Tell Me

I entered my apartment still panting from my run. I had gone straight home from the library passing the shocked expressions on the librarians' faces. They knew me too well and were concerned about my hasty departure. I never flee the library – I'm usually hiding in it.

Outside, the warm afternoon air was stifling without the aid of fans. It warned me to walk, but, about two feet into my walk home, I broke out into a run from pure adrenaline. There wasn't a thought in my head except the fact that you were coming over tonight.

Tonight.

My body came to a screeching halt – frozen in my entryway as the world threatened to tilt. Suddenly, I couldn't find enough air. The rapid intake of air only worsened my situation. I braced myself against the door for a moment.

Oh shit – what did I agree to? Was it to talk or… at the time you told me to be home you could have told me anything and I would have agreed to it. I wasn't thinking. I was just… just feeling. It was all so new. I'm not adept to social situations. You are. I've never even been on a date before. I've never been touched or even kissed – not like that – before.

I've also never been this alone before. I've always had Al at my side – to listen to my every thought, worry, anything. But I set him aside and returned alone. I could turn to Riza for help but I didn't know where she stood regarding you. And to break down and call Al meant confessing something I wasn't quite ready for. I didn't realize how isolated I've become.

A soft whine brought my attention to the floor. Scruffy stood up on his hind legs, whined again and turned his head sideways. 'What's wrong?'

Grudgingly, I had to acknowledge that my onset of dizziness had nothing to do with afternoon heat.

I walked into the bathroom at the beginning of the hallway – a simple guest bathroom. It was the closest and I didn't want to risk any farther in my state. Once the taps let out cold water, I splashed my face trying to cool off. Physically and mentally. I needed to reengage my logical side. To think this out in the few hours I had.

Leaning over the sink, I looked into the mirror. I remember brushing Havoc off the other day when he commented on how pale I've gotten – thinking that he was just giving me crap, but… it's true. My tanned look had faded once my travels ended and I became library bound. The only thing giving my face color was my hair – setting off a golden contrast. Maybe if it had been black I would have looked refined or perhaps stately? Instead I think this is more sickly.

You found this attractive?

I need reunite my friendship with the sun.

Sighing, I turned from the mirror and went into the bedroom to change out of these clothes. I dug out a decent pair of black denim pants that didn't look too much like they've been living on the floor for a few weeks. I was thinking about locating my usual black tank top when I recalled my appearance. Instead I found fresh white one in the closet.

I gathered up all of the miscellaneous crap that had accumulated in the apartment and threw it into the bedroom closing the door behind me. Each small task calmed my anxious mind with methodical ease. With my mind settled, tonight's events were clear. No one, and I mean no one, but me is going in there tonight. This was only about this afternoon and nothing more, right?

Sure of this decision, I moved on to straighten up the second bedroom – a.k.a. the Kennel – and fed the dogs. With the three strays distracted by the arrival of food, I closed the door to lock them in until you left. I ushered Scruffy away from the door to follow me into the kitchen.

Once my mind lets go of its current fixation it tends to discover that I'm hungry. I made a quick sandwich to eat – tossing some scrap meat to Scruffy – as I gathered up all of the research materials onto the kitchen table into a respectable pile. Once straightened, the table looked an awful lot like your desk.

A fact that earned a smirk as I thought of the comparison.

A smirk that ended as soon as I pictured the actual desk with its owner sitting behind it.

You will be here soon and I'm still wondering about your intent. I reminded myself of my resolution, but the logical side I was desperately trying to utilize questioned my ability to keep it. I glanced around one last time at the apartment and decided that it looked okay. After all you wouldn't expect me to be too tidy – would you?

Dammit.

If I'm messy I'm me. The me who usually is too concerned about gathering information on any given topic to care about appearances or any other socially acceptable pursuit like cleaning. And it wasn't as if you hadn't seen me buried in a mess of books, paper, and other various articles. But what if you think this means I'm still a child. A child who still needs an adult to remind him to pick up his stuff.

Why do you make me think about these things?

I was struck with the realization that somehow you had managed to transport the uncertain and off-balance sensation I get in your office into my home. My home. Ugh, why was I allowing you to do this?

I could tell a worried look had spread across my face as I heard Scruffy's whine again. I looked down and picked the dog up, carrying him over to the couch where I set him down on my lap. I was running my left hand through Scruffy's hair – fretting over the state of the apartment and your opinion of it – when the doorbell rang. Scruffy let out a growl and ran to the front door.

I sat there frozen.

I know you're there.

Think. Think dammit. I shut my eyes shaking the fear and nervousness from my face. I'm counting on logic. Taking a breath, I walked over to open my door for you. I'm letting you in. I'm scared – so scared.

The door seemed to open in stages. Like one of those motion pictures played too slowly on a reel – each new slide jumping from scene to scene. Once open, there you were on the other side still in your uniform. The blue jacket had been discarded, however, revealing the white, button-up shirt you always wear underneath. That one collar button was undone.

Just like the other night on your date – with her.

Why did I think of that?

I scraped together what was left of my function brain, "Hey."

The grimace on your face changed as you gave me a smile back. "Hello, is this yours?"

I followed the line from your finger to Scruffy – still pleased with the fact that you smiled at me. Did I somehow make you happy? Oh, wait, Scruffy is growling.

"Yeah, that's Scruffy." I picked up Scruffy once more trying to calm the upset dog. His small body felt ridged in my arms as I felt the echo of vibration from his growl. Odd. Scruffy likes everybody. He's never barked or growled at anybody he's met before. Bypassing this for the moment, I decided to comment on your condescending tone regarding my pet, "I thought you liked dogs."

"I do, but I wouldn't call that a dog. Can I come in or do you intend…" You gestured to my doorway with a questioning look.

"Just get in here. I should tell you to go after making fun of my dog." I tried to walk back in with a huff, but it was hard with Scruffy squirming in my grasp. It was more like a wobbly walk. Apparently your entry into my home was a call to arms and Scruffy wanted to battle on the front lines. Opening up the Kennel, I placed Scruffy in with the others. Just while you're here since he doesn't appear to like you.

I made a mental note to ask Kain about this behavior. Normally, Scruffy is great with guests – unexpected or otherwise.

When I turned back and headed for the front room I saw that you were just standing there. I had cleared both the couch and the overstuffed chair of debris – neatly piled on the coffee table before both – so you could sit. But now I find you standing there and I feel mildly insulted.

Were you surveying the apartment?

Was it what you expected?

Or worse, it was what you expected.

"Do you have more of those things back there?" Your question carried a bored tone. Almost as if I was the last meeting in your schedule before a hot date that night.

You're the one who called this meeting. Confused, I continued on, "You mean dogs?"

Good humor lined the persistent bored pitch to your voice, "Well, if the others look like that black thing, then no, I don't mean dogs."

This was getting me nowhere. I stepped into the living area with a sigh born from a variety of concerns. You were supposed to be here to explain this afternoon; not debate what constitutes a dog. You were supposed to want to talk to me; not treat this conversation like a chore. A heavy feeling consumed the pit of my gut sending the worst thoughts running through my mind. Was everything I'd hoped for… everything I'd built up from this afternoon a mistake? A misunderstanding on my part?

I had little choice. Ignoring the foreboding feeling in my gut, "No, the others don't look like Scruffy. Yes, there are three others back there. Before you ask, I've been taking care of the strays Kain finds until he can find homes for them."

"I didn't know you two were so close."

"I should have some friends don't cha think?"

You nodded a reluctant affirmative response and allowed silence to control the room.

I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to get to the point, "So," I began, "explain."

I heard you give a soft laugh. "Always to the point, Edward?"

I've never been demure or coy and social segues were beyond me. I'm overly blunt and generally coarse when it comes to speech. You know all of this. Walking over to you in an attempt to prevent any further derailment of the topic at hand, "Listen, I want to know just what… well… uh… Aw, dammit!" I hung my head in defeat. Why am I so tongued tied around you? Why can't I just say it? What happened? What in the hell did that kiss mean?

I never saw you cross the room. I only became aware of your proximity when I felt the palm of your hand cupping my cheek and pulling my face upwards. The library came rushing back to my senses. The strangely hot, light-headed sensation raced through me – almost as if I had a fever. My eyes longed to drift closed while my heartbeat threatened to drown out all other sounds.

I want you to kiss me again.

For a moment we made eye contact, your gaze searching for who knows what from mine when I felt your hand slip away. I lowered head and shut my eyes just in time to hide my rejected desire. Noticeably apparent in my easily read yellow eyes. That touch… it made me want so much.

Do you know what you're doing to me?

What you are making me foolishly hope for?

And just like this afternoon, I emerged from my distracted thoughts to discover that I'm being guided around my home to my couch. You're always so pushy. You sat us down facing each other, but close enough that I could feel your knee against mine. Those damned dark eyes forever refusing to give me even a hint of what was to come.

"Edward," you began, running your fingers through the longs bangs on either side of my face. It feels so good – so right. My eyes want to shut again, but I force myself to watch this. Trying to find a clue as you pulled your hands away. "Edward, about this afternoon."

The tone was all wrong – cold and formal. I was the last meeting; the final loose end to tie up in your day. The stupid, hopeful fantasies I had all afternoon shattered in an instant. Cool logic reminded me that it was all too perfect after all. I suddenly saw her so clearly in my mind. Her soft sandy hair, the pretty white dress, the smile on your face at something she said. It was all a horrible mistake.

Didn't you know, Ed? You see, I was dumped by that blonde girl and you kinda look like her so…

"I shouldn't have done that…"

Because you're still just a kid to me.

"You're still so young…"

And I should be protecting a little guy like you from these adult things.

"Edward… Edward, are you listening to me?"

Yes and no.

This is goodbye.

And I don't want to hear it.

Instead of an answer I turn to stand and face away from you. I don't want you to see how this hurts. How hard I'm trying to keep everything together. I can hear the throbbing in my ears as the emotion wells inside me and promises tears. It's deafening – threatening to break me in front of you.

I want to be angry with you, but I just can't. I was a fool. A stupid, childish fool who got too far ahead of himself.

Tilting my head upwards to prevent the possibility of tears, and donning my comfortable, petulant child act, "Just spit it out already. I don't need any of your fucking excuses." See? Just as you expected of me. I'll curse and rant like a child to give you a reason to go.

And do it quick before this act slips away from me.

I was waiting for the sound of the door closing, but you surprised me again. Your arm was warm as I felt it cross over my left side. It wasn't until you tightened your grip when I realized that you've trapped me against your own body – your arms locked firmly across my chest. My courage to maintain this façade broke instantly.

You lowered your head to my left side to speak softly in my ear – stirring a slight shudder. "Edward, you really should start listening to me."

Keeping me locked in this position, you repeated, "What I had said, was that I shouldn't have pushed you so far in the library this afternoon. I'm accustomed to rather… experienced women and I forgot that you are new to this. Right?" Despite being right next to my ear, you muttered 'because you sure weren't shy' as a justification for your rash behavior. "So if I made you uncomfortable I'm sorry."

What the… so what is this? Do you mean that what happened is good, or are you apologizing for it? I broke the hold you had on me. I needed space. When you're that close… I tend to not think. "What do you mean? What is this? Because…"

I feel so confused.

I watch you grin and get a feeling that I've just become prey. "Edward, I meant the kiss in the library. I just didn't mean to take it so far so fast."

Oh.

OH.

Continuing on, "You've always seemed out of reach. Like you didn't really want anyone else around. But lately I thought maybe… and you responded so well."

I felt completely floored. The blush so hot on my face I had to be bright red. Instinctively I dropped my head to hide behind my bangs. "S-so you… and I…"

Dropping your voice to a low, soft tone, "So, Edward?"

Your fingers slipped underneath my chin again pulling my head up once more. When did you get so close to me again? My mouth is completely dry and the desire to wet my lips has never been stronger. My head is so light that I worry about passing out.

"I… you mean… you like me?" Now that was that amazingly stupid. I wonder if it is possible to die from embarrassment.

I heard your soft laughter at my smooth query and melted at the sound. "Yes, I like you, Ed."

" 'cause I like you too." I'm getting worse. Sorry about that, the blonde roots are sinking in deep. IQ dropping quickly. Somebody please stop me before I get any worse.

You laughed again before placing a sweet kiss against my lips. So soft and warm. Please, please don't stop.

Pulling away your lips from mine, you whisper into my ear, "It's Roy, Edward. Call me, Roy."

Now it's my turn to give off a nervous laugh. Wishing I could bite my lower lip, "Okay, Roy."

You smile again, but this one is different. It was something I've never seen before. Almost as if you had been waiting for the day I said your real name – not General, not Colonel, bastard General/Colonel, not hey you, or just plain bastard – but your real name.

"Mmm, I finally have your attention. Maybe I should have tried this earlier?"

The shock that spread across my face couldn't have been more evident. The warm feeling pulling me into quiet contentment was immediately ruined. I pulled myself away from those deceptively inviting hands. "What was that?" Adding a hint of venom on the 'that'.

"Nothing. It's nothing." You placed your hands up in mock surrender grinning. I can tell you're joking, but still. Why do you have to sling shot my emotions like that? Why couldn't you let it be?

But with this line drawn, I can't back down. You can't keep doing that! "You arrogant bastard! Did you think that you can just…"

You cut me off mid-rant by pulling my chin upwards again to meet you halfway as you bent down to accommodate my height and claimed another kiss. I relaxed instantly. I want to yell at you more, but I've lost the will the fight. I know that this bad – I shouldn't let you win like this. Your body feels too good against my own. I've wanted this for too long.

The kiss was soft and frustratingly brief. Releasing me once more, you walk back to the doorway. "Forgive me. I can't help but enjoy irritating you." I began to tell to you exactly where you can take your half-assed 'forgiveness', when you added, "You can be so cute."

Uh, what? I dropped the hand I had raised to give the insult. Cute huh? I guess I can deal with cute, but I don't want you getting any ideas. Better say that.

"Cute? I'm no girl."

Grinning back and dropping your tone to that low, confidential level, "Oh, I know that."

I felt the blush return with a vengeance as you laughed again. This must be what is so cute. Dammit.

"Edward?"

"Yeah."

"I still expect that list of names tomorrow."

What? After what you put me through tonight! I'm exhausted trying to keep my thoughts in order. "Not happening." It's all your fault that you "enjoy" riling me up. Bastard.

You raise your eyebrows in mock surprise. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Hmm."

Your keys made a slightly metallic clink as you played with them in the doorway. I won't budge – mostly because I have no idea what you are up to. All night long you've either teased or thrilled me and they've back to back so far in a steady pattern. The cute/girl comment settled with a thrill. Now we're on tease.

"Well, if you can't be responsible…"

That is so dirty, but it fits the pattern. Fine, if you want to play that way I'm game. So I respond, aiming for your chosen word, "And I can't trust that you…"

The deep, black color of your eyes hardened as you narrowed your gaze in a display of irritation. Point for me. Not fun when it's your irritation is it?

A brief staring contest begins as we glared back at each other. You hoped I would surrender – apologize for my words. You should know better. I never apologize; especially not for something this unfailing accurate. Besides I've let you manipulate me all night long. You were asking for payback sooner or later.

Using your commanding tone to break the silence, "Tomorrow, one. You'll be at my office ready."

Replying in my best flippant tone, "Four. You know you're gone at one." Ah, I do miss our bartering days. You'd tell me to do something, I'd say no, and we go back and forth until I'd do what you asked with a new price tag attached. This was just like old times. I had to suppress a rising smile. You knew I didn't respond well to commands.

Sighing, "Two."

"Three, no earlier if you want it legible." I watched you think it over. My penmanship has been a great bargaining chip over the years.

"Fine, three, but it had better be typed and have coherent explanations."

I grin back at you. "Aren't they always."

" 'They suck' is not an explanation."

"Picky aren't we?"

"Fullmetal."

Okay, I get your cue loud and clear. If I push you any further, you'll actually be angry. "Alright! Just go already before I let Scruffy out."

"Like I'm frightened by a moving bath mat."

"A bath mat that bites." I flash my trademark mischievous grin. Really, Scruffy would probably lick you to death before anything else. Even if he didn't like you.

You're still standing at my doorway. Aren't we done here? Wondering why in the hell you're still waiting at the door, I leave the living room to walk over to you. Whatever it is doesn't seem like it could be settled from across the room.

And why shouldn't I? I've been following you all around my apartment tonight anyways. Standing before you once again, you reach out to caress the left side of my face again. Is this going to be a thing with you? I mean I guess it isn't bad.

You lean in to press a soft kiss against my cheek and whisper "later" into my ear before you leave.

Oh, so you wanted to say goodbye. That was nice. I realize I'm about as giddy as a girl with her first crush and feel a renewed hatred for the word "cute".

I waited in the doorway until the sound of your car's engine drifted away. Closing the door behind me and locking up for the night, I felt strangely energetic. True, the myriad of emotions I managed to run through in one day was impressive, if not exhausting, but I don't feel it. I reach up to experimentally touch the place your hand was a moment ago. An act that sends a feeling like no other into my system. Like I just discovered the missing key to a stagnate research project.

It's the only other time I've felt anything like this before.

The faint sounds of scratching at a door coupled with muted whines draws my attention to the Kennel. I really need do to something about them. It is dusk outside. Too late to bother walking the dogs but still light enough that I needed to run off their energy before I could go to sleep. I let the dogs out of the room to run and give them free reign of the apartment. For the next few hours they could chase each other and play to their hearts content. It only seemed fair after neglecting their usual afternoon walk. I checked to see if the doggie door was open to the small backyard before heading into the kitchen.

I still had to create the very list you asked for and now was as good a time as any. After all, I have renewed my attempt to impress you, haven't I? Completely legible and well-versed explanations were naturally the order I needed to fulfill. Besides, with a quartet of dogs running rampant through the apartment and the thrill you sent through my system, there is no way I can do anything else. I'm wide awake letting the rush your touch makes dictate my mood.

The things you do to me.

The things I enjoy so much.

A/N: Major changes here! I think I better described/told how this chapter. The original was too vague for anyone else – I, of course, have known all along! Hope everyone out there still thinks it is better too.

*Need a charity? Visit nationalmssociety (dot) org for information on how you can help fight Multiple Sclerosis.