First of all, I'd like to thank the academy…

Wait, I never went to the academy. Never mind.

What I WOULD like to thank, is ARSLOTHES, Part-Time Prick, and Toasty Bread for reviewing this story. Seriously guys, thank you.

ARSLOTHES: I don't think he'll ever be a Nep analogue. Nep is love, Nep is life, but I don't think I'll ever be Nep.

Part-Time Prick: We'll see. There's places I want to take this story, but I hope to keep it funny as I go. There'll definitely be some serious sections, but that's par for the course.

Toasty Bread: To confirm, my name is not Derek. My name, middle name, nickname, and even slang names aren't anything even RESEMBLING Derek. However, I do have the uncanny ability to answer to anything, if need be. The detail of the story is also likely to go up as I get more 'Invested' in what's going on.

Now, let the games begin

What do I do?

I didn't plan on running into Nepgear. She doesn't see me yet, which is good.

I still don't know how this world works, only how the plot goes.

What do I pretend to know? I mean, I could pretend to know absolutely everyone, but that'd be sort of creepy and give off the wrong vibes.

Or I could pretend to know nothing, but then when I reveal things later, it could tip off IF.

Crap, how do the people who get dropped into games normally deal with this?

And that's of course if they actually speak English.

Okay. One hand, I could be completely laughed out of here, and told to take a hike. I guess my option if that happens is to try and make myself useful, then pretend that… ummm, I'm a early cameo that joins later, like pretty much all of the makers in the first remake. That'd buy me enough time to grab some equipment, so I'm not a complete laughing stock.

Failing that, I could say I'm from the OmniDimension, or something like that.

On the other, if I low-ball it, I can probably get onto her team (since she's only got three people at the beginning, and lemme tell you, it's a mess being short a man), but then I'll have to deal with 'knowing' things and faking surprise at the absolutely everything. Also I'm missing a lot of things that'd make me stick out like a sore thumb, which again would be solved by getting myself some real equipment.

Either way, I really need to think things through.

"What did you do to that poor Mister Dogoo?"

Or, I could lose my chance to make an impression entirely. That works, too.

Nepgear's still busy, yeah, but I wasn't paying attention to her two friends. On the plus side, they aren't speaking Japanese.

Screw it, plans are for the weak.

"Hey there! My name's Derek, and this here," I shake the stick, "is Seamus. Say hello, Seamus!"

"Gooey!"

Compa stares back at me blankly. A lesser man would feel shame or awkwardness, but I had both surgically removed several years ago. I know nothing besides empty bravado, and sheer random.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

A voice from over in the corner comes in, probably IF, if I was to hazard a guess.

"Compa? Where'd you run off to?"

In strides the Wind Walker of Gamindustri, likely searching for her friend. She's got her standard blazer and green ribbon, but her weapon is either concealed, or hidden in whatever hammerspace these natives are able to keep their weapons in. Actually, Compa's syringe is missing too. I really, really need to go shopping for equipment - hammerspace would be incredibly useful.

"Oh, there you are, Compa. Is Gear done turning in the quests?"

"No, I just finished." speaks Nepgear, joining her two friends. Crud.

"Great! We should check in with Histoire, to see where we should go next."

Compa still isn't saying anything. The other two are glancing at her in confusion, but haven't even noticed me yet.

Part of me dies on the inside. Am I really that unnoticeable?

Let's solve that problem.

"Hey there! Are you two this girl's friends? I'm Derek, and this is Seamus!"

"Goooo! Dooooogoooey!"

Rather than answer me, or respond, or anything, the two join her friend, to stare at me blankly.

I've got three girls staring at me blankly now. I haven't had this sort of thing happen to me since high school grad, when I spontaneously discovered that I could, in fact breakdance like a master. While wearing a suit.

It was a fun night. Again, back then, they were probably staring at me in confusion. Just like now, actually.

I don't think spontaneous breakdancing is the solution here.

Truly is a shame, that.

IF is the first to recover, shaking her head slightly.

"Uh… Sorry about that. It's been a while since we've… uhh…" she gestures at the stick, and its slimy occupant.

"Seen someone as creative as me?" I glib, smirking as I lean Seamus's stick on my shoulder. Show no weakness!

"Riiight. That." mutters IF, as she rolls her eyes. "So, Compa, Gear, we should probably head out. Histoire's probably going to call us any minute now."

That snaps the two out of it.

"R… Right!" sputters Nepgear.

And then all three leave in a single mass.

I hadn't expected to be entirely brushed off.

I barely even got a "Nice to meet you, Mister Derek, Mister Seamus." from Compa, before the three strode out of the guild, with nary a glance backwards.

Crap. So much for that. They didn't even introduce themselves.

Now what?

If I'm right, then they're right at the start of the game, meaning that their next destination is the forest depths. Unfortunately, showing up for the fight with Underling to 'save' the mascot is entirely out of the question, since, again, I need to gear up, and then make sure I know HOW to use the gear I get.

That means the next time they'll be here is when they're after the Treasure Gem. Unfortunately, that means I don't get to help convince Uni to stick with the group, rather than split immediately after meeting Nepgear. I swear, that girl really needs a hug.

That gives me about three days. Three days should be plenty of time to get ready.

With a nod, I stride forward to turn in my quest. A thousand credits, on another chip.

Time to hit the shops.

God, I'm a set dressing extra.

Never thought I'd see the day.

I'm a guy, so I'm not exactly the most competent at the whole 'shopping' thing.

Luckily for me, it seems Planeptune has their own version of Wal-Mart.

The store was only reasonably big on the outside, but on the inside, it's like an entire warehouse. There's a massive pile of weapons of every sort, an entire wall dedicated to consumable items, as well as an entire wing dedicated solely to headgear, clothing, and what I assume are processors.

There's also a scanner at the very front of the store, likely to synch to whatever method they use to store credits here. To the very right of it, is a big screen, probably for displaying a person's balance, purchased items, and stuff like that. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like the scanner can accept credit chips by themselves, so I'm flat SOL.

So close, but so far.

Okay.

This place is a cashless society, right?

So my cash and coins are less than worthless, unless I give them to a collector or something. Even then, I don't have a tool to store credits, so I've got a wallet with no bottom either way.

What about the Steam cards?

Actually, that might work!

In the games, you can buy DLC which unlock many items for free. One of the options, if I remember correctly, is a starter kit, which adds a bunch of new player items.

It goes for about five bucks, if I'm remembering correctly.

Well, it's worth a shot.

Removing one of the Steam cards from my wallet, I take a deep breath, before scanning it onto the machine.

It vibrates slightly, before letting out a slightly quiet ding.

The screen flickers for a moment, before the interface changes slightly. The cash balance at the top is nothing but gobbledegook, but I'm pretty sure that this is a good thing.

Before my eyes, several options rush forward onto the screen, options that I recognise as the names of various DLC.

While grabbing myself an Anime Gehaburn might be a good choice, it'd totally ruin everything, plus I don't even want to SEE that damn sword.

At the bottom right of the screen is a small button, labelled "Call a manager". So I press it.

Out from a previously-unnoticed door rushes a small, squat man with dollar signs for irises. I take a step back in shock, but let's be honest here, I'm no less creepy myself.

"Hello, how can I help you?" wheedles the merchant, as he glances towards me, eyes full of hope and greed. Or maybe that's the dollar signs. It's hard to tell.

"Hey there. I'm hoping to get myself a starter kit." I begin, before I throw in an unnecessary explanation, "My airship was attacked by… fire-breathing ducks the size of a house, and I lost absolutely everything."

The merchant looks at me strangely. "Fire-breathing ducks? Those sound like dragons."

"No, I'm pretty sure they were ducks." I affirm.

"How can you tell?"

"Dragons don't usually quack."

He blinks at me, but shrugs. He's in the retail sector, he's used to crazy people.

"So, when you say you lost everything, what does that include?" he asks.

I blink back at him. "There's different levels of 'lost everything'?"

The merchant begins to pull fingers as he spouts off a list. "There's 'lost everything 1', where it you just lose all of your equipment, there's 'lost everything 2', where you somehow lose all of your credits, but nothing else, 'lost everything 3', where you wake up on a beach somewhere with nothing but a set of rags, 'lost everything 4', where you never actually lost anything whatsoever, but are saying so because the plot doesn't make sense if you had your items…"

I nod. "Number 3."

The merchant nods back at me sagely. "Truly a most depressing affair."

"Indeed."

He glances back towards his stock for a moment. "So what exactly do you need?"

Screw it, stream-of-consciousness babble time.

"Well, I need something to store credits for me, because I can't use these chips by themselves. I also need something to store the various items I pick up. I also need a weapon, preferably a knife of some kind, because this stick isn't really my style."

The merchant stops for a moment to think, before his response comes. "I think I can get you that."

I'm led to a small corner of the store, where several watch-sized devices awaited in various colors.

"This here, is the standard E-Wallet. You feed it chips from below, and it stores your currency for you. It also tells the time, date, and location. It comes in several eye-catching colors. They all boast indestructibility guarantees, so you needn't worry about battle damage."

I glance towards the devices. A lot of them are rather loudly colored, but there are a few grey-and-black ones that aren't so terrible.

"Any difference between them?" I ask, as I take a closer look.

"None, although people tend to stick with colors that match their home nation." states the merchant.

With a nod, I grab the Lastation black-and-grey watch. "This one, please."

"Excellent choice."

Next on the list was the hammerspace. Again, I'm lead to a different rack, this one full of some sort of pouches.

"Standard-issue storage pouches. Holds any amount of items, up to a limit of ninety-nine per item. Has an interface that allows you to choose which sort of item to remove, and how many."

"Any reason for the ninety-nine item limit, instead of a more stable number such as two-hundred-fifty-five?" I ask offhandedly, as I stuff Seamus into my chosen bag. He disappears with nary a sound.

"Union dispute." groans the merchant.

"Ah."

I can fit the pouch inside of my forward-left jacket pocket.

Actually…

"What happens if you turn the bag inside out?" I ask, honestly curious.

The man glances at me with a look of absolute horror.

"Please don't."

I can't stop the grin racing across my face. "I won't, don't worry."

Definitely not with this one.

Maybe if I get another.

"Can I have another bag?" I ask. The grin on my face is non-malicious, I promise!

"Sorry. Only one per customer." answers the Merchant, a bit more forcefully than necessary.

"Drat."

Finally, we reach the weapons. There's swords of all kinds on racks, guns in glass display cases, even a few Gemas hanging from the ceiling by display hooks. I can see a Red Radiance rifle in one of the upper displays, right next to a guitar that I can't recognise.

There's also a few weapons I can't directly map to any known character. Perhaps I might actually find what I'm looking for here.

"So, you said you were interested in knives?"

"Yeah. I'm hoping to be able to throw them, as well as attack in melee with them."

The merchant looks thoughtful for a moment, before rushing into the pile. He retrieves a pair of brown fingerless gloves, along with something that is probably a carving knife.

"Try these on." he speaks, as he hands the gloves to me. I comply, donning them as quickly as I can. They're comfy, but like all fingerless gloves, they don't really seem to serve a purpose.

"They're nice gloves, but I don't see the point." I answer. Of course, I turn my hands over a few times to make sure that the gloves look good on both sides.

"Ah! But they are no ordinary gloves!" the Merchant cuts in, likely to make a sales pitch. "These gloves are special! You synchronise them with any knife, and it is able to summon infinite copies of said knife! Even better, these copies are specifically designed to always remain sharp, as well as land point-in, for maximum damage!"

"The copies expire after a short while, correct?"

"Are you already familiar with this product, perhaps?" he asks, eyebrow raised.

"Nope, but I'm liking the sound of them already!"

The merchant walks me through how to pair the knife with the gloves. It takes a while, but eventually the knife disappears into light.

Summoning back copies of the knife is much easier, I only need to think about having the knife in my hand, and it's there. Doesn't matter which hand either: I can do both at the same time. The knives themselves disappear at either a whim, or after a few seconds of being dropped.

"The old knife will be ejected once you feed the gloves a new knife."

I nod again. This is already everything I need.

"So how much do I owe you?" I ask. The card has probably four times the required amount on it to pay for this stuff, but it's always a good idea to check.

"Everything on the card." states the Merchant.

He's gouging me, and he knows it. Unfortunately, I don't really have a choice.

"Deal." I say, as I turn towards him. "Do you need to activate any of this at the till?"

A small amount of shuffling later, and I have a fully-activated wallet device, a licensed pair of gloves, and an extra spring in my step I didn't have before.

Still, I've got myself some new toys, but I don't have experience using them.

I think it's about time I do just that.