try building one out of timbers and vegetation-" Colin began.
"Not gonna work in this terrain, Colin. Good idea though. Fuck!" Isaac grumbled as he struggled to think of a solution.
"...I guess this is it, then." Claire whimpered. Colin looked up at her shock.
"...I have an idea." Isaac muttered, working his mandibles uneasily.
It was a stupid idea. A bad idea.
...But there was no way that Isaac could pull it off. Claire was bigger than he was, and besides, it was Claire…
"I can just stay here-! We can all stay here, can't we?" Claire pleaded, leaving Colin gaping helplessly between her and Isaac.
"Claire… You're not gonna like this…" Isaac began on a wary note, knowing full well that he was crossing a line with the proposal alone.
"...What?" Claire's voice shook, as her eyes widened with a fearful intuition.
"...I'm gonna have to carry you."
It was like breaking a vial of sodium over a tub of water.
First, there was only the lazy hiss of vapors; then, the sudden and explosive reaction.
"No… No, no, no, nononononononoNO!" Claire began to panic, flailing her flippers in terror, as she tried to backpedal away from Isaac.
"We have to get you to a body of water, Claire. We have to." Isaac spoke softly.
Isaac knew why Claire abhorred physical contact. He knew why she had a phobia of it.
But for Claire to have known Isaac for as long as she had…
...It hurt Isaac slightly, knowing that Claire still feared to be touched by him.
"Why don't we try the sled idea?! It shouldn't be too difficult to-" Colin began, his own voice shaking.
"-If you wanna try dragging a sled with a twenty-tonne Claire on it across a boulder field, then be my guest, Colin. It won't work. We have to carry her." Isaac cut Colin off with a frustrated resignation. Claire was sobbing hysterically, her monstrous form now more animated than it had ever been prior.
Claire was trying to flee Isaac…
...And for the first time in her life, she couldn't escape him.
"I'm not gonna hurt you, Claire. It's me. It's Isaac. I'd never hurt you-"
"STAY AWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME! HELP! HELLLLP!" Claire screamed as though she were under attack-
...Though as far as Claire's memories were concerned, she technically was.
Isaac felt sick with himself as he moved towards Claire, knowing full well how this must have felt like a repetition of the past to her…
Unable to move. Unable to escape. Trapped in a dark room. Exposed. Vulnerable. Naked.
Helpless…
Isaac attempted to wedge his shoulder beneath her foremost flipper, but Claire no longer recognized him. A monster was forcing himself upon her. A monster that would take what he wanted, in violation of her pleas…
...A monster who would hurt Claire again, and lie to Claire about how much he loved her-
Claire bit down on Isaac's shoulder, her sharp jaws trembling against the steel plate of his clavicle.
Bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed-
But Isaac's armor was too hard; too thick; too dense, and far too strong to break beneath her beak.
Please bleed… please just go away...
A piteous moan sounded from Claire's throat, when the monster pushed himself beneath her, and lifted her at the midsection to ride upon his hips…
"Easy, Claire. Just take it easy." Isaac was almost crying as he hoisted Claire over his shoulders and onto the center of his back.
He knew that this was going to be hard…
...But Isaac never thought that he'd ever hate himself as much as this for trying to help Claire…
The monster was pushing against her; he was trying to take something; trying to take something from Claire that she never wanted to give-
"Colin, take the lead. I've got this." Isaac sounded nauseous, as Claire squirmed above him, trying to cleave her most sensitive region from its contact with his lumbar.
Colin shuddered, and wiped the tears from his eyes.
Why couldn't they have just tried the sled? Even if it didn't work, Claire wouldn't have to be-
Stop it. Colin told himself, as he placed a shaking pink foot ahead of its unstable twin.
Building a sled would take time and other resources we don't have. If the sled failed, then we'd still have to carry her. And there's no way that Claire could live in this cave. Isaac knows what he's doing… Colin swallowed hard when he realized how Isaac had managed to maintained his calm.
Isaac was doing what had to be done, and Isaac had been doing what needed to be done from the very beginning; because Isaac knew what could happen to him and his friends if he didn't.
Isaac had never wept, because Isaac knew that someone needed to keep their head on.
It had only just dawned on Colin.
If we don't act quickly, when we need to act quickly… Colin shuddered, and slipped on the slimy rim of the cave mouth.
"Keep moving, Colin. Take a left ASAP. Claire-! Just calm down!" Isaac grunted with the effort of lifting the flailing lapras past the lip of the cave. Colin bit down on his lower lip and complied.
-If we don't adapt, when we need to adapt...
...Then someone could die.