A/N: Thanks to anyone who has read and will continue reading this fic, but please leave a review next time so I have something to work with yeah? Hazama will be chatting with the spirits of the Jackal and Harkonnen and playing a little prank on Seras. Hope you enjoy.
"So… any details on the vampires I'm supposed to hunt?" Hazama enquired, figuring it wise to have at least a general idea of what he was going up against, not that they would actually stand a chance either way.
"Nazi vampires that eat babies." Integra said nonchalantly.
"Say what?" The green haired man's right eyebrow shot up as he tried to process the image that the words conveyed.
"You heard me. Supernatural bloodsucking monsters manufactured by the Third Reich from World War II Germany that like to eat human infants."
Hazama just stared at her with his eyebrow cocked up.
"It's true, saw them do it once back in '44." The butler piped up from the driver's seat.
"Okay… so, uh, I'm supposed to go out and kill them?"
"That was in the job description. What, gonna chicken out?" The red clad midian asked in a less than friendly tone from the front seat, still put out that Hazama was replacing him. If he did actually chicken out, maybe his master will lift his punishment.
"No. Just never actually killed a Nazi vampire that eats babies before. Never actually met a vampire that was a Nazi either actually, so it kinda took me by surprise." Hazama replied with a shrug. Alucard just huffed irritably, sank deeper into the leather upholstery and crossed his arms like a spoilt child that did not have his way.
Integra sighed at this display of childishness. Honestly, he was the most powerful being on this planet, and he acts like a bipolar child with an unquenchable thirst for blood and battle. Five centuries on this earth must have done his mind in and she could sympathize, what with all the paperwork and reports about vampires and dealing with them, and then more paperwork concerning the collateral damage caused by her servant. The stress from all that work would drive anyone crazy.
Then again, half the paperwork she had to deal with came from her servant's inability to restrain himself on a mission, seeing fit to destroy entire towns to find a single target when she gives the order to search and destroy, then failing to specify what indeed should and should not be destroyed. Maybe he was not worth pitying after all.
"We will discuss these details further in my office when we arrive at the Hellsing Manor. Until then, please do not ask me any questions. I need to think up of an excuse to cover up for the destruction of half a town by a giant green snake." Integra hissed as she rubbed her temples with a gloved hand.
Hazama thought about deliberately asking her questions anyway, but decided against it as his job was probably on the line and it would not do to be cast out on the streets with nothing to his name.
Instead, Hazama turned to Seras and asked her what she worked as before coming to this line of work.
"I was a police officer." Seras replied while puffing out her sizable chest. Hazama did not even try to look away from them, and even if he did, they were so large they would force themselves into his field of vision anyway.
"Is something the matter?" Seras asked, looking at her blouse to see if there was a stain on it or something.
"Yeah, how did you get those things so big? Does it come with vampirism or what?" Hazama asked as if it was as trivial as the weather.
Seras blushed heavily and stammered as she tried to speak, but failed. "Do not harass the other employees or you will be fired." Integra threatened in a soft voice, but her tone made it clear that she meant it.
"My bad. Sorry." Hazama said, but he did not mean it in the slightest. He lives to troll people, and he had a pretty good idea of what to do on his first mission.
The car trundled up a hill, atop which stood a grand mansion that stood proudly over its surroundings. Upon closer inspection, however, it was clear that the building had seen much better days. The guardhouse was destroyed and the front gate was blown apart, and many of the windows were shattered or boarded up. The walls were riddled with bullet holes and the paint was scorched off in a few places, possibly due to explosives.
The car pulled up in front of the main door, or what was left of it. It was blown inwards by more explosives and had left a rather large hole in the middle of it. They just walked through the hole rather than opening the door.
The manor looked even worse inside than out. There were more bullet holes dotting the corridors, which had more blood than paint covering the walls. The first staircase they came across had been blown apart, supposedly to stop the intruders that made such a mess of the place.
"Walter will show you to your room so you may retire for the night. Unfortunately for me, I will have no such reprieve and have to bullshit my way out of destroying half a bloody town."
The butler, who Hazama assumed was Walter, bowed slightly and asked him to follow. Hazama walked beside him and asked him what happened to the place.
"The Nazi group you were talking about, the Third Reich, now referred to as Millennium, sent an army of ghouls, or zombies as they are more commonly referred to by commoners, to destroy us. They nearly succeeded, but the timely intervention of Seras and yours truly prevented the assassination of Sir Integra as well as the rest of the Knights of the Round Table. Alas, we were not able to dispatch them earlier as we were trapped underground before managing to make our way to the conference room where the Knights were holed up in through the air vents."
"That is one hell of a story." Hazama was impressed. If it were not for the evidence surrounding them, he would have labeled the aging man as senile or crazy, although he himself was not one to judge others' state of mental health.
"Thank you. I might have told it to my grandchildren one day had I any. Ah, here is the room. Please make yourself comfortable, and don't hesitate to call me should you need anything." Walter handed the keys of the room to Hazama before bowing and leaving.
"Might as well get some shut-eye before talking to Little Miss Butch tomorrow." Hazama said to no one in particular as he opened the door to the room. The room was well furnished and seemed to have been safe from the alleged zombie invasion, save one or two bullet holes that marred the walls between the corridor and the room. The bed was king-sized and had rich crimson sheets made of silk. There was a bathroom as well, saving him the trouble of having to find one if he needed it.
Hazama took off his hat and coat, putting the former on a coffee table and draping the latter on a chair. He kicked off his shoes and plopped down into bed, falling into a deep sleep.
"I sense a disturbance in the force, willis." A disembodied voice said to thin air.
"I do believe that the last time I checked, Bruce Willis hadn't starred in any Star Wars movies, so why the reference?" Another voice replied from nowhere.
"I sense another spirit, willis. Should we check it out, willis?" The first voice asked the second.
"Now that you mention it, I do sense another non-human presence. Yes, let us speak with him." The second voice agreed.
Hazama woke up in a very odd place. The colors were bright, much too bright and vivid to be on the planet Earth. The hills around the area had faces on them, happy smiling faces as did the random piles of dung lying around. The sun also had a face, but its features were more spastic, with its eyes blank and staring and its mouth wide open. Hazama stood there for a good minute before recovering his wits and asking himself where the fuck was he.
"Hahahaha, welcome to my realm, Willis Space, willis! I am the almighty ruler of this dimension and the spirit of Alucard's gun, Jackal Willis, willis!" A bald man in sunglasses, singlet and trousers proclaimed after appearing out of nowhere behind Hazama. Big mistake.
Hazama lashed out with one of his knives and took off Jackal Willis's head, causing blood to fountain out of his neck, casting a rainbow where his head was a few seconds ago. Hazama stood dumbstruck again. Blood was too thick to be able to separate the colors in sunlight, so casting a rainbow like that was technically impossible. Then again, nothing here, not even the environment, made sense.
Suddenly, the blood stopped spurting out and Willis's head grew bloom from the stump of his neck like a really ugly flower. "Ow, that hurt, willis! Is that how you greet people, willis? Who taught you your manners, willis!"
Hazama just stared at him.
"Anyway, willis, in this dimension, whatever I say, goes, got it, willis? So are you ready for a very complicated adventure? We will board the space ship Nagasaki and fly to a random planet where all its inhabitants are yakuza members warring for territory, and we will charge in with Japanese swords and establish our own group there!"
Hazama just cut his head off again.
"Stop that, willis! It really hurts, willis!"
Hazama readied one of his knives for a third decapitation when another person, if that was what they could even be called, appeared. He was old and fat, really fat, balding as well. He was dressed in a dark trench coat and white trousers and seemed to be levitating a few inches above the ground. His arms were at his sides and his hands were flapping up and down as if they were wings. "Pardon Willis, please. He talks like that to anybody and everybody, even me. I am Baron Harkonnen, the spirit of Seras's gun Harkonnen. We have called you here for a little chat as we sensed that you were a spirit."
Hazama was surprised at this. He was called to some place that looked like everything, including the environment was on an acid trip by a couple of spirits that inhabited his colleagues' firearms. He looked down at himself and realized he was also in spirit form, a green and black featureless body. The knife he held was also black, composed of the same stuff as the rest of his body.
"Uh, right. So could you fill me in on what is this place and get on with the talking because this is really freaking me out."
"Of course. This is not 'Willis Space' but a different plane of existence exclusive to spirits such as myself. We are also able to summon other non-spirit entities to this dimension for a little chat, but most of the time its just us."
"And what did you want to talk about?"
"Nothing much, we were just curious as to what you were, as well as to welcome you to Hellsing. Not many people have the guts to deal with the living dead and we were impressed by your courage when you accepted the job even when you were told about what it entails."
"That it?"
"Pretty much."
"'Kay thanks bye."
As he announced his departure, the hills, the sky, the two figures, they all swirled together into a indiscernable mess, the colors and shapes blending into each other. Then the voices started, random people yelling out random things.
"God is a girl, do you believe it, can you receive it?"
"Drink Powerthirst, now in Rawberry flavor! Made with lightning, REAL LIGHTNING!"
"What the fuck is any of that supposed to mean? I'm telling you now, I don't want any of that Powerthirst shit even if I did believe that God is frickin girl, and I feel fucking dumb for even saying that!"
"In Soviet Russia, pit moshes YOU!"
"What the hell? That doesn't make any sense! What do you people fuckin'smoke anyway!"
"Luke, join the dark side... If you do, we will bequeath unto you freshly baked cookies and milk. And I know that everyone loves cookies. Succumb to the temptation!"
At this point, Hazama just gave up and shut his trap. He closed his eyes and prayed for all of ths nonsense to end. His wish was granted.
With that, Hazama vanished from the weird place. The 'human' Hazama awoke, his snake-like eyes snapping open. He looked himself over, and satisfied he was not projecting his astral form anymore, put on his coat and hat and decided to walk around the grounds despite not having slept for even an hour. After seeing all of that in a dream, you would not want to sleep either. At least I wouldn't.
He walked out of the room and did not bother to lock the door after closing it. He did not have anything to steal anyway so it would not make a difference if someone were to break in.
He jumped out of a second storey window and landed on a bed of flowers, but paid it no mind and just trampled over them as he made his way over to the fields behind the manor.
He saw Seras with a ridiculously huge rifle lying prone on the ground, taking aim at nothing. He started towards her, then had an idea for a prank. He smiled deviously before walking behind some bushes so no one would see what he was about to do.
Seras focused hard on the target, which was some two kilometers away. Despite it being the dead of the night and having no scope, Seras was having no trouble finding her target, courtesy of the third eye granted by her status as a vampire. As she was making minute adjustments to her aiming to nail the target in the bull's-eye, she heard a voice behind her call out "police girl". The voice was not very deep, despite obvious effort to make it deeper, but she turned around all the same. She was greeted by the sight of her 'master'.
"Ah! Master, I thought you were confined to your room for the next two weeks as punishment, what are you doing out here?" Seras asked in a shocked tone.
"I came out here to check on your training, and here I find you taking years to aim and hit a non-existent target. What are you trying to pull off here?" 'Alucard' asked.
Seras noticed something wrong with his voice. It was deep, but not like the rich bass of her master's, rather the deepness of his voice seemed forced.
"Are, you alright, master? There seems to be something wrong with your voice right now. Also, you can't see the target?"
"There is nothing wrong with my voice, it's all in your head. And yes, I don't see any targets in the immediate area."
Seras was confused. How could her 'master' not see the target, being a Nosferatu himself? Also, there was definitely something off with his voice, but she just could not put her finger on it.
'Alucard' started to laugh. A high-pitched cackle that Seras recalled from her master's fight with the green haired man. "Mr. Hazama?" She asked tentatively.
"Hahahaha, I didn't think you'd really fall for this one, but damn! At least ya figured it out in the end, so I guess ya ain't that dumb." Hazama snickered.
Now that she saw through him, she noticed a few differences. Although both his coat and hat were the same shade of crimson as her master's, his hat's brim was not as floppy and he was not wearing that ridiculous cravat. His sunglasses were different, where her master's were orange, his were silver and mirrored. His hair was also not as messed up and was clearly artificial.
"How did you do that? Your coat and hat were black last time I checked, and where did you get the wig and glasses?"
"Magic!"
Seras looked at him skeptically. "You just snuck out and bought them didn't you."
Hazama sighed and said in a chiding tone, "Come on, you and I both know that can't be true. The nearest town is miles away from here and any stores in it would be closed anyway. Also, I don't have any money on me to buy any of these."
Seras paused as she took it all in. It was true that it would be too late for the shops to be open, but as to whether he had money and if he could get to the town in a few minutes, she was not so sure.
"Fine, you want proof, I'll show it to ya."
Hazama snapped his fingers, dispelling the Armagus that changed the color of his clothes. He snapped his fingers again, and a hole opened up out of nowhere, into which he tossed the shades and fake hair.
"There, happy?"
Seras was stunned at this display, but quickly recovered. Her master was also capable of these feats, or rather they were simple parlor tricks compared to what he could do. Also, this man was capable of holding his own against her master, so maybe this was to be expected.
"Yes, I believe you."
Hazama grinned, a wide and friendly smile. "Good."
The sky was starting to light up, with streaks of red and gold appearing on the horizon. Seras noticed and hastily excused herself.
"Sorry, I have to go. The sun's rising and vampires don't really like the sun." Seras called out as she walked briskly to the main door of the manor.
"Yeah, I get it. Don't wanna get burnt down to ashes and all that." Hazama answered while walking in the other direction.
"Hmm… Might as well go and talk to the person running this joint now. Got nothin' to do anyway. Just gotta find that butler guy and get to her office."
Meanwhile, Seras passed by the flowerbed under the window Hazama jumped out of. She noticed that the flowers were trampled over in a straight line leading from the window to the pathway. She then noticed that they were her flowers.
"AAAH! My flowers! Who did this?"
Hazama heard her yells and just smiled mischievously. "Trolled, heh heh."
A/N: That's all for this chapter. I hope you liked it. Next chapter has Hazama talking to the ice queen and also his first mission. Stay