Disclaimer: I don't own anything

I'm sooo sorry that it has taken me this long to post. I've had grad parties nonstop.

Chapter 2

It was 3 am and Kate Beckett was still awake. Wide awake and staring at her ceiling, to be precise. She hated these nights, the ones when she was so physically exhausted that her body ached everywhere, but her mind refused to turn off, and churning thoughts kept her up and alert. She rolled sharply onto her side and let out a long, frustrated breath. A little too loudly, she supposed, because two male arms came to wrap around her waist very gently, cautious of her bandages.

"What are you still doing up, babe?" Josh murmured into her neck.

Oh nothing, just wondering what the man in the next room looks like right now, asleep on my couch. Regretting how much that stunt of mine hurt him, wishing pushing him away wasn't this necessary to finding my mom's killer. She vaguely wondered what Josh's reaction would be to an honest answer before she plastered a small smile on her face, and keeping her head turned away from him and out of his line of vision, she answered, "Just restless, I guess I'm too excited at being home to sleep."

She felt him shift again, and his hand came to rest on her chin, lightly turning her face towards him. When her gaze met his, she saw the concern and confusion there.

"Please don't lie to me Kate." He said softly. "We've been together how long now? And you still can't be honest with me."

She started to respond, but he raised a hand to silence her.

"Look, I have no idea why Richard Castle is asleep in your living room right now, but I trust you enough to let him stay there. You say that he's your partner, Kate, and your friend, but neither of those labels entitle him to be here. When you were in the hospital he barely ever left. If he wasn't next to your bed, then he was in the waiting room down the hall. I know that you don't remember too much of this because you were asleep and medicated most of the time, but if you had seen his face after you woke up you would have realized… " Josh shook his head softly, letting his voice trail off.

He was right about her not remembering. Well, partially. She was pretty sure all the memories were there, but between the pain and the meds that line between reality and dreaming had been crossed so many times that she couldn't be sure which was which. Without solidity and evidence, she couldn't trust anything that she allegedly remembered, anything that was said.

Josh's voice pulled her back to the present. "Kate, I trust you. If you tell me that there isn't something more between you and Richard Castle than that's all I need." It wasn't a statement, and the unspoken question hung in the air between them.

"Castle is my partner and my friend Josh." She said with finality. It wasn't a lie because every word in that statement was true, she rationalized. Josh gave her a soft smile and she felt guilt overwhelm her. She needed to remove herself from this situation before her face gave away some of her discomfort.

"I'm going to go get a glass of water. Do you want anything?" she asked Josh, smoothly removing herself from his grasp and slipping out of the bed. He shook his head no, and she headed out the door towards the kitchen. To get to the kitchen, she had to pass by her living room which, at the moment, inhabited a certain ruggedly handsome writer.

She couldn't help but pause in the open archway. The glow from the T.V. was the only light source in room, casting shadows over his face and drawing her attention to his features. Alone in the darkness, she let her eyes roam over his uncharacteristically still figure.

There was a delicate vulnerability in his peaceful form. He had a pillow tucked under his chin, his arms wrapped trustingly around a bundled blanket, searching for comfort in something that belonged to her.

She closed her eyes briefly, overcome with a myriad of emotions that she couldn't even begin to place. Memories flooded her thoughts. His eyes dancing as he spouted off CIA theories ran parallel in her mind with the deep concern and desperation that overtook his gaze as he held her sobbing form against the car. The gentle quirk of his lips that signaled the oncoming innuendo and the hot press of his lips against her own, his teeth nipping her bottom lip, mirroring the action that had become her own frustrated habit. The way his fingers couldn't stay away from his iphone, and the tender brush of his thumb against her skin as he cradled her hand in his beside the pool. That musical teasing tone in his words when he had called her Scully, and the complete panicked seriousness in his voice when he whispered he loved her.

Beckett mentally froze. "Kate, please, stay with me. I love you. Kate, I love you." She could hear the raw whisper like it was yesterday. But, was it even real? She had no idea. She couldn't trust her drugged memories. Despite her doubts, she couldn't help replaying the moment again and again in her mind. She couldn't help the deep pull within her that prayed it was real, the part that lost herself in the emotion of his face, the tears in his eyes, and the pained honesty of his words.

Castle shifted under her gaze, almost as if he could feel her there, drawing her eyes back to his stilled form. His eyebrows crinkled in his sleep, and he let out a loud snore. An amused, whole hearted smile lit up Kate's face, and she shook her head slightly. She was aware that her gaze had turned into one of open adoration, but the silence of the room and the knowledge of her solidarity lulled her into security.

False security, actually. She heard the creak of floorboards behind her, and turned to find Josh standing in the hallway. She was too startled and surprised to wipe the previous expression off of her face, or to hide the guilt that swept over her features shortly after.

They stood there silently regarding each other, each now acutely aware of the elephant in the next room that was making his presence known by snoring even louder.

Josh's face was tight with betrayal and pained understanding. There was no mistaking her feelings towards the writer now. The way her eyes caressed him… He would have given anything for her to look at him that way. Hell, he had given everything. He'd given up his Doctor's Without Border's mission, which, aside from her, was the most meaningful aspect of his life. All for nothing.

"I guess this is it then." He said coldly. "I'll get my stuff and go."

"Josh…"

"You lied, Kate."

"I'm so sor…" He held up his hand to stop her.

"Don't, Kate."

Then he disappeared into her room, resurfacing with his wallet and coat. He walked past her, ignoring her tortured expression. He paused to glance from the writer on the couch to her face.

"I hope you're happy." His tone was bitter and harsh, and his stride was fast and purposeful as he headed towards the door. Then he paused, his fingertips on the door handle.

"I loved you, Kate." His voiced was soft now, his words spoken like a sad fact, because he was fully aware that he would receive no answer. "I hope you can finally be happy, Kate." This time his tone was genuine, his honesty mixed with a tremor of hurt.

Before she could even fathom an answer, he was gone, slipping softly out the door, his exit drawing a steady parallel to the quiet nothingness of what he had been to her.

It still left a dull ache in her chest. One, because he at least deserved her to be truthful to him. Two, because she felt overwhelming guilt at using him to hide behind as the safe shelter that wouldn't make her feel, wouldn't challenge her, wouldn't make her take risks.

She felt like a turtle newly stripped of her shell. She was exposed and Richard Castle would be there tomorrow, alone, in her apartment.

Damn it, she needed stronger armor. Quickly.