Oh if I could go back in time/When you only held me in my mind

Just a longing gone without a trace/Oh I wish I'd never ever seen your face

I wish you were the one/Wish you were the one that got away

Rayna was sitting on the picnic table when she heard the slam of a car door. For just a moment, she froze and felt a quiver in her stomach. Then she turned her head and watched Tandy gingerly make her way down the hill towards her. She grinned broadly as her sister grimaced trying to daintily walk to the table and climb up to sit next to her.

"Where the hell have you brought me?" Tandy asked with exasperation.

Rayna laughed and winked. "You should have worn your cowgirl boots, babe," she said.

Tandy rolled her eyes. "I don't do cowgirl boots, sweetheart. That's your thing."

Rayna hugged her sister and then linked arms with her. "Thanks for coming out here."

"Why couldn't we have just met at some nice restaurant?"

"This is my favorite talking spot."

Tandy smiled knowingly. "You used to come here with Deacon, didn't you?"

Rayna bit her lip and then leaned into Tandy. "Yeah. But I'm trying to rewrite the script for places like this. To exorcise old demons, in a way."

Tandy raised her eyebrows. "So Deacon is a demon?"

Rayna sighed and didn't respond directly to Tandy's question. "I have actually been seeing a therapist who is helping me work through all the old issues that got dredged up after the accident."

Tandy looked at her sister. "I'm really glad you did that, babe. I know there's a lot to work through and I'm glad you have someone objective to talk to."

Rayna turned and looked at her sister. "I was so angry when I woke up and realized what had happened. For a minute I felt like it was fifteen years ago and I was playing out the same old scenario with Deacon. He'd get sober, life would be wonderful for a little while, and then something would set him off and the next thing I knew he was back in the cycle. I'd be dragging him out of a bar or a hotel room or a hospital or a jail after he'd broken every promise he'd made to me. And then I remembered that he had gone thirteen years, thirteen years, this time and yet he still disappointed me. And while I get that finding out about Maddie was huge, he went back to his old habits." She bowed her head as she contemplated all that. "And I finally understood what Coleman told me all those years ago. I was no good for him. He was no good for me. I was just letting him do this over and over again. When Coleman told me I needed to let him go so he could get better, he meant totally let him go. And I couldn't do that. I let him go from my personal life, of course, but I kept him close. And all that did was keep those flames burning that were just going to destroy us, like they always did. So when I got back together with him, it was inevitable that we would be where we ended up. Maybe it wouldn't have been about Maddie, but it would have been something. Every time he got better, something happened to drag him under again."

Tandy frowned. "Babe, what happened to you wasn't your fault."

Rayna looked at her sister, her expression serious. "Actually yes, it was, Tandy. What my therapist has helped me understand is that I enabled Deacon. I let him do this because I never really held him accountable for what he was doing. When he would go back to his old habits, I still took him back. I still supported him. He was dragging me down, us down, every time he went back to drinking and pills, but I kept trying to shore him up. I would cry and I would yell and I would stomp my feet, but at the end of the day I was as addicted to Deacon as he was to booze and pills. And me."

Tandy was silent as she thought about what Rayna had said. She certainly understood what the attraction had been for her sister. Deacon was handsome, talented, and totally smitten with her. And he was a bad boy. But a bad boy who was loyal to Rayna. She had to admit, though, that he had always been a touch too intense for her liking, a touch too protective, too possessive. Rayna had really never had a boyfriend before Deacon. Although she was a pretty girl, she was shy around boys. Plus her love for country music had made her the butt of jokes in school and she kept mostly to herself. When she had ventured out to see if she could make her way in the world of country music, things moved quickly for her. She had been discovered by Watty White, who quickly teamed her up with Deacon, and before long they were being booked for paying gigs. That's when Lamar gave her the ultimatum that led to Rayna leaving home and quitting school to pursue her career. As a particularly naïve sixteen year old, she was easily swept away by the dark, brooding Deacon Claybourne. Rayna was right, she and Deacon had burned high and hot, but they had never seemed to burn out. Until the fifth time she put him in rehab.

She also knew, though, that this was more than just another fall off the wagon for Deacon. It was all well and good for Rayna to accept her part in Deacon's problems, but she wondered if her sister was overlooking the fact that she had kept Maddie a secret from him and just how devastating that had been for Deacon. Ironic that she, Tandy Hampton, was actually considering Deacon's side, but in the weeks since the accident, she had contemplated her own part in that cover-up and found herself wondering if they had made the right decision all those years ago. She tried understanding how she might feel in similar circumstances and found herself feeling ashamed.

"Are you sure, babe?" Tandy finally asked. "What about Maddie? Isn't he going to want a relationship with her? And that's going to mean he's still around. Can you handle that?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "I kinda have to, I guess. He's going to ask to have his paternity established."

"Really. I guess I'm not surprised. Are you going to fight him on it?"

"What would be the point? He is Maddie's father. I guess he does have rights, much as it scares me to think of him being around her. And it scares her a little bit too."

"She's talked to you about it?"

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, we talked about it the other day. She went on the Internet and read all the stuff she could find about him and about the accident. She wanted to talk about the stories about his times in rehab and the fact that he was drunk the night of the accident. It's so confusing for her. I mean, she's had this 'perfect' dad – and we both know Teddy wasn't really perfect – but he's been a good dad to her and he loves her and he takes care of her. And now she finds out that this man she's known all her life is really her biological father, but he's had a long history of alcoholism and he gets drunk when life gets tough." She sighed. "I can't imagine what that would feel like."

"I thought Deacon was back on his program."

"He is. He says. Coleman says he is. That he's serious about it. I hope so, for Maddie's sake."

Tandy leaned into her sister. "I know this has to be hard for you."

Rayna turned to her and shrugged. "It is and it isn't. In the cold light of day, a bad thing happened to me and I know what I need to do about it. But in my heart, it's harder. It's hard to say out loud that it's truly over." She was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Do you remember the song that Deacon wrote, 'The End of the Day'?"

"Yes." Rayna looked hard at her. "Ok, no, I don't remember it." Tandy smiled sheepishly.

"Well, Deacon wrote it about his experience with addiction and rehab and it was kind of like a love letter to me. It was about his hope that in spite of all that he was going through that I would stay with him, wait for him. That even though the struggle and the trouble wasn't over that I would be there at the end of the day. And, as you know, I was. I always loved that song because I thought it was such a great love song. But it's actually pretty sad when you really think about it." She stopped as tears pricked her eyes. "I know you don't really understand because you've never been in the same kind of situation."

"Sure I have." Rayna frowned at her. "Sweetheart, you were young and inexperienced," Tandy went on, "and you got involved with a guy who stole your heart and swept you off your feet and you would have done anything for him. That's not unusual when we're young. I was addicted to Charlie the same way."

Rayna looked confused. "Charlie had an alcohol problem?"

Tandy smiled. "No, Charlie was addicted to other women. But I was young and he was handsome and rich and he bought me nice things and I lived in a grand house. It was all I ever thought I wanted. But he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. I can't tell you how many times he came home smelling of perfume that wasn't mine or with lipstick stains on his shirt that weren't my color. And there were the nights he stayed out late or didn't come home at all. He would swear he'd make it up to me and he'd buy me something nice or take me on a grand trip. I finally was brave enough to cut him loose." She patted Rayna's hand. "It's taken you a little longer, but that's what you're doing now."

Rayna leaned her head on Tandy's shoulder. "I remember when Teddy was running for mayor and those men came in to do that vulnerability study. They asked me so many questions about Deacon and our relationship. I remember telling them that he and I were entangled. At the time I didn't think that was such a bad thing, but I realize now that I was just as addicted as he was." She sighed. "I keep thinking that I should have just left things as they were after I married Teddy. Where my relationship with Deacon was something that was just in my dreams at night. It was so much better to just let him be in my head instead of making it real."

"What have you said to him about all this?"

"Nothing. I've just avoided him. He wanted to see me after I came out of the coma, after I told the police that he hadn't been driving. I think the whole thing scared him and maybe it finally made him realize what he was losing. But I wouldn't see him and then he got mad. That's when that lawyer of his convinced him to go after me for money for his injuries. Which I would have taken care of without that, but it just made things tense. And I didn't feel like talking to him then either." She looked at Tandy. "I think the paternity thing is his way of trying to see me. And I guess I'm going to have to face this at some point. I don't really want to hurt him, but I think I will."

Tandy took a deep breath. "I don't want to upset you, but I kind of think you owe him some kind of explanation. You know I'm on your side, but he did get pretty blindsided by the truth about Maddie." Rayna started to say something and Tandy cut her off. "I know, I know, I sound hypocritical, but I'm just trying to think this through. I'm guessing he's still feeling pretty hurt by the whole thing."

Rayna was silent at first. "I guess," she said finally. "But there were good reasons for doing it."

Tandy nodded. "Yes, I know, we all thought so. But it was bound to come out eventually, don't you think? I don't think any of us really thought this through all the way and I don't think any of us imagined it would end this badly."

Rayna sighed. "I know Deacon was mad at me. I know he had every right to be, I really do. My heart aches every time I think about the look on his face when I told him he was Maddie's father. But, Tandy, I could have died. Just like Mom. Maddie and Daphne could have ended up without a mother. Just like you and me. As much as I do understand Deacon's hurt – and I really do – I can't get that out of my head. What's worse? Me dying or Deacon being lied to?"

Tandy took a deep breath. Those few days when Rayna's life hung in the balance were nightmarish. "You dying would have been unimaginable," she said quietly. She gripped her sister's arm a little tighter. "Do you think at some point the two of you will be able to get past all this and work things out between you? Do you want to?"

Rayna shook her head. "I don't think so. I don't know." Then she shrugged. "I just keep thinking that I waited fourteen years and thought he was ready and he wasn't. I have to accept that I'm not good for him either. I have to accept my part in all this. Everything I've done. So I think it might really be over."

"How do you feel about that?" Tandy looked at her with compassion, because she could see the emotional toll this was taking on Rayna.

Rayna smiled half-heartedly and her eyes glistened with tears. "Sad. So incredibly sad." Tandy put her arm around her sister and hugged her close as Rayna leaned against her, letting the tears fall.