To Live Again
Ch. 3: Storm Fall
I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. I woke up from the same nightmare that I had had every night for the last week: I was back in the Capitol Square, right before the parachutes went off. The only difference was that Boggs, Finnick, and Gale were there too, and I also knew what was going to happen. I was trying to warn everyone to run and get as far from there as possible, but no one was listening. I was getting frustrated and Finnick and Boggs kept telling me "it would be alright" and "that nothing was going to happen." That's when the first set of explosions ripped Boggs' legs off and the mutts were released to kill Finnick. The dream also ended the same way: As I ran toward Prim, each dream getting closer and closer to her, I would hear her whisper Katniss as the second explosions went off. Each time I would wake up crying and in a panic.
After I gently showered and changed from my sweat and tear soaked clothes, I headed down to the kitchen to find Peeta and Greasy Sae making breakfast. Both welcomed me with smiles, and I tried hard to return the favor, but the nightmares always put a damper on things.
I had my second session with Dr. Aurelius, but it was after the third that I spent the next four days lying in bed and curled up in a blanket. There hadn't been any particular topic, but he started asking about the District, my old house, and then my family, and I eventually hit a point where I just stopped talking. The only reason I got up today was because Peeta had come to check up on me two nights ago, and I lied and told him I wasn't feeling well so I could be alone. Therefore, I wasn't surprised to see that Sae had made soup. I guess it was later in the day than I thought it was.
"Feeling better?" Peeta asked as I took a seat. I simply nodded and forced myself to eat half of the bowl. "I brought over some sketches for the new bakery, would you like to see them?" Peeta asked as he noticed I was done eating. I nodded to be friendly, but I honestly wished that he would leave. Things were feeling normal between us, or how I suppose normal was supposed to feel. He would stop by my house for a meal, or when I couldn't stand being in my house anymore, I would go over to his and watch him paint. Most of the time we were silent, but every now and then something would come to mind and Peeta and I would be back to playing real or not real. Other times we would both open our mouths to say something else, something personal, but I think we were still too afraid to test the waters. So we would both shut our mouths and just enjoy the present. This should have made me feel better, but instead it made me feel even more uneasy.
"Katniss? Did you hear what I said?" Peeta broke me out of my train of thought.
"Sorry, can you repeat it?" I asked as I shook my head to bring myself back to reality.
"Are you alright?" Peeta asked a second question. "Maybe that bug isn't quite out of your system yet."
"Peeta," I sighed, "I wasn't really sick."
He looked rather confused when he asked, "Then why did you tell me you were?"
"Because I couldn't stand to be around you or anyone else!" I found myself blurting out. I knew by the look on his face that I might as well have killed him like I tried to do in his damaged memories. "Peeta, I'm sorry," I apologized as he immediately got up to leave. "Please, you need to hear me out," I reached for his arm to stop him.
"If you didn't want to have anything to do with me, then why didn't you just say so?" Peeta angrily asked as he turned to face me.
"It's not like that!" I suddenly felt like I had to explain everything. When he removed my hand, the force he used made me wince, but once he closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, he let go. Flashbacks.
"I just don't understand…"I began to say. I never should have opened my mouth. I should have just stayed quiet, because now I wasn't going to be able to stop talking, and I knew I was going to regret saying some things later on. "I just don't understand how you're here back in District Twelve, showing up to my house just to eat with me, and doing all of these things like baking me bread every day or planting flowers for my sister without…"
"Without what?" Peeta interrupted. "Go ahead and say it: Without me becoming a monster, is that it?" The words hung heavy in the room as we stared at each other, waiting for someone to make the next move. "Well you know what, Katniss? I didn't come back here to be that guy. I could never let myself do that if I thought it could harm you or anyone else."
"You just seem to be handling things really well…"
"You think I'm handling this really well? You think I don't wake up in the middle of the night hearing Cato's cries at the cornucopia? You don't think that I hear and see Darius and Lavinia being tortured to death?" Tears were stinging in my eyes again. "You don't think that I don't struggle to remember everything that happened in the Games, or even who I am? Because if so, you're wrong." He paused before saying, "There were other ways to have this conversation. Am I wrong that we both tried to ask but feared something like this happening?"
"No." That was exactly it.
"Damn it, Katniss! We're all each of us has left! We have to say these things!" We were both really worked up now, and I knew that it was best if one or both of us left. "But not like this." And with that, Peeta stormed out of the house. I knew staying put wasn't an option for me either, so I grabbed my hunting jacket and boots and headed into the woods.
I was a terrible person. I deserved all of the things that Peeta said to me and then some. Here he had been willing to protect me and be my friend, and I just threw it back in his face. He was right, there were other ways we could have had that conversation. Anything would have been better than what just happened. I was angry at myself, but something hurt me about the words that Peeta said too. Was it because he had said everything that I had been thinking in a less than polite way? Or did it just hurt to hear the truth?
As I headed to the woods, I was glad to see that the only people that were out were those who were rummaging through their homes. No one shoveling bodies. Thom and a few others were out loading supplies from the latest train to come through, but I wasn't in the mood to wave and say hello. As I crossed the meadow, it was reassuring to see that a good chunk of it had been covered up since the last time that I entered the woods. I ducked under the fence, grabbed my bow and arrows from the usual spot, and decided to let all of my thoughts go.
I was able to get a couple of squirrels and rabbits within minutes of finding a hideout, so I decided to move deeper into the woods. I wanted to get far away from life as possible. Autopilot hit and I just found myself walking, ignoring the ominous skies and rumbling thunder in the distant. If anything, it was music to my ears until I thought of the thunderstorm in the first set of Games when Peeta and I were trapped in the cave.
I eventually found myself growing tired, so I got some water from a nearby creek and continued on. My body knew I was tired before my mind and gave out upstream near a set of rocks. The thunder that was once in the distant was coming closer, and through the treetops I could see flashes of lightning. It didn't bother me, though. I had hunted in storms before and I was determined to stay out here as long as possible. I couldn't help but think how fitting the weather was for the day.
We're all each of us has left. Those words echoed in my mind as slipped my feet into the water and threw pebbles at random. Yet another reason I felt bad about our fight, because Peeta was right about that too. I forgot that his family was gone. Maybe it was because he wasn't close with them anyway. While I was mourning a sister and friends, he was mourning his entire family. Peeta would make new friends, but I was the only one left who had been there through it all.
The wind picked up again as the rain began to fall and the sky lit up like a Christmas tree. Instead of heading for cover or back to my house, I let myself sit there and soak it all in, as if it would wash away all of the bad memories of the Games, the rebellion, and of all of the things that I wish I could change: Take Peeta with me to roll the coil to the lake. Tell Boggs to take one step forward instead of one step back. Tell Prim not to leave Thirteen until it was safe. Gale…what would I say? What would I do? I honestly didn't know what advice I would give him. The list would never end.
A rumble of thunder so loud that it shook the ground caused me wonder if I really should move elsewhere. As I slipped my shoes back on and gathered up my stuff, a bright flash of lightning was followed by the cracking of trees. Before I could look to see where it was coming from, I felt something hit me, and my head was spinning with the images of the dead.