Warnings: Squick all over the place. I'm not warning for anything specific, though, so read at your own risk. Not a happy fic.

So thinking I should start posting this and then go on vacation and be able to update was one of the less brilliant ideas I've had. The churches of Wireless Jesus were few and far between, and even Saint WPN's Cathedral with its miracle wi-fi from nowhere had a pretty unreliable signal. Vacation was lovely with only minor alcohol poisoning, and the free sangria in the magical cavern wasn't even drugged (probably). Hooray! I should be back to my normal weekly posting schedule except maybe for the start of July.

And I wanted to say that I'm sorry for my lack of replies. I got a lot of reviews on other fics as well while I was gone, and will attempt to possibly get back to people as soon as I can.

XXX

Sephiroth gave a tired sigh as he leaned against the door after seeing Zack out. Just as he had expected, Zack hadn't been able to find anything out, except that the lab was on heightened security after a sample escaped. Both SOLDIER and the Turks had been assigned to locating it, and Zack had used the opportunity to talk to some of his friends about keeping watch over the cadets.

Sephiroth had hoped that that news, at least, would cheer Cloud up a bit, but he supposed he couldn't really expect Cloud to feel happy that others might be spared because of what had happened to him. Zack's other attempt at cheering him up hadn't gone so well either, although that was really to be expected. Honestly, he wasn't sure what had made Zack think that telling Cloud that he could play with breasts any time he wanted would be a good idea. The revelation that Cloud wasn't interested in breasts had been interesting, however.

Still, despite the setbacks, Cloud seemed to be making a bit of progress with adapting. He had used the toilet almost by himself; Sephiroth had still been in the bathroom, but he hadn't had to do or say anything. Then he had gotten his shirt changed on his own, although he still needed help with his pants and underwear. Maybe tomorrow he would be willing to try taking a shower. He didn't smell yet, but Sephiroth's enhanced sense of smell couldn't handle much in the way of body odour.

He flicked the deadbolt on the door and headed towards his room, pausing outside Cloud's when he heard some soft sniffles. He tapped quietly on the door before pushing it open. "Cloud? Is something wrong?"

Cloud hastily wiped his eyes with the sheet. "I'm not crying."

"Okay," Sephiroth said, coming in and sitting down next to Cloud. "Anything in particular you're not crying about?"

"I'm sick of crying."

"I know." Sephiroth shifted a bit closer and hugged Cloud.

"It's just...it really is going to be a long time, isn't it? I know you said, but..."

"You didn't want to believe it. I'm sorry. We'll try to figure it out as fast as we can, but yes. There's only so much we can do without exposing you to the public. And even then...There's no guarantee we'd get any results."

"I don't want that," Cloud said, sounding terrified.

"That's what I figured. We will figure it out Cloud. I won't leave you like this forever, but it's going to take time. We can manage though, can't we? We'll get through it one day at a time."

"Days are awfully long."

"Then we'll just get through the next hour, or the next minute...I'll bet you ten gil you can survive the next second." Sephiroth paused while Cloud laughed quietly. "See? You can do it. I'll help you, don't worry."

"Thank you, you have helped. I—I was so scared yesterday before you found me." Cloud rested his head on Sephiroth's shoulder and shut his eyes.

"Get some sleep, Cloud. It's been a long day." Sephiroth tried to think of how Cloud must have felt, all alone in that sample room, but he couldn't fathom it. He knew what it was like to be scared in the lab, of course, to not know what was coming next, but something like that...He pulled Cloud a little closer and rocked him gently as he drifted off to sleep.

When Cloud was soundly asleep, Sephiroth laid him down and tucked him in, brushing a few strands of hair out of his eyes. "Sleep well," he whispered.

XXX

Sephiroth was up a while before Cloud and spent the time worrying about how he would get Cloud into the shower. He had just worked out a plan when he heard Cloud stirring in his room. Cloud poked his head out into the living room; he was wearing Sephiroth's sweater and looking nervous again.

"Good—good morning, Sephiroth."

"Morning, Cloud. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, it was all right. I—um, I'm going to go to the bathroom." Cloud plucked nervously at the hem of the sweater.

"Okay, do you need help?"

"No. I—I can do it, but...um, just in case, can you...?"

"I'll wait right outside the door for you." Sephiroth got up and gave Cloud an encouraging pat on the back.

"Th—thank you, sir." Cloud clutched at Sephiroth's arm as he shuffled towards the bathroom.

Sephiroth waited patiently outside while Cloud used the toilet. "What would you like for breakfast?" he asked, hoping to keep Cloud calm. But Cloud didn't answer until he emerged, looking on the verge of tears. Sephiroth sighed, this was too hard on the poor kid; he shouldn't have to suffer like this. He'd help him with the shower; being a bit embarrassed couldn't possibly be worse than having to deal with it on his own.

"How about eggs and some bacon?" Sephiroth prompted, wrapping an arm around Cloud and guiding him to the kitchen table.

"That would be good. Can I help with anything? I can cook."

"That's okay, Cloud. I've got it." Sephiroth left Cloud at the table and poured him some juice. Cloud had enough to deal with now; he didn't need to help with anything. He brought the juice over to Cloud and then set work on their breakfast. Cloud sat there looking awkward and a little tired the entire time Sephiroth cooked. It seemed like he didn't know what to do with himself.

"Are you sure I can't help with anything?" Cloud asked again, sounding a bit desperate.

"It's fine—" Sephiroth paused, maybe giving Cloud a simple task would be a good idea to keep him occupied. "How about you set the table? I can show you where everything is."

Cloud hopped up and started taking out plates and cutlery to the table, shyly opening cupboards and drawers when Sephiroth wasn't fast enough to show him where to find things. Once he got the cutlery laid out, Cloud immediately went back to looking awkward.

"Just take a seat, Cloud. It's almost ready; you don't need to do anything." Sephiroth put some bread in the toaster and dished up their breakfasts, then brought the plates out to the table. Cloud sat there nervously until the toast finished and Sephiroth brought it out and sat down. "Go ahead and eat, Cloud. No need to wait for it to get cold."

"Thank you," Cloud said quietly.

When they were finishing off the last of their breakfast, Sephiroth took a deep breath and prepared to broach the topic of the day. "Cloud, I was wondering if you're feeling up to taking a shower today?"

Cloud dropped his last bite of toast and stared, wide-eyed, at Sephiroth, before becoming extremely interested in a mark on the table. "I don't suppose I can just find a really good deodorant, can I?"

"No, you can't. But I can help you, if you need or want it. I understand that you don't want to have to deal with this; it's unfair."

"I can't do it by myself," Cloud said, shaking his head. "I—I went to the bathroom on my own, but..."

"I understand, I'll help you, Cloud. We can do it." Sephiroth reached out and patted Cloud's hand. "Finish up your toast."

"I'm not hungry..." Cloud mumbled and pushed the plate away.

Sephiroth supposed it was a good thing that he had waited until Cloud was nearly done before he had brought it up. "Well, should we get it over with then?"

Cloud seemed to curl in on himself and his voice hitched. "I don't want to."

"I know, Cloud. I know you don't." Sephiroth got up and knelt beside Cloud's chair. Tears were threatening to fall from the corners of Cloud's eyes and he was shaking slightly. Sephiroth pulled him up and hugged him tightly. "You'll be all right, Cloud. I know it's scary, but I'll get you through it. You don't have to do anything more than stand there, if you want. Please?"

Cloud finally nodded and Sephiroth nudged him in the direction of the bedrooms. He picked out a fresh set of clothes for Cloud and grabbed a towel and washcloth from the linen closet. "We'll use my bathroom," he said. "It's bigger, and that will just make things easier."

Cloud followed him mutely down the hall to the master bedroom, where he hesitated outside the bathroom door.

"Come on," Sephiroth encouraged him. "You'll be all right."

At Sephiroth's urging, Cloud took the few steps forward into the bathroom, and Sephiroth shut the door behind him. He turned on the water and got it warming up before turning back to Cloud. "Okay, let's get you out of those clothes."

Cloud didn't move and just stared at the floor, so Sephiroth decided it would be easiest to just do it for him. He held Cloud's arms over his head with one hand and pulled the sweater, followed by the t-shirt, up with the other. Cloud had kept his head down and started crying outright at the sight of his breasts.

"You're okay, Cloud. You're okay. Just look away." Sephiroth tossed the tops on the floor and hugged him again. "Come on, look up at the ceiling." He had to keep going now; Cloud needed to shower. That really wasn't optional, and putting it off would just delay the inevitable. Sephiroth shoved Cloud's pants down and picked him up, trying to be as comforting as possible while still being efficient. He set him down in the water stream and Cloud clung to the railing, shaking and crying, trying to hide himself from sight. Sephiroth pulled his shirt off, but figured it probably wouldn't be appropriate to take his pants off as well, despite the fact that they were going to get soaked.

"Okay, step back, get your head wet. Let's get this done, Cloud," Sephiroth said firmly, taking on the tone of the world's kindliest drill sergeant trying to get someone to run one more lap. Cloud stumbled slightly as Sephiroth gave him a nudge further into the water and Sephiroth reached out to steady him. "Shut your eyes and tilt your head back. There you go, good. Hold out your hand." He grabbed the shampoo bottle and doled some out. "Wash your hair," he ordered. Surely Cloud would be able to handle that.

Sephiroth waited patiently as Cloud worked the shampoo through his hair with trembling hands; there was the occasional loud sob and it seemed a bit like Cloud was having trouble getting enough air. "You're all right, Cloud," he said gently. "Your hair's the same as it always was. Just calm down and take some slow breaths."

Cloud finally spoke. "I can't do this, I can't. I feel sick. I can't do it." He dropped his hands from his head and collapsed bonelessly on the floor of the shower, sobbing. A small trail of red flowed out from underneath Cloud's knees where they had hit the tiles with all his weight.

"Okay, Cloud, it's okay." Sephiroth stepped fully into the shower and took over. "You don't have to, I understand. Just try to tune it out, and I'll get you cleaned up and out of here before you know it. Close your eyes." Sephiroth crouched down and gently tilted Cloud's head back into the spray, doing his best to keep the shampoo out of Cloud's eyes as he rinsed it. It was hard to hear the sobs over the sound of the shower as Sephiroth methodically washed Cloud, but his heaving chest and occasional gasps for air were more than telling. He was completely unresponsive to any of Sephiroth's commands, and he worried that he might have just broken the poor kid by making him do this.

"You'll be all right, Cloud. Really, it's going to be okay," Sephiroth said, trying to convince himself as well. He was a monster. This was beyond cruel and Cloud was going to hate him for it. Sephiroth gathered up his courage and reached between Cloud's legs with the washcloth.

Cloud screamed and threw himself back into the shower wall, cracking his head and kicking frantically. He curled into a shuddering, sobbing ball, making himself as small as possible. "Don't—don't—" he gasped out.

"I'm sorry, Cloud. Sorry, I should have warned you." Sephiroth reached out and touched Cloud's shoulder. He was, once again, unresponsive. Sitting back on his toes, Sephiroth pondered how to proceed. They couldn't just ignore washing down there; Sephiroth was pretty sure that that wouldn't be healthy. He also wanted to get Cloud out of the shower as soon as possible. The longer he spent trying to convince Cloud to do it, the longer Cloud would be upset. At the same time, he knew that he didn't like being held down and forced to submit to things, so Cloud probably wouldn't either, even if it would just get it over with. Then again, was it really that much worse than what he had been doing already?

"Strife, stand up," Sephiroth ordered sharply, making his decision. He bodily hauled Cloud to his feet and kept one arm wrapped around him to keep him from falling again. He forced the washcloth into Cloud's other hand and held onto it, preventing him from dropping it. "We're getting this done, Strife, whether you like it or not. Wash yourself."

Cloud moaned and shook his head, clinging tightly to Sephiroth's arm with his free hand. "Can't—I can't."

"You can. And the sooner you do it, the sooner you can get out of here." Sephiroth kept his voice firm and pushed Cloud's hand towards his groin. Cloud whimpered and squirmed against him, but eventually gave himself a few quick rubs with the cloth.

"There, let me out." Cloud dropped the washcloth and reached for the shower door.

"Just let me rinse you...okay." Shutting off the taps, Sephiroth flung open the door and half-carried Cloud out, convinced that if he let go of him now, Cloud would just bolt. The towels were within easy reach and Sephiroth grabbed one and wrapped it around Cloud's shoulders. His pants were getting water everywhere and sagging dangerously, but he tried to keep them away from Cloud as he briskly dried him off. Unfortunately, that afforded Cloud the opportunity to escape, and he darted through the door. Sephiroth heard the bedroom door slam, and all he could think was at least he hadn't tried to run outside.

Sephiroth cursed quietly as he pulled his pants off and got dried and into some fresh clothes. That had been a complete fucking disaster. What the hell was he supposed to have done differently? And what was he supposed to do now? He walked quietly out into the hallway; Cloud was still crying hysterically, and his door was shut. Was he supposed to go in and try to comfort him? Let him have some privacy? What had Zack said to him the first night to get him to stop throwing up? At least he wasn't throwing up now...Sephiroth sighed and banged his head against the wall. He wasn't cut out for this.

Thinking that some privacy would be the best thing, Sephiroth sat down, leaning against the wall opposite from the door and waited. Minutes ticked by and Cloud was still crying just as hard. There were occasional screams and banging sounds as well, like Cloud was hitting the walls. A few fleshy-sounding thuds were more worrisome; was Cloud hurting himself? Sephiroth sat there, completely at a loss as to what to do. Over half an hour passed before the crying finally died down. Cloud must have worn himself out.

Or done something drastic. Sephiroth froze in a sudden panic. There wasn't a lot left in the room, but he didn't know what else had been in Cloud's trunk. He couldn't smell blood, but what if Cloud had hung himself, or if he had pills, or something else?

"Shit!" Sephiroth flung himself off the floor and opened the door, taking in the scene. Cloud's things were everywhere and Cloud himself was sprawled on the bed with his eyes closed. He rushed over and checked to see if he was breathing. Sephiroth's legs nearly gave out from the relief of discovering a steady pulse. There was no evidence of anything Cloud might have used to try to kill himself either. There were bruises beginning to form, however. Cloud hadn't put on any clothes and Sephiroth could see the shadows of bruises all over his body.

"I'm sorry, Cloud," Sephiroth whispered quietly, not wanting to wake him up. Cloud must have gone until he just collapsed. He reached out and gently stroked Cloud's hair, wondering what to do next. He probably wouldn't want to wake up naked, but putting clothes on him would most certainly wake him up. He settled for very carefully moving Cloud so that he was in a more comfortable position on the bed and covering him up with the comforter. He went and grabbed a chair from the dining room and sat down to wait for him to wake up.

A few hours passed before Cloud finally stirred and started to sit up. Sephiroth jerked out of his dozing state and pushed him back down, making sure the comforter was still covering him.

"Stay calm, Cloud. You're all right," Sephiroth said as soothingly as he could manage.

Cloud's eyes were wide and frightened as he choked out, "Clothes."

"Sure, just stay there, I'll get you something to wear." Sephiroth stood and looked around the room; everything was a mess..."I'll be right back." He returned to his own room and grabbed the smallest pair of sleep pants he could find and a long-sleeved shirt. He paused a moment at the door before going back to grab a Restore materia out of his safe and some antiseptic out of the bathroom. There were what looked like a clean pair of boxers falling out of Cloud's trunk, so he grabbed them too, then sat down next to Cloud on the bed.

"Come on, let's get you dressed," he said gently, coaxing Cloud into a sitting position while holding the sheet up over his chest. Cloud sat stiffly as Sephiroth attempted to get him into the clothes, completely uncooperative. He finally got him dressed and, for lack of any better ideas, turned his attention to Cloud's injuries. Cloud sat quietly while Sephiroth rolled up his pant legs and dabbed the antiseptic on his knees, then did the same with his knuckles, which were also bruised and scraped. When he reached for his materia, however, Cloud pushed his hand away.

"Don't," he whispered hoarsely, looking tiny in Sephiroth's oversized shirt with the sleeves falling over his hands.

"Cloud, you're hurt. Some of those bruises are nasty; let me heal you up. You'll be a lot more comfortable."

"Don't want to be more comfortable." Cloud pushed away from him and lay down, facing away from Sephiroth.

"Cloud..." Zack was going to kill him when he got back. He had let Cloud hurt himself while he was supposed to be taking care of him. If he just went ahead and healed him, what would be the worst that could happen? Surely it would be better than Cloud walking around covered in bruises. Sephiroth reached out and touched Cloud's back, activating his Cure.

It was impossible to not notice a spell being cast on you, and Cloud flung himself from the bed as soon as he felt it. Not that it did any good. Sephiroth watched sadly as Cloud scrambled away to the corner, looking terrified as the magic worked on him. Nothing he did was helping.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Cloud screamed, trying to brush the green light off of him like he would a bug.

"You can't stop it, Cloud." Sephiroth pushed himself up off the bed and went to crouch by Cloud. "There, it's done, you're all healed up. I just didn't want you to be in pain."

Despite the fact that the light was long gone, Cloud kept trying to brush himself off and was beginning to gasp for air again.

"Hey, hey, calm down." Sephiroth grabbed Cloud's wrists and held them gently, but firmly. "What's wrong? It was just a healing spell."

"That—that light..."

"What about it?" An idea dawned on him suddenly. "Has someone used materia on you before? Have you seen a light like that before?" It would definitely be unusual for a cadet to be exposed to materia.

Cloud nodded, whimpering. "When—when—"

"When you were in the lab?"

Cloud nodded again and Sephiroth pulled him into his arms. "So that's definitely how Hojo did it," he muttered to himself. At least there was the possibility of reversing that; however, he doubted a simple Esuna would work. It also explained why Cloud freaked out at having a spell cast on him. "I'm sorry, Cloud. It was just a Cure. You shouldn't have to be in pain on top of everything else. I couldn't just leave you like that."

Cloud didn't say anything, just cried softly against his chest for a while. Sephiroth supposed he could hardly expect anything like a 'thank you' for it, but still...He rubbed Cloud's back and let him cry it out for what felt like the millionth time. If Cloud was sick of crying, he was definitely sick of being cried on. But he couldn't think of anything he could do to make it better, either. And he couldn't just tell Cloud to suck it up; he had made things bad enough already. So he let Cloud sob until he passed out again, curled up in Sephiroth's arms.

When Sephiroth decided that Cloud was soundly asleep, he carefully moved him back to the bed and stretched out his aching muscles. Both of his legs had fallen asleep and he hobbled around, trying to get the feeling back in them. There was a soft sound and Sephiroth glanced down at Cloud's sleeping form, watching him give a little sigh and hug the blanket close. Any thoughts he might have had about sending Cloud home with Zack instead fled his mind at the sight. He could take care of this kid; he'd figure it out.

The first step would be to stop trying to make Cloud do things that were clearly too much for him. The shower had just gotten worse and worse from the moment he had tried to make Cloud do things on his own. He had done all right when Sephiroth washed him—up until they had gotten to his privates, at least. That had probably just been because Cloud was startled; if Sephiroth warned him first, there wouldn't be a problem. And maybe Cloud could dress himself, but it was obviously upsetting for him; Sephiroth could get it done a lot faster and with a lot less hassle.

He'd have to make sure to keep anything Cloud could use to hurt himself away from him. At least until things were a little less unpredictable. Sephiroth sorted through the remaining items in Cloud's trunk, removing a small pocketknife and a bottle of mild painkillers. He'd give them back once he was sure that Cloud wasn't a danger to himself. He then began picking up the scattered clothes and putting them away, either in the closet or the dresser. Cloud was going to be here for a while; he didn't need to live out of a trunk. There was what looked like a family photo in the bottom of the trunk. Cloud couldn't have been older than five or six and he was swinging from his parents' arms, grinning widely. Sephiroth smiled and set it on the bedside table.

They'd have to get him some more clothes; everything he had was too big on him now, and it wasn't like he'd be wearing a uniform every day anymore. "Maybe tomorrow," he sighed. Maybe it would be a better day and he'd be able to leave to go shopping. "And maybe chocobos will learn to fly." No. He couldn't think that way. This would get better. It had to.

The rest of the day passed easily enough, and Cloud didn't mention anything about the shower to Zack when he came by for dinner, so Sephiroth followed his lead. If Cloud didn't want to talk about it, he didn't either. At least going to bed was simple, as Cloud was already wearing pyjamas.

"And that's another day done," Sephiroth said to himself as he shut the door after tucking Cloud in. "How much longer?"