Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Characters

Gilded Heart

Music: Kanye West - Gold Digger

A/N: READ WITH YOUR BEST SOUTHERN BELLE ACCENT! It's more fun that way!

Mary-Alice POV

"Oh, would y'look at that! The princess is up before noon today!" The heifer – I mean – Mama Cheney snips. But I'm not gonna go there and stoop to her level.

The woman is a walking insult.

The old hag is sitting at the old –and I stress the word old – oak table sipping out a stupid duck cup and wearing a ratty pink terrycloth robe with…. Wait for it… Rollers in her hair and dingy slippers!

See? Walking insult. Too easy.

I make a show of yawning and flicking imaginary eye boogers in her direction and maybe letting my middle finger linger in the air for a second or two.

Or three.

"Oh, I made the coffee this morning," she sneers. "Extra special just for you. Just wanted to show you how much you mean to me."

Looking into the coffee pot I'm holding I see strands of what looks like hair, some blades of grass and what I suspect to be speckles of dirt. Instead of getting pissed and telling the old heifer off I dump the pot and throw the whole machine away.

"Oh, would you look at that! Somebody spilled some dirt in it! Ain't that a shame Mama Cheney?" I plaster a fake cheery smile onto my face. "Well, I guess Benny will just have to buy me a new one!" I finish with a clap and twirl around to the freezer in search of frozen waffles.

She angrily picks up the paper and her dumb duck shaped coffee mug seemingly put out by my attitude towards her behavior.

Old heifer-hag makes to leave the kitchen but not before taking one more shot at me.

"Jezebel."

I roll my eyes and close the freezer door in time to see Ben entering the kitchen. "Good mornin' sweetheart." I practically sing to Ben as he walks into the kitchen for breakfast. Breakfast that his mama prepared for him might I add. He doesn't even bother to look up from his plate to hand me his wallet. I take two twenties along with a crisp fifty dollar bill and stuff them in my bra. I waltz out of the kitchen to the foyer to let Winnie the Dog out to go tinkle. Which reminds me…

"Darlin' Winnie's gonna be needin'-" He hands me another fifty and I smile. I kiss him soundly on the cheek and leave him to eat in peace.

To some that transaction might have seemed cold and impersonal but that's just the way Ben and me have always been and I must say it is kind of a relief. There was no need to always butter him up or make kissy face whenever I needed something but it made me feel like less of… well… a bitch, when I did. Plus since we don't have much in common it doesn't make for awkward or strained conversation.

I know what you're thinking. What kind'a relationship is that?

Well now here's the thing, I've been with my fiancé for two years but we haven't even started planning our wedding yet. I tell everybody that it's because the season ain't right or because the wedding planner I wanted wasn't available. I even went as far as to blame it on bad timing of my cycle.

Because let's face it – you want Aunt Flow to be a no-show when you thinking about getting it on.

But no matter what excuse I use it doesn't fool me none because I know the truth.

I don't love Benjamin Cheney.

I knew it three years ago and I know it even more today. It just doesn't feel right whenever I'm with Ben and I just know he feels it too. But mother says that I'm not getting any younger and that she wants grandbabies considering I'm her only child with good sense.

I can't help but think: shouldn't I be marrying for love instead of convenience?

Ugh, all this is doin' my head in. I think it's about that time for happy hour at Jenner's; come to think of it I could definitely use a massage too.

I smell an impromptu spa day!

I get my cell out and dial Esme first and then dial in Rose on three-way. "Esme, Rosalie, it's Mary-Alice, I was wondering if you ladies wanted to surprise Bella with a getaway to the spa for her birthday, knowing her she'll need it and we can all catch up and get our drink on and then just relax."

"Oh, I don't know Mary-Alice, Phillip has important people coming over for dinner tonight and there's so much to do!" Says Esme.

"To hell with that, come out with us Essie! We never see you anymore!" Rosalie angrily spouts.

"Yeah Esme, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages, plus if I have to sit in this house with Mama Cheney for another second – let's just say that that life insurance policy of hers will be buying me a new wardrobe." I say trying to convince her.

"Well what about my kids? I don't know of any sitters and y'all know how I feel about leaving them with strangers and besides I highly doubt if Isabella has anyone willing to watch 'The Shining Twins!"

"But Essie you don't understand," I'm shamelessly begging now, "I need normal human interaction and I need my girls to give me that! Please please please!" It's quiet for a minute and I'm internally doing my happy dance thinking she's finally gonna say yes.

"I'm sorry Mary-Alice." She sighs.

Rosalie grumbles, "Fucking husbands and kids – this is why I refuse to get married! Everybody says 'Oh, Rosalie, you and Emmett should tie the knot already and start poppin' out a few babies!' And y'know what I say?" she asks rhetorically, she knows better than to expect an answer. "I say 'NO!' why would I wanna tie myself to that life forever?"

"So that's a definite 'No', Esme?" I divert the conversation, not bothering to answer Rosalie. She goes off on the same rant every time. We all know how badly she wants that big hunk'a man to "yabba-dabba-do" her.

Her words. Drunk Rose is a talkative little thing.

"I'm sorry ladies." Esme says solemnly. "Look, I feel like I ruined the party before it even began, tell Isabella that I'll bite the bullet and watch her boys for the night."

We all hang up and I dial Isabella.

"Dammit! Tyler Charles Newton! Come clean this mess up!" I hear Isabella yell out and then the call disconnects. I wait thirty seconds and then call back.

"Hello?" She answers, sounding breathless and irritated.

Perfect.

"You need a break, get dressed, Rosalie and I are takin' you out tonight to for drinks and a night of debauchery!"

"Oh fuck yes! You have no goddamn idea how bad I've been craving a stiff drink – or six!" She giggles.

"Yeah we're gonna go down to Jenner's and have a round of margaritas –on us of course. But that's not the best part though! Guess what else we're gonna do!" I don't give her time to answer. "Go to the spa; Ben's treat!"

Isabella groans, "Oh Alice you know I hate the fucking spa! It's just a tease! They have those sexy ass muscular foreign men to rub you down and make your whole body tingly but they're gay! It's like walking into a candy store only to find out that the shit's all sugar-free!"

I laugh at her remembering what happened last time. "Oh hush up, at least you know now!"

"It's not funny, besides, I think I'm banned from there anyway. Y'know, police restrictions and all."

"Uh huh, well Esme will watch the boys so we'll drop them off on the way. Now go, get sexy!" I say therefore squashing any more protests from her and hang up and skip to my bedroom to pick out the perfect outfit.

A/N: Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... Well... Yes I am.