Goodbye From Me: Carla

If only. I can't help but think like that since it all happened. If only I hadn't of passed out drunk on the sofa, or left that candle burning. If only eh? Two flamin' words that seem to be leavin' everyone's lips.

"If only it had been Carla and not Leanne."

"If only she had known what would have happened."

"If only". Two words that I am gettin' sick to death of hearin'. They all said it to me at different times. When Paul died, and Liam. When Peter and Tina hooked up and I ended up losing my little girl. Frank launched his attack on me; removing me of who I am, or was and my clothes. Well I agree with 'em. I wish it had been me an' not you that had died then the guilt and pain wouldn't hurt as much as it does.

You were my very best friend at one point. My enemy at another time. Business partner another. Bitch too.

I had a good mate in ya Leanne. When things were tough we would talk and share a bottle or two of something (I ain't meaning a bottle of water chick) and let the problems unravel with the booze. That was my way of getting over what had gone wrong and what I had lost.

Funny that it's all I've done since Nick came back from the hospital, a full day after you had died. He hadn't left your side since the heart monitor went flat. Apparently he begged them to try and bring you back to life- pleading with the nurses- saying you would wake up and he couldn't lose you. He lost you that day...we all did.

It's my fault that Nick has lost the love of his life and Simon has had two mothers die in his life. I lit that candle and never blew it out. If I had, God I flamin wish I had. You would still have hated me but at least you'd still be hating me on earth; not from beyond the grave. You went too soon Leanne, far too soon. I just wish that it had been me that will be placed in the coffin in the ground next week; me that people would cry over, if anybody would. I am so, so sorry. I am, really. For everything, for it all.

I had a great pal in you. When things turned sour with the factory and I struggled to cope after everything with Tony, you were there. Good chum and always willing to hear the latest tales. Then it was my turn to hear you out when you started an affair with Nick and you couldn't cope with your feelings for both him and Peter. I was stupid though. I thought I could seduce Peter and use your affair to get him to fall for me. I was so wrong about him cheating then and falling for me. I don't think he ever loved me and you. Peter's deepest love lies in a bottle of vodka but I guess you learnt that from your own experiences.

We fell out not long after you became Mrs Barlow. In fact, we had more fights than boxers would in their flamin' life. I hated you and everything you spat out at me. But it was anger, jealousy and a large spoonful of regret that made me behave like that. I just wanted you to be my friend again and listen to what I had to say and let me apologise for messing in your relationship with Peter. Things got in the way and then Frank...well you know what he did Leanne, even though you told me I lied. I understand why you said it though. I had run your Mum over and nearly killed her when you had just got to know her again and Frank took the blame for me. I wish he hadn't now. Then I would be in the place I belong and you would still be alive.

You hated me even more when the truth came out about me and Peter. If I could have picked someone else I would have done because I know how much it hurt you. Believe me, I know. I could have chosen any other bloke, but I went for him and I am sorry again. Sorry I ruined your little family and put you through heartache. I didn't do it on purpose. I swear I didn't do any of it on purpose.

I miss ya an' all y'know. I miss ya spittin' your poison words at me and how much ya hate me for this and that. I would love to hear that on repeat and not your ear-piercing screams when the flames engulfed me flat and you were trapped. I pray and pray that it was me and not you. I hate myself for letting you die and leaving us all without you in our lives. God I never thought I'd say that. Really, I do mean it and I take back all of the insults and punches I hurled at ya. But I'll make sure my punishment gets you justice of some sort. I will, I promise. I'll send myself down, lower than I have ever been if it means that your family and friends feel they have justice for what I did.

But anyway, I have to go before they all start throwin' the flamin' pitchforks at me.

I would just like you to know that I thought you were a bitch. But deep down, a bitch with a heart of gold and the kindness to be the greatest friend I could have asked for. I am sorry for it all and I hope that the bar is well stocked up there 'cos yer always need wine.

Love you very much,

Carla. xxx

Thanks to those fabulous reviewers! Keep it up please!

The next chapter is...Peter.